Sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey. Hey stephen good to see you. Good to see you. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, please. Welcome to the late show. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. First of all, happy star wars shall star wars day, everybody, may the fourth be with you. Also i think the republicans may have fourthed you off your Health Insurance because the house voted to repeal and replace obamacare just a few hours ago. For more lets go to our congressional no, i know the feeling. Lets go to our congressional reporter ben. Ben, what was that moment like . As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror. Stephen thanks, ben. Now, hes a good kid. Now when they tried to pass this kind of bill back in march moderate republicans thought that it was too harsh. While conservative republicans thought it was too soft. The only person who thought its with just right was oregon congresswoman goldi locks. She was into it at first but eventually voted for the bill after they promised her 8 billion in porridge subsidies. Under obamacare insurers were forced to cover certain essential Health Benefits like maternity care, Emergency Services an Preventive Services but this new bill allows states to waive the benefit rules and set up their own standards. You know, because people get sick differently in different states. In california you could be suffering from hella foot pain, brah. Whereas in massachusetts, it is wicked bad gout in your red sawx. That is a perfect boston accent. Meryl streep. applause absolutely. Of course the big question is whether the new plan will cover preexisting conditions. And the answer is a def no. Cuz the bill has an amendment that allows states to opt out. Opting out. Very popular provision with many of the states who already fly the traditional opt out flag. And the term, yes, i agree. And im from there. And of course it wouldnt be a republican bill if didnt include tax cuts. Obamacare was paid for largely with a tax increase on the richest americans. The new bill would cut taxes for the now listen, if hearing that raises your blood pressure, calm down, you cant afford the medication any more. But if all of this seems extreme, dont worry. Some members of congress are telling journalists that the bills controversial provisions arent a bug deal because quote no state would be crazy enough to actually ask for them. Have you met florida . Right there on their state seal, crazy enough. So they did it. Obamacare is finally, officially dead is something they he can say once the bill goes to the senate then gets out of committee, is debated on the floor where amendments can be added then the senate votes on their bill which is sent to Conference Committee where the differences between the two bills are ironed out then voted on in the hou then sent to the white house for the president to sign. Which is why republicans were chanting, were number onethird of the way through a very complex process. applause . Stephen all that is true but it did not stop republicans from throwing a massive beer bash. And it wasnt just beer, no, i mean they havent accomplished anything yet but it wasnt just beer. They also served unhatched chickens, there was so much food they had to bring in a cart before a horse it was very levly. After the vote, it it took awhile for the metaphor to catch on in the room but they got there evellntuay. After the vote, one reporter ran into Reince Priebus who told her, the president stepped up and helped punt the ball into the end zone. Yes, a punt into the end zone. Accurate because it gets you zero points and gives y opponent good field position. applause punta way. Thank you very much. Jon i got you. Stephen i think a more accurate football metaphor might have been the gop just kicked america in the balls. Thank you, thank you, thank you, piano hand. Right after the vote the republicans went over to the white house where donald trump spoke about the bill in front of the nations strategic white guy reserves. And he wanted to be very clear about what this is. This is, make no mistake, this is a repeal and a replace of obamacare, make no mistake about it. Make no mistake. Tz yes, make no mistake. Weve already made enough for today. All the mistakes are taken. And trump did have a very important question for the assembled. How am i doing . Am i doing okay, im president , hey, im president , can you believe t right . Tz no, we still cant. Its just cheers and applause swrz here i stand with pi back against the wall. Stephen and trump walked about talked about everyone who came together to pass this bill. We have the tuesday group, we have so many groups. The we have the freedom caucus, we have and theyre all great people. We have a lot of groups tz yeah, a lot of groups. The guys who wear stripe tie, the guys who wear solid tie, the bald guy, not bald guys, very diverse coalition. And of course there was high praise for the president from House Majority leader kevin mccarthy. Ive only been through a few president s but ive never seen someone so hands on tz neither have we. Hes hands o especially health care. Hes already volunteered to do all the mammograms. But based on a true story, that joke. But if you lose your health care, remember laughter is the best medicine. Until yesterday when a jury convicted a woman who laughed at Jeff Sessions. See trumps america isnt so bad its jis that laughter is now a crime. The woman Desiree Fairooz was convicted of disrupting sessions confirmation hearings when