Shes so great because she wrote one book about college. [crumples] i wanna move up in this business. Why does aidan get to skip the line . Why, because he asked for extra assignments . Because he doesnt take a nap every day in the tape room . Im gonna take a nap in the tape room. No, mom, hes not skipping the line, hes hustling, like me. Why do you think i didnt go home last night . Because you live in a 16th floor walkup in the werewolf district . No, because i was working on the story of a lifetime. Guess how many celebrities got hacked this month. 83 . 29, why did you guess such a high number . Anyway, i did some digging. Its 1 00 a. M. , im staring at kate uptons natural larges, and you know what i realize . Okay, okay, i saw this coming. I love you no matter what, just promise me that you will wear the dress at the wedding and shell wear the tux with the sneakers. No, mom, that the hacks could be connected to something bigger. I found these Message Boards that the hackers use who is willing to talk, and thats not an assignment, mom, that is me, hustling. Okay, i get it. Well, maybe i could be a hustler like you. [humming the hustle] mom, be serious. [humming in a lower register] no, im just kidding. I understood this conversation. [upbeat news broadcast music] sorry im late, everyone. I just came from a threehour management seminar entitled how to keep your morning meetings focused and on task. So i have something i wanna say. As you know, i love being an intern, but i dont want to be an intern forever. As jayz once said, im a hustler, baby. Noodles ask about me. He doesnt really say noodles in the song. He says okay, mom, maybe if you would just get to the point . I want to pitch a story for tonights show. Carol, i admire your pluck, but lets leave the pitching to the professionals. Gene, what have you got . How about an investigative whos always texting my wife . Okay, carol, what do you have . Oh, so the story is biscuit blitz. Its a phone game that all of my friends and i play, and the scoop is, its fun congratulations, carol. Took a lot of guts to Say Something that stupid in front of a room full of people. You should be proud. Well, i dont think its stupid. Biscuit blitz is everywhere right now, actually oh, its everywhere, huh . Thats funny, i dont remember hearing about it this morning from my shoeshine man. Well, i think we should do the story. Fine, katie, you can produce portiasand i guess carolsbiscuit blitz piece. [gasps] i actually have a hacking story that i would really look, portia, i understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at e cohosting fashion 911 um, it was fashion 911, and it was immediately canceled. But journalists cant just report on what they like. Should i interview my bird on the show . Can you stop mansplaining my job to me and interrupting me every single time i shh, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, you have to listen to someone who knows better. Well, im just happy that my storys on the show tonight. Great meeting, gang. Lets get to work. We havent done anything yet, carol we just watched two people fight greg . Greg, i dont wanna do that biscuit blitz piece, but its for a really good reason. I think im about to crack the biggest story of my career. Really . Mmhmm. Okay, lets hear it. Yeah, you better roll up those sleeves cause this is some spotlight shizz. Okay, so i think the recent celebrity hacks are part of a bigger story, and i found a source who im hoping will be willing to spill the electronic beans, or, as the hackers might call them, ebeans. And who is this source . I cant tell you, or know that, but his handle is doctor skullcrusher, except the ls are 1s. Isnt that so computery . Wait, wait, wait, put the sleeves back up. Othing. Well, greg, youre not giving me a ch look, i get it. We all dream about bagging the big story, but our job isnt tracking down clues or meeting mysterious sources. Its saying stuff on tv that people already read on the internet. Okay, but, greg, arent you afraid that youre gonna miss out . This could be huge. No, im scared that youre gonna chase an anonymous source and wind up making a fool out of yourself. Wait, why would i make a fool out of myself . Do you not trust my instincts . I mean, come on, you remember what happened when you tried to break a story on the fashion industry . My source turned out to be an ad bot for ann taylor loft, and i fell in love with him, but that wasnt my fault, he kept calling me. Exactly. Do not waste your time on this. But, greg, i i said no. [phone ringing] howard, hey, its really not a good time. [robotic voice] hello, katie wendelman. Spring into spring with savings at ann taylor loft. [sighs] [bgot the homehunting blues . Ow. [yellow] why is it so difficult finding a rental . [brad] ah, its a puzzle. Its a puzzle. Heres a clue. Give apartmentsdotcom a spin. With the most listings. The search tools of tomorrow, today, the Perfect Place is just a tiptap away. What do you think . [yellow] uhhh. I dont know. [brad] alright. How about this . [yellow] how did you know . [brad] you like yellow, dont you . [yellow] yeah. [brad] change your