Diane kruger. Ibtihaj muhammad. And comedian mark normand. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thank you so much hey thats nice. Thats beautiful. Stephen wow, thank you so much, everybody wow. Thank you, mark. Thanks, everybody. Please. Thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show. You all ready for the weekend . cheers and applause nothing like a friday. . Its friday . . Its friday . Stephen i dont know what song were doing but i like it. I also like that suit, man. That is like the wallpaper at a tropical resort. Jon a dr. Seuss book. Stephen you would be a great dr. Seuss character. Jon i know, lets get it going. Stephen i have s laughter tonight dont tell him. Dont tell him. He is too young. He is not ready. 3 tonight was the Opening Ceremony of the 2016 summer Olympic Games in rio. And i know that because right now, youre watching that instead of me. Spoiler alert so am i. Although, although, heres the thing. It may not have happened, because there have been so many olympics unlivable dorms, pollution, rampant crime. The Australian Team had their laptops stolen, and just look what happened to one of the dressage horses. Unbelievable. laughter stripped it for parts. Yeah. True story. Jon oh, yeah . Stephen true story. Sad. Things are so bad, that even jesus has thrown up his arms. He doesnt know what to do. And preparations went right down to the wire. A rio spokesman said there was a wild scramble last weekend to find 650 plumbers. Plumber in town. It must be hard to identify plumbers in a country where everyone is showing butt crack. Jon hey hey, hey stephen freshly waxed. And earlier this week, the rio Olympic Stadium had to be unlocked with bolt cutters after officials lost the keys. Oh man, i lost the keys to the olympics. laughter virus, the u. S. Mens Basketball Team isnt taking any chances. Theyve decided to stay on a luxury cruise liner during the games, which is great thinking, because no one has ever gotten sick on a cruise ship. And nothing gets you up for the big game like allyoucaneat midnight dessert bar. Obviously, besides olympics, we still have the elections going on. We talk a lot about donald s trump here, but hes not the only person in fact, i saw a new add for eric greitens, a former navy seal, who is running for governor of missouri. See if you can figure out where he stands on gun control. Eric greitens a governor who will set his sights on politics as usual reduce spending, create jobs, protect life, defend the Second Amendment. Stephen looks like the Second Amendment is going to be okay. Although, i cant believe how bored he is while defending it. That lake, hes going to win. Maybe hes fishing. Im not sure why hes shooting at the lake. But greitens isnt just pandering to conservatives by shooting a machine gun in an ad. Hes doing it in two ads. Because heres one he ran during the primary. Im no career politician. Im a navy seal, and ill take dead aim at politics as usual. gunfire barrel explodes stephen now, im not sure send. Its either please vote for me or please cast me in expendables 4. this is an election im definitely going to keep my eye on, not just because theres no way im turning my back on that guy. Now, in other election news, i want to take a minute and Say Something to Hillary Clintons running mate, senator tim kaine. Senator, when i heard you were chosen for v. P. , i immediately thought one thing hillary could not have picked a better person. laughter you see, here at the late show, our postproduction supervisor, mark spada, looks a lot like you. Jimmy, can we put up those photos . laughter applause all right. There you go. There you go. One of those guys is tim kaine. So that gave me an idea. Come on out here, mark. Mark spada, everybody. Ma right here. Mark, mark, thanks so much for being here. I work here. Stephen okay, fair enough. So, senator kaine, heres what im proposing you make our postproduction supervisor your understudy. So lets say instead of standing behind Hillary Clinton during one of her great but long speeches, maybe youd rather see a movie. No problem, mark here will fill in for you. He has over 40 years of nodding cheers and applause look at that ready to be Vice President on day one. And if that wasnt enough to fool the masses, mark also knows a number of your great dad jokes. What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college . Bison. laughter applause stephen not bad, not bad. Thank you. Thank you, senator. I mean, mark. Wow, see . Now, i knoat thinking if anybody finds out, couldnt i end up in prison for this . Well, let me answer that question with a question senator, would you go to prison, or would you go to prison . Dont take my word for it. Take senator tim kaines. Im senator tim kaine, and i approve this message. laughter applause stephen thank you for your service. Thank you so much. cheers and applause thats good work. Now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . Stephen hey oh, man. Oh, man, oh, man. Im happy. Jon yeah. Stephen you happy . Jon yeah. . Happy and you know it . . Stephen yoys cheers