And simone yetch. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert . . . applause stephen thank you, chris. Hey that looks very nice. Thanks. Whats going on, man . Good to see you. Hey thats nice. Hey. Welcome to the the show, everybody. Thanks so much. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Its friday, Everybody Knows that, right . cheers and applause . Its friday, its friday . Stephen thats a real friday audience. You cant fake that. That is amazing. I get to meet amazing people on this show. Its a privilege to do a show like this. Jon absolutely. Stephen the number of peopley i get to sit down and talk to and one i get to see socially, elanmusk, the founder of tesla and spacex. Hes a reallife tony stark, and im a fan of s love space travel, but they had a rough day yesterday. Look at this. Here is their unmanned rocket being refueled at cape canaveral. Boom it blowed up real good. Now, it was unmanned, okay. Very important. No one was harmed, but it was carrying a satellite that was supposed to bring internet to subsaharan africa. Yeah, i know. Now not only dont they have yelp. laughter lets see. Fall is coming. Fall is coming right now. Summer is coming to an end. Labor day weekend, falls coming. It already feels like winter in this theater right now. Its chilly. Jon every single day. Stephen one nice thing about fall, of course, football season. Football fans here . applause me, too. Yeah. Then you know the nfl season is about to get under way, and this week at a press conference, new England Patriots quarterba brady unveiled his new haircut. There it is. Bradys getting a lot of grief a the lot of grief online for this, but i think thats beneath us as a nation. Just let me say i think its the perfect style if you spend most of your time wearing a helmet. This is perfect. Where is his offensive line . Arent they supposed to protect him from traumatic head injuries like this . Thats the haircut your wife gets before running away to run laughter applause please, come on the show. , speaking of things that are weird and terrifying, recently, a Lightning Strike killed more than 300 reindeer in norway. So bleak. So haunting. Its the most nordic story ever. Jon, can i have some bleak music, please . . . . It was a grim it was a grim hundreds of reindeer were strewn across the desolate plateau, and a researcher who inspected the scene said, the air was filled with a smell that seemed both sweet and sour. So sad. And yet. Mmmm. Sweet and sour reindeer. laughter sounds good. This story has really got me worried. How is santa going to get around this year . Plus, the song will now just go, . Rudolf the red nosed reindeer saw his friends and family die . When the stormy lightning hit them and he had to watch them fry . Sweet and sour thats all weve got so far. Thats all weve got. And those 300 dead reindeer arent the only ones having a rough week. Have you seen this blooper reel from a local commercial shoot in maine . Its an older couple thats supposed to say baked in a buttery, flaky crust, but theyre having some trouble. The line is, baked in a buttery flaky crust. Baked on a buttery crust. Close. Buttery baked in a buttery flavored crust. Baked in a buttery flavored crust crust. Baked in a buttery crispy crust. Flaky i left flaky out again. Crispy. Flaky flight. Stephen i gotta say, thats nice. Somehow watching People Struggle to Say Something is inherently funny. I totally see why that video went virtual. Viral. Stephen what did i say . Virtual. Stephen really . Stephen i totally see why that video went virtual. That video went virtual i totally see why that vimeo went styrofoam. Watching People Struggle to Say Something is just inherently funny. I totally see why that video went virtual. Jon viral stephen i totally see why that virile horse caught fire. What . That video went virtual. Virtual video went virtual. Jon let me try i totally see that voodoo viggo mortensen. Stephen haha i totally see why that sorry, what was it again . Baked into a buttery crispy crust. Jon flaky cheers and applause no viral viral stephen i toady see that video viral crust im sorry, can we just fix this in post . I totally see why this video went viral. Stephen good enough now say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . applause oh, really. Oh, my gosh. Folks this is actually this is show 202 that were doing on the show tonight. applause which brings us to the end of season one. This is it. This is a full year of shows on the late show. Thank you, guys. Thank you, audience, everybody cheers and applause thank you. Thank you to the whole staff. Guys, go get some rest. We gotta go do it again. So, this is still happening. Donald trump is still in the news. You guys have heard of him . One of the biggest issues hes trying to tackle is innercity violence. Luckily, he recently got an inside tip on how to stop all the crime in chicago. I went to a top Police Officer in chicago who is not the police chief and he i could see by the way