ba pla dr . You can meet me round the corner . . In a half an hour . N half aur fothe pastwo wee. Oudoealle moie. Do npbbt, banana. Are you readfo yet . Oh, doll mnt te floridas gonna be the french maid. Oui, oui, pense. R, i wish you were rehere in. Im up to mud in my underpants. T, hold it now, ln, mau. Oh, no, you misunderstand me, arthur. I love it. Oh. I really truly love it. Bu tell ya, i ink it i reweuld ha some kind of produion number you . Know, like something going on behutoivitilitary feel now, listen, maudie, if i cant do siegfried line, o nd oi want. badum that does it hold thear. Arthur, what are you doing . I am going to the principal of this school, and im just gonna ask him how he feels abt ha rdcore pornograp. Ar. Oh, carol, what are we going to do now . Oh, mother,dont worry about it, well do the sketch. Why dont you run over your number . Id raruover ar. Sing. Oh, i nt fe like it. jazz music plays u sing to me. Oh, all right. End ithe audience. sic continues . In old savannah, i said savna . The weather there is nice and warm . Yeah. . The climates of the southern brand . . But one thi i ng nt understand . . Hes a heart . Ke . Us stone . . Even icn leave her alone . . Hey call her hardhearted hannah . . He vamp savnah . . Meanest galtown . Now, you talk about your cd . Refrigeratin mamas . sucks air through clenched tee . Shes the polar bears pajamas . . . Torture and kill em . Is her delight, they say . . Now, i saw her theatea . . With a great big pan . . Why, there was hannah . . Pourin water a donwn . . Mean shs hardhearted hannah . . The vp of savannah, ga . . Now, an evening spent with hannah . . In your bvds . . I said, haedrdhannah . . I meahes hardhearte . . The vamp of savannah . . Ga . Cheering music ends now, hear this the principa ominright down here to put a stop to this dirty show. Oh, but, arthur. The show is tonight i told you at the start of this thing we should do a wholesome show. Remember . Uggested mary poppins. Mary poppins. Thats the one that has that word in it drews said that. Supercalifragilistic expialidocious. I love that arthur, doyoalize in highpitched british accent now, children. Ich of you would like to spell johnny . moans spell mississippi you want the river or the state . drum thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump honestly, you are the most intractable group of juveniles i have ever witnessed intractable, juvenile get them fancy words . thump thump stop that quiet now, i am goingto have m for a few moments. While i am gone, there is to be pitbalthrowing, no hairpulling, and, abo all, no prayers. If i catch aonpring, god help you. Soular with the boys . My charming smile . Nope. My personality . Nope. My brains . Nope. thp p thump thump thump stop that necking if i catch anyone neckin ump i intend tput a stopo g. Its about time, a dame your thump and my . S . . Strollin down enuethav . Lookid i ou tsh i ths n bha i be the shad. Ok, florida stop the music now,isten, frida, we are going to do it my way, and thats that. Your shadow do music ntins . Lllo aeelin . O . Music stop l alinat all right, maude, now were gonnhave a showdo. The principal is wng to see you in the locker room. Fink no, his name is fishman. Look, honey, why you get into your costume, phillip . Arthur harmon. All right, come on, everybody lo, ur, arurnt re what you, it is all in your head that is not true, and you know it, maude please, please, please clears throat as the principalof thisc the audience will become so stimulated immatiately the show is over, theyll ruuto e lobby and have a mass orgy . Oh, i hope not. Our lobby is so tiny. Arthur, what ure sgesting is outandout censorship. As a Ranking Member of the school board either you cancel this show, ease, i dont nty more trouble. Ve got enough trouble in this School Without geinmu look, arthur, op browbeatg mrfishman. Now, shen do you ht ats immoral and what isnt . Sincince wn . since when . put a stop to permiiveness. They voted overwhelmingly against just this kind of filth five to foarthur is overwhelming . Actually, it was five t ve to four, arthur. Douglas dions dont count. Arthurwill is the most brilliant scholar on the court maude, the man spends his time climbing