Marginalized by one of their own. laughter cheers and applause right . Yes this is what im saying you understand me id expect more from one of our most prominent human dildos, and i just think dildoamericans should be standing up for other dildos. Is all im saying here. But i guess back in 2004, cruz was just another selfhating dildo. Im sorry, youre right this comparison is totally unfair. Dildos have actually pleasured women. cheers and applause man man i cant get over this, a brief that cruz wrote said using sex toys was like hiring a willing prostitute. I know what youre thinking, willing prostitute . Thats a strange choice of words. Well, its actually a legal distinction. Under the haw, there are willing prostitutes, which means they engage in sex work of their own volition, and unwilling prostitutes, which probably means they just got hired by ted cruz. Thats the distinction. Thats how you separate that. I am not making this up, guys. Cruz also wrote, there is no substantivedueprocess right to stimulate ones genitals for nonmedical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship. This is a guy who defends this falk symbol but thinks the problem is this phallic symbol. Which means he thinks we should live in society where it should be easier to off women than to get women off. Yeah, i went there. Thats where i went. applause now, ted cruz went on to lose this case, and its now legal to sell dildos in texas, which makes me happy as texas largest dildo supplier. laughter its my side gig, guys. Im on basic cable. Brothers got to have a side gig, right . This story makes me so happy. Now, my favorite thing about this story is a tweet from screenwriter and ted cruzs college roommate, craig mazin. Ted cruz thinks people dont have a right to stimulate their genitals. I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his. cheers and applause very nice. Thats some good writein there. laughter on the one hand, that is awesome. On the other hand, now im thinking about ted cruz masturbating and i need to throw myself in front of a bus. Okay, moving on to our main story. Bono, once again on tv but not playing music, was talking terror at a Senate Hearing the other day. Rock star bono says laughter may be the answer to defeating i. S. I. S. The u2 singer told a Senate Hearing yesterday the u. S. Should consider using alist comedians to combat the terror group. Larry wait, what . Send comedians to combat terror . Im not doing that you speak violence, you speak their language. But you laugh at them when theyre goose stepping down the street and it takes away their power. So im im suggesting that the senate send in amy schumer and chris rock and sacha baron cohen. Larry thank you, senators. While im intrigued by the junior senator from u2s proposal, on behalf of those comedians, id like to suggest we send musicians off to battle the terrorists. I mean, seriously, bono, first you sneak that album on to my itunes and now this . I mean, what the bleep . I yield the remainder of my time to the entire Dave Matthews band, thank you. I wanted to get another comedians take on this, so please welcome very funny man Gilbert Gottfried. cheers and applause hiya, larry. Larry wait, gilbert, where are you . Im in wartorn syria, larry. Ready for action. Larry uh, i dont know if bono literally meant to send comedians. I think he may have been speaking metaphorically about the power of satire. Thats not what i heard, larry. When bono issues a call to action, i answer. Larry okay. applause larry all right. I mean, its a little extreme. And besides, the whole reason i got into comedy was so that i could one day do battle with the worlds most brutal killers. Larry okay. All right. That wasnt my reason, but i understand. Well, gilbert, it seems unlikely that jokes can defeat savage killers. You know . Then allow me to demonstrate. Larry okay. If your friend asks you to give him a hand and you have three of them in your pocket, you just might be a terrorist. laughter larry look, gilbert foxworthy, i really dont think this will work against people with guns and explosives. Fine, then let me give you the joke i used to kill osama larry really . I didnt know you did that. How many jihadists does it take to screw in a light bulb . None, you live in caves applause cheers and applause larry youre telling me that killed osama . Sure did. Hey, larry, what do lawyers wear to court . Larry i dont know. What . Lawsuits ha ha. Larry what is i dont know even know what that means im getting word that because of that joke, the i. S. I. S. Stronghold of raqqa has just fallen to the u. S. Led coalition. Larry i dont think thats true. cheers and applause no, no i dont think thats true look, look, gilbert, i appreciate your effort, but you