Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Now cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, before we get started, i just want to take a moment to talk about the attack today in alexandria, virginia. Once again, were all shocked in mind and soul by a mass shooting, this time targeting, apparently, republican congressmen. And i pray to god that everybody pulls through. Violence of any kind is never justified and is the last refuge of the incompetent. Thankfully, none of the members of their staff or police were killed today. And i will say this even in the horror of this day, there was reason to take heart in bipartisan responses like this we will use this occasion as one that brings us together, and not separates us further. We are united in our shock. We are united in our anguish. An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us. Stephen so, i just want to say thank you to the congressional leadership, and to the president for responding to this act of terror in a way that gives us hope that whatever our differences, we will always be the United States of america. Thank you for that. cheers and applause now, lets try some comedy. Ah, whats going on today . Oh, its Donald Trumps birthday. Yeah, its Donald Trumps birthday. 71 candles on that cake. Although, trump later said it was over a million candles. laughter most candles ever. And 200 democrats got together to give the president something he might like. But instead, theyre suing trump over foreign payments to his businesses. cheers and applause at least at least it is his birthday. It is his birthday. So at least they got together to give him this card congratulations, birthday boy youve been served. cheers and applause its nice. Its sweet. If youre going to do it, its a nice way to do it. Also, 24 hours later, were all still digesting the Senate Intelligence committees all youcanstonewall buffet featuring attorney general and doll carved from an apple, Jeff Sessions. laughter applause sessions they sneak up on you sometimes. Sessions had a lot to answer for, from his role in the comey firing to his undisclosed meetings with the russian ambassador. And republicans did not hesitate to hold his curly shoes to the fire. Attorney general, its good to see you here. Its good to see mary. I know that there are probably other places youd both rather be today. And its good to see you here together, and know that your family continues to be proud and supportive of what you do. Thank you. Ive been blessed, indeed. I agree with that. I agree with that. Stephen mr. Sessions, my question is as follows are you now, or have you ever been the worlds greatest grandpa . laughter do you recognize this mug, sir . At long last, do you not recognize this mug . But thank you. There were that shelf is getting very crowded over there. Jon it is. You have to dust it. Stephen but there were a few tougher questions for sessions to answer; namely, about conversations he had with the president , but sessions was perfectly expressed his willingness not to answer them. Im not able to discuss with you, or confirm or deny, the nature of our private conversations that i may have had with the president. It would be inappropriate for me to answer and reveal private conversations with the president. Im not able to share with this committee private communication. Im not able to comment on conversations with high officials within the white house. Stephen wow, hes really good at providing absolutely no information. I think we found the replacement for sean spicer cheers and applause and congratulations, sir. So why isnt sessions answering . Well, the only possible reason would be that the president had invoked something called executive privilege, which usually prevents his aides from sharing details of their conversations with the president. But trump hasnt claimed executive privilege here, and sessions himself cannot claim executive privilege. So, whats happening . You said you dont have the power to assert the power of executive privilege. So what is the legal basis for your refusal to answer these questions . I am protecting the right of the president to exert it uh, assert it if he chooses. Stephen thats not a thing. laughter you cant just refuse to answer a question in case the president later decides he didnt want you to answer it. You cant just thats like saying, i invoke my constitutional right to the 28th amendment, which, of course, is not written yet, but it might be written one day. laughter and it might say that i dont have to answer your question, so i can go outside and play in the sprinklers. Whee cheers and applause wheee applause even though no one has ever heard of this nonprivilege privilege before, sessions claims its a department of justice policy. Just so i can understand, is the basis of that unwillingness to answer based on executive privilege, or what its longstanding policy of the department of justice not to comment on conversations that the attorney general has had with the president of the United States. Can you share those policies with us . Are they written down at the department of justice . I believe they are. Stephen yes, i believe theyre absolutely written down on paper. Totally unrelated question can i borrow a pen and some paper . laughter just for