Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170127

Stephen good to see you, my friend. Jon, whats up . Good to see you. Nice to see you. Welcome to the late show, folks. Please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Youre too kind. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host. Im your host, stephen colbert. And, you know sorry, what . Whats this . Whats this . Oh, hang on, let me see. Oh, this . Its no big deal, just the clemson helmet given to me by South Carolina governor nikki haley, and signed by clemson head coach dabo swinney. cheers and applause i wear it all the time. I wear it all the time, i usually just take it off before i come out here. Oh, hey, i just remembered, last night clemson defeated alabama to become College Footballs National Champion cheers and applause no big deal, National Champion. And since ive got the helmet, im kind of National Champion, too. Couldnt play last night because i had to do my show. I was very backbench. And, wow, what a great game, real backandforth affair. Did you guys see the game . Did anybody watch the game . cheers and applause incredible, incredible, yeah. First, one team has the ball and their guy was running, then the other team they got the ball for a while, and then they were throwing it to their guy, who caught it. Impossible to figure out who was going to win the game, because i was watching big bang theory. But still, still, hell of a game. Congratulations to all the players. You earned every penny last night, guys, good for you. laughter and applause meanwhile there you go, downtown. Meanwhile, whats going on . Oh, trumps transition is still steaming along like a whats a big steaming thing . Anyway, its steaming, is the important thing. It clears the pores, when you put your face over it. Today, the senate began confirmation hearings for attorney general nominee and keebler elf who escaped the tree, Jeff Sessions. These confirmation hearings, ive watched a few, they can get pretty tense, but there were a few laughs. Were about to get an answer to the ageold question, can you be confirmed attorney general of the United States over the objection of 1,400 law professors . laughs laughs stephen ha, ha, ha. Its funny because nothing matters. laughter sessions nomination has caused a little bit of controversy because of accusations of racist talkietalk. Heres the deal back in the 1980s, his African American assistant attorney testified that sessions called him boy on multiple occasions, and he joked that he thought the k. K. K. Members were okay, until he learned they smoked marijuana. Right . Burn a cross . Okay. Burn one down . No. laughter uhuh, nuhuh, no. Now, sessions admitted that he said this back then, but he was joking, and today immediately addressed the White Elephant in the room. Let me address another issue straight on. I was accused in 1986, of failing to protect the Voting Rights of African Americans, by presenting the perry county case, the voter fraud case, and of condemning civil rights advocates and organizations and even harboring, amazingly, sympathies for the k. K. K. These are damnably false charges. I abhor the klan and what it represents, and its hateful ideology. Stephen okay, Jeff Sessions doesnt love the klan. Well, i guess were done here. Everyone be careful not to trip over that extremely low bar as youre leaving the chamber. laughter now, sessions record raises concerns for democrats, but its going to be almost impossible for them to block him because hes too nice. Thats just how politics works. Andrew jackson was responsible for the trail of tears, but remember when he ordered pizza for everybody . Nice guy. Besides, every office even here every office has that one guy with some questionable views, but you put up with it because hes so nice. Weve got one here at the late show, our accounts payable guy, andy. Super sweet guy, but just here, take a look. Whos up for karaoke tonight . 7 00, on me . Spouses welcome. Sometimes i wonder if world war ii ended the right way. Anybody else . Oh, come on tell me you dont think hunting old people on a Desert Island would be a ton of fun. Im sorry, im going on and on. Hows your family doing . Have a nice weekend. Remember, just because women can legally vote, doesnt mean they should stephen solid guy. Super solid guy. The point is, i dont care how nice sessions is. I just dont think that Jeff Sessions is qualified for the job. My question is very simple. Is grabbing a woman by her genitals without consent, is that Sexual Assault . Yes. Stephen i like him. laughter well, what else is going on with the trump people . Oh, the rumor i told you about last night is official Donald Trumps soninlaw, jared kushner, will be named Senior Adviser to the president. Now, in fairness come on now, come on. Give him a shot here. In fairness to kushner, his qualifications go well beyond being Donald Trumps soninlaw. Hes also married to Donald Trumps daughter. laughter jon yeah. Stephen now, a lot of people are saying that this violates the 1967 federal antinepotism statute, which prohibits Public Officials from appointing relatives to a civilian position in the agency over which he exercises control. But trumps folks say there is no conflict because, a, the white house is not an agency, and b, donald trump has never