he was dealing with his people, he was a rough, tough guy. They respected him greatly. I said, how do you stop this . How do you stop this . He said, mr. Trump, i would be able to stop it in one week. And i believed him, 100 . Stephen if you think thats impressive, he also saw this movie about how this top robopoliceman who fixed all of detroit in two hours. And hows the magical popo man going to clean up chitown . Exactly, precisely, how. No, i didnt ask him because im not the mayor of chicago. But ill tell you what. I sent his name in, and i said, you probably should hire this guy. laughter stephen so lets recap here. Donald trump claims he met a top Police Officer who said he could solve chicagos crime faster than it takes to paint a house, and trumps response was, thank you. I have no followups. But he was so impressed, that he the mayor. And in response, a spokesman for mayor rahm emanuel seemed slightly confused by trumps apparent suggestion that the Chicago Police hire someone who already worked for the Chicago Police. cheers and applause yeah. I gotta say, the marrs spokesman makes a good point. The mayor should really hire that guy. But if trump really does have a solution, theyre open to it. Recently. cheers and applause i believe, i believe thats a new one on show 20 wo. I called him Chicagos Police superintestent. Chicagos Police Superintendent recently said to trump, if you have a magic bullet to stop the violence, let us know. Okay, let me just say here a magic bullet to stop violence . Kind of a poor cho thats like saying, if you have an idea of how to reduce knife violence, take a stab at it laughter or, if you know of a way to stop arson in the city, fire away or if youve got a new plan for preventing kidnappings, take it away, baby but sorry, Police Department donald trump didnt become a fake billionaire by working for free. If you want Donald Trumps supersecret, crimefighting plan, you have to elect him president. Do you think he would just stop senseless violence out of the but the question remains who was this top cop that trump met with . Because the Chicago Police departments says, no one in the senior command has ever met with donald trump or a member of his campaign. Okay, two possible answers either trump made him up, or the cop was just deep under cover as a figment of trumps imagination. But we did a little digging, and i am happy to say we have the cop that trump spoke to here tonight. Pleads welcome live from chicago via satellite, officer rod johnson. Happy to be here, stephen. Stephen so you met with donald trump . Thats correct. I was on my way to investigate a noise disturbance, and mr. Trump stopped me to ask how we could clean up this city. I told him theres some naughty people out there who need to be in cuffs. Stephen wait, naughty im a rough, tough cop, stephen. Im not afraid to get down and dirty. cheers and applause stephen well, i gotta say, that sounds all well and good, but how are you going to face down criminals if youre not even carrying a gun . Oh, ive got guns. . . . cheers and applause stephen, you have the right to remain sexy . . . cheers and applause stephen oh, my god. Oh, my god this is going to be the best party ever well be right back with anna gunn. cheers and applause . The Bud Light Party is for everyone. Men bar crowd yeah women bar crowd woo people of all genders we dont care well sell you beer. 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Did i mention he can save people nearly 600 . You havent even heard my catchphrase. Im all done with this guy. Box him up. Thats terrible. Why are you checking your credit score . I wanna see if it changed. Credit scores dont change that much, do they . Really . Ill take it. Sir, your credit. T time you checked . Yeah, id better check my credit score. Here, try credit karma. Its free. All right. No more surprises. Credit karma. Give yourself some credit. band playing stephen hey welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is an Emmy Awardwinning actress you know as skyler white from breaking bad. I know her from drinking backstage at the emmys. She now stars in the new movie, equity. I grew up in a house where there was never enough. I was raiseed by a single mom with four kids. I took my first job on wall brothers through college. But i am not going to sit here and tell you that i only do what i do to take care of other people, because it is okay to do it for ourselves, for how it makes us feel secure . Yeah. Powerful . Absolutely. I am so glad that its finally acceptable for women to talking about ambition openly. But dont let money be a dirty we can like that, too. Stephen you go, girl. Please welcome anna gunn . . . cheers and applause nice to see you. Stephen the last time we were together we were both in a good mood because we both won emmys. You won for skylar. I had. Stephen first year . Yes. Stephen first year of fun. And we bonded over both going to northwestern university. We did. Stephen i graduated a little