apartment. Change the world. This and its also a story about people. And while we make more ecommerce deliveries to homes than anyone else in the country we never forget. That your business is our business. The United States postal service. Priority you a piece together. Iting. Sure, mom, and which part of the work are you doing, again . Im gonna be giving the speech when we win the daytime emmy. I have a lot of people i need to tell off. Okay, heres the script i picked the font that katie didnt use. [phone buzzes] i can meet to talk between 4 00 and 4 30. Its now or never. Who are you texting . Are you still dating that undertaker . No, portia, i said wish i was dating the undertaker, from wrestling. No, i have a source, and he wants to talk. Oh, are you gonna meet him . Greg wont let me. He says i have bad instincts. Oh, he wont let you . Katie, its sometime between 2010 and 2020. Women need to stop listening to guys like chuck and greg and start listening to their gut. My gut says hes wrong. My gut says im hungry, but my hips say, shut up you need to speak to your source, and i need to stand up to chuck. But i cant leave now. Ill miss the show. Well, the piece is basically done, and if greg asks, ill just say that you flushed your leg down the toilet again. Okay, thanks, portia. Okay. Ooh, i see a typo. Oh, good catch. Why dont you just fix whatever needs fixing . And then well be good to go. You mean produce the piece . Yeah, who cares . Oh, im sorry, chuck. I didnt mean to take up more space than a woman should. Oh, well, thank you for apologizing, portia. Thats very thoughtful of you. No, chuck, im manspreading to make a point about your mansplaining. Youre not making any sense. Are you on drugs . Did you smoke one of those electric marijuana kazoos . She scratched me just, in light of what happened this morning, i would love it if this rehearsal didnt devolve into a petty fight, please. He needs to apologize for talking down to me in front of everyone. I was trying to save you from doing a stupid story. It was an act of chivalry. Its like when you lend a woman your coat because shes cold or you go watch the game when shes having a baby. Just because you dont know what biscuit blitz is doesnt mean it isnt news. Its the most downloaded app for 18 to 35yearolds with 100 million users and annual profits exceeding the gdp of the maldives, but you wouldnt know that the dead and found a suit. Uh. Excuse me. I have to get this. Its my doctor. Hello . Oh, so i have tested positive for diarrhea then. I have to leave the room . Oh, no, im in a conversation that i love and i know what im gonna say next in. Oh, well, youre the doctor. Bye. I dont know if you heard any of that, portia, but i get out. [suspenseful music] [police siren wailing] [exhales] [doorbell buzzes] oh, god, i hope hes not a murderer. I really dont want my age in the newspaper. Oh, hi, is your father, the source, home . No, baby, its me. Im doctor skullcrusher. Oh, my god, but youre youre a kid. The ls were 1s because youre 11, playa. But im gonna need three things. One, you take me to see the new beauty and the beast. Emma watson has natural larges. Uh. Two, you write a fivepage report on the dust bowl for miss reginas class. Three, we touch tongues, and you post it on your instagram. Okay, im obviously not gonna do any of that stuff because you are a tiny liar, and i already saw beauty and the beast. How was it . It was pretty scary. Excuse me, who are you . Why are you talking to my son . Hi, yeah, i can explain. I met your son in an online chat room. Okay, im gonna run. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. Rumor confirmed. Theyre playing. What . We gotta go. Where . San francisco. When . Friday. We gotta go. [ tires screech ] any airline. Any hotel. Any time. Go where you want, when you want with no blackout dates. [ muffled music coming from club. Blue monday by new order. Cheers. ] ] the travel rewards credit card from bank of america. Its travel, better connected. The music volume rises ] card from bank of america. You guys wanna go . [whistles] get all summer essentials 30, 40, and 50 percent off. Hi, fashion. Old navy for all kinds of things. Like walking. Ewarded hey, honey. Dad, wheres the car . Thought wed walk. Hes counting steps. Walk, move and earn money. Goal dad. Hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. Look at this dad, hes got some moves money you can use on outofpocket medical expenses. Hes ok, yeah unitedhealthcare carol, get in here. Oh, sorry, chuck. Oh, ive been busy producing a news piece. Unrelated, do you know how to produce a news piece . Look, i need you to fill me in on biscuit blitz. Really . This morning, you said biscuit blitz was stupid. Well, im a newsman. I have natural curiosity. Also an extreme desire to make portia eat her words like a big, fat Peanut Butter sandwich. Theres nothing much to know, chuck. All you do is download it and play. Uh, well, why dont you download it for me . Hold on. You dont have one app . Not even calkalator . No, when i first opened the map, a little blue dot followed me everywhere i went. I said, enough, im not gonna be