a minute. cheers and applause could i clear the room, please . Wheee applause funny thing, though, those answers didnt satisfy california senator and mom from a cereal ad, Kamala Harris. cheers and applause senator harris wanted to know the concrete details of sessions secret policy about secrets, and that did not sit well with other members of the committee. You referred to a long standing d. O. J. Policy. Can you tell us what policy it is youre talking about . The policy is based on the principle that the president sir, im not asking about the principle. Im asking if you im unable to answer the questions. You would rely on that policy. Did you not ask your staff to show you the policy that would be the basis for you refusing to answer the majority of questions that have been asked to you chairman, the witness should be allowed to answer the question. Senators will allow the chair to control the hearing. Senator harris, let him answer. Stephen yeah, come on, senator harris, if you just give the guy a minute to talk, im sure he can come up with a new reason why he cant answer. Ive got my antisenator force field up. And, also, the floor is lava laughter i yield the remainder of my time. Now, remember, this hearing was about russian interference in our elections. And Kamala Harris had a lot of questions. Well, let me change that. She had a lot of the first half of questions. Did you have any communication with any russian businessmen or any russian nationals . I dont believe i had any conversation with russian businessmen or russian nationals. Are you aware of communica although a lot of people were at the convention, its conceivable that somebody sir, sir i have just a few ques well, you let me qualify it. If i dont qualify it, youll accuse me of lying, so i need to be correct as best i can. I do want you to be honest. Im not able to be rushed this fast. It makes me nervous. Stephen yes. Jeff sessions doesnt respond to being rushed. In fact, its the only kind of rushin he wont engage with. laughter cheers and applause wheee wheee but according to former trump advisor and goatee host organism, jason miller, theres a perfectly reasonable explanation for why harris kept getting interrupted. He came out with a surprising amount of vinegar and, fire in his belly today with some of his answers. He knocked away some of the hysteria from Kamala Harris. How was senator harris hysterical . I think she asked a lot of questions. She was very dogged, there was no question, but i wouldnt say she was anymore dogged than ron wyden, would you say that . Uh, look my my opinion on that is i think she was hysterical. Stephen really . Really . If anyone was hysterical, maybe it was the old question saying that her questions were scaring him. Oh, have you no shame, senator harris . How many verbs is this sentence going to have by the time youre done . Your dangling participles are coming at me like a viper in the night. I do declare this aggressive line of questioning. I have the vapors. Beauregard, bring me a fainting couch and a mint julep laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause trevor noah is here. But when we return, the return of russia. Stick around whee [ ] [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] oh, my love my darlin ive hungered for your touch papa, hola ive hungered for your touch no, no no, no no no ill be coming home, wait for me im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. Are ywith an old computer . Rform thats like lebron. Trying to perform with old equipment. Ooh. Well that is not what the fans signed up to see. Is outdated Equipment Holding you back . Upgrade your game to intels fastest processor. You should probably upgrade those, too. When itrust the brandtburn, doctors trust. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day, all night protection. When it comes to heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. cheers and applause stephen welcome back welcome back, everybody. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human right over there cheers and applause jon hey stephen i dont often see a tie. Looking very fresh. Jon i like the tie. Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen thanks, everybody. Ill take a second chanting, im not proud. Now, folks, before the commercial break, i was standing over there with the legs, and i was talking about attorney general Jeff Sessions not answering questions at his hearing yesterday. He was being vewwy, vewwy quiet. laughter uhhuh. But he did its an easy change, isnt it . laughter but he did answer this one question from maine senator angus king. Do you believe the russians interfered with the 2016 elections . It appears so. The Intelligence Community seems to be united in that, but i have to tell you, senator king, i know nothing but what ive read in the paper. Stephen so, the top criminal investigator in the United States gets his intel from newspapers . I will say to you, senator, i do not think we should investigate russia because my horoscope here says its a bad time for capricorns to start new projects. All right . My moon is in aries right now. cheers and applause but senator king kept going. There was a memorandum from the Intelligence Community on october 9th that detailed what the russians were doing