before you did. Where did you hang out. Yesterdays . I went to j. B. Win berries. Stephen i was a waiter. I was the artichoke dip very big. Stephen the the cajun shrimp fettucine. This was the 80s. Everything was blackened in the 1980s. Did you work for craig . I did thats crazy, i did. Stephen yeah, craig. Whats going on. I was the worlds worst waitress. Stephen i need you to go check the bathrooms. Okay. Come downstairs with me. There was a lot of touching. Stephen a lot of shoulder rubbing. A lot of shoulder rubbing. Im not that tense, craig. He was scary. Yeah, hed come and ask you down to the office to tip you out. Stephen lets talk. Tip you out. So, yeah, there was j. B. Win berrys. There was a little bennigans. I lived in jones dorm. Stephen you were a theater major. The people in jones dorm were like,im going live forever. The leg warmers, the whole thing. How about j. K. Sweets. I did go there. Stephen i sweets. Now, i remember. Stephen youre just being nice pup dont remember anything. Im just trying to play along. Stephen now, youre playing obviousliy, we know you as skyular, but now youre in equity where you play a powerful woman on with the. Do you think you could live in that world . Are you a good negotiator . Well, i had to be a good negotiator starting out as an actor, because you really have to chase it down. Point when i auditioned for a play they really wanted. And the director said, youre wonderful, but this woman needs to be very unstable, and you actually come across as very stable person. And i went and wrote her a fivepage letter it was in the days of fax machines still. So she lived in england and i kept trying to fax this fivepage letter and kept saying it was incomplete and didnt go through, so i sent it through five a ream of fax paper stretching across her house and she read it and said, i think she is unstable enough to play this role. So there you go. Stephen did you do youre a real actress. Are you method . Did you go to whats a ridealong on with the . Whats the equivalent of doing a ridealong . Its like a runalong through goldman sax. They took us on a tour you went down there and actually followed people around. Through the hallways with these women, and they im obviously tall and im a pretty fast walker. But they navigate those hallways in heels like nobody ive ever seen, and i was practically having to jog to catch up with them. And it was something we wanted to establish in the movie to see naomi as this very powerful woman striding through the hallways there their heels. When im aibility of a im a bit of a heel wimp, and week of shooting, went up like a banana like i slipped on a panana peel, came down on top of my left foot, totally landed on top of my left took, thought it was broken. Out of a 24day shoot it wasnt broken, everything was fine. But i had to wear a cast, a boot, and air cast so they shot me knees up for 14 days of a 24day shoot. Stephen are you wearing a cast in that scene . Were seeing you sitting down. Before i did that. And they had gotten all of these established shots of me walking so they actually got it, but i had to learn how to adjust my gate so i wasnt galumping around like that. Stephen what do these women say what its like to be a woman in finance . One of the most interesting thing say they had that i didnt really, is that its a psychological enterprise, really. They have to really know the clients needs. You have to read what they want, whether they need a sort of firm, strong hand. Gentied along essentially. You have to balance that against the investors neez. And they talked a lot about having to Pay Attention to what color youre wearing. Pay attention to what your hair is. All those things which women normally dont do at all. No, women dont Pay Attention to anything like that. Stephen gold man sacks specifically wall street in bankrupt. Women are seen as nicer or having a better moral compass as men do. Are these women saying they can make wall street better or saying you need to be as greedy and evil as everybody else . Theyre not saying that at all. Stephen which one . Theyre not saying the former. Wait. Which one did you say . Stephen are women on wall street do they have better moral compasses i felt they did. I felt they did. And i felt they really were behind taking these companies, believing in them, believing in, you know, guys who started a company in their garage and taking it into the public sector. And i thought, you know, i really felt that it was a passion for them. It wasnt just about crunching the numbers and making the money. Stephen one of the reasons i wanted to ask is because wall street has a likeability problem. Like, people dont trust them. They think theyre greedy. Do you mind playing somebody who is not likable . Do you mind the blowback you fet from that . I got blowback from skylar, and there was the skylar hate on the internet. That was a really tough thing to deal with. At first i didnt understand was it the way i was playing the part. Vincent