terrorized. I said, take off everything except for the little green phone. There you go, this is biscuit blitz. This is what everyones talking about . [chuckling] all you do is line up the little pretend biscuits, and thenoh, they explode. Mmm, good it talks. Hey, how are ya . Im chuck, and i. Love you. Just do that one, right there. [shouts] leave us, carol a spokesman for the fec announced that there will be a special election to fill all 37 Vacant Senate seats. A gruesome reminder to always make sure someone is driving your party bus. Thats our show. Good night. That biscuit blitz piece. I think thats one of the best segments weve ever done. It was . Huh . Oh, yeah. And i was thinking, someone whos capable of producing such high Quality Content surely deserves a promotion. A promotion, like aidan . Oh, definitely. Above all the aidans. But, katie, you produced it, right . You should get all the glory. Maybe you should be given the employee of the month hat. No, it was me i produced the segment i deserve the hat of course it was you, carol. It was terrible. It was the worst segment weve ever done. Is there a hat for that . Carol, news stories usually answer the questions who, what, and why. Yours did, in a way. Who is this woman . What is she doing . Why is she ruining my life . So was it worth it . Did your source crack open the story of a lifetime . cause i have a slight suspicion he did not, and youre starting to feel a bit like an idiot right now. Well, youre wrong. He did, and i dont. Youre lying. Like that time i asked if youd ever tried sushi. My source was legit, okay . And he confirmed that i am bigtime right. Well, we cant just sit on a story like that, can we . Mmmm. Lets lead with it tomorrow. Great. Great, and when it airs, ill buy you a celebratory dinner, just remind me, what are your favorite sushi rolls again . Sweet tuna, super crab, dragon carnival, colorado rolls, and, my personal favorite, a big ol bowl of snake eggs. [suspenseful music] mom, youre on my sad couch. Scooch over. Im sorry i made a mess of your piece. I guess i hustled too close to the sun. Yeah, so did i. Now i have 24 hours to just create a story out of thin air or admit that greg was right and that i have terrible instincts. Dont you listen to him. You know who had terrible instincts . Your greataunt. She married two different serial killers. But, mom, why would greg say it if it wasnt true . She used to say, katies a bad basketball player, when she was the one in the wheelchair. Mom, youre right. Why is greg being so hard on me . He called me an idiot and said id make a fool of myself. Do you think hes covering up some weird insecurity . Maybe thats a story. Who . Greg. What . Being weird. Why . Who knows . Me. No, i dont. Im gonna do some more reportering and find out, cause, thanks to you, mom, i have another hunch. Now that ive helped you, i can finally take a nap. Both mom i knew you were gonna say it like that. Okay, fine, ill keep hustling. Ill keep hustling. Good morning, greg. I think ive finally cracked the story, and ive got all the evidence i need right here. That is a tiny penguin. Itsoh. Well, if youre sure about this, we should do it properly. Mmhmm. Right, come on in, everyone. Are you sure you wanna do this . This should be very interesting. Especially since i tricked carol into telling me your source was a 12yearold boy. He was 11, and thats not the story im talking about. I havent cracked my phone hacking story yet, but what i did crack is the story of why youre being such a turd to me. [gasps] [murmurs] i thought more of us were going to murmur. Katie, im not sure what it is you think you found. You dont think im an amazing reporter, but check this, jack cool phrase. You started acting weird when i wanted to meet with an anonymous source, and heres why, jack. You once had your own anonymous source, and this happened. Instincts attack oh, no. Tonight on this live special, well be making the worlds first human contact with the loch ness monster. Wait. What . I got what seemed like a credible tip from an internet renowned monster scientist. Rward, shall we . Three hours later. Well, that was a load of crap. All we found was a boot. Whose bloody, stupid idea was this then, eh . Eh . Any of you . Did i do that . In my defense, we had just gotten Family Matters in the uk, so that was actually a very cool thing to say. I didnt make a fool of myself. You made a fool of yourself. I didnt have bad instincts. You had bad instincts. Excuse me. Excuse me. [all murmuring] okay, so now were doing the murmur at the end, well. T of fabric softener, goinneed anything . Un. Clorox wipes. For my little artist. And a razor for my little man. Nana. Got it. Get everyday low prices on everyday essentials, targetrun and done. Essential for him, but maybe not for people with rheumatoid arthritis. Because there are options. Like an unjection™. Xeljanz xr. A once daily pill for adults with moderate to severe ra for whom methotrexate did not work well. Xeljanz xr can reduce pain, swelling and joint damage, even without methotrexate. Xeljanz xr can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections, lymphoma and other cancers have happened. 