after the election, before the inauguration. You never sought any information about this rather dramatic attack on our country . No. Never . Stephen yeah, just never thought to ask about it. Its all explained in his childrens book, not curious jeff. laughter i think, i think our leaders maybe should take a little interest here. Vladimir putin has. In fact, we just learned that russias attempts to hack the election were far more widespread than we thought, including hacking into voter databases and software systems, in 39 states. Thats right, 39. That means in 2016, the russians had higher voter turnout than we did. laughter in illinois alone, the hackers got access to a database including names, dates of birth, genders, drivers licenses, and partial Social Security numbers on 15 million people. Which explains why so Many Americans suddenly got pay accounts on sturgeongirlsex party. Ru. laughter nobody, nobody its a quality site. Nobody knows nobody knows exactly what russia planned to do with the information, but the Obama Administration believed they might delete voter registration, slow down vote tallying, or suppress votes in lowincome neighborhoods with short poll hours and voter i. D. Requirements. Wait, im sorry. That last one was north carolina. The point is my apologies to russia. The point is the threat from the russians is real and its not going away, and we need to fight it. Its in everyones interest. Because while russians appear to have favored trump in the last election, next time they could throw their support behind the democratic nominee putin in a pantsuit. laughter well be right back with our friend trevor noah. Stick around. cheers and applause grooves in your sandwich . Do you always put cheezit of course theyre chips. Chips. Plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Ooooh. Dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. Cheezit grooves. Chips made with 100 real cheese. 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Get 4 rooms with hd, dvr, and every box included for 25 a month. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Its my dale call. [engine revving sounds] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show. Folks, i greatly admire the work of our first guest tonight. He hosts the daily show every night on comedy central. Please welcome trevor noah cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Far too kind. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen good to see you. Good to see you. I just want to say since the last time ive had you on here, last september or something. Thats right. Stephen you have written and released a book called born a crime. I did, indeed. Stephen all right, im angry that you have time to do that. laughter or the energy, really. Because i just go home at night and they put me in amniotic fluid so im ready for the show the next night. Where you find the strength, i dont know. The thing is, you have an hour show, and i have a half hour, so. So with the other half hour i do things. You also have a family. Im alone. laughter stephen thats true. Thats true. Yeah. But you travel all over the world. Youve got to be exhausted on a certain level. You know what, i find i get my energy from doing the things that i love. Its actually something i learned from you. I dont know if you remember saying this. You said, when creating the show, Stephen Colbert said like hes not here he said, the joy of the show is not oftentimes in performing it. The joy is derived from creating it, and then what youre watching is a manifestation of that joy. Stephen you show the audience what we all got to do together. Exactly. I find if you do what you love and i know its hard in this world if you do the thing you love you dont get tired. You get tired because of the challenge. But you dont get mentally and emotionally tired. You just go, man, that was a nice day. I did everything i love. Imagine doing something you loved until you got tired. That sounded wrong, but you know what im saying. laughter stephen it sounded very right to me. Of course, there are days like today, where shows like mine and shows like yours, we talk about what has happened in the day, and today there was another there was another horrific shooting in america, this time targeting, apparently, g. O. P. Members of congress. Right. Stephen do you have any thoughts on what happened today . You know, i think what you said, similar to what i had as an initial thought especially because we watch the news so much and that was it was great to see people from both sides seeing this and uniting under the banner of human and american before anything else. Thats one of the things that were seeing less and less of in society today, it feels like. Its almost something i was talking to senator al franken, and i was saying to him, like a lot of people didnt know that he was friends with Jeff Sessions before the whole, you know, testimony. And i think thats something thats lacking in american politics, is politicians showing, from both sides of the aisle, that they are friends. Its almost become like wrestling, where the fans dont realize that those people get along. applause those people fight every single day, but, like paul ryan said today, like nancy pelosi said, they said, we fight tooth