exercised control. laughter cheers and applause and were good were good. I like that. That was very nice. Jon its trump music, yeah. Stephen thats the donald trump music . Jon yeah, thats the trump train, you know what im saying . Stephen can i hear that . Stephen sounds like were going up a hill. Jon yeah, because stephen and then we jump off the top when we get up there. laughter jon thats right, thats right. Stephen well, just like his fatherinlaw, mr. Kushner will not take a salary. And just like his fatherinlaw, i really wish he would. I want a guy who needs the gig, not someone who sees running the country as a hobby, like, you know, a way to meet people. Like, ill run the country instead of joining an adult kickball league. Now, trump needs to hire a lot of people, because unlike previous transitions, trump is getting rid of all of obama hires, immediately. Everybody is fired, whether he has replacements for them or not. And this is true hes even getting rid of the people in charge of maintaining our nuclear arsenal. Yep, theyre leaving our Nuclear Weapons home alone. Yes, its a great new movie about a young member of isis out to steal our weaponsgrade plutonium. I believe we have a clip. Excuse me. Where do they store the nukes . Down the hall and to the left. Thanks. Stephen it should be fine. It should be fine. cheers and applause jon fly away stephen heres the thing the people of the National Nuclear Security Administration who, again, guard our Nuclear Stockpile legally can only follow orders from the two officers who just got fired by trump. So what are they going to do now, outsource it to a task rabbit . Set up a take a nuke, leave a nuke tray . I admit, while this cause some concern, one nuclear official had some words of calm for a troubled nation im more and more coming around to the idea that were so very, very bleep . laughter but on the bright side, if the world ends, trump will be a one term president. laughter cheers and applause now what else is going on . How about some lessdisturbing news, okay . Heres one. Theres a new biography of author margaret wise brown. You know the childrens classic, goodnight moon. Shes the lady who wrote that. And im only halfway through the book, dont tell me what happens. Dont tell me what happens to the bowl full of mush. Now, wise browns biography is getting some headlines, because apparently brown had a pretty wild life, including longterm affairs with a married man and a married woman. No surprise. Childrens authors can be pretty freaky. There are rumors that dr. Seuss had a kink where he liked to be slurfed with a durf in his glurf. Thats right up the glurf. Now, legally, i cant show a glurf on cbs. But i think we all know what the glurf is. Jon whoa, whoa. Stephen you know what a glurf is. Youre an adult. Jon yeah, yeah, glurf. Uhhuh. Thats right, uhhuh. Stephen thats how they make babies in whoville. Jon oh, thats right. Stephen they stick it up your whereville. Now, another big laughter just trying to keep it light before the world ends. Just trying to keep it light before they take our nukes. Im just trying to keep it light. Another big revelation brown told a reporter, i dont especially like children. No surprise there. After all, she let a child sleep in a room with an unattended fire. But the Biggest Surprise is that the characters in goodnight moon are bunnies, and according this biography, brown was an avid rabbit hunter, which explains why the old lady was whispering hush. Margaret wise brown was headed over with a shotgun shut your mouth or its goodnight, everybody laughter applause well, in light of these revelations, we at the late show have acquired an early draft of goodnight moon that reflects margaret wise browns lifestyle when she wrote it. Here we go. Everybody get comfy. In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon. I called my married lovers. Theyll be here soon. The kids fast asleep. I made him go hush by putting some ambien in the dinner mush. laughter goodnight, mittens. Goodnight, toy house. Hello, lovers who have a spouse. laughter jon oh, oh applause stephen im not sure whats going on here. Goodnight you, goodnight me. Please, leave this out of my biography. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Andrew garfield is here. Oh, look weve got fees ew, really . Oh, its our verizon bill look at them. Line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them. Decent people shouldnt have to live like this did i get it . Tmobile ends surprise fees and taxes thats right, with tmobile one, taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. All unlimited, all in. Its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. So tasty. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a golden globe and tonynominated actor who scaled walls in spiderman, patched up american g. I. In hacksaw ridge, and now plays a jesuit priest in Martin Scorseses silence. Please welcome andrew garfield. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen wow you nailed the landing i dont know what youre talking about. Stephen how you have been . Very good. Very happy to be here. I love this show. I love what youre doing. I think youre voicing everyones concerns and youre keeping us light, and im very, very grateful. cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Youre reflecting a lot of the horror that im feeling in my heart and body, and i appreciate that as well. Stephen well, thank you. I have enormous affection for you right now, for some reason, too. Thank you very much. Is it because of the flattery . Stephen i like anyone who likes me. Congratulations on this amazing year of yours, between silence and hacksaw ridge, you turned in two of the most powerful performances of the year. You were just nominated for a golden globe. You didnt win. Im sorry about that. Thank you for bringing that up. Stephen but you also had one of the most memorable moments. You kind of stole cheers you kind of stole stole focus because you were sitting there with Ryan Reynolds and, he was up against ryan gosling. Yes. Stephen you know, for the golden globe, and this is what happened when ryan gosling won. This is what happened between you and Ryan Reynolds. There you go and. cheers and applause what happened what happened whats the story there . Whats going on there . I just wanted ryan to know that i loved him, no matter whether he won or lost. I just wanted, wanted him to know that i stephen thats very supportive. Yeah, that it doesnt matter. Its how you play the game. He showed up and he gave his all, and it doesnt change anything in my heart, so i just wanted stephen and you love him just as much. Yeah, and i just wanted him to know that. Stephen thats nice. And youre very comfortable with kissing other men. I mean, i dont even understand the question. Stephen me, either. Me, either. Not everybody is, but im totally comfortable with it, too. I just want to you know that at any point during this all right. cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers cheers stephen what were we talking about . laughter applause so, youre laughter youre a very gentle lover, ill start with that. Youre nominated you were nominated for hacksaw ridge. Yes. Stephen right, and and you turned in an incredible performance in silence. These are both men of deep faith. Mmhmm. Stephen were you raised with any particular deep faith of your own . I wasnt, actually, strangely enough. I was raised very open. I was given a lot of you know, it was really stephen like a Free Range Chicken . Like a Free Range Chicken yeah. Took the words right out of my mouth. You know, its a weird thing. One of my heroes growing up was mahatma gandhi. Thats a weird thing to have as a hero when youre seven. Stephen well oh, seven . When youre seven or eight. Yeah. And i was just fascinated by stephen because you wouldnt eat your vegetables and you were like, mom, im like gandhi. Why gandhi when you were seven . How were you exposed to him . I cant even remember how it happened. I just remember being very young and going to school for the first time and seeing the playground bully and not really understanding why he was the way he was. And my first impulse was to to hug him and kind of tell him, its all right. You dont have to behave this way. Stephen at seven . I dont, i dont understand. It was something i think its my mothers fault. She taught me about unconditional love, and she taught me about hurt people hurt people hurt people. People who are hurt, hurt people. Hurt other people. Am i explaining this . Stephen i was with you the first time. Okay, fine. Stephen no, i get it. Its simple but deep. Yeah, very deep. And it kind of i really owe it to my wonderful mother, lynn garfield. And there was something about gandhi that, you know, him and my mother were my heroes growing up, in that regard. But then, of course, i became this bullys target, because i saw him very, very deeply. And he understood stephen did you hug him . Oh, yeah. I would protect him from bigger bullies. You know, i was the one that was, like, protecting him and explaining to the bigger bullies, you dont understand, hes just deeply damaged by his kind of, his mothers abandonment of him, and his dad doesnt know what hes doing and he drinks whatever it was. Stephen was there any benefit to this behavior of yours . Did he still pick on you . Oh, yeah, more and more, because of it. And i for some reason kept on protecting him. I mean, this was a bizarre, toxic, unhealthy relationship, much like our relationship with our future president elect, kind of, possibly. cheers and applause stephen but thats but youre but thats self sacrificial. Thats very christlike of you. Well. Yes. No, no, please it was a bit foolish as well. But, i mean, yeah, i dont know. Stephen christ says, call no man fool. But i just what about yourself . Can you call yourself a fool . Stephen a fool for christ, i suppose. laughter weve got to take a little break, but well be right back with more andrew garfield. Stick around. band playing applause Stella Artois has partnered with us at water. Org to help provide access to clean water to women and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Tawell, the only place youn, need go. Oll . Londons got the best of everything. Cornwalls got the best of everything. Sport sport nightlife nightlife both fashion adventure im tellin ya, britain is the only place you really need go. Expedia. Everything you need to travel britain better. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. You have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. band playing applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with andrew garfield, the star of silence and hacksaw ridge. In this new movie silence, you play a jesuit missionary we had adam driver on here the other night. The two of you play jesuit missionaries who go to japan during the tokugawa shogunate, like, when japan is closed, to try to find liam neeson. Did you have to study laughter i know, i know. Not actually liam neeson; you know what im trying to say. And he plays himself in the film. Stephen yeah, yeah. Hes that good. That good and stephen did you have to study like, did you study to be a jesuit . I studied with a mutual friend of ours, father james martin, who used to stephen sure, he was the chaplain of colbert nation. Yeah, and someone i love as dearly as you seem to. I studied with him for a year and i went through the ignation spiritual exercises. Stephen what do you do . I never actually studied with a jesuit. What do you have to do . Is it like, becoming a kung fu monk, but with praying . What do you do to get ready for it . Pretty much like the most gentle, compassionate kung fu monk there is. You know, not only did we study the theology and the history of the society of jesus, but theres these processes called the spiritual exercises, that st. Ignatius created when he founded the order. And its kind of the basis for all 12step programs around the world, a. A. Being the first. And its this transformational process where you do this imaginative, meditative prayers with the life of jesus, where you place yourself in each scene, much like being an actor. And actually, i found out that stanislavski, who invented modern acting, the method of modern acting that resulted in the american method and everything after that, was deeply inspired by st. Ignatius spiritual exercises. So i felt kind of right at home and it was this very weird thing where you create a very deep relationship with jesus christ. And i didnt know much about jesus. I didnt i hadnt really studied the bible. As i said, im kind of an agnostic, pantheist. But i also discovered, the jesuits themselves are incredibly pantheist, in a way, in the sense that, like stephen pantheist . Like zeus, and those people . What do you mean by pantheist . Like pagans . No, no, no, i would never please, do not dont get me in trouble with father martin. Its how i hear that is, finding god in all things. Finding god in every single human being, meaning, finding love in every single human being, finding possibility in every single human being, finding, you know, in the tree that was cut down to make this table you know, suddenly everything becomes a miracle. I just, i just love that. I think thats such a wonderful way to see the world, and a beautiful way to see the world. cheers and applause stephen well, these two jesuits are deeply tested. These two jesuits that you and adam driver play, these two jesuits are deeply tested, their faith is deeply tested, because theyre captured by the japanese, who are trying to rid japan of christians at the time. And we have a scene here of the two of you trying to figure out what to do now that youre being tested. How do you continue . Jim . We dont even know if father ferreira is alive or dead. The villagers never even heard of him. These people are so frightened. Its fear, all they have. And lice. They have us. We comfort them. How much longer can we do that . We asked for this mission, fransisco. We prayed for this in the exercises. God heard us then and he hears us now. Then may he guide us to ferreira so we can know the truth. applause stephen now, what people may notice in that is, you guys both lost a ton of weight. You lost a ton of weight for that. How much did you lose . I lost 40 poundsish. Yeah, and im a skinny guy anyway, so i was like stephen adam driver said he lost 50 pounds. He wins. Stephen yeah. He won. Stephen hes 10 pounds better actor. Yeah, thats right pretty much. Stephen how did you lose 40 pounds . Goodness, you know, you just kind of dont eat, and, and stephen that will do it. And get angry, get very, very angry at everything around you. Thats pretty much the process. Stephen really . Is the not eating make you angry . Or does the anger make you not eat . The not eating makes you incredibly has anyone fasted . Has anyone gone through, like, a fast . Yeah, and its a beautiful, spiritual process, because the idea is you empty out in order for all of the spirits to enter. And, my goodness, i was empty, and it was it was brutal. You know, we would kind of be sneaking blueberries and almonds in between takes. Stephen cheating. Yeah, a little bit of cheating. Stephen you did a week of silence, right . Silent retreat. Yeah, myself and adam together. We didnt really know each other very well at that point. And he kind of arrived two days after me, and we kind of waved to each other. Stephen what do you do on a silent retreat . Is there a lot of mime . Like, aaah im sad. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Is there whats the first thing you said to each other when you could first like, after a week, when you havent been able to talk and you havent really met before, whats the first thing you said to each other after a week of silence . Yeah, so we had these seven days and it was so full of this kind of, you know, divine attempt to pray and to meditate and to get close to those deep inner voices and the spiritual kind of exploration we were doing. And i think we got into the car, and it was as if the devil in both of us said where the bleep have you been . Because we just had the most disgusting, dirty, awful, dark conversation for three hours on the way to the airport. Because we had had this it was like it was like the devil felt so left out of the last seven days that he just came and made us say the worst, like nasty i cant even remember. Ive, like, blocked it out. We just we went to the darkest place for about three hours. Stephen did you talk about any of this stuff with mel gibson, by the way . Yeah, we did. Stephen because we had mel on here and he believes the devil and the angels are real and theyre around us and fighting over us all the time. Yeah, right, yeah, i mean stephen do you believe in any of that stuff . I believe in i believe in that as metaphor. I believe in it as energy. I believe in it as our better angels. And, no, absolutely. And also, i, i to be honest, certainty, certainty about anything, is the most terrifying thing to me. Stephen what do you mean, certainty is terrifying . Certainty is terrifying . Stephen yeah. I mean sighs stephen if you knew that there was an afterlife, would that be comforting or terrifying . How would i ever know . Stephen i dont know. But, what i mean is stephen a visitation from an angel. Well, sure, but i would question it. Even after a visitation. I think its healthy. You think about thomas martin, the great trappist monk and philosopher, really. His doubt was his greatest ally. He was always, constantly doubting, and i think a life of faith is not a life of certainty. A life of faith is a life of doubt. And i think it is so healthy to doubt. It is so healthy to doubt oneself, it is so healthy to doubt any assumption we make about how to live. And i think what i say when what i mean when i say certainty scares me, certainty starts war. Certainty starts war on behalf of ideology. Certainty of, i know and you dont. Thats the scariest thing to me. And what a human being is capable of doing. applause stephen andrew, thank you so much for being here. Silence is in theaters now. Andrew garfield, everybody. Well be right back with erin andrews. cheers and applause band playing 90 of the Worlds Largest supercomputers run on intel . That means you can take a universe of data in your case literally and turn it into medical discoveries, diagnostic breakthroughs. Proof that black holes collapse into one singularity. I dont know what that is. But yes. Innovation runs on supercomputers. And supercomputers run on intel. You are super smart. And super busy. Ooh ufo false alarm, eyelash sometimes you capture the moment. And sometimes, it captures you. Marriott now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. What bad back . Gels work so fast youll ask what pulled hammy . Advil liqui gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. band playing applause stephen thank you, jon. Hey, everybody. My next guest tonight is the lead sideline reporter for fox nfl and cohosts abcs dancing with the stars. Please welcome erin andrews cheers and applause heyey stephen heyo i mean, if this dress opened up are we going to make out . Stephen what . Huh . Stephen im in a relationship right now. You are . Stephen im in a relationship with andrew garfield. Im flattered. We all just saw. Stephen im flattered. How did that go . Now, did you do a little listerine before, or do a check . Stephen just went for it, baby. Yes please stephen a little more open mouth than i expected, but i got to say, aplus. laughter i love this is a beautiful dress. I like, i like the colors. Thank you im, like, holding it together as im sitting. Hello thanks. I think theyre yeah, theyre bugs, right . Stephen theyre very pretty. Well, thank you. Stephen now, youre a nice to meet you, by the way. I feel, its crazy ive never met you before. Do you not like to be touched . Stephen i love to be touched, but i sorry. Stephen but if you touch me, i, i get very quiet. Oh, okay. laughter stephen ill show you. Ill keep talking, you touch me, while im talking cheers and applause this mig sorry stephen this might be this might be my favorite show time. Mine, too. Stephen thank you very much. So youre a sideline reporter. Were you surprised that clemson beat alabama last night . First of all, i was bummed out i didnt get to stay up and watch it. I was on a morning show. So, people wake up early for that business, huh . But i saw the highlights as soon as i woke up. Ive got to tell you, im an s. C. C. Girl. I went to the university of florida. Thats i know they said you dont know much about football . But thats stephen i know everything about football ask me anything about football ill answer any questions. Schools from the south, and alabama, im a huge nick sabein fan, hes the head coach of alabama. Stephen like god . Yeah, and his players become incredible. And ive actually told nick sabein that when i have my firstborn, that its going to be like, lion king, circle of life. Im going to give birth to my child and pass him on to nick sabein, to raise my kid, make him win a Heisman Trophy and National Championship and go to the n. F. L. How does that sound . Stephen no