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Theyre in the trunk of my car next to what may seem like makeup for men. Its actually makeup for women, that i use. Ah, you have dry eye from playing biscuit blitz all night. Pee into that jar. Youre only on level three . Ah, i know the problem. Youre not using biscuit bombs. I dont need to. I know what im doing. Shh, honey, honey, honey, you need to listen to someone who knows better. Why is this knowitall tone going into my ears instead of coming out of my mouth . I dont need you momsplaining to me something i already know. Oh, crap. I just learned a lesson. About the way you spoke to portia yesterday . Yes, i was so condescending. And if journalism is half as important to her as blitzing is to me, then, wow, just wow. Carol, thank you. Dont forget my jar. No, no, no, wait, ah, im crocheting you an apology, and its not done yet. Its supposed to be a blanket that says, im sorry, greg. I am sorry. Its fine. Ii meant to only privately humiliate you, and then, you know, maybe show our coworkers later. Behind your back. Unfortunately for you, youre not the only good reporter around here. Wait, im a good reporter . Ive done a little investigating of my own. About you. Oh, no. Oh, yes. In high school, you attended court jester camp at medieval times. Gah. And who could forget the scathing oped you wrote for your College Paper about how there should be more cake options in the dining halls . Chocolate and vanilla leave students wanting more. And i dearly love your world of warcraft character, lerotica the news elf. Okay, she was the best reporter in the realm, but, wait, go back to the part about me being a good reporter. Im sorry i doubted your instincts. Maybe that source of yours was legit. No, he definitely was not. He keeps texting me asking if i wanna do a stripper dance at his friends bar mitzvah. I also did a little a Cyber Security firm. Wait, you think that kid might know something . Uh, you think . Sorry, i guess i was still a little mad. Thought you were coming alone. Whos your friend . Would you two be willing to lez out at marks bar mitzvah . Okay, listen, you little punk. If you dont tell me everything you know, i will make your life a dust bowl. I dont know what that means. I never did my report. You better listen to what she says, all right . You do not want to see her angry. Do you think this is some kind of joke . That famous butts and wangs are just out there for the world to see . Its not just celebrities. Its a huge data breach. They think its an app or something. Whats the app . Ive got your teacher tied up in a warehouse, soaked in kerosene. Katie, just dial it back a tad. I dont know why are you doing this . Its my birthday. Its your birthday . Im so sorry, but i made you a blanket that will say, happy birthday, source. Why are you here again . Portia, im not good at apologizing. Uh, was that it . Well, let me try this again in language you understand. Urban dictionary defines apologizing as a sex act where the man stands in the tank of a toilet okay, fine, fine, i accept your apology, as long as you can admit that there are some things i know better than you. Yes, portia, of course. I promise. And from now on, i will listen and not always assume i know best. Maybe i am good at apologizing. Hey, chuck, i think you just got hacked. The New York Post published your fiber journals. What . Oh, god. I hope they dont find my drunk voice mails to nancy pelosi. I can explain the nickname captain orgasm. Its worse than it sounds. You know, just a piece of advice, when i was hacked im not listening to you. I know about this. I know about everything. Aidans gonna have a field day with this. Oh, i download one app on my bosss phone and look what happens. Wait, one app . Yeah, biscuit blitz. Maybe thats what that kid was talking about. Biscuit blitz is the data breach. Its on everyones phone, it has access to 100 million users worldwide. Oh, my god. Do you know what this means . You may have just cracked the story of a lifetime. No, it means i pitched the story of a lifetime. Oh, you take that, aidan. Im gonna rub his face in it. That twerp. [laughs] wait, wait, i found something. Its the other boot. Well, my career in englands over. Maybe i could move to america, become a better version of myself, like stefan urkel. Thanks for nothing, nessie. [splashing] [ominous music] you take it easy. Ill talk to the legal guy. The cfd needs to protect its imagine and its reputation. Theyre suspending you for 60 days without pay. You are so out of touch. You have no right just barging into my home why does he owe that guy money . Should i call my mom . You need to give ramon a chance to solve his own problems. Ive got nothing. You got me. Matt casey says, we need to earmark funds for our first responders. Smells an awful lot like selfdealing to me. [crowd booing] maybe maybe what we need is some of that swamp draining right here in chicago. [cheers and applause] yes. Thats right. Alderman matt casey right here wants to take your hard earned tax dollars and dole it out to his buddies in the cfd