alabama senator Richard Shelby said this. But in reality, Jeff Sessions extensive record of treating all americans equally under the law is clear and welldocumented. Tz oh oh, you just got busted. For first degree chuckling with intent to titter. Now fairooz defended herself saying her laughter was a reflex. I understand that. I mean its like my gag reflex every time i say President Trump. applause now this is true, fairooz could face up to a year in prison, okay. That is harsh. She could end up joining a gang, or worse an improv troupe. We now live in a world where laughing at Jeff Sessions is a federal offense. So for your own your own safety, please do not laugh at how much Jeff Sessions looked like my writer mikes brand new baby. laughter youre all going to jail. Re laughter oh, donald trump was in new york city tonight. The big apple, the big apple got a visit from the yu gge orange. Start spreading fake news. He attended a ceremony commemorating the 75th anniversary of the battle of the coral sea aboard theu ss intrepid, an aircraft considerrier turned museum. It is permanently docked in the mud at 44th street, or as trump would say, it is heading to north korea as i speak. Steaming right out, whooo whooo. But before he came it to new york, trump signed another executive order. This one supposedly about religious liberty. Today my administration is leading by example as we take historic steps to protect religious liberty in the United States of america. applause we will not allow people of faith to be targeted, bullied or silenced any more. Tz unless youre a muslim then Steve Bannons giving you a swirly. Locker room baptism. Among other things, this executive order relaxes enforcement of rules barring tax exempt churches from participating in politics. Now a lot of people are upset because theyre afraid religion is going to have too much influence on politics. But i go to church. And heres the thing am im afraid its going to get politics all over my religion. We dont want our churches to end up Like Congress with all the democrats is thing on one side of the pews and all the republicans on the other. Somebody will filibuster the ourer father and it will broadcast on the see span. But maybe god wants it this way. No way, stephen, no way. Stephen god, is that you, hey, its god, everybody. Yes, yes, hi there. Hi, everybody. God is in the hizy. Actually im everywhere, im omni present. What are you going to do. Stephen so god, you dont think churches should be more political . Of course not, politics just confuses, me, stephen. I was sure it was going to be jeb, jeb so come on, the guy is a fountain of charisma. Stephen i understand. So you dont talk an active role in elections. No, im too busy deciding important things like football. You got to love that tom brady. They say the man was made in gods image but have you seen his cheek bones. I should be so lucky. I just dont like kale, thats weird. Stephen so then how do you feel about trumps executive order . Well, not a big fan extough orders. They dont work. I tried ten of them once and everybody is still coveting their neighbors wife and taking my name in vein. But even i do that when i bang my knee on the coffee table. Me, dammity. Stephen god, if you had to choose, would you go democrat or republican . Oh, neither, stephen. Isnt it obvious by now, im an anarchist. Didnt you see how many fast furious move years there are, come on, its a sub marine chasing cars, its chaos. Stephen god, everybody. We is have a great show for you, thank you, lord. Charles barkley is here. Stick around. Thank you. Im dr. Kelsey mcneely and some day you might be calling me an energy farmer. Energy lives here. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea heres pepto bismol ah. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Tz welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human right over there. Stephen now before we get going here, before we get going here i just want to let everybody know once again that im coming up on my 20th anniversary of working in late night. I started over at the the old show, the show before that, jon stewart back in 1997. And cheers and applause . Stephen were not on the air for the week of my anniversary so instead next tuesday were going to have on my old friends jon stewart, were going to have on john oliver, sam bee, ed helms and rob cord dree are all corddry and are going to be here, maybe others. Now jon, speaking of surprises, you have some very talented and wonderful guests, please explain who is sitting with the band. Jon celebrating the 65th birthday of the late great sharon jones, we have the da applause . Stephen thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being here. Always wonderful to have you and sharon here on this show or the old show, and she will always be remembered with great pleasure and great love. Thank you so much for being here on the show tonight. Now ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an 11 time nba allstar and the owner of the worst golf swing i have ever seen. Please welcome Charles Barkley. applause how are you doing. Stephen im doing fine. You owe me some money, dont you. Stephen i do because i said the last time were you on swing which is. Ledge enary. Stephen is terrible. And we made a bet, and the bet was i said that the warriors would win last year. And you were wrong. Stephen i was wrong. Let it roll off your tongue. Stephen i was wrong and we bet a round of golf, i would pay for a round of golf. We are. Stephen where, when and how much