pressure. Right. Stephen wow, talk about tough love. And youre going to hear, like, the lion king music. Its going to be amazing. Stephen did you play a sport . I didnt. I just have always been a spectator. I was a daddys girl, i watched, you know, all the games with my dad, watched his teams and learned all about it. Stephen now, you were sideline at the giantspackers game. This past weekend. Stephen zero degrees. Froze my patootie off, yeah. Stephen at lambeau field. It kind of feels like this studio right now. Stephen a little bit chilly. Slightly chilly, or whats it like . Whats it like i mean, obviously you dont have, like, 500 pounds of blubber as a linebacker to protect you and i assume you werent wearing that dress. Whats that like . I mean, can you do your best job as a reporter if you cant move your mouth . I mean, well, yeah, i was wrapped up, like from christmas story, randy, he was like i cant move my arms now do you love that . I mean stephen i do, i do love that. Thank you. God, i hoped you got that one, too. Yeah, so i had that, and stephen hey, i have cultural references im an american im sorry, thats terrible. Stephen go ahead, go ahead. No, but the biggest factor for me, its not even like, you know, youre freezing, its just the constant runnage of the nose. And i just feel like you dont even youre talking to a player and youve just got the snot coming down, and its like, so, that hail mary. sniffs its just stephen it humanizes you. Yeah, its special, i have to tell you. Stephen now, there was a lot of criticism from the giants about having the boat trip, the week before. Right, didnt hear a thing about it. Stephen did you do you think any of that criticism is legitimate, that they, like, should not have taken the day off, and should have been on the practice field . Look, this is my thing. Theyre grown men. They know what theyre doing. My only question about it was i didnt i mean, listen, Justin Beiber . I didnt know the street cred was that high for odell and victor cruz and sterling shepard. I want to hang with beyonce. I mean, Justin Beiber stephen they were on biebers boat. Yeah thats stephen listen, you go with the boat you can get, not with the boat you necessarily want. I dont know if beyonces boat was in miami harbor. Thats a good point. Wheres your boat . Stephen have you been on beibers boat . No. But id love to try it no, im kidding. Stephen its very nice. Is it . Stephen oh, yeah. Hows your boat . Stephen ive got a skiff. 12 feet long, its wood. You paddle it. Do you have a boat . Not as big as yours. Stephen do you actually have a boat . No stephen you have to get a boat. I grew up in florida, but no boat. Stephen how do you get around in florida . Soon, youll need a boat to get anywhere. Yeah. Stephen now, are you sick of hearing players say the same things on the sidelines all the time . Because they always say things like, give 110 . Dug down deep. Yeah, thats usually in our interviews, but from where im standing on the sidelines, i mean, i hear the craziest things you could ever imagine. I mean, i wish i could report on some of the things stephen why cant you report on them . Youre a sideline reporter well, the n. F. L. Doesnt allow that. You do have to paraphrase. I heard you had a question about that. If you do hear something, for the n. F. L. , you do have to paraphrase. Nick asked me, your producer. You do paraphrase, but stephen what do you mean paraphrase . So, like stephen so if you hear two players talking and you think thats news get your head out of your rear end. You have got to start catching these balls. Whats wrong with you . Were you on a boat in miami . Whats wrong . I cannot say, i just heard so andso say this to soandso. I have to say, well, soandso was very unhappy with the fact his wide receiver, you know, was unable to catch a few balls. You have to paraphrase, you cant say exactly what they said. Stephen what happens if you say . I dont think the n. F. L. Really likes it. Its just a rule as a sideline reporter, i cannot can repeat verbatim i hear on the sideline. Stephen are you ever scared on the sidelines that youre going to get hit by one of these guys . Yes, yes stephen and i dont mean, like, hit, like, someone will just come careening off the field no, its another thing you really have to be serious about. Because, theyre coming or sometimes, im writing my notes or im texting, and all of a sudden theyre like, look out ive been nailed in the face by a baseball before at a mets game. And it was no joke, it hit off my face, it was a line drive, went in the stands, and this little brat kid was like, can you sign my ball . And i was like, i hate you laughter stephen i got hit by a line drive foul ball once at a minor league game, and it bounced off my face and the guy next to me caught it. Yeah, the guy behind me caught it and the Security Guard in front of me crouched down and i got nailed. Stephen the Security Guard crouched down . Yeah, and i was so upset and then my poor dad heard about it on television and called me, and i didnt cry the whole time, i was absolutely fine. Baseball players and trainers were running up to me and asking me if i was okay, and i was like, yeah, im fine. Drinking a swig of, like, diet coke. And all of a sudden my dad called and i go, i think i broke my chin stephen now, you