Heads. Johnny carson. [ laughter ] no. We have all right, how bout this . Steve stallone and sylvester martin. [ applause ] steve martin and Sylvester Stallone are here well be back, in just moment. [ music ] thank you no, no. [ music ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] oh. If you just joined us you missed a great monologue. Thank you. Weve got Sylvester Stallone and steve martin with us, tonight. I saw rocky iii, last ni good picture. He did it again, by golly. Well, as you know, this is the time o year the past yes. Before you do that oh, yeah, ive got somethin i wanna mention. Doc and i have something that we should mention. Yeah. Excuse me. Uh, doc is gonna be, uh, leaving town, tonight. Uh [ some applause ] [ laughter ] and just in time [ chuckling ] by popular request. No, hes, uh [ some laughter ] doc is going to be appearing, uh, saturday which is tomorrow may 22nd, with the charleston West Virginia symphony, uh, tomorrow af is that afternoon or evening, in the evening. [ some laugher ] but wait, i better check with tom. [ chuckling ] uh, thats tomorrow. And, in lexington, kentucky, he will be at the university of kentucky, with his, uh, group, uh, zebron, on monday, may 24th. [ applause ] thats the jazz group. That should be fun. Thatll be a good trip. And youve got a trip, comin up. Yes. Im doing a little, uh, moonlighting. One of your other scouts is out, on tuesday night. You and tim conway. Yeah, were hosting a show you know, a lotta the shows are called special. Yeah. This is special. Oh . Because it is the study of commercials, for the last 30 years. And it really is studying us. Its like our morays, how the times have changed, how our styles have changed. I see. Its interesting. Very lovely show. Thank you, very much. Im very pleased with it. So, look in, tuesday night, 10 00. What . Over most of the same stages. Is it on this network . Yes, it is. Good. Okay. Yes. I wouldnt give a plug like that, for another network. Well, speaking of television and we just were yes. If you were paying attention. [ some laughter ] lottalotta shows, have been popular, left you know, barney miller, be back. Uh, uh, what are some of the other shows thatve m a s h is ending. M a s h. Finished, after 10 years. Its too bad, cause a lotta those were very, very good shows. And this is the time o year that the networks have already announced their shows, for the programs, for the fall season. [ some laughter ] no, im gonna give you a sample. Ththese are on nbc, they have a show called night rider. Its a series about a champion of the underdog i love the publicity things. Mmm. A champion of the underdog, who fights crime, with a aid of a special, indestructible black car, the most incredible automobile ever invented. Mmm. Now, thats the premise. Theres a show called silver spoons, with ricky schroder. Stars as a lad, more mature, in years, than his rich but irresponsible father. We have a show called gavilan coming out, about a former cia operative who cant get dangerous living out of his system. A man who uses many gadgets to keep him out of trouble. The night that goes on, wont ya . Yeah. I wanna see that. [ laughter ] the power of matthew star. This is about a seemingly ordinary high school teenager, who is actually from another planet and possesses telekinetic powers. An bring em back alive. Now, remember right. Who that was . Frank buck. Based on the exploits of big game trapper frank buck. Uh, mama malone. Oh, thats on cbs. The bring em back alive. They also have mama malone. This is about theow who broadcasts an offbeat Television Cooking show, from the kitchen of her brooklyn apartment. [ some laughter ] lets see. They also have a show called, uh, the good witch of laurel canyon. [ some laughter ] a lighthearted drama about a pair of married private detectives, whose lives are complicated by her unpredictable psychic powers. Psychics are in, this year, i think. On abc. Ron glass, from barney miller. The odd couple. The new its called the new odd couple. Lets see. [ laughter ] heres one called star in the family, a comedy about an ambitious young pop singer and her crusty, softhearted father. Oh. [ some laughter ] notice that theyre always crusty or yeah. But vulnerable. Heres one, here brass monkey. Now, this one [ person applauding ] [ some laughter ] you know something about this show . Yeah. Do you really . Im gonna give you the premise of this show. Thisfr that they send out. Set in the south pacific. Its about a daring cargo pilot, who battles sinister nazis, a villainous but beautiful eurasian princess, and larsons rogues, with the help of his oneeyed dog and a gorgeous american spy. [ laughter ] mmm [ chuckling ] those are some of the programs you can a oneeyed dog somebody said [ chuckling ] oneeyed dog. Somebody said, hey harry, we havent used a oneeyeddog show, with an eyepatch. [ chuckling ] well, those are the shows that were considered good enough, by the network, to get on. You can imagine the shows that they saw that could not make it could not make it. For one reason or another. Im sure youve got a couple to tell us about. The producers of these unfortunate shows that didnt make it were kind enough to send us some publicity stills. [ some laughter ] and we may be able to explain why these shows were not selected to be seen, in the fall. If you watch the monitor [ chuckling ] youllyoull know, along with us. There was a special medical show, filmed right here filmed right here, at nbc, called dr. Tolmein nagucci, commissary coroner. [ laughter ] didnt get on. Didnt get on. Did not get on. There was a celebrity golf tournament, with a religious theme. [ laughter ] this was called thethe reverend moon open. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, barnum and bailey, who, you know, put on a show, every year, sponsored a threehour white paper report on a medical problem sweeping the circus world clown herpes. [ laughter ] didnt get on. Now, heres a show that just didnt have a chance. Was called fantasy outhouse. [ laughter ] d, in this very opening episode, mr. Rourkes secret fantasy comes true, a lumberjacks mens room. [ laughter ] and that they thought that was bad taste. From the makers of the streets of San Francisco comes the streets of san juan capistrano. [ laughter ] about two detectives who try not to get their hats soiled, when the swallows return. [ laughter ] somebody saw no this was probably the worst. Possibly most boring new drama bad shaver. [ laughter ] didnt get on. Tried to make a show, outta that. [ some laughter ] now, this ya know, Lawrence Welk went off, after these low these many years, and this show was supposed to appeal to Laurence Welk fans. Its a musical show, featuring maestro chubby florin, who sits in a bathtub filled with flat champagne and makes his own bubbles. [ laughter ] [ some booing ] i know. I agree with you youre absolutely right. And thats why it didnt get on when that was presented, people went, oh, no oh, no. Now, heres a sundaymorning religious show that didnt come close, hosthosted by this man, the reverend ernst areacode, [ some laughter ] who believes that, from anywhere in the continental united states, for less than three fiftyfive on weekends, you can dial god, direct. [ laughter ] they said no, to that. And so did you. Marcus winsus, dummy doctor. [ laughter ] dummy doctor. Thats right. From the producers of little house on the prairie comes a more adult drama little hooker on the tenspeed. [ laughter ] [ applause ] didnt make it. Didnt make it. This was probably the worst sitcom ever made, about a bachelor luncheonette owner who has a very unusual mom. Its called my mother [ some laughter ] i knew this was going to get absolutely nothing. And you were right. This was a madefortelevision movie, very loosely adapted from the classic movie how green was my valley, about a water skiing cow uh, cowboy and his horse, called how wet was my gelding. [ laughter ] this was a spin off of the miniseries inside the thd reh. Remember when that was on, last week . Mmmhmm. Called inside the third booth. [ some laughter ] phone pervert rudolph mess. [ some laughter ] here, in this, uh in this picture, here [ chuckling ] i cant even read the rest of this. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i cant. That is some [ cheering ] no. Well be back, in just a moment. [ music ] okay, my first guest, tonight [ cheering ] you seen rocky you saw rocky i, didnt you . One and two, yes. One and two. Well, rocky iii is out, now, and done by a [ some cheering ] very accomplished actor, writer, director. Would you welcome Sylvester Stallone . [ cheering ] [ applause ] i know. Hes not expecting this. Dont tell me this is rocky iv. No. [ laughter ] he just thinks that every day i go to work, i always come home with bloody noses and bruises, and he wanna know who does it. And i said him. [ laughter ] is this your is your boy . Yeah. Yeah. Hi whats his name. This is sage. Hi, sage. How are ya . Fine. Nice to meet you. You didnt know where your dad went, when he went to work. No. So, say goodbye, sage. [ laughter ] see ya later, sage. [ chuckling ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ laughter ] i wish someone had done that to me. [ chuckling ] yeah nobody ever did that, at your age . Took ya out in public and said, hey. Heresheres my kid, right . Yeah. How old is he . About, uh six . Hes about six years old, goodlookin boy. Yeah, hes fine. Fine kid. Does he go to see, uh uh. The pictures . Is he too young to understand, uh to separate the reality, from, uh he was, up until about a year ago. Truthfully, hehe thought i was a fighter and a boxer, and i guess its because my wife is always beatin up on me, anyway, so its [ laughter ] it wasnt that much different. So, now, he has, uh hes much more interested in, uh, steve martin. He says, uh, theres a man sure. Im interested in. [ laughter ] that always figures when youre when youre a celebrity or a star, and you have your ki oh, sure. cause youre just dad, thats all. And thats the way it should be. I saw your movie, last night. I enjoyed it. Oh, thank you, very much. You got another winner, there. You really do. Well, i hope so. I really feel responsible for the third one t you know. Yeah. Its like living up to your two older brothers. Yeah. And handmedowns. You say, oh, i dont wanna go out there, do something thats embarrassing. So, a lotta people put a lotta work and love and i dont wanna sit there and get maudlin about this, but ii hope everyone likes it yeah. cause were very proud of it. Ill tell ya somethin. Youve gotta be, after making in hollywood. [ cheering ] cause every one of em they [ applause ] i mean youyou gotta go into training, not only in the scenes to film it, but you gotta be in shape, to do the s do the fight scenes. Well, the this fight is, uh, kinda like, uh, a metaphor for the way, i think, that people have to constantly be changing their lives, alter their philosophies, to stay one step ahead of the game. Right. So, what johnny is talking about in this fight, i lose about 30 pounds from the other rockys. Itsits quite different, visually. Right. And it took about 10 months, toto do all that and working out with professional bodybuilders, professional boxers, and professional torturers [ laughter ] you probably get this question im asking after all these scenes and doin all the work, from the gym training you think you could step in, with a oh, lets say a pretty good club fighter, now, and, uh funny you should ask that. Um yeah. Step in the ring. We im talkin about im talkin about champion, but a good club fighter. Well, i think, and will was in order no, le i lemme give you an example. Yeah. I thought, this time, wouldnt it be interesting to take a real fighter and bring him into the film cause ii need a new opponent, at the end and just teach him how to act, a littlelittle bit . Thatll save a lotta time. So, the first one is Earnie Shavers. [ chuckling ] now, Earnie Shavers is about i dunno 59 fights and about 56 knockouts. Well, i got into the ring, with him and you have to really begin to believe, you know, im pretty hot, you know. Uhhuh. [ some laughter ] okay. He hit me on the elbow, and knocked my wind out. [ laughter ] okay . Hit me here yeah. And got a concussion. [ laughter ] then, he got me in the corner youre not jokin. No. I s you know, ill tell you why. Years ago wwell come back. I didnt wanna years ago, the late Rocky Marciano was sitting, in new york and we were talkin about fighters and he used to hit guys, on the arm. Oh and, just from not covering up and what you just said would absolutely my arm it started, and then it and then yeah. Shakin. Then, he looked at me, and there was a certain voracious hunger, like i was a tbone steak, and [ some laughter ] he had he had been marooned, on an island, for years. And he proceeded to like 17 body punches, and ii and i said, do i what is that screechin, in the background . Its the producer, saying, save my boy [ laughter ] save my boy there goes my hes a professional fighter. Thats the only he knows how to but he was great. And he was great. And i thought he really hit so, i said, maybe ill go to someone a little easier. Joe frazier. [ some laughter ] true. Were in the