will this cost me. It depens on the golf course. Stephen where do you like to play . We can play in philadelphia or new york it doesnt matter to me. I tell you what i do, since i am a goods guy. You want to run the game again and make it two rounds again and im still going against the warriors. Stephen i will go with the warriors this time because i think they are hungry. They were hungary last time. Stephen they are hungrier this time, they have something to prove this time, lebron is going to be soft because hes already got it. Lebron is not soft. Is he a lot of things but soft aint one of them, yeah. I was hoping to catch a knicks playoff game when was up here, what happened. Just stephen theyre off playing with ringling right now, i think. No, so okay, the nba playoffs have started. When do i need to start paying attention . Because i enjoy the last five minutes of every basketball game. Thats a big miss. Stephen what are you talking about. That is a myth you like to watch the last five minutes. Stephen it is not a myth that that is what i like. Okay, listen, the playoffs are tbing on light now. Its exciting. Houston is playing great, the kafs playing great,. Stephen warriors. Warriors are playing phenomenal. Stephen killing it. Isaiah thomas probably the biggest thing going in sports right now, with the adversity is he playing through, shout out to isaiah thomas. Hes amazing. Stephen when you look at the teams these younger players, are you one of those retired players who say oh, it was a much tougher day in my game played so much harder. I have to be careful because any time you say anything were the grumpy old parents now. Stephen uhhuh. Like you cant say anything about, first of all, they gave themselves the nickname, they call themselves millenials. You cant give yourself a nickname, i hate that. Stephen im not sure they call themselves millenial, i think other people call them millenials. Furs of all, they should vus say rich spoiled brads, these kids today. This generation, man, we give all these kids everything. They dont appreciate anything. They wont all the new phones, they want everything. Stephen i certainly disagree with you about my core demographic. I think i think they are wonderful, we are the hope of this nation. You deserve everything you have. I have to say that, have i to say that. I understand that. You have bills to pay. Stephen i have to say that. But seriously, speak from the heart. Was it a tougher game when were you younger. It was definitely a tougher game. It was more physical. These guys are very talented. But they made it easier on them. They take rest periods now. Stephen what . Guys miss games because they just want to rest. Stephen wow. I hear they provide fluids. Rest like they dont play every game. They dont play every game, they rest. They fly private jets. When i played, we flew commercial. Stephen oh good lord. Just think about it. Stephen good lord. How did they fit you . Very uncomfortable. Stephen yeah. Very uncomfortable. But you know what, i have been so lucky and blessed. God bless these young players. But they are spoiled rotten. Stephen remind me not to have you meet my preparer. Now ice cube this summer is doing what is called a three on three league with retired players. Have you thought about player. I havent given it a thought. No. Stephen what about you and me, i played a little bit when i you wasnt no good at it. Stephen how do you know. Can i play horse. Can i play. Thats not playing basketball. Stephen its just three on three. Jon batiste was on a National Championship team right over there. Im good. That is the reason hes playing music. Jon oh, oh stephen are you going to sit there and take that from Charles Barkley. Im ready, im ready. Yeah, yeah, okay. First of all. Stephen should we are have a contest. No, no. Stephen want to see who has the better vertical. I saw yall run around and do your little thing. Stephen yeah. And then i saw you sit down and it took you like three minutes to catch your breathe. I saw that. He was huffing app puffing. You sit there and you are like it remind me of shaq when he runs to the board. He cant breathe. Stephen i want to hear more of this. Break. Well be right back with Charles Barkley. Stick around. Driven to award shows, parties and across so many silver screens. We have seen the glory come, go, and come again. But a cadillac is no trophy. No museum piece. This is our future. And it will inspire every car that follows. Intermission is over. This is how we drive the world forward. Tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees on your wireless bill . Only tmobile one gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. Thatll save you hundreds. Get two lines of unlimited data for a hundred dollars. Thats right. Two lines. A hundred bucks. All in. And now, the brand new Samsung Galaxy s8 is here. So what are you waiting for . Get the new galaxy s8. Plus get 2 lines of unlimted data for a hundred bucks. Taanxes d fees included. Only at tmobile. Six of you for when thyou stretch out. T i want you to stay this bright blue forever, thats why youll stay in this drawer forever. I cant live without you, and thats why ill never ever wash you. Protect your clothes from stretching, fading and fuzz with downy fabric conditioner. Fading and fuzz with downy fabric conditioner. From the damage of the wash. So your favorite clothes stay your favorite clothes. Downy fabric conditioner. Stephen hey, buddy. Were back with Charles Barkley. Now charles, it seems that the nba or tnt has just