and applause i love doing this show. I love doing this show. A lot of people think and you probably think this, too that from 11 30 tow 12 30, the late show is on. Thats not true. Commercials are on. Were here to provide filler between the ads. Im proud of that association, because advertising has profoundly changed the world. For instance, before advertising, if you tried to buy insurance from a duck, they that is why im excited to see my fellow celebrity, matthew mcconaughey, really embrace advertising. Weve all enjoyed whatever hes talking about in those lincoln ads. laughter he really should turn the air conditioning on in that car. And now, mcconaughey has signed on as creative director for wild turkey bourbon. And in addition to appearing on camera, he will write and direct the spots. And hes also recording music for the campaign. So i hope you like your whiskey with a chaser of threeminute bongo solo. bongos piano stephen i could go for some wild turkey right now. Part of the reason they hired mcconaughey is that he knows how to reach their core demo. He said himself, millennials, and i know this for a fact, can smell solicitation. Okay, matt, that sounds like youve been soliciting millenials. Not cool, especially if youre doing it in a way that they can smell. But i interrupted myself reading your theory of millenials and solicitation. Wild turkey hasnt changed in all these years. Its totally authentic, and that appeals to millennials. Hes right. Millennials crave authenticity, almost as much as they crave commercials. Well, i will not be outauthenticked, even if i have so matthew is promoting wild turkey, so i have singed on to write, direct, key grip, intern for, and Craft Service my own ad campaign for savage cock, 190proof grain alcohol. Yeah applause you all down with the cock . laughter it takes a look. Y oh, hey. If we millennialls hate anything, its solicitation. We dont take kindly to being told what to buy and who to buy it from. Its why we wear clothes that look like they were stolen from the grave of an irish immigrant. laughter and thats why we drink savage cock, 190proof grain alcohol because savage cock refuses to mmm, hashtag organdamage. cheers and applause just like you, savage cock has never watered itself down for mass appeal. Its always been the drink of american rebels and tastemakers. Thats what Davy Crockett drank, right before sticking his head up that raccoons butt. laughter those rebels were just like you they didnt care whether drinking savage cock was cool or so hoist a glass, my fellow 90s kids, to authenticity, to realness, and not falling for any cheap advertising gimmicks. But dont just take it from me. Listen to the talking toilet, party mouth. Surfs up, kids savage cock is dope stephen oh, party mouth oh, party mouth you are trending. Com authentic instaselfie, whip out your savage cock, 190proof grain alcohol please enjoy responsibly stephen well be right back with your deepest, darkest secrets. . . . applause well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. Hese. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. . Now Straight Talk wireless. Has more highspeed data than ever before. Were talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. Thats 10 gigs of highspeed data. To stream more video. And more music. More whatever you want all on americas largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. Choose from two great plans find out more at straighttalkswitch. Com . Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. You know, one of the things i love about being on tv is lawyers. The second thing i enjoy is something called midnight confessions, where i. cheers and applause open up to you about things that and sometimes i invite you guys to tweet your own confessions to me colbertlateshow, with the hashtag lateshowconfessions. And i am so touched by how candid and open youve been with me, tonight, id like to honor your gift by using them and not pay you. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen thanks. This is Stephen Colberts cheers and applause laughter now, for the record, im not sure any of these are technically sins. I didnt even do them, but im going to pretend i did, which is a lie, and as a catholic, i will feel guilty about that. laughter okay, ill be right back. . . . Forgive me audience. I tell people i have herpes, so they wont want to borrow my chapstick. Audience, when i was 15, i used to hide my porn mags in my step dads horse stables. Silently correct the framar grammar in eulogies. When our kids were little, we referred to the Ice Cream Truck as the music truck so we didnt have to spend any money. Sometimes i text a friend how much they mean to me and copy and paste it to send all my other friends. I once made brownies and told my friends they were weed brownies and watched them get high. Sometimes i pretend i am a hobbit, just so i can have second breakfast. When asked to wave your hands i read the wikipedia articles of horror movies to pretend i have watched them because i am too scared. One time, i went through a Dunkin