ring, and were boxin. All of a sudden, i feel somethin warm. Thisthis cant be nerves. What is it . And i look up, and i say, either im bleeding, or someone has just dumped marmalade on my head. And what it was just a quick, little butt that was accidental, and, uh, i said here i am. One man beats me to death. Im bleeding. We havent g i havent passed the audition, yet, and im ready for traction. So, thats when so you decided maybe not to go with a professional heavyweight. No. And i so, we went out, and i found the fella, on tv, who was throwing midgets. [ laughter ] um. Now, you may have seen this guy. I knew who it was, when i heard the name. They call him mr. T, right . Mis yes. Uh, ii was really hung up on who to find, as an opponent, because i really believed that, in a any kinda combat, youre only as good as your competitio i needed someone who was really an interesting nemesis. And we looked around, and the uh, the casting director named rhonda young finally said, you should see this guy on television, mr. T. Hes throwing midgets, and hes breaking doors with his forehead. I said, this is my kind of man [ laughter ] i like him. Hes got style. And i looked, and he had a mohawk and eight earrings, and mmmhmm. And all the jewelry it looked like an explosion, atat cartier. Yeah. Its like boom, all so, he really is, uh is a godsend. Yeah. He really is. Hes fantastic. We gotta do a commercial. Were gonna come back and talk some more about it and other things. Then, we have a theres a wonderful sequence, in the thing, where you oh. With the for a charity match, within the framework of the story have a bout with a boxer uh, with a wrestler professional wrestler. Yes. And i think we have a Little Thunder lips. Thunder lips. Well take a break. Well be right back. [ applause ] [ applause ] we have returned. Thank you, doc. Okay. You, uh before we show the film clip, you shot part of this in philadelphia. Isnt it true that, when you were a teenager, you were, uh, you were expelled from a couple schools, in philadelphia. [ clearing throat ] yes, i was i heard that i was asked to asked to leave . Evacuate the hallway. Difficult time, trying to, um, adjust to school, in general. I dunno. It just seemed that, at that time i dunno how the school board conducts its business, today, but it seems as though you i was always forced into subjects that i felt didnt have any relevancy, like algebra and xmsg accelerated geometry. And i was just thinking, how do i get this hickey off my neck . [ some laughter ] i mean thethe two didnt seem to jive. Yeah. Uh, but i guess the priorities today havehave changed sorry. [ chuckling ] yeah. Uh, letslets show this little film clip. This is, uh whos the fella that you, uh you do this with . His name is hulk hogan. He is, uh, another fellow that i saw, one night, on television. I was lay had insomnia, and he came on, and he beat up four wrestlers, at the same time. And he was a giant. Hes about seven feet tall, about 350 pounds. And i thought, how interesting. If rocky were to have a charity match, everything was supposed to be nice and sweet, and theyre all out there, with their balloons. Kinda fake a show yeah, wed fake it. Well move here, well move there. And this man decides to show the world that hes gonna turn rocky into a little wet spot. Okay. Watch the monitors. Heres a little excerpt, from, uh, rocky iii. [ cheering ] slugger, from philadelphia. [ yelling ] better shut up break you in a half. How much do you think he eats . bout 202 pounds. Weighing 202 pounds, the reigning heavyweight champion of the world, rocky balboa [ cheering ] we love you, rocky rocky, rocky, rocky, rocky come on come to the center of the ring, please. Okay, come on, mickey. [ applause ] all right, you guys. You know this is for fun, and give em a good show. Listen, uh, after the match, how bout, uh, we get a polaroid together, okay . [ growling ] youre in trouble [ crowd reacting ] im gonna break you in half, like this seems like, lately, everybody wants to beat me up. Get balboa stay awake make faces pull around the ring got it, kid . All right. Heres the ring. I get nervous, every time he t [ bell ringing ] [ yelling ] whoaoaoa. You move pretty fast, for a big guy, ya know that . Listen, why dont we just move around, a little bit . You know, like, give em a good show. First, ill chase you, and you chase me , kay . Hows that . All right . Here we go. Okay . That hurt . All right. Hows that . Okay. Not bad, huh . [ applause ] thank you. Thank you, very much. Ill tell ya. [ applause ] tha [ chuckling ] that sequence goes on, for about three and a half or four minutes, and it really is funny. It really is hysterical. [ chuckling ] yes. Its easy, for you to say. Easy, for me [ laughter ] yeah. We oughta get that guy on a show. Whats his name . Uh, well, i never seen him before. Hulk hogan. Whew. Yeah, hes a youre in good shape, and then this comes out, and its like ya know. His dimensions, he his arms are 24 inches around. My thigh is 21. [ laughter ] okay . His chest is 62. Around the shoulders, hes close to 70 inches around. Thats a large thats a large person. Okay . I mean, his large person. His size is his neck is 23. [ laughter ] and he eats 510 italians. [ laughter ] were you hurt w d were you hurt, in anyany phase of makin caughtcaught one . Yes, your honor. Yeah. Yes oh, yes. Uh, usually, it was my fault. The, uh, hulk, here the only time he hurt me is when i when he would l theres a lotta falls that go on. Id leave my arm out, and id forget. And hed land on it. And then, id bring it back, and itit would be a postage stamp. [ laughter ] big pancake. But, with mr. T, in the end, i felt that, uh, thethe difficult thing is really since rocky i and ii the fights have been set up, in such a way in rocky iii . right. So, we decided to really let it loose, you know, last round. And what people will see, from the middle of the last round on, is its fullfledged. It looks wellwell done. Thank you. Yeah. Well done. Okay, well take a break. Mr. Martin will join us, shortly. [ applause ] right after this. Okay. I, uh i forgot to ask you one thing. Uh has your picture officially opened, yet, around the country . No, its next friday, the 28th. Nextnext friday. Because the gentleman whos coming out picture, i think, officially opens today, does it not . [ applause ] yeah. Uh. The picture is called dead men dont wear plaid. [ chuckling ] and heres steve martin. [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheering ] [ laughter ] look a little smug . Picture opened, today. Did it . [ cheering ] you know the feeling . Itll come. I have no idea how