mountain name me a mountain climber that ever had a thghinis head. Moses, jesus, and mumm. See . You could only name three. Furthe i fe,d it very heartening to note that the Supreme Court finally threw the obscenity ball right to decide for itself what is indecent. You mean anyenose can stop anything he doesnt like . Are you calling me a bluenose . If the handkerchief fits, blow. Half hour before the opening noonoo nanoonoo noonoo knock it off, mousie all right, fishman, its up to you now. Mrs. Findlay, dr. Harmons point is welltaken, i think. Because,we all right. All right, all right, thats it. We will do it your way, arthur. There wi bnohow. All right, no show. Welli wanted raise moneyr tr no opening number no opening number whh you wrote. Which i wrote. No audience. No audience. No laughter in these empty halls. Well, s theay it has to be. No Opening Night party at the r cest la vie. No Arthur Harmon singing the siegfried line. No Arthur Harmon singing the siegfried line. No s of thgrease paint, no roar of the crowd no Arthur Harmon singing the siegfried line . oh, arthur, honey. To quarrel with each other. W whm kidng, arthur . I mean, i know cssen iee it. Es may god forgive me for this. Its a showstopper. Me, less, of course, that great tradition the sh must go on doesnt meannything to you, in which case, ill simply have to im sorry, mrs. Findlay, im truly sorry. Fishman dont you know anything about the great traditio the show must go on . . To the left of me hat it means, the show is going on. And now that im gonna do the siegfried line, the show will have some redeeming social value. Where do i get into my costume . In the mensoom. Why, i hope he doesnt get mugged. drum roll jazz music plays . Girls . . To the right of me . . Love the girls, girlirls, rls . . Girls . Around the world, we search for girls to wake the connoisseur up. In this strange maplace, mai present miss europe. The beautyof ourext made is guarantee daze. Insctable, to say the least, may we present miss asia. A splash of ethnic culture is a tng we all enjoy. So, for allyou cultur, heres our african envoy. zz mic plays botheres no vinism like chauvinism when it comes to favorite types. For me, here comes our own miss stars and stripes. drum roll . Zstars and stripes rever plays to the tune of Yankee Doodle . From every country on this earth . . De our population . . Our melting pot ingredients . . Have made a tasty nation . Were tuning up, all . America, i love . Youre like swtheart of mine . . From ocean toce . For you, my devotio . . Tong Boundary Line . . Juske a lbaby . Clinee it . And tes maud . Nd thetheres maude . . And then theres maude . . Andhen thes maud compromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but anquilizin . All . Rht on maude . Caro i didnt hear what florida said. Did she call the cleaners . Eighteen times, mother. They said hes on s way. Maude, have en . Ive looked upstairs, i cant find them downstairs. I know, walter. One ngs rings hello . Oh, hello, grace. Uh, listenno, igce, pleaar, de i know, grace. I know, grace. I know, grace. Grace robes her hud got her in a terrible mess. Ought he die he did die. Thats how he got her in a terrible mess. Something about his wi. I know, grace. I know, grace. I ow, grace. That darn cleaner, he was supposed to be here at 2 00 this afternoon withess. Dr ill just have to wear something different. Listen, viv, i do value your opinion, so . Well, oh and threen vvet makes me look like a lumpy snooker table. The biggest night of my life, and i look a mess a mess maude, i cant find my studs anyplace whered you hide them . Walter, you had them earlier. Did you check yokets did i check my pockets . Did i check pock. Thats a good boy. Hi, beautiful chris mwah. Hey, everybody. Did you know that my future inlaws are famous . all yelling e oh, walter look at our picture. Let me see, ill read it mr. And ms. Walter findlay have been selected for their contribionsto the fit f the states ratification he equal rights amendment for women. Here, you read the rest. The prominent ramrod will be ramrod . They mt be talking about you, maude. Oh, give me. The prominent couplewill bhonot in the ramrod room of the tuckahoe country club. Speech come