and nail, but we dont forget that we are people. We are friends, we are families, we are colleagues. And i feel like they could do a better job of saying that to americans, going hey, we fight. You can fight. But dont forget at your core, you are americans. Dont ever forget that. cheers and applause stephen well, thats absolutely thats absolutely right. But that also reminds me that how long have you been in the United States . How long have you been living here full time now . I mean, this is my second time living here. I left just to practice leaving before donald trump said so. And then i laughter so i lived on the west coast for two years. And then i left the United States and went to work in the world, and then ive been living here, i guess its close to three years. Stephen so five years all together. Are you an american citizen yet . No, no, no, not allowed to be. Stephen not allowed to be . Well, not yet. Stephen are we playing hard to get . No, no, no, its just time. I get it. With an immigrant theyre like we want to see where this is going and figure out are you really into us or not . Lets go slow. And i get it. I get it. Stephen i guess thats the question. Are you really into us, trevor noah . After three years here and every night talking about whats going on in america, and americas relationship with the world, do you still find us attractive . Im here and im loving it. You know . Im a citizen of the world, and ive always loved the United States. Stephen you cant actually be a citizen of the world. The world does not issue a passport. Surprisingly it does. There is a world passport. It doesnt get you anywhere, but there is actually a world passport. Stephen it gets you to a phish concert. laughter its tiedye. Honestly, my dream was to live in the u. S. Mostly because this was the home of standup. And i live that dream every day. And im blessed. I get to live in new york city. Like, when people go, which country do you live in . I go, i live in new york. Its not a country, its a place. And if you know new york, you know what im talk about. cheers and applause its a world unto itself. Stephen every language spoken here, every religion practiced here. So, you know, i dont take that for granted. I mean, i wait to see lets put it this way if america is around when i can become a citizen, then maybe well see if i join in. Stephen i hope so. We dont know. We dont know. Maybe ill be inviting you to south africa. You never know. Stephen okay, ive been to south africa, not to the cities but ive done like, you know, the United States, you know, western man thing. Ive gone and done the safari that is the cities, that is the cities. laughter stephen you ought to get some of those lions out of your cities, then. Does south africa have anyone, or have they ever had anybody like our president . Because wow. Stephen weve weve never had a donald trump before, so we dont know entirely what to do with him. laughter because he seems to break a mold. He breaks a lot of norms for us. Yes, he does. Stephen has south africa had one . Look, its tough. Donald trump is so different that i dont know that i can definitively say that weve had or not had a donald trump. He reminds me of african dictators, but i dont know for certain if weve had one stephen in what way . Well, i mean, ive said many times like, you know, he loves himself. He believes that only he can fix the problems. He speaks in the third person. He i mean, hes the first african dictator to use twitter, which is the millennial coming out. But have we had let me put it this way i dont know for certain. I will say this, this is my president. So, my president is currently embroiled in a scandal where his family has been using their ties to the presidency to make money. Um, so i dont know if that rings a bell. laughter let me see, what else . What else . Um. Oh, he had a few issues before he became president with Sexual Harassment and no, okay. Let me think. laughter hes friends with vladimir putin. Thats different no, no. I dont know. You tell me, stephen. Stephen ill trade you. laughter applause just to try. We should do that, right . Stephen like swapping. We should do a president swap. Stephen yeah. We should do a president swap. I will say this now, imagine donald trump and if he was black. Hmm . Stephen hes hes a man of color . Is that what you were going to say . Stephen yes. laughter you can say it. Stephen i wasnt sure. You can say it before i can, my friend. Okay, the daily show is doing Something Interesting this weekend you do Something Interesting every day but youre actually doing something on the weekend. What is it you are doing . Explain to the good people here in manhattan. So, heres the thing. I mean, a lot of people go as the daily show you hate on donald trump, and i dont believe that we do, but i did feel there was something we could do for the president in and around his birthday. We thought, there has been a concerted effort by people, especially within the administration, to silence the president s tweets. We know about this, kellyanne conway, sean spicer, they go, ignore the tweets. And i dont think thats cool. Say what you want about his president ing, hes the king of twitter. He rocks it. You cant hate on donald trump when it comes to twitter, so we decided