its doing. Its yeah. I know its funny. I know theyre laughter. Right. But, beyond that, i could care less [ laughter ] people ask ya how to get into show business, a lot . Do they . Oh, sure you get that, dontcha . Yeah, i get it, but i wont tell em. [ laughter ] therere too many of us in show business, now. Thats right. We have to weed people out. I think people think yeah. That we wont tell. Actually, there is a secret i figured this out to being a game show host. This is gonna change the f that what you wanna do . No, no. Its not what i wanna do, but i think, if people want to become one right. This is the secret. All you ha you dont have to have experience. You dont have to start small, in the business, and work your way up. Right. All you have to do is learn to laugh, when you talk. [ some laughter ] just what youre saying doesnt have to be funny. Right. Well, we have two contestants, [ chuckling ] so lets play the game [ laughter ] [ applause ] and, okay, who invented the sewing machine . [ laughter ] well be right back, after [ laughter ] oh thats right yeah. Youre absolutely right. You must and howshows your mother . Yeah, anything at all. Just keep talking. Yeah. Yeah. [ laughter ] ya know, i am really tired of being funny. Youre tired of being funny . Funny, all the time. Yeah. Ya know . Was backstage. I came in, early, and theyre dying. The crew is laughter and laughter, but yeah. Seems like, out here this is the one place where i dont have to be on, all the time. [ laughter ] you can just be you. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is the first time usually, when you do the tonight show, you get all excited, and youre really charged up, and, when its over, you just collapse. And this is the first time ive collapsed in the middle of a show. [ laughter ] i just timed it a little bit wrong. Yeah. [ laughter ] woke up a half hour early, this morning. Yeah, that sets your whole day off. Yeah. Oh, pretty good. Oh, what . [ laughter ] we, uh we had your, uh, writer cowriter or one o the writers and director on, carl reiner. Mr. Reiner. Yeah. Said nice things about the movie. Well, its you know, the mo i dont wanna i know you dont wanna talk about it see, i dont wanna cause you get embarrassed. Right. Let me plug it. [ chuckling ] no. I really did have you seen it . No, no. My brother saw it, at a screening. [ laughter ] and my brother is no, no. My brother thinks rocky is the worst film he ever saw, so hes really critical, okay . He really, really flipped, over your movie. Well. He did. [ applause ] [ cheering ] and it takes a lotta guts, thats right. I think thats good. [ laughter ] gimme the five. [ chuckling ] gimme the ten dollars. [ laughter ] i havent seen rocky iii, but i heard it was great. [ laughter ] [ applause ] wanna go steady . Now, my picture, dead men dont wear plaid you said that was good, too, then. Whatd you bring it in, for . Yeah. [ mumbling ] really . [ laughter ] dont wear boxing gloves . Well do a sequel together. Are you gonna stay, a while, or do you have to really just no, i mean he has to go . He mentioned, a while ago, hes got a plane, because hes out doin s i got a plane to catch. Oh, sure [ laughter ] sure. [ applause ] the old planetocatch ploy. The minute i come on oh, i have to leave. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] i knew this was gonna happen. I knew it. You can go. Go ahead. And we wont make fun of you, [ applause ] [ cheering ] just try and make me leave. [ chuckling ] okay, well take a break. Well be back, in just a moment. [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] were back, talking with steve martin, Sylvester Stallone. Now, i know i know this embarrasses you. Mmmhmm. But i me cause i remember when y we were talking about, uh, the jerk, or something, and you said, well, money wasnt important. No, i dont wanna i dont wanna talk about the money. Ill tell ya why. When you make a film, s have you noticed i havent really talked about the movie, tonight . Thats true. Because i think its a disgrace to come on a television show, and show a clip. [ laughter ] really bad. [ applause ] see, i make films, for art. For art [ laughter ] and i do it, for the fun of it. And, once i see it once i see it play, with an audience, i know that it works, i could care less the kind of money the picture makes. Right. [ phone ringing ] thats why i excuse me. [ laughter ] yeah. [ applause ] yeah, howd we do . [ chuckling ] oh, beauty. Beauty, beauty, beauty, beauty, beauty how bout buffalo . [ laughter ] thats good [ laughter ] hows the onesie, in albany . [ some laughter ] beauty. Okay, well take it back to ya. But as you were saying. Ill tell you what. And, see and, also, when you come on, to promote a film, you know the audience knows that youre only gonna show the good side or tell about and youre not gonna even if it does have weak parts which it does you know, youre not going to but the audience thinks, well, theyre just doing the best. So, i thought what id do is i would whisper the plot to you. Ah. And, that way, we can talk intelligently about the film, but it wont sound like a hype, to the audience. Sure. Okay . Or just very quickly. Okay. So, anyway. Yeah . The movies. [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] oh, yeah . And so, what happened, after that yeah . Is another guy comes out [ laughter ] [ applause ] thats funny. The funniest thing cause what he does [ laughter ] [ applause ] roll the clip roll the clip roll [ laughter ] roll that clip roll the clip. [ music ] mr. Altfeld . Totally housebroken. His name is ramon. Hes yours. Get out, thief. Im not stealing your daughter, mr. Altfeld just borrowing her, for an important case. Dont call me and my daughter again. Dont try to see her. And dont phone her. Can i use her underwear to make soup . [ laughter ] get out. Mr. Altfeld, its true that, by helping me, your daughters life is in danger. She may save hundreds of other lives. You wouldnt stand in the way of that, would you . Why, certainly, i would. Id frame you or kill you, if it would protect my daughter. And i brought you a puppy. Something you never had, as a boy. Now, get out you dont deserve a puppy. Wait pick that up. [ laughter ] its all soft and steamy. Pick that up [ laughter ] youre a sick man, altfeld. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you can make me pick up dog dirt, but you cant stop me from seeing jimmy sue. Want a puppy . Id love a dog thank you heres something for you, too. [ laughter ] thank you [ laughter ] [ cheering ] [ music ] [ applause ] well, we just have aabout a minute, here. Well, both of ya look like you got a couple o good pictures, there. Really. Thats why we dress the same. Yes, i noticed that. Today. Yeah. It opened, today, and, hopefully, itll be around, for several more days. [ laughter ] and rocky iii opens, friday, around the country, right . Next week. Good. [ cheering] thank you, both, for bein here. Thank you. Sage . Nice to have ya here. Dya enjoy the show . [ chuckling ] uh, next week, weve got suzanne pleschette, johnny mathis, glen campbell, diane carol, uh, danny thomas, uh [ music ] lots of other people. Thank ya, again. Have a nice weekend [ applause ] [ cheering ] . Come and knock on our door . . Come and knock on our door . . Weve been waitin for you . . Weve been waitin for you . . Where the kisses are hers and hers and his . . Threes company, too . . Come and dance on our floor . . Come and dance on our floor . . Take a step that is new . . Take a step that is new . . Weve a lovable space that needs your face . . Threes company, too . . Down at our rendezvous . . Down at our rendezvous . Youre going to san diego . If i can borrow larrys car. Do you want to come with me . I would love to, but im supposed to work. Thats too bad. My mom thinks the only girls i know are emptyheaded playmates. What made her think that . When she met them. Anyway, shes always on my case to forget the looks and find a girl with brains. You are skating on thin ice, jack. Jack, janet youll never guess who i ran into today chrissy, you left the door open. Thats okay. My friend darlene is paying the taxicab driver. Youll never guess in a million years. Your friend darlene . Howd you guess . Whos darlene . I told you about her. I went to high school with her. Remember that girl i told you about who was always so miserable ver thought shed get anywhere . That was darlene . No, that was me. Darlene is the one who told me i had as much brains as anybody else and i better use them or lose them. So what did you do . I listened to her. Oh, darlene was always so smart. All the kids in school used to call her einstein. Oh, thats wonderful. Yeah. She was captain of the debating team and our class valedictorian. Gosh, chrissy, what did she do for fun . She sang in the church choir. She sang in the church choir. I cant wait to meet this one. Youre going to meet her real soon because shes going to be staying with us. What . shes supposed to be in town for a convention but the hotel lost her reservation. So you invited miss einstein to stay here. Well, its only for a few days. Its crowded enough with just the three of us. Its no big deal. She can sleep here on the sofa. Chrissy yeah. The sofa . I wont hear of it. Chrissys friend can stay in my room. Oh, hello. Whos that . I want you to meet my friends. This is janet and this is jack. How do you do . Chrissy, chrissy, chrissy. How come you never told us about darlene . Dont listen to him. Chrissy talks about you all the time. Especially about how you helped her. Has she told you how she helped me . Ver would have graduated with honors. I probably never would have cracked a book my whole senior year. What did she do . She stole all my boyfriends. laughing raucous laughing could i have my hand back . Im sorry. Im getting so forgetful. Excuse me. I warned you about jack. Come on, chrissy didnt i offer to let darlene use my room . Oh, no, i couldnt ask you to do that. Well, actually, its a rather large room so i thought. Jack. I thought that i would sleep on our friend, mr. Sofa. Right there. Why dont i go straighten up my room. I mean, your room. See what i mean . Yes, but you dont have to worry. Hes really quite harmless. Yeah, and hes funny. You should see some of the tricks he pulls on us. On Second Thought ill keep that in mind. Mmhmm. Isnt she terrific . Youre the one whos terrific. Why . If i ran into an Old High School friend dressed like that the gucci bag, romano boots, the dior blouse i would be green with envy. And youre not the slightest bit jealous. Is that really a gucci bag . raucous laughing you remember, darlene, if theres anything you want and im talking anything at all. Jack, you are very kind. Kind of nauseating. Darlene is there a telephone here that i could use . Oh, yeah. Its right over here. Oh, um, is that the only phone . How many do you need . No, chrissy. I think darlene means shed like a little privacy. Lets go heat up some coffee. Darlene, i will get the number for you. Nal. Oh, im sorry. Here you go. Oops. Hang on. Low bridge. You got it . Yeah. Thanks. Ill just. Put your suitcase in my. Sorry. Hello, doris. Hi, its darlene. I can be reached at 5556350. Are there any calls . Who . Fred jones . How come all the johns are always named jones . Yeah. How much . Are you kidding . Listen, doris, you tell him that if he wants me my price is 100, you got it . Great. Ill talk to you later. Are you free . What . I just, uh. I just thought you might like to go down to the regal beagle. The regal. . Its our pub. Now . Cure for jet lag is a little glass of vino. I dont know, jack. I havent had a chance to talk to chrissy. You guys will have plenty of time together. Well be back in 20 minutes. What do you say . Well. Good. Hey, where are you going . Uh, darlene wanted to see the regal beagle. Well, what about us . Youve seen it lots of times. So then. coughing janet and chrissy asked me to move in with them. And except for a few minor irritations everythings worked out perfectly. Oh. And theres nothing going on between you . No, thats one of the irritations. Say, darlene, how would you like to drive down to san diego with me tomorrow . San diego . Yes. See, its my mothers birthday and i was wondering. Wewewell. Hello there. Im larry jacks best friend, his buddy and his pal. Larry, get lost. See what i mean . Darlene, this is no friend of mine. Dont listen to him, darling. Thats darlene. Darlene what a lovely name. Whatever do you do, darlene . Dont you think thats a touch personal . Youre right. Ill wait until were alone. Hey, larry, knock it off. The bartender just told me this terrific joke. Seems this traveling salesman stopped by this farm house. Darlene doesnt want to hear any offcolor jokes. Gotcha. Seems this traveling minister stopped by this farm house. Larry, will you knock it off . I have to be going anyway. Im expecting a phone call. And not a moment too soon. Listen, darlene, ill walk you back. Oh, no, jack, stay. I can find my way back, really. Okay, well, what about san diego tomorrow . Oh, um, im going to have to let you know. Okay. Goodbye, larry. No, not goodbye. Until we meet again. Without jack. Serves you right. Move over. San diego, huh . You sure do move