on, maude, walter wait a second, w. Aw. Ma im so proud of you oh, sweetheart, im glou feethat way. Then, you wont beo se if i go to the affair tonight stark naked. Oh, ill kill that clea grace. I know, grace. The nerve of that woman shng up me. Say, maude, if you dont havedr a s to wear, mahave sething you can courself with. Afsawi the paper this morning, carol chris all talking at once oh oh , chris, darling, how thoughtful of you. Oh, walter. You know, i never realized what a beautiful couple we are. Such nice opores. Gosh, i never saw such a big picture in my life looks like a snapshot for wilt chamberlains wallet. Arthurs sense of humor must be rubbing off on me. Better outhan on u. I do, dont i . And to think that with that shirt and that jacket, you had the innate good taste not to clutter it up me picture. That looks like a snapshot for wilterlambs wallet. Ha ha ha ha ha. Arthur thats exactly the same thing i said. Really . Vivi has a marvelous nse hor dont you thinso, maudie . one rings saved by the bell. rings hello . Oh, hello, gra liennoact canlk tu no rings i know,. L th tnghangup. I know, grace. You knowfe full of irony. I mean, here i am, wife of the year ar theug aur, yo e o, an gond its be e laof theand. I secthink ma get t se yeah, wh . About executives, arthur toggrava maude anymore h that im very prd of her, s equality, too, 100 what the equal rights amendment says. Ill tell yo what it says. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the united st any state on account of sex. Ths it. Woment to li will you stop that . Nt to be equa mother, mother . Law that women dont want to be secondclass citizens maude others yelling at once walter, how can i fix your tie with theyoonloor . Oh, let me alone, wear your snapon. gaing ha. That ought to scare the termites out of the house. Ha ha ha ha ha. doorbell rings co im coming. Well, where have you been . Jeez, lady, i had to deliver five tuxedos. A bunch of nutty dames are dragging their poor husbands to some stupid thing for n. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Give me the dress all the buttons are missing ink im gonna give you 2. 50 for this . Then, all your buttons are missing carol, it is ruid, ruined mother, calm dn, calm down its not rnemot. Maude, i can put new buttons on that in a minute. Ii thinkhelp. Listen, maude, just rax. Eve isngs gonna be fine. Besides, maude, dont rrif you. That of a wan . That i would expect from you, Arthur Harmon. phone rings thank waltavenar, n who eats women like human beings. rings i know, e. I know, grace. , gri knowe. I know, grace. You and e yourperiority. Yore as bad as graces h chundy and leaves her with a will thbsoluty ties her hand and foo es permission . She cant do anything wiout ustes permission. Oh, come on, maudie, what chubbyerts d for his wife was perfectly admirable. Appointing a trustee protects the little woman. Protects, my foot u meanontrol. Well, my walter doesnt want to control his little wofr th. Thats why were husband and wife oyear tell, walt. Come on, honey tell him. Alght, wter, whos the trustee . chuckles ds wi will get you for this, walter. Sk rol, vivian what iit . I am not g youre wha i am not going for righequal for womene figt when i cant even be equal in my own home . No. I will tell the committee en theget here. Ude, wh were husband and wife of the year we are the frauds of the year, walter. What kin of year its been. Nixon, agnew, watergate you wont see these folks at the post office. They have busiss run. They have passions to pursue. Theavoid trips to the post office . Amps. C mail letters, ip pkages, ek trial, plus 100 in extras clinpostage and a digital scale. Go to stamps. Com tv maude, theres a lot at stake if i die my assets, a going business. Walter, i am not helpless havent you noticed . it, maude, if anything should happen to me, that business is your Financial Security and its very important to me, too i mean, findlays appliaes isis. Well, its so important that its hard to talk about. Oh, sw eeeaundersta. Oh, honey, every man hastof so that the worldll know hen here. I mean, ford left the automobile, and, uh, einstein left a theory. Edison left the light bulb. And your terrible loneliss and hysterical grief