also have another job, which is, for the last couple of years youve been the cohost of of so you think you can dance, is it . No, dancing with the stars. Are you insane . Stephen sorry. Theyre both dancing. So, theres both, dancing. Umm. But we only have one bruno. Are you joking . Do we get to redo this . laughter stephen do we get to redo it . Ill tell you what. Ill tell you what, ill redo it, but ill leave in my bleep up. Yeah stephen all right, lets try this again, ready . So youre youre also cohost of dancing with the stars. I am, yeah. Stephen do you think you can dance . I did that show, actually. laughter i did laughter stephen hold on, im just bleep with you. Now, okay why are you laughing . You know its not funny. Stop making him feel better. Stephen now, heres the deal, heres the deal is this mine or yours . Stephen lets find out. Okay. Stephen no, its yours i promise you, its yours. Okay, thanks. Stephen so, you know something the rest of us need to know, is that rick perry was a contestant. And rick perry is going to be the new secretary of energy. Right. Stephen okay, does anything from his performance lead you to believe that hes going to be a great cabinet member . He didnt have much energy on our show. Stephen i beg to differ. Jim, can we, can we show rick perry dancing . Stephen that just instills confidence thats a cabinet member that guy is in line to be president now. Thats one of those performances, you sit back and you say, bless his heart. It was so nice he came out and tried to be a part of our family. Stephen now, tell me what orangetheory is. Orangetheory is a workout that i do and i would love all of you to try it and every single one of you here could go to our over 550 studios in the United States. Its strength training. Its cardiovascular. Its changed my life. Why dont you come with me . Tomorrow stephen absolutely as far as anyone knows, i accept thanks laughter stephen check out Orangetheory Fitness in a city near you. You can catch erin andrews on fox. Well be right back with a performance by cage the elephant. I just see a black screen. What are you looking at . Crazy stuff, man. Youve gotta see this. Whatwhat is this . Its like some 3d virtual world. Can i see . Oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. Look at the moon. Whoot. Its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. Have you any wool . Eep, no sir, no sir, some nincompoop stole all my wool sweaters, smart tv and gaming system. Luckily, the Geico Insurance agency recently helped baa baa with renters insurance. Everything stolen was replaced. And the hooligan who lives down the lane was caught selling the stolen goods online. Visit geico. Com and see how easy it is to switch and save on renters insurance. So tasty. Introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion allwheel drive. Soon to be. Everywhere. band playing Stella Artois has partnered with us at water. Org to help provide access to clean water to women and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Play marian hill. Are you down, dddown, dddown, dddown, down, down . Are you. Down, ddown, down, dddddown, down, down, down . Down, ddown, down, down, dddddown, down, down, down . Are you down, are you down, are you dddown, are you . 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Stephen and now, performing cold cold cold from their grammynominated rock album, tell me im pretty, ladies and gentlemen, cage the elephant cheers and applause doctor look into my eyes ive been breathing air but theres no sign of life doctor the problems in my chest my heart feels cold as ice but its anybodys guess doctor, can you help me cause i dont feel right better make it fast before i change my mind doctor, can you help me cause i dont feel right better make it fast because there aint much time well its cold cold, cold, cold inside darker in the day than the dead of night cold, cold, cold, cold inside doctor can you help me something dont feel right something just aint right sweet nurse dont look at me that way ive seen those eyes before i can tell you want to play counselor give me some advice tell me how hard will i fall if i live a double life doctor, can you help me cause i dont feel right better make it fast before i change my mind doctor, can you help me cause i dont feel right better make it fast because there aint much time well, its cold, cold, cold, cold inside darker in the day than the dead of night cold, cold, cold, cold inside doctor, can you help me cause something dont feel right something dont feel right something just aint right and as the darkness falls it fills up both my eyes my life before me like a flash in the night with my arms open wide well, its cold, cold, cold, cold inside cold, cold, cold, cold inside cold, cold, cold, cold inside doctor, can you help me cause something dont feel right something dont feel right, something just aint right cheers and applause stephen cage the elephant, everybody well be right back. The fastest waya to ruin pancakes. Thats why dennys uses fresh, never frozen blackberries that are fresh. And never frozen. Did we mention they were fresh . Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause cheers and applause are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the moment at which you realize where you are,