dont really believe in this, right . Seriously. Hey, i. S. I. S. Larry i guess you do. Yo momma so fat she can destroy hundreds of ancient artifacts just by sitting down. Try recovering from that, i. S. I. S. Larry okay, thats plenty. Gilbert gottfried, everyone. Well be right back. cheers and applause amy thinks you have to be super smart to not mess up your tax refund. So we flew in super smart mathematician, maria chudnovsky, to help her. I have a lot of student loan debt. Can i deduct my interest . beep can amy deduct her student Loan Interest . In her case, yes. The amount goes right here. In your case, yes. The amount goes right here. Thanks. Intuit turbotax. Taxes done smarter. Only pull n peel lets you pull it, peel it, play it. Fun never tasted so good with chewy, fruity pull n peel candy from twizzlers. man that show. T to record woman now we have to wait forever to see it. jon bon jovi with directv, you dont. You see, weve got the power to turn back time. That show you missed, lets just go back and find. And lets go back and choose spicy instead of mild. And maybe reconsider having that second child. See, thats the power to turn back time. vo watch shows you missed right away. Call 1800directv. From bank of america to buy a new gym bag. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time and 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. Kenny used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to join the wednesday night league. Because he loves to play hoops. Not jump through them. Thats the excitement of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. Before it was honey in these honey nut cheerios, it was honey being collected. And honey getting made. And honey that was just beginning. Can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. Case in point our handcrafted at skydiving chamber. Lways down for more. Oh. Refueling be hungry for more. Just never be hungry. With premium pepperoni and 100 real cheese. Ding hot pockets cheers and applause larry okay, welcome back so ice cube and common are in the new barbershop movie and i wanted to talk to them, and i was thinking, where should we do the interview . Like a malt shop . Or a toolanddie shop . And then it hit me, a coffee shop. Well, we couldnt find one, so we settled for a barbershop, and i thought we would have a real conversation about race and some of the issues in the community. Hey, everybody. Im here at little tonys and eat and be good barbershop with costars of barbershop. Its barbershop the next cut. I dont know what the hours are at the barbershop. Why do you think the barbershop means so much in the black community . Its our own country club. Its the only place you can go and get that fellowship and camaraderie. People is going to give it to you wrong. Its authentic in the barbershop. Larry its authentic, right . Yeah. Larry now, race is talked a lot in barbershops. Where do you think we are on the attitude scale . A lot of attitude, middle attitude i think they should have the same amount of attitude. The days on the calendar change, but, you know, our situation is not changing as a people on a whole lot of levels. Larry why do you think that is . Whats going on . People thought when obama came in, racism was over, you know. Well, i think somehow we had a hope that it was just going to stop. He obviously is doing everything he can, but it still cant change the minds of deeprooted racism thats been in the system for so long and people feel that, though you have obamas, you have the jayzs and beyonces and successful people, you know, still people that we connected to that still have issues. Just because youre successful, you shouldnt forget there are issues that exist. And look what were successful in, sports and entertainment. Yeah. Like chris rock said, you know, im a bigtime, worldwide comedian, and the guy that lives next door to me is a white dentist. Why couldnt i just be a dentist and make it to this neighborhood . I had to be a bigtime celebrity to get here. Larry seriously you dont want to go to a black dentist, lets be honest. Of course you do. But what im sayin larry i want to talk about the black community and some of the issues that theyre facing. In the last years, some have come up more than others. A lot of people pit gang violence, whats happening in the community, versus police violence. Yeah. Larry people make this comparison all the time, you know. Yeah. Larry why do you think people feel the need to do that . You know, i think its likely kind of ridiculous to compare apples and oranges like that. Citizen on citizen crime is totally different than government on citizen crime. Larry thats a criminals job is to commit crime. Thats his job. laughter its just showing up for