at my tragic passing how can i be sure that you wont fall for some tall, handsome, smoothtalking louse who will pick you clean in six month walter. Walter, i love you. And ill mourn for yoalter. groans yove pasd away. And i have met a tall, handsome, smoothtalking louse who picks me clean in six months while making mad, passionate love to me. Walter, allow me to make my ois please let me make my own mistakes walter, daing,t. S, it is, walter, and thats all it is not anr word if that isnt just like a woman if youll feel better, explain. All i wanted to say, maude . Maude, if you dont . I dont hear a wohererd tayin . Oh, florida, dear, forget a t dress. Im not going tonight. Now, listen, cat ar you, thank you. Inewi could c. You ba grt comfort to me in my old age when my hearing fails. Come on, were going to that dinner. Screwball city. Im warning you, im gonna ye inour ear g im yelling in your left ear, ether you can hear me or not maude, im not chag my wl because im your husband, im your protector maude, i married you toakcare of you and t till just death do us part either, maude because im not letting my grieving, helpless, little old widow get taken by some greasyhaired gigolo walter ah, you heard greasyhaired gigolo. And every other crooked word thatimped out of your two faces. s peace in this house since bobby riggs blew it doorbell rings maude . Walter, youre badly mistaken walter well, it is as f aiconcerned good eveni hello. Hi, there. Were the hausers, and, uh, these are the cronins. How do you do . Hi. Theyll be down in just one minute. Wont yo in . Me sure. Id love to. When im gone, i d want any greasyhaired gigolo moving into my bed either maude if i want a greasyhaired gigolo in my bed, ths my buness and mrs. Findlay is rehearsing her acceptance speech. Walter now, you listenmee you stolwi me, walter look, im sick and tired of your attitude. Okay, yowa the ntin t famy . okayhere take the pants walter, if you are stupid enough to stand around in your under shorts, me telyou one thing. What . Our companys here. Ughs laughs hysterically coughs atso damned funny . a w ter, your bony knees. Ha ha ha ha ha. And b the expression on their faces. Hi there, hausers, cronins. See . I just realize. I just realized that i dont want your pants. E doi b in just a minute. Maude, youre going . Of course im k i owe you an apology. If i had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down, id have done a better job of ironing his shorts. Maude, now were going . Is that i hea you say . All of a sudden, now were going . Im going, walter, youre not. Youre going . U talking about . Out of my way, walter. I am a woman, and because i am a woman, i must make myself beautifulfor. Erful head start. Now, come on, maude. You cat accept the husband and the wife of the year award without a husband walter, i am accepting the wife of the year award. I have also just become the most liberated woman theofe. Why dnt i think of it before . Walter, darling, i have decided i am not accepting your estate. No, im not. I have just cut myself out of your wi i dont want your protection, walter. I dont want your money, i dont want findls appliances. After youre gone, arthur can take your piece of the rock you mean that you would give up everythi want leave you just because you dont like my will . that rightthat is absolutely right, walter. I would rather be free and poor an be safe and secure under somebody elses control. I dont believe thust ard that you cant do this to me youve gotta accept my estate sorry, sweetheart, you had yohance, and, like bobby riggs, you blew it. Maude, youve gotta accept my estate i mean, whawhawhatll happen if word gets around . Ill be humiliated. Thats your problem, not. Walter, i am free. Livingston seagull oh, honey, i am free, free, free come here, sit down, i want to talk to you. Free to make my own decisions. Stop flapping your wings ee to make my ownta i am free of shackles maude sit stock of the cemeter now, when i die, youre gonna take everything i walter, stophrtenie. Maud as ever ft rything and had her refuse it i ll not be made a fool of now, im not asking yo i am telling you walter, now youre not only threatening me, youre yelling at me. Maude, please sigh