Donuts drivethrough and started talking to the garbage can instead of the speaker. Sometimes, audience, sometimes i pee in the shower. When im not even taking a shower. Forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thank. If you feel you need forgiveness for something, tweet it to me with the hashtag lateshowconfessions. Well be right back with diane kruger. Some of us are serious, some thrive on comedy. Ive sailed upon the seven seas and stopped in every land, ive seen the wonders of the world not yet one common man. I know ten thousand women called jane and mary jane, ive not seen any two who really were the same. Mirror twins are different lovers think quite different thoughts while lying side by side. I note the obvious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. . Et it, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. . [ crowd cheers ] 2 back at Grocery Stores and now at wholesale clubs. And 3 back on gas. Which helped him give his players something extra. The cash rewards credit card from bank of america. More cash back for the things you buy most. The cash rewards credit card from bank of america. Nexium 24hr is now the 1 choice of doctors and pharmacists rtburn. For complete protection all day and night make nexium 24hr your 1 choice. [bell rings] in third grade, i learned. We all make mistakes. But. Its all about how you fix em. Mistakes, theyre not so scary. One company won an award in all of these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy chevrolet is the most awarded car company over the last two years. I love it im just going to stay in here, is that okay . This summer find your tag and get 16 of msrp cash back on select remaining 2016 vehicles in stock. Thats over 4,100 cash back on this all new 2016 chevy malibu. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Guilty your honor. Well congratulations, because your queso obsession has inspired wendys queso mission. Introducing wendys new green chile quesoburger. Wendys fresh never frozen beef topped with the crave curing queso you love so much. And. Youre staring. Sorry. The green chile queso burger, and bacon queso fries. Inspired by the queso obsessed, band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight starred in national treasure, troy, and inglourious bastards. She now stars in the psychological thriller, disorder. Please welcome diane kruger. . . . applause . Yeah diane . Hello. Stephen thank you for being here. Im so happy to be here. Im a huge fan. Stephen really . Im a huge fan, too. The the interesting thing about you, youre a big star in the United States, we know you from troy, inglourious bastards, national treasure. But in europe you probably cant many movies over there, right. I live part time in france and started out in france, actually, so ive done more french muchs than american. I just am coming back from france. I did a movie with katherine deneuve. You were born in germany and your career was in france. I started as a model, so i went to paris and lived there as a model. Stephen was that fun being it was. It was, um, educational. laughter . Stephen models are always supposed to be like, were living such a great life, even were not impressed by it. You know what i mean . Its supposed to be its the high life, its the glamour life. Just imagine being in a house with 16yearolds, an entire house of hot girls who are 16 living in a house without supervision. Stephen let me think about that. Exactly. I dont think im allowed to think about that. During the commercial break. Stephen during commercial break, well think about it. Since ive got you here, you were having a beer backstage. I was. Stephen i was so jealous of you. I found out that theres a difference between american movie making and european movie making. You get to have a little bit of wine on serkt dont you . Its union law, believe it or not. I know. I mean, i dont know why its not here first of all, you only work 10 hours, 10 hours. Stephen 10 hours a day, thats it. Thats it. And y its union law, whether you want it or not, there has to be a bottle of wine on each table. People like i heard about that, so i thought maybe wed have a little oh, thanks i would love a glass of rose. Stephen its a friday show and i figure why not. Stephen european. Do you like to drink. Stephen i love it, i do love it. So nice. Stephen especially right before the weekend. Lanka. Stephen its a nice life. It is, but it was a long trip back, you know,. Stephen there are actually some photos here of you in sri lanka. Thats you on a train in sri lanka. This is you making the universal im drinking out of a coconut face. And then this this youre using a lot of filters here. Are you new to instagram . laughter you know, its i couple of filters. Stephen i like this one because this is you in whats this called. A tuktuk. I had to drive it in a commercial and it drives like a motorcycle, which i did not know how to drive, and that expression is me finally not killing somebody. Stephen i like the filter here. I think youre using the thumb filter up here. No, thats the owner of