work. Yeah. Larry so you guys are not doing your job. The criminals are doing their job. Protect and break a bleep neck. The police feel like its an us against them mentality, you know, and they always talk about no snitchin, you know. Why wont they tell us when its a crime committed in the hood . These people are never going to speak and say nothing when ce ask, who did it. Thereso a no snitchin policy in the hood and in the precinct, too. Thats exactly right. When they see their fellow officers doing something wrong, they dont snitch, they dont tell, they keep it to themselves. So how they expect us to not have a no snitching policy in the neighborhood when theyve got a no snitching policy in the department. Larry maybe we could all come together and say there are no snitches. A noniche outreach program. Without a doubt. Larry what was it like working with nicky m nicki mina. Describe nikki minaj in 750 words. I mean, great. laughter thank you, man. Larry thanks again to common and ice cube for sitting down with me. And go see barbershop the next cut. Well be right back. cheers and applause 5hour energy® presents. Why are you so tired . Ahh, the after lunch food coma. Weve all been there. You had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. Now, youre trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs. Without the boss catching you. Next time, grab a great tasting 5hour energy® shot. Itll help you stay alert and productive. No matter whats on the menu. Now is the time for 5hour energy®. Are you eating lucky charms . No. This is a dream. Theyre magically delicious. Crunchy is bold. Crispety, crunchety is bolder than bold. But crispety, crunchety and peanutbuttery . Thats bolder, than bolder, than bolder, than bold bolder than bold. Crispety, crunchety, peanutbuttery butterfinger give extra. Get extra. Case in point our handcrafted at skydiving chamber. Lways down for more. Refueling be hungry for more. Just never be hungry. With premium pepperoni and 100 real cheese. Ding hot pockets m larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. First up, the nightly show contributor ricky velez. applause the nightly show contributor jordan carlos. applause and hes an egyptian satirist whos been called the jon stewart of egypt, his new documentary tickling giants is premiering at the tribeca festival on april 14th, bassem youssef. applause and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter nightlyshow using tonightly. Okay. We talked about this earlier in the show. U2s lead singer bono was in front of the Senate Subcommittee this week. Take a look. Dont laugh. I think comedy should be deployed. So im suggesting that the senate send in amy schumer and chris rock and sacha baron cohen. laughter larry i would have loved to have seen their faces when they got that news. laughter so basically hes saying if you want to fight terrorism send in the clowns. Thoughts . Allow me. When america bleep up in the least, they send someone. First troops, doesnt work, now comedians. We have comedians in the middle east and comedians in america. But they dont get the chance. You go with amy schumer and sacha baron cohen. I say middle eastsowhat. Come on. Larry i agree. Heres the problem, you guys are supporting the same exact military fascist government that are taking and persecuting comedians in the middle east. Larry yeah. And we said other stuff other than we have to support this and that. No, military regimes do not stabilize the region, they just delay it and actually allow for more terrorism and more fanaticism and religious fascism and when it comes it gets worse. So stop doing that. Larry i agree with that. applause you said we. Bonos not from here. laughter i dont want to take him on. Why is he speaking to the i dont understand why we allow celebrities to go in front to have the senate with purple tented glasses on. Bono, go back to being a rock star. What happened to rock stars used to do meth and heroin . I have a couple of notes for bono, too. These are some of my favorite comics. Could we send carrot top or yeah larry the cable guy, like, git erdone larry can sat fire make a difference in these times . Can it make any kind of difference . Is there any merit to what bono is saying . Yeah, but hes using the wrong tools. You dont send bora to do our job. laughter the thing is, when you use satire, people start to think and dont give into their fear. This is the beauty of sarcasm and humor. Larry and those regimes are threatened by that. Hitler, the first people that were evicted were the serialists and comedians. I dont know how they make comedy in german, but laughter larry a lot of them came over here. People like billy wilder made his comedy here. Mike nichols. Larry do you think you can be