fast, pal. Larry. Hey, look, i know this nice quite rendezvous. Will you cool it . Shes not that kind of girl. Oh. As a matter of fact, she used to sing in a church choir. Thats no problem, jack. This place is way out on the beach. No one will hear her. Yeah, and all through High School English and my history and my algebra. Well, how nice. I helped her with the really important things. Yeah . Like what . I taught her how to say no. phone ringing chrissy . Chrissy . Fred jones . Huh . What do you mean, what do you get for 100 . Hey, is this one of those game show quizzes . Yeah. Huh . Well, what do you expect for 100 . What . Hey. Hey hey listen, fred, youre a creep i think thats for me. Hello, fred . Yes, this is darlene. No, no, that was a new girl. Fred. Fred, give me the number of your hotel room and ill meet you there after the party. Fine. Ill see you then. Bye. A. Call girl. Oh. I didnt mean to shake you up. Who, me . Why would you shake me up . Its none of my business. Then youre not going to tell chrissy . Who, me . Tell chri. Tell chrissy that someone shes been bragging about that she really likes is a. A. A. The matter . Cant you even say it . Not to chrissy. I dont think she could handle it. Mm. But you can. Oh, sure definitely. I mean, you know i feel that, well, youre old enough to know what youre doing so im not going to make any moral judgements. Thank you. If you want to throw your life down the gutter thats your business. Its just. Any guy . Yeah. What do you think i am . A hooker . nervous chuckle hooker, call girl, whats the difference . Hookers dont drive ferraris. Oh. Oh ohho you know, though chrissy said that you were real bright. You know, everybody called you einstein . Thats right. Well, couldnt you have found a better job . I mean, a girl with your brains. Is smart enough to know where the real money is. Id love to chat with you longer but i really have to get ready for work. So soon . I was hoping we could talk. I want to hear all about your job. Why dont you ask janet . Well . Well . were out of coffee. Im going down to furleys to get some. Cant you tell me first . No. Why . Because theres not much to tell because its not really much of a job. Yeah, but what about all those guccis and puccis . Well, yes, yes. She does make a lot of money. How . How . Uh. Huh. Well, see, chrissy you know how at big conventions a lot of men and theyre lonely and darlene just helps them relax. Yeah. Shes, uh, kind of a hostess. Oh, you mean like an Airline Stewardess yeah, like an Airline Stewardess. She gets around a lot. I mean, she does a lot of traveling. Really . Oh, really. Its a real hustle. Hassle real big hassle, chrissy. Okay. Wow you look beautiful. You think its too much, chrissy . Not for your job. What . Well, janet told me all about it. Oh, i didnt think shed say anything. Why . I think what you do is wonderful. You do . Yeah in fact, id like to take a try at it myself. What . i know it would take a while for me to get the hang of it but if you just let me watch you work i know i could do it. Um. Chrissy, i dont really think its for you. Hey, it cant be any more difficult than what im already doing in my own job. You ought to see some of the things my boss asks me to do. Especially when weve got outoftown buyers. I never would have believed it. At least you get paid for it. Chrissy, you sure have changed. Havent we all . sighs touche. Hey, darlene let me go with you tonight. I know i can do it. Well, i dont know, chrissy. If youre really serious. I am i am lets go, okay . Okay. Whoa, hey whats the hurry . We cant talk, jack. We have to go to work. Darlenes taking me to the convention. Have fun. Darlene, are we on for tomorrow . D to it, jack. Yes. And im looking forward to it, jack. falsetto squeak ah . I want a girl . . Just like the girl . . Who married dear old dad. . Hi, mom this is jack. No, i wasnt crying, mother. Im coming down to see you. Yeah, yeah. And im bringing someone special. Her name is darlene. glass breaking shes the kind of girl youve always wanted me to bring home. Shes a kind of smalltown girl very sweet and very. Safe . Very nice. In fact shes a lot like you. Listen, mom. I dont want to sell her to you over the phone. Youll be able to judge her tomorrow. Ill see you later i gotta go bye you mind explaining yourself . Was it so important that it couldnt wait . Darlene is a hundreddollar anight call girl. I dont care when a guys talking to his mother. a call girl thats right she cant be i mean, miss einstein. So . Shes a smart call girl. I dont believe it believe it, jack. She told me so herself ready know shes about to find out. What do you mean . She went off to work with darlene what . they left two minutes ago ah ooh we have to go get her wait, janet, wait. What are we getting so excited about . Chrissys not about to do anything crazy. Right. Shes a sweet, nice, innocent girl which is exactly what those guys at the convention are looking for. You get larrys car, ill get my purse. Lets go. Oh. And janet, grab my jacket. Larry, just in time. Darlenes a call girl. Run that by me again. Shes a hundreddollar anight call girl. Theres no time to explain please, larry. I need your help. Gee, id love to, jack but im down hi oh is anybody here lonely . Yeah yeah yeah you, uh. Think you can help us out . Well, thats what im here for. Oh, then youre working here tonight. Well, yes and no. Paid. Youre not . No. This is my first time. Have some champagne. Yeah thanks. Where is she . I dont see her. Jack, please. Calm down. I am calm yelps i, uh. Im sorry, miss. I seem to have lost my nametag. You dont need a nametag, mr. Swackhammer. Oh, thank you. Follow me. Excuse me, miss. M sorry, but you cant get in without one. You let that guy in. Mr. Swackhammer . Hes chairman of the board. slurring Wonderful Party oh, great, having fun, buddy . Just great how about you . Im fine. Uh, listen why dont we step outside for a breath of fresh air . Jack . Jack. clears throat jack nervous chuckle what do you know . I didnt leave it upstairs after all. Oh, go right in, mr. Blake. Mr. Who . Jack, there she is. Oh, good. Hi, there. Hi. Can i help you . Im looking for a girl. You certainly came to the right place. Mercy. Pardon me, miss but have you seen my wife . No. Good ill buy you a drink. Are you here to have fun or to find chrissy . What . There she is. Ve been waiting to meet you uh. Top vicepresident of sales thats me. And the biggest phony of the bunch what . wouldnt even answer my phone calls now, what the hell happened to that shipment i ordered . Shipment . Oh, oh tomorrow your shipment will come in or my names not. Uh. Uh, charlie