to have a twitter president ial library that honors donald j. Trumps tweets. I know, normally, normally applause yeah, thank you, thank you very much. You know, normally, i know in america, you have the president ial library when the person leaves office. We dont know when that will be. laughter stephen or ever. You dont know. So appreciate the person while theyre still around. Stephen where is it . How can i see it . Its actually a block away from trump tower. Its going to be on 3 west 57th street. So he can, like, just pop out, and then yeah, just like you know. Stephen are there any displays . It will be everything. The Twitter Library will give you context, what the tweets are about, it tells you the story. Hes an amazing man when it comes to twitter. Like, if he was running for twitter president , i would say everyone should vote for him, everyone. Stephen are they organized by subject . Are they organized by hashtags . As much as we could. Stephen yeah . The only subject thats consistent is sad. laughter thats the only thing. Stephen there is the sad hall of fame. Sad hall of fame, thats about it. applause stephen very nice. You said you you know, you came, you love new york because new york is the home of stand up. You still do standup on the weekend. Not just in the United States. But around the world. You fly. How do you find the time and how do you have any jokes left after doing a week of jokes on the daily show . I find the jokes from stand up and bring them to the daily show. So, i love touring in the u. S. , because i love seeing the United States. So if i talk about nashville or make a joke about el paso, texas, or i Say Something about erie, pennsylvania, i like to know that i was there. Because id never see it otherwise. Ive been to 45 states now. Ive been to hundreds of u. S. Cities. Im trying to see as many as possible. I saw maralago in person because of standup. I never would have gone to west palm beach, florida. But i did. They wouldnt let me in, but i went to maralago. Stephen i heard it is very nice. Ive heard it is very nice, but i got there and i said, can i come in . And the guy, he was very sweet but he said, its for members only. And i said, im the host and he said, we know who you are. laughter stephen we all know who you are. We know. Like security knows who you are. Stephen well, have a good show tonight. Nice to see you. Thank you again for having me. cheers and applause stephen his book, born a crime, is available now. Trevor noah, everybody well be right back with ilana glazer. cheers and applause when i feel controlled by frequent, unpredictable abdominal pain or discomfort and diarrhea. I tried Lifestyle Changes and overthecounter treatments, but my symptoms keep coming back. It turns out i have Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, or ibsd. A condition thats really frustrating. Thats why i talked to my doctor about viberzi. A different way to treat ibsd. Viberzi is a Prescription Medication you take every day that helps proactively manage both abdominal pain and diarrhea at the same time. So i can stay ahead of my symptoms. Viberzi can cause new or worsening abdominal pain. 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Jess, come on, just do some cocaine jeez sorry, i did a little bit of it. laughter stephen please welcome ilana glazer. cheers and applause hey hey. Stephen nice to see you. You, too. Stephen now, does abbey know that were hanging out tonight . She does. Stephen is she okay with it . She says hi. Yes, for whoever of us gets to see you, were very happy. Stephen good, okay with seeing other people. Yeah. Stephen all right, last time you were here it was the two of you, and our good friend doris kearns goodwin, okay, and this was during the Convention Last summer ,before in the before times as i call them. laughter yeah, yup. Stephen do you have any memories of that night . How has the world changed for you . I was talking about it on our ride here because i couldnt believe the last time that we had been here, i could not believe it. Stephen was it during the republican or democratic convention, do you remember . I think it was the d. N. C. But we met doris stephen who is wonderful. Yes, and she was so lovely, and we said, doris, do you think theres any chance that he could win . And she was like, not a chance. Not a country that, you know, is built on slavery, but has elected obama. Our country is not is not going to vote for that guy. laughter stephen ive always said she does not know what shes talking about. laughter shes an idiot. Shes an idiot. Stephen yeah. Apologies to doris kearns goodwin, obviously, but dumb, dumb lady. She has, like, studied all of it, and knows the patterns. And i think there was a glitch in the system. Because when she said it i believed that she was right. Stephen so, broad city season four starts when . Starts august . Yes. Stephen august of this year . Yup. cheers and applause stephen you guys made a little bit of political comedy news in the last couple of days because youre doing Something Special this season with well, with our president. What is it . Yes. We are bleeping his last name, president bleep. He gets enough air time as it is, and, you know, its in the world, it would be better not to hear his name. cheers and