funny about terrorism in the United States . You have to be careful. You have to be safe no matter where you perform. Were going to send two jews and a black guy over to i. S. I. S. . it wasnt a well thought out plan. Larry no, no, no. There is obviously other countries where you can make fun of i. S. I. S. You can do it in canada. And thats about it. laughter and were good. But, you know what im saying . There is definitely rooms out there. Larry you actually said you felt trump is doing the work of i. S. I. S. What did you mean by that . If you look at the progression of i. S. I. S. And the progression of the right wing in america, its the same. We started with, like, a fundamental religious group to al quaida and al quaida now looks like very nice compared to i. S. I. S. Look at the right wing, george w. Bush, the tea party, sarah palin, only logical to end up with trump. Larry i dont know if id go to sarah palin to i. S. I. S. I think youre giving sarah palin way too much credit. laughter i think trump being a racist and xenophobic, i feel quite at home. This is the middle east every sing daily. Youre saying the feeling you had before you had to leave egypt is the same . Youre feeling that . No, trump is just one person, but when you have the whole country with all its entities behind that person, its a totally different thing. And its not just morsi, but its who came after. So its the same thing, basically. So we as comedians have a hard time doing that, but it did make a difference, and i am very proud of what i did there because it actually inspired a lot of people to to their own show. Larry very brave. I give you a lot of credit for that. Thank you. Larry if trump does become president , it would be kind of like a joke. Yeah. Larry so maybe the joke can make people laugh yeah, make i. S. I. S. Larry no . Not a good joke . I think its terrible. Larry a bad joke to put on the world . A long way to go for a punch line. To keep it for another ten years. Larry well rethink that joke. Be right back. If you live in the new york city area or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to the nightly show the nightly show at our house, were always down for more. Case in point our handcrafted skydiving chamber. Refueling be hungry for more. Just never be hungry. With premium pepperoni and 100 real cheese. Ding hot pockets can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. Ooooh oooh. Are you eating lucky charms . No. This is a dream. Theyre magically delicious. Super smart to not mess up your tax refund. So we flew in super smart mathematician, maria chudnovsky, to help her. I have a lot of student loan debt. Can i deduct my interest . beep can amy deduct her student Loan Interest . In her case, yes. The amount goes right here. In your case, yes. The amount goes right here. Thanks. Intuit turbotax. Taxes done smarter. Do you have the courage to stay up all night . Because this is our time the greatest tv week of our lives ladies and gentlemen, in the business of bingewatching, sleep is for the week so i want you ready to order takeout, every single night now are you with me . To awesomeness to watchathon big is back. Xfinity watchathon week starts april 18. The greatest collection of shows free with xfinity on demand. Larry thanks to my panelists, ricky velez, jordan carlos, and bassem youssef, and thanks to Gilbert Gottfried for being here. Thanks for watching yeah cheers and applause from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Im trevor noah. Thank you so much. My guest tonight is from cnns new show united shades of america, w. Kamau bell is joining us, people cheers and applause but first, but first, we have to talk about last night. So many records set. Obviously, steph curry leading the warriors to 73 wins. That was insane. Well done, golden state. That was amazing. applause but, of course, for me, especially, the bigger news was the old man putting up crazy numbers. Yeah, its true, Bernie Sanders got 27,000 people in Washington Square park last night. applause no, but, seriously, but seriously, congrats to the momba. I dont know if you watched the game but kobe was amazing, 60 points. He took more shots than a chicago cop with no body cam. Dont boo kobe, hes done. Lets get into the show. So, democracy. Its what separates us from the apes and the russians. laughter the point is, from an early age, were taught that democratic means one person, one vote, and the most votes wins. Like, back when i ran for class president as a kid. The teacher said, hands up, if you want trevor to be president. Okay, now hands up if you want julia to be president. And she counted the votes and whoever got theost votes won. In this case it was julia. Whatever. Im happy for her. I thought my