blake. It better be there. You got it. Are you here to make business deals or to save chrissy . Cut it out, janet oh, look look, jack there she is e winner is. Room 104. Thats my room haha lets go. Where are we going . Nowhere come here, chrissy. Games over, mister. Now, wait a minute, buddy. Youre not taking her anywhere. Hang on, hang on. Hey, its not for me. Mr. Swackhammer sent for her. Swackhammer . what are you guys doing here . Chrissy, come on you have to. Its past your bedtime. Thats why im sorry we didnt get to see your mother. Uh, yeah, well. Its too bad she got bitten by that old flu bug. I though it was arthritis. Oh, yeah. Well, thats where it bit her in her arthritis. Janet darlene darlene, your cabs down there. Here you go. Dont you think i should wait and say goodbye to chrissy . No. Shes going to be gone for a very long time. When she goes shopping, shes off for hours and hours. Yeah. Hi. My, how time flies. Oh, im so glad i got to see you before you left. You really have to move into the hotel . U to know i really had a good time last night. Everyone was so friendly. Friendly. Isnt she priceless . Yes, she is, and shes going to stay that way. horn honks oh, well. Its time to go. Well, goodbye. Have a good time at the convention. Chrissy. Yeah. Bye. Oh. Poor darlene. She does . Oh, come on she may have fooled you two, but she didnt fool me. She didnt . No shes not really happy doing what shes doing. Shes not . Well, of course not. Two, three. Is this really supposed to make you feel better . Come on mrs. Roper you are doing great. Here, heres another one. Now walk. There, that wasnt so bad was it . No, that was easy. Okay girls now our chest exercise. And we must, we must, we must increase our bust care to join us mister roper . Forget about mister roper he does not believe in doing anything strenuous. I dont believe in wasting time, all that running and jumping does not get you anywhere. Oh, i dont know about that. Jeffrey runs 2 miles every day. Where does he wind up . Right back at our house. You see, all that exercise doesnt get you anywhere. Mister roper, regular exercise is just a way of believe everyone should respect their body like a temple. Not stanley. He treats his like a museum. Okay, back to work mrs. Roper. [doorbell rings] here is one that will make a new woman out of you. Good, try that one helen. Very funny. Roper, your car is blocking the driveway. I had to push it out of the way. What . I just like to know how you ct running. Youre going to have to try a little running yourself. Why . I didnt put your brke on. You didnt put my brake. One, two, three, four. Very good, very good. Im off to work ann. You think we look pretty good huh . No, pretty good, no you look marvelous. Of course youre doing it all wrong. It doesnt matter, who is going to notice . You for one. No, really we would like to know the right way to do it. Yeah. All right, if you insist. You see ladies it is really quite simple. And follow me ladies. And one, two. Arrgh i dont know if i can do that. Out again. Oh how terrible. [jeffrey groaning] sometimes it lasts for hours. You can hear him all over the neighborhood. [jeffrey groaning] what do you do . I usually go to a movie. But what do you do now . I get his pills. No, no, no you dont, the last time i took those pills i got so spaced out i tried to walk across the neighbors swimming pool. I cant move sure you can. See now i really cant move. Maybe jenny can help. She fixed my neck, remember jenny . I suppose it couldnt hurt. Thats easy for you to say. Just relax mister brooks. Ow, ow, oh, oh. There, how does it feel . Thats completely better. It actually feels. Ow, ow, my neck, my neck. Ill get his pills. Whats he doing here . Oh, he threw his back out. Good, now ill throw out the rest of him. No, you will do nothing of the kind. Helen he pushed our car into the neighbors lawn. It doesnt matter, he cant be moved. Is that true . Yeah, he cant even get out of his chair. Oh thats terrible. [doorbell] momma ethel its helen. Where . Me, im helen. Oh yes. Oh stanley, its momma. Isnt that a lovely surprise . Yeah, lovely. I can only stay a feys stanley, get mommas bags and pay for the cab and we insist that you stay longer than just a few days. No dear, im only planning to stay in town long enough to see you and your sisters and to make out my will. Your will . Make out your will . Sit down mother, make yourself comfortable. Ill go get your bags. Ive never felt better. Hi again. Oh, you remember jenny . Yes, your oldest. She had your eyes and huberts chin. No momma you dont understand, jenny lives with us. Well, why shouldnt she . Shes far too young to leave home. Oh by the way, ive asked hilda and helen to meet me here. Thats ethel. Has five children to take care of. Thats hilda. And it isnt five, its six. Oh how nice. Do you think she will bring stanley with her . Thats freddie. Momma, hilda is married to freddie. Fertile freddie. How anyone could confuse him with stanley. Stanley, freddie. What . Shouldnt your wife be here with you . My wife, no she is going to get some pills. Well it is about time. You should have thought of that three babies ago. No, no, the pills are for me. Well if you think they are for you no wonder hildas always pregnant. No no, arrrgh. You dont have to bark at me. Here are your bags mother. Can i bring you anything else . Any coffee . No thank you. I will get it. I want to give freddie a chance to cool off. At least let me pour it for you. You know what we ought to put on this wall, that picture of your mother in the gilded frame. The apartment building. I just remembered where it got lost. Its in the garage. In front of my dartboard. Ann, dont ever leave me alone here again. Poor baby, you will feel better when you take one of these pills for the pain. No, i dont want them. I told you what happens to me when i take those things. But the doctor cant get away. You might have to wait here for a ce jeffrey ill take four. Get me the bottle. Thank you hubert. Its stanley. Stanley brought in your bags. Stanley paid your cab fare. Stanley sprung for the tip. Yes, and when you see stanley thank him for me. Would you like some cream . No thank you. How about some sugar . Money to . Well i havent made up my mind yet. I want my money to bring happiness. Me too. I dont want it squandered on lawyers or divorce. What . Im not leaving one cent to any of my daughters who isnt happily married. But thats not fair. Did you miss me sweetheart . Sweetheart . Stanley, have you been drinking . Only the kisses from your lips. You cant be happier than that. Too bad stanley isnt more like you. How