Vince Gilligan and all the writers, we talked about it. We were really confused. And after a while i realized that its both the fact that people can say whatever they want anonymously on the internet. Nobody ever came up and said,boy, i hate your shes an awful woman. They would write horrible things on the internet. And i just felt that it was important towards the end of the show i wrote an oped for the New York Times about it because i had been asked about it so much. And it seemed to me that it was reflecting how we still are perceiving gender roles and traditionally i heard those stories but i didnt hear those stories about walter white. Exactly. Stephen they liked the antihero. They liked the antihero and they did not like the woman stephen theres a kind of hillarytrump thing. While people dislike hillary for their own reasons and dislike trump for their own reasons, i think the people who like trump like that people dislike him because they dont want a nice guy in office. They want somebody who will kick ass. Its the likeability factor again. When youre looking at Hillary Clinton, you have to look at her policies, at her intellect, at her, you know, track record, at the fact shes been in Public Service for all these years, not hairstyle or the color of her outfit. And i think thats something women really do have to deal with. Its something again i learned in my research for the movie, for equity, and something i went through. I felt like i went through a ring of fire with skylar, but i think the fact we keep speaking out about it, pushing at it, and knocking on that door. I think progress is being made. applause . Stephen well, it was lovely to see you. Thank you, so nice to see movie. Equity is in theaters now. 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Com im in vests and as a vested investor in vests, and invest in vests. Or not in vests. This is my retirement. Retiring retired tires. And i never get tired of it. Are you entirely prepared to retire . Plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. A show like this on a network has a lot of bigtime sponsors. I know that because cbs made me get tattoos of all their logos. That visa platinum logo is really chafing my crank. But we also offer discounts to Smaller Companies who want to sponsor the late show but cant afford a full commercial. So instead, i just say the name of their product in our twicerunning segment lesser . . . cheers and applause stephen tonight, my first lesser sponsor tonight you have a dog to protect your family. You have a have a firearm to protect your home. So why not get Real Security with lil bangerz, guns for dogs . An idea whose time has come. Just strap a gun head and hope the burglars got meat in his pockets. The late show is also sponsored by pixars new fingertown, the heartwarming story of a city inhabited by talking fingers. Starring seth rogen as the voice of mayor harry palm, and danny devito as the villain, papercut. The late show is also sponsored to you by torquey zoomzooms brand sportscars for children. The only streetlegal sports car built by kids, for kids. Also provided by the fine people at stepmom stew. Made with half the love. Remember their slogan youre not my real stew the late show is proud to be brought to you by whale sounds car horns. Tell other cars to get out of the way with the plaintive cry of a lonely whale. plaintive whale cry laughter applause how much do you want that . cheers and applause were also very grateful to the good folks at crab church. All denominations blue, stone, or softshell are welcome. Dont you owe them a chance to get square with their god before you boil them alive . Crab church. And, finally, wed like to thank broadways latest hit grandpas the musical. About their time in the war. They get real quiet about that. Critics are raving no one has died on stage yet well, believe it or not thats it for lesser sponsors. I know youre hungry for more. applause now please enjoy these greater sponsors. Well be right back with mr. John . . . Vernon a lot of childish bickering stopping you from getting things done. Sounds like washington, im monica vernon. Weve got to help hardworking families with affordable childcare, expanded family sick leave, and equal pay for equal work. Im monica vernon, and i approve this message because its time to get something done for the middle class. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. You know my next guest as the host of the number one sunday morning news show, face the nation on cbs. Please welcome the nation face himself, john dickerson. Stephen thanks for being here. Im so glad youre here on this night, pause this is the final show of our first season, 202, and you just finished your first season on cbs face the nation. So do you want to celebrate . Of course stephen how about we have a Little Something right there for you, a Little Something right there, dealer takes one. And i understand youre a fan of a i am. Thats how you celebrate the first year, juniper, right. Stephen i didnt realize the First Anniversary was the juniper anniversary. Wow congratulations stephen oh, back at you. Back at you. All right, here. Heres to william paley. There you go. Yes. cheers and applause thats really nice. Nice. Lets just finish this and take a nap stephen exactly. So what have you learned . Whats a big thing. Give me a little advice. What have you learned in your first year that you think i need to know . What have i learned . Stephen any of your guests so i interviewed president obama. Stephen okay, there you go. I dromed the pen. The he so i said, what did your predecessor tell you, advice for the job . And he said george w. Bush gave him some serious advice and then sanitizer. Stephen Hand Sanitizer . You shake a lot of hands and so use a lot of Hand Sanitizer so you wont get sick and you shake even more hands so you dont know where those hands have been. Stephen i shook your hand. There you go. applause it works double duty like this. I learned dont do Hand Sanitizer and then eat cheetos. During one of the conventions and then, of course, you have to lick the cheetos off. Stephen i put them in a trough and go like this. Debates are coming up. Heres some interesting things about the way the two candidates are preparing. Hillary clinton is, evidently, approaching it very studiously. What you have heard about Donald Trumps preparation, anything at all . What his Campaign Manager has said is he doesnt want to be do it the normal way. Hes got his own approach. Sunday, and its more of a kind of a conversation than, you know i mean, in 1992, bill clinton studied for the town hall debate where they had an audience. They made a mock stage, and they practiced it at a hotel. I mean, they practiced it down takeover little gesture. And thats not what donald trump is doing. Stephen Hillary Clinton cant Hillary Clinton is having trouble finding somebody to sit in for donald trump to be the mock donald trump because no one can can outmock him. Thats what i hear. laughter . Stephen i will neither confirm nor deny that says john dickerson. All right, who do you have this sunday on face the nation . We have Chris Christie is going to be on. Its a surtbat for donald trump. Stephen who helped set up the meeting with the mexican president. And also who is doing the transition. Stephen the possible transition. Right. Stephen you almost made me faint just now. Hillary clinton has her own person d well. Hes getting everything ready should the Trump Presidency happen. And jeff flake from arizona, trump made the trip to arizona, and flake has been very involved in the immigration issue. And hes also one of the senators, republican senators who is still in the never trump camp. So well see if hes changed his mind. Stephen your new book is called whistlestop. Im a fan of this book and i havent even read it yet. This is based on the whistlestop, which is your favorite stories from president ial politics. Is there anything like, youll talk about, like the Ronald Reagan i paid for this microphone, moment. Or ed musky crying in new hampshire. Is there any story from your archive of the president ial races in the past that you think is applicable to this year that everybody says is unprecedented . Well, so, there are sort of three i know you asked for one. So in 1824, Andrew Jackson runs, everybody worries about him being a demagogue. They worry everybody is going to vote for him because hes a war hero. And he said you know what . All these elites who are pick the candidates, the nominees of the party, forget them. The people should be picking. The people should have a voice. We heard part of that in this campaign this year sphwhri understand back in the old days you didnt run for president. No, in fact to run for president was showed you lacked the virtue for the office. Promote yourself they had to come and say, please, please be our president. Absolutely. This was part of the double game they were playing which was, i dont upon the office, and then you had all your friends out there working really hard to help you get in the office. And that norm was broken in 1840 with William Henry harrison. Stephen obviously. Sure, as everyone knows. Stephen yeah. Who was only in office for not even long enough to give a state of the union. But so 1964, goldwater runs. There is a stop movement, which is like the never trump movement. And the other parallel would be 1968, george wallace. The clip you played earlier when trump was talking about the chicago cop, wallace says basically the same thing. He said if the cops were in charge, this country would be fixed in two years. Stephen if you want to understand whats happening and what might happen in the future, john dickerson. And dont misface the nation on sundays. John dickerson, everybody. Well be right back with inventor simone yetch. Thank you, john. What are these . What is it . Duck lips. Quack quack. Plastic surgery duck uh huh you are a backwards duck. Instead of quack, he says pringles alright, hows this for a tv show. Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prepcook by night. Also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy joseph. A middleaged man whos trying to get his life together, but he cant hes to sloppy. Huhhh no here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. 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Every county, every year listening to iowans. Of iowa. band playing band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is a swedish inventor and youtube star best known for making robots that are really good at not doing what theyre meant to. Please welcome simone yetch simone, thanks so much for being here. Here. Youre welcome, youre very welcome. Stephen when did you Start Building roberts . I started doing hardware hacking two years ago and i had ideas i wanted to prototype and was always looking for somebody to do it for me until i was like, hey, i can teach myself to stephen so you taught yourself. Googling. Stephen i have to write that down. Google, that sounds like a good source. Google it. Google how to google you. Stephen have a specific title. Youre not just a robot mairk. Youre the queen of something. You can tell people because i cant say it. The queen of bleep robots. I asked, and we can say crappy. Stephen we can say crappy robots. Or shoddy. Stephen how do you say the whole sentence in bleep . I would guess. But it doesnt translate that well. Stephen it sounds so much classier in swedish. Im dying to know if cbs will bleep any of the words you just said . I think theyll bleep all of them to be sure. Stephen a lot of the robots you make are dangerous. Well get to one in a second. We have a clip here of you. You made a robot that will cut your hair, a drone. Put a pair of scissors ons drone. Stephen can we show that, laughter stephen okay. Congratulations. cheers and applause . Its a great look. Yeah, its a great look. Stephen truly a crappy robot. What do we have first here . A the lot of the products i do they spur from some sort of everyday problem i have. So i chop a lot of vegetables, and its kind of a boring thing to do. Nobody really likes it. So i thought machine do it for me. So were going to put carrots in here. Stephen those are sharp, actual knives. Yeah. Stephen i will back away. I can trust you with this . Stephen i have precounted my fingers. So we just switch it on. laughter and here we go. Yeah. So this is perfect for a nutritious meal. We can we can do some other vegetables as well. We can do a little bit of a cucumber. I can just just are you sure. Stephen there we go. All right. And we some mini carrots if you want that as well. Stephen this is actually how the baby carrots are made. This is a thing of nightmare i would love to see money in a Quentin Tarantino wear on their chest. What do we have here . The battle of the vegetables coming up. You eat your food need to brush your teeth, and its also kind of a boring thing to do. Stephen am i putting this on . Do you want to . Nope, not particularly. Do you want him to . cheers and applause stephen okay. All right. Now, this one doesnt have any knives whoa any knives attached to it, does it . No, just the toothbrush. Im not sure it hasnt cleaned, though. But thats thats fine. Stephen all right, all right. This is just okay, so you stephen im so terrified. And you need to open your mouth, show your teeth. cheers and applause . Stephen okay. How do you feel . Stephen clean, oh, my gosh. Yeah. Stephen that was a brusque with death. All right. Now what is this next one right here . Im all clean. What do i do now . So now you need to i mean, this is l prepared for the night. So you have to get your make up done. laughter stephen all right, where do i go . Where should my head be . Ill show you. So just stay put. Stephen stay put . Stay put. Okay okay, now you need to go here. Go there. Right there laughter you look fantastic you look fantastic stephen thank you, thank you. I also want to get some in here. Stephen why, missyech, im beautiful. I also upon to be pretty. You need to get it all over it, like, just so you dont miss any spots. Stephen okay, uhhuh. We look like we had night. Stephen we really do. Or a really good night cheers and applause stephen uhhuh. This is also another horrible scene from a Quentin Tarantino movie. And what do we have here . So here we have, just to round thengz off, a clapping machine. The applause machine. Because you dont upon to have to clap your own hands. Thats a thing of the past. This is the future. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, the clapping machine. applause oh stephen truly, truly, truly the bleep continues. Simone yetch, everybody thank you Stephen Simone yetch on youtube channel. Go check it out. Late show, everybody. Good night, cheers captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh . Are you ready all to have some fun the late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the Cobalt Institute of