the tuktuk, who was so stressed out seek me drive. You cant break like this. You have to pump it. Imagine youre driving a motorcycle youve never driven, and you have to pump to stop. Stephen were you ever worried you were going to drive it off a cliff or something . I was worried driving into the train. Stephen the train was right there. The train was coming and i was driving it across the train rails. Stephen heres to you surviving. I know. Stephen what were you commercializing over there . What were you advertising . Are you allowed to say . No. Something like that . Some weapons system or Something Like that . Let me ask you okay, mmm. Cheers. To friday. laughter thats really nice rose. Stephen that is, that is. You know, its owned by wrad pitt this. Stephen this . Im not kidding. Stephen were super fancy. I feel more handsome right away. laughter thats really nice. So brad and angelina own this. Yeah. So exactly, why not . Do you hang out with fancy people . Do you have, like, a normal life when youre not being a fancy person on stage like now or doing your commercials with tuktuk. Describe a normal life. Stephen do you go to parties . I host you host a lot of parties . Stephen can i come to one of your parties . If you want to. Stephen where do they take place . At my house. Stephen where is that . Ill just you know what i mean . Is it in new yor is it in paris. Its all three. I get to pick. I love it. Stephen what . Its really nice. Its really not a normal life but its a great life. Stephen so congratulations. Let me ask you about europe for a second. Does europe have a version of donald trump . laughter . Yeah, better hair, um, they have marian lepen in ference. Stephen whats the name of their party, the front. It sounds so much better but its not. Stephen can you say donald trump with an accent . Donald trump. Is sounds better in french. It sounds like, you know, donald duck. Stephen donald duck. So you grew up speaking german. Do you speak french . Yes. Stephen and english professionally. Do you, like, use different accents at different times to project a different image . Like out in the world would you use i get pulled over, im french. You know, like id like to try that. Let me try that. Ill start with that one, okay . Decide whether to use english, french or german accent for the following situations, okay . Okay. Stephen you get pulled over. Can i see your license or registration, please . Im sor sorry, i dont understand. Im not from the country. You off this time. Its worked before. Stephen its worked before. How about this . applause youre having trouble Getting Service at an electronics store. What the bleep i want the internet. Oh, my god. I just totally cursed oh, my god im so sorry laughter fine. Its going to be fine. Were opposite the olympics right now. No one saw that. Okay. You tried to get all right. I dont think were going to top that. I dont think were going to top that. Youre trying to get upgraded on a flight. Oh, french. Please, im so tired. I was working all day. Please we all work all day, maam. I know, but my feet are stephen im going to let you on this time. applause thats good. Thats good. I have it down, man. Stephen thats good. The real the real deal. It really puts its french accent puts a hook into our hearts over here in america. I know it does. Its great. Stephen so manipulative. But as an actress, you manipulate peoples emotions for a living. And my own, and my own. Stephen oh, you manipulate thats how you manipulate our emotions . I guess, you know, yeah. Its a little t challenging because it is, its a psychological thriller about its a movie correct me if im wrong there is a war veteran who has p. T. S. D. , and has what you believe are paranoid fantasies. He has that beeping sound like tinnitus. And hes getting paranoid and hes there to protect me and my husband and things just go awfully wrong. Director. You worked with some of the great male directors. Is there a difference between a woman who directs you or things they can ask of you that a male director cant . I think so. Stephen do you think theres an intimacy difference . Theres a correctness between women. I dont have to charm her. Stephen you dont have to use the accent on her. Yeah, no, yeah. So that theyre usually a pain in the ass, i will say. Stephen women directors are a pain in the ass . Theyre veryou women and theyre very tough and very demanding and theres no timing them. The accent doesnt work. No tight skirts nice try. Learn your lines. Less makeup, less hair. Stephen they want you to do less makeup and here. They want you to be less attractive. Just more real. I feel men, whether they would admit to that or not have a fantasy about women sometimes, sometimes. laughter especially with the french stephen what did you say . No german accent fantasy . Stephen for mine . Do i have a german accent . You fantasize about, the german doesnt come to play. Stephen sure, it is, theyre a theyre a more how do you get out of that hole . No pun intended. laughter . Stephen lets move on. What should we talk about . Stephen i could sit h your accents all night, but, unfortunately, weve got to do these commercials and ive really loved having you here. Me, too. Stephen please come back. Will do. Stephen id love to be charmed french more. Stephen any time you want. Thank you so much. Diane kruger, everybody. Disorder opens in theaters next friday. . We all want whats best for our kids. Introducing mcdonalds new chicken mcnuggets. Made with 100 white meat chicken and no artificial colors, flavors and now no artificial preservatives. Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . band playing cheers and applause my next guest is a fencing champion who was recently named one of times 100 most influential people of 2016. This summer at rio, she will become the First American athlete to compete in the olympics wearing a hijab. Please welcome, Ibtihaj Muhammad cheers and applause thank you so much for being cheers and applause . . . Thanks very much. Congratulations on time 100. Congratulations on going to rio. Are you excited about the games . Thank you so much. Yes, i upon excited. Stephen not worried about the zika virus or anything like that . Im going no matter what. Stephen all right, good. As i said, youre the First American athlete to ever compete in a hijab. It mean to you . So hijab in arabic literally means to cover. So women who observe the hijab, cover everything except their face and their hands. Stephen is it at all times . When can you take it off . When i get home when im with my, like, friends and family, when im home. Stephen i have a shot right here of you with the first lady sword fighting with foam they wouldnt get you go at the first lady with an actual metal sword . They wouldnt let that happen . I brought it, and secret service took it from me, so, yeah. Stephen did you really . No. laughter . Stephen how did you get into fencing . You know, growing up i played a ton of different sports. My parents always encouraged us, you know, to be involved in sports from a young age. And my parents always had to change the uniform. As a muslim kid who wor a hijab, short sleeves for basketball or things like that. Yes, i ran track, and volleyball, and my teammates wore tights and i wore sweat pants. So with fencey my mother saw they were covered and wanted me to do it. Stephen as a Muslim American when competing in the olympics, what message do you hope competing in the hijab, sends to young Muslim Americans and americans in general . You know, i remember as a kid being told i couldnt do things because i was African American or because i was muslim. And i think that we have in in our society, we have people who have misconceptions, about muslims, in particular, right now. And i want tho challenge those misconceptions and show people that, you know, muslims are productive members of our do a lot of things, including, you know, participating in the olympics for team u. S. A. cheers and applause stephen how would you feel how could you feel to compete against someone who knows nothing about fencing . Because i would love to give it a try. Im so excited. laughter stephen all righan do it now . Yes, lets go. Jim, lets go to the fencing. And here we are ready to fence. If youll join me over here. All right, now. cheers and applause okay, so were going to fence. What are the rules . What do i need to know . So im a saber fencer. Stephen this is a saber. Best weapon. Dont let anyone tell you different. Up. Stephen waist up, good to hear. And we use slashing motions s to score touches. So if i hit you, the red light goes on. And if you hit me, the green light comes on. Stephen awesome, all right. That things going to flash like a strobe when i come at you. Be careful. Were ready to rock . Were ready to go. Do you want to fence to five. Stephen best of five. Best of five, all right. Stephen good luck. Im wishing you l friend. Stephen here we go. cheers and applause laughter cheers all you have to do is get that light on. Good luck. Stephen how close do we get before we start . Lets start at these lines. We can start here. Here is good. Stephen we havent started yet . Ill let you know. When i say fence, you start. Fence. Youve got to try to hit me. Stephen oh okay, thats one. So that was red. Stephen i know it was. Youve got to get your light on. Ready . Fence. Stephen oh cheers and applause ready, fence. cheers and applause . Oh stephen do you need a breather . Do you need a breather . Stephen yes. Oh, that is bleep . Ready, fence . Stephen wait you did not touch me theres no way you touched me. All right, all right. Stephen oh, the fix is in one more. Ready, fence . Oh. Ibtihaj. Ibtihaj muhammad United States olympic fencing team. Well be right back. Thank you so much. Narrator 2010. Shortsighted budget cuts in washington threatened to close the colorado facility that oversees the nations response to insectspread diseases. But Michael Bennet steps in to keep the lab open. Six years later. Reporter the global fight against zika begins here, at the cdcs Research Center in fort collins. Narrator now Michael Bennets working to make sure we continue to lead the fight against zika, for colorado and america. band playing band playing jay knows how to keep his wheels spinning. Nice shorts dad. They dont make em in adult sizes . This is what the pros wear. Look at the lines. Uhhh. Look at the other line. Mm. Mhh. Thats why he starts his day with those two scoops. In deliciously heart healthy kelloggs raisin bran. Ready to eat my dust . Too bad i already filled up on raisins. By taking steps towards a healthy heart, sighs. Kelloggs raisin bran. And try kelloggs raisin bran crunch now with more crunchy clusters. . Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, no other eyeexam is more precise. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. [bell rings] on the first day of school, i learned. It only takes some thing small welcome back. My next guest has appeared on inside amy schumer and had his own Comedy Central special. Please welcome mark normand laughter hey, hey. How you guys feeling . cheers and applause all right. Good to be here. Youre doing better than me. Im a little hung over. Yeah. Isnt that amazing, we still cant prevent a hang over. We have all this medical research. Ive tried the water. Ive tried the pills. Nothing works. We can can prevent children. laughter cant prevent a hangover. At least some people want k ive never woken up like, whoa. I am really hungover, but you know what . I think i want to keep it. People always talk about how honest you are when youre drunk. I hear that a lot, get that guy drunk and hellally you. When im hung over, thats when im honest. My life is in shambles i have nothing to live for. Your friends are like, do you want to get brunch . Im like, ive never liked you. Drunk. Youre like, hey, its the best nice ever. These are my good friends and shes super hot and you wake up and say a waste of time, i spent too much money, and thats a dude. I drank a lot. I have horrible anxiety, real bad anxiety, riddled with anxiety. By the way, the word riddled never used with anything positive. This body is riddled with cancer instead of this ice cream is riddled with sprinkles. Horrible anxiety. I live in the i dont have a car. I walk around everywhere. You guys ever leave the house without headphones. Woo thoughts are not good. My god. This whole time i thought i loved music. Turns out i just hate my brain being attacked all day long by the insecurity playlist on shuffle, you drink too much, you are going to die alone. You call that a penis . Yeah, because being an adult is you can tell being an adult is hard just by the abbreviations. When youre a teenager its l. O. L. , o. M. G. , b. R. B. When youre an adult. Crap i have a d. U. I. I have to go to the d. M. V. The i. R. S. Is up my ass. I have a u. T. I. My i. B. S. Is kicking in. I might have an s. T. D. Kids are like t. M. I. Maybe im a little cranky. I t recently. Thats a fun word. The insult is more popular than the actual product. I dont know anyone who has ever used a douche. Never seen one. What is it like a ziploc . I feel bad for the guy who invented the thing. I invented this thing for womens hygienes. Well use that to describe fedoras. Its not good for you, so apparently the guy that invented applause i dont know. Im not the sweating it. I dont get too offended by it. I dont get offended by much. My exgirlfriend was offended by everything. She was a really big feminist. Im a feminist but she was annoying. She would say, men just judge women by our looks. What about our achievements . Thats true. Men that. But ladies, you do that, too. We all judge women. One time she calle weanother girl. She was like, what, does she look like . That was her first question. I was like, whoa. What about her achievements . Come on. Yeah. Shes accomplished a lot. applause but i get it. Its got to be tough to be a lady. I get it. I cant speak for it. Im not a woman. I do think women can say stuff men never say. I was out to eat with a woman once and she said, you know what i like in a guy, the strong that. What do you look for in a woman . Silence. I like a woman who doesnt talk too much. Youd be kicked out of society. Thats why i like older women. Theyve seen it all, been through hell and back. Older women are the best. I learned about older women. I learned about menopause. Thats fun. Im very ignorant about this stuff. My aunt went through menopause. Shes bummed out and depressed. I menstruation is over. Its time on move that tampon string to the side. You graduated. Why isnt that a party . Where is that facebook invite . Hey, aunt susie stopped bleeding every month. All right everybody in the pool laughter applause all right. Now you see why i got called a douche bag. Thanks a lot. Im kevin. Stephen hell be headlining the joy theater in his hometown of new orleans on september 1. Mark normand, everybody stephen thats it for the late show. Have a great weekend. Go team u. S. A. good night Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . And feel the love tonight dont you worry . If your car breaks down you can always ride a bike . Its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from canada, give it