do you feel . A little better. The pills are starting to work. [doorbell] howling. Ethel helen hildas coming. Darling helen, i am so happy to see you. I cant tell you how much i missed you mother. Hilda oh hilda, you didnt tell us. I know, i got tiof hilda, not again i think you should get a refund on those pills. How are you mister brooks . Actually. Mother you and i have got to talk. Privately. I cant move you see i have this severe back problem. About your will, mommy dearest. You know stanley, im worried. So am i. I think ethel is going to ace us out of the will. Not about that. Im worried about momma. I mean, why would she make out a will unless. Come on helen, you know your mother. Shes practical. Then you dont think shes really sick . No she is not sick [doorbell rings] just be our luck shall be around for another 10 or 20 years. The roper residence . Yes it is. Good, just on time. Hold it. Hold it, hold it. Hold it what is this . Hot hors doeuvres. Cold cuts. I didnt order this. No cold cuts . What . Thats why you are all here. This is my party. Helen you may want to invite some of the neighbors in. Oh a Surprise Party oh momma, that is so exciting. Whats it for . Are you alri then why are you doing this . Helen. Im ashamed of you. Why the answer is as plain as the nose on your face. Yes dear. Tell her. Tell her. Well the reason that she wants to have a wake is because. Come on ethel, tell us. She thinks that. Your mind is beginning to wander. I wanted to have my wake now while i am still alive. So i could enjoy it. Where did you get such a great idea mother . At my friend sybil wilsons wake. You shouldve heard the lovely things they said about how nice she looked. She never heard things like that when she was alive. Of course she never looked that good when she was alive. Mother just what is it that youre trying to say . Things that people have to say about me. I hope you wont be too shy. Well, i for one dont need any excuses to say nice things about my mother. Thats a lovely thing to say. Take my left hand mother it is closer to my heart. I dont need an excuse either. And youre not even my mother. Thats a lovely thing to say mother that a daughter could have. Thank you. And you are an even better motherinlaw. Why youre kind. You are generous. You are devoted. You are wise. You are, um. Your bill. Oh mother, let me take care of this. Give me that. What are you doing . This is my house. This is my mother. This is. 385. Youre right, this is your mother. This is the most depss thing i have ever seen. Yes, the way they are eating there will not be any left overs. I meant this party is morbid. Well it is what momma would have wanted. I mean what she wants. What mother wants, she doesnt know what she wants. Wasnt this a good idea . It was a wonderful idea. I an inspiration to us all. Yes, and im sure your wake will be an inspiration too. It will be for me. Excuse us. Stanley, whats the matter with you . Whats the matter with me . Do you see the way your sister is buttering up your mother . I know, it is disgusting. Roper roper the pills made me thirsty. So . For crying out loud. Hi mister roper. Visiting my son across the way and came over as soon as i heard about mrs. Ropers mother. What a tragedy. Pig in a blanket . Oh, no thank you. I thought i might say a few appropriate words to the family. The family . About the deceased. Well say them to me. Im the deceased. This chicken is delicious. Could you give this plate to mister brooks please, thanks. Hi mister brooks. Hi would you like a breast or a thigh . Already . Are you trying to tell me that you dont want any of mothers money . Thats right. I get it. You want her house. If you think that im going to stand idly by. I dont want her house or her money or anything. Is this some sort of a trick . No it is not a trick. I just dont want a lot of family squabbles. Ethel, youre my sister. And i love you and hilda too much to want anything to come between us. I am so ashamed. Here all the time i thought. Oh helen, ill never forget this. You have really opened my eyes. Then you dont want to be in the will either . Ethel. What . You must be out of your mind. Telling her you do not want to be in your mothers will. Would you listen to me . Do you mind . Im so sorry. Can i drive you somewhere . Her condition mother it takes two to tango honey. No, i didnt see him drive up behind me. Thats sneaky. And you, you must learn to say no once in a while. And this certainly cant be doing your back any good. Im sorry youre a little of course not. Oh hilda what about all the other children . Who is responsible for them . What . Oh mother, what a thing. I, i just dont understand you. Poor girl. And she thinks im confused. How about you . Can i drop you somewhere. This whole crazy affair . I love it. You do . Yes, its a wonderful idea. It is . Sure. Friends and family gathered here to honor your mother, shes having a blast. What more could you ask . Id like to get a peek at that will. Stanley you know, its just like a birthday party. The only thing missing is the presents. Well whats the use of waiting until im 6 feet under before you get all my things . I can give them to you now while i can enjoy the look on your faces. Thats a great idea. If it makes her happy. What do you think freddie . Your father always loved automobiles. So he bought automobile stock every chance he had. So now for ethel. Just a minute mother, to avoid any chance of a misunderstanding, you do mean me ethel and not helen ethel or hilda ethel, right . For ethel, 500 shares of pierce arrow. Thats just marvelous. Oh mother i. Pierce arrow . Mother, they went out of business 50 years ago. This is worthless. Oh no, your father said to hold onto them. And now for helen. Here we go helen. Here is 200 shares of tucker auburn motors. Worthless. Thank you momma. Wait a minute. Let me see those. Peerless, locamobile, jordan. Stoddard dayton. These are worthless. They are all worthless. Kissel, trackmobile, yes. Who are you going to give those to . Im going to keep those. I hear they are worth a bundle. Sabrina, its valentines day. Wear red to the dance. Yeah, cause no one else will have that idea. Sabrina hey, theres ken. Ill bet he followed you here. Stop it. Hi, ken. Valerie what do you think . valerie giggles he loves you. Yeah, and that was him asking me to marry him. Hey, val, you should get this dress for the dance. That way youll be ready if, uh. Lets see, who might ask you . Kennypoo . This is a great dress. Oh, look at the price. Ouch. Oh, well, my moms plaid formal has a certain charm
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