applause stephen now, its going to make it sound you could actually say anything you want in that moment. You thats right. Stephen and people would know what you were saying. You could say youre saying trump but you could say anything. Right, thats true. And i usually go with drumpf, so. Thats his real last name, so. Stephen youve had so many guest stars on that show, is there a particular guest star you have had over the years that has been most exciting to you . I mean, when we had hillary clinton, it was stephen i remember her. laughter do you remember . Stephen nice lady, nice lady. Really nice. Stephen she works for the National Park service now, i think. laughter really, really qualified. Stephen yeah. Yeah, she was brilliant. And that was incredible to meet her. That was crazy. Since since weve been watching all this, you know, fake news and whatever, real news and the president. And anticipating coming here tonight, i had been thinking, stephen, that you are really a model white man. Youre a really stephen i am the picture in the dictionary next to white man, i think. laughter they dont get much whiter than me. You are the good version of one. Because our president , almost the number one white guy in america because hes the president. But im also like, Stephen Colbert is. Youve just been revealing yourself to us over the years in a way. Ive been watching strangers with candy lately, and youve just been revealing yourself. Stephen that was a character i was playing on that show. And he was very disturbed, but thank you very much. Thats what i mean. He was like you were so young in it and like pretty. laughter stephen well, thanks for stopping by piano riff you were so but you were you were less stephen i was thin, too. Youre thin but you were less you were less attractive of a person because you you and sedaris, you guys were being grotesque in it, and you were not being yourselves. And just over the years you have become this real version of yourself, or whatever, as real as you are. And its really its i think i hope that the president watches this show and learns from you. Stephen im sure he does. laughter now, you are directing now. That is a big step. To go from writer, performer, to director. Why did you want to do it . And are you power mad . laughter i am i am power crazy. I have been, like, just slapping p. A. s asses. Weve been hiking up the Sexual Assault bills for comedy central. But, yeah, it was you know, it actually was more efficient for us to direct because all these conversations end up with us anyway, so it eliminated many email chains that we would be c. C. d on anyway, and be answering all these questions. It really condensed the work. But it sort of made gray hair grow out of my body, also. laughter stephen now, the movie rough night that youre in, its you, scarlett johansson, gillian bell, kate mckinnon, zoe kravitz. Its a female cast, directed and written by women. Its the first r rated wide release comedy directed by a woman in 20 years, or Something Like that. What was it like to make how did you guys bond so quickly together . We did a lot of bits on set. I had one that was pretty gross. Zoe is so obscenely beautiful, that we were like who would be the most beautiful person zoe could have a baby with . And its, obviously, jaden smith. laughter because hes stephen very handsome young man. A pretty beautiful young man. And we were saying wouldnt it be amazing if jaden and zoe had a baby and the baby turned out ugly . laughter so my character is i didnt name him jingo smith, jingo smithkravitz, and he talks like this. lisping he really makes up for a lot of his looks in personality. Stephen did jaden know you did this . Because he might want to tweet about it. No, jaden doesnt know who i am. Hi jaden smith. Hello stephen nice to see you again. Thanks so much. Stephen my best to everyone in the broad city family. Rough night is in theaters this friday. Ilana glazer, everybody. cheers and applause well be right back with veeps sam richardson. Stick around. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. When you you act fast. Er, boo. So do we. 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Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Except for every ladies night. Vegetarian. Only glad has forceflex to prevent rips, leaks, and punctures. So whatever you throw in the bag. Stays in the bag. Be happy, its glad. Its my dale call. [engine revving sounds] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. Folks, my next guest stars as the pathologically happy chief of staff, richard splett, on veep. You just go in the room and fill it. Ive never shook the devils hand. You mean masturbate . Does it hurt . Oh, no, richard. How is that possible . Really . My family and i were also pretty religious. Grandma said selfpleasure was a sin, like microwaves for laughter. I feel like he has a really good heart. Im sorry, im still not understanding how the cup comes into play. Stephen please welcome sam richardson. cheers and applause nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you. Stephen i am a huge fan of your work, of this show, but your character you play on the show, richard t. Splett, i dont know why i said t. , your middle name is john. John, yeah. John, yeah. laughs Stephen Richard t. Splett is a great, unbelievably optimistic, cheerful character, who doesnt seem to understand that everything is going wrong around him. Right, like hes just got this buoyant, like, Energy Around him, like every negative thing is like water on a ducks back you know . Hes just positive. Like, a consummate optimist. Stephen is that what youre like in real life . Are you half Glass Half Full . Part of me is. Theres a lot of me that i think i think some of me is in richard. And then, like so, like, with richard, is like a little nerdy and positive. I think im pretty positive. But like when richard i do get offended when somebody insults me. So thats different than him. But, like stephen he doesnt understand when someone insults him. Its just not in his vocabulary. He doesnt understand a world view of someone who would insult someone else, which is odd on that show because its filled with the greatest insults of any show ever on television. Thats the currency of that show. Richard doesnt get to do those. When richard will do something nerdy, like when richard will like correct somebody like on a comic book reference or a harry potter reference, thats sam richardson, 100 . Like, the other day somebody was like, you know, all chubby people are from hufflepuff. And i was like, no. Slughorn was the head of slytherin. So it doesnt make sense. So, that part of me is very much like richard. Stephen you and i have something in common. We were both members of the second city in chicago. Yes. Stephen you in detroit and then in chicago. cheers and applause its a tremendous place. Its great place to work and succeed and fail because the audience there are forgiving because youre doing improv a lot of the times. Right, its live and you cant recreate improv. Even if you watch it on on film or, like, taped, it will never be the same as it is live because everybody is on this high wire like what are they going to say next . Thank god they said something. You know . Stephen yes, and the audience is drunk there. And theyre drunk. Which is the main thing about comedy, be drunk. Stephen sure, we tried to get a Liquor License for these people and cbs didnt want it. laughter i see a few brown paper bags. Stephen did you understudy when you work at second city, its kind of like a rep system. I understudied people before me. Like, sketches from the late 50s i was doing. You know, alan arkin sketches. Did you do anything that i did . I did. I did a scene of yours called maya. Stephen oh, in which im an old black woman. An old black lady. Stephen looking just like this. Exactly. Stephen and talking just like this, but the reality of the scene is that i also happened to be an old black woman. You and steve carell, and theyre going to your home town you just say right before, oh, by the way, here im an old black lady. And its like, what all these people come up and are like, shirley wentworth, how are you . Stephen thats my characters name, shirley wentworth. Who do you play . I play the gentleman suitor who was really sad to see you go. Stephen oh, because he and i could never be together because the town wouldnt accept our love. Yes, exactly. Stephen right, and we kiss in it. There was a gentle sweet kiss. Really sweet kiss. Stephen and the more sincere it was, the funnier it is. Exactly. It was a real teardown great scene. Some audiences would love it. But we would tour that scene stephen around the country. Around the country. And sometimes youd be a little bit deeper into the country and that part of the scene would be like, no. I wasnt sure if it was an idea of two men kissing or a black man and a white man kissing. I didnt ask them what their problem with it was. Stephen there werent comment cards . Excuse me and everybody raises their hands. No, i didnt open that door. Stephen you grew up in detroit, right . I did. I grew up between detroit and ghana, west africa. My mother is from ghana. My father is from detroit. Stephen whats the capitol . Akra. Stephen akra, ghana. How much of your childhood, how did you split it . I used to go back and forth. Like, i would spend summers in ghana. And sometimes twice a year, and be there maybe four months a year. Stephen what was it like to, like, to be splitting your childhood like that in two Different Countries . I would kind of, like, never get like, i was kind of a man out of place in both worlds. Like, in detroit, my family would make fun of me. Theyd be like, oh, sam, you say mum, mum. I would say mum, and waste bin, and strawberry a little bit of an accent. Its gone now beaten out of me. But in ghana, they would make fun of me, theyd be like, sam, im thirsty. I want a glass of that clear liquid. Whats it called . And i would say, water . And theyd say, water its water, sam, stupid. laughter stephen sounds like a happy childhood, sam. Yeah. All laughs. applause stephen well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen nice to see you. cheers and applause veep airs sundays on hbo. Sam richardson, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause if youve got a life, you gotta swiffer cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thats it for the late show. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside vegan macisaaacs garage in detroit, give it up for your host, the