released emojis based on retired players and 1078 of their sportscasters. I just want to point out that your emoji right here is a half eaten donut. How do you feel about that . Is that hurt your feelings . You know, listen, im a little heavy right now. You know, i just got my second hip replacement. So i havent been able to work out, so the donuts have been flowing and i, everybody know im A Krispy Kreme guy. Like when are you driving up the street and that little hot sign comes on. Stephen yeah. You have to i cant stop it. Stephen thats just a black hole. It is. That little heart sign, its like graph taitional pull. Stephen Neil Degrasse tie son cant explain that. No, he can not, he can not. But i love krispy kremes, but can i work out now, i have two functioning hips. Stephen okay, again, the three on three this summer. No. Im not listen, you got to know your limitations. Pi basketball days are over. They over. And just for the record, yalls over too. Stephen mine never really began. Mine never really began. Now you have you have opinions on everything. All right . You have opinions on everything in the world. I understand you have an opinion on a fas end a fashion trend. Pie goal is to ruin, rid the world of the man bun. applause that, that is not a thing. So we got. Stephen because you cant grow one . Whats the reason . No yes, youre right on that. But we have this kid without work named andy. He had a man bun. I said i will give you 1,000 to cut off that thing, let me cut it off on tv. And i cut off the man bun. The thing was, i would have went up to 5,000, well 2500. But i said 1,000. I said 1,000. He jumped at the 1,000. So i cut his man bun and pie goal, if i can get me a little group of guys together and we just walk around the country just holding guys down just cutting off that damn man bun. Stephen not sure thats legal. Not sure if that is legal. I just want to pause one second here and well edit this moment ouin is undone right there. Oh, sorry. Up here, steven stephen. applause . Stephen all right. My apologies. Okay. Thats okay. Stephen im only human. Eye contact. Stephen i understand. I understand. You know, deep in there is a six pack. Stephen down in your naval, like in a mini fridge. Yeah, deep, deep. Its bigger than a mini fridge right now. But next time i come on your show, im going to be svelt. Stephen all right, all right. Im going to spend my entire summer working out with my trainer. Stephen all right, i will see you in september. Okay. Stephen that sounds good, that sounds good. applause all right, sounds good. Now you have got a very serious project right now on tnt. Its called american its four hour long shows where you travel around the United States to talk to people about race. Why did you want to do this . Why now . Well, i wanted to do a positive show on race. And it starts about the situation between the black community and the cops. We need to mend that fence. Clearly some things that happened, the cops made some mistakes and some people in the black Community Get mads at me because i defend the cops. That doesnt mean that i follow the cops blindly. I always support the cops but they have made some mistakes and we have to bridge that gap. One episode is about the muslim ban. I think its so disrespectful to allow a lump a whole religious browp into a box thinking this he are all terrorists and things like that. So that is a really powerful episode. applause undocumented immigrants who i think are getting a bad rap in this country. Theyre here, theyre working their behind off. They do a lot of work. The blacks and whites dont want to do. And really just like lay everything out on the table. So i met some amazing people. We have been working on the show for the last few months am like i said, i just want to create a debate. Im not trying to change anybodys mind. But we say this one lady, she is amazing, is he goes crazy on me because her son she said was beaten to death on the cops. And she said i ulsz always support the cop. I said to a certain degree. I dont want everybody to think they do things perfect. But i wanted people to see her face and her pain. That was really important for me to show that. And also we talk about the mugs limb muslim religion. But i dont even they any muslims like that. Some time around a muslim family and so they can see these are actually real people. And same thing with the undocumented immigrants. I spent a day with them, and they have been here over 20 something years, work four an pfeiffer jobs, the mom and dad, the three kids, like straight a students. And they dont drive, they dont go out at night 6789 they have a system where they talk to each other every hour to make sure something hasnt happened. And i asked. Stephen that one of them hasnt been pucked up by ice. I asked what is the difference between President Trump and president obama. They said there is a big difference. Because under president obama they only got deported for felonies. Where President Trump they are getting deported even for misdemeanors, so clearly that say huge difference. Like i say, i wanted to bring a conversation to it. Stephen what about in sports. Do you think were going backwards at all . Because adam jones who is the Center Fielder for the orioles got called racial slurs at fenway the otherig word, people throwing peanuts at him. And then the next night came out and got a standing ovation. I didnt like that standing ovation. If i was in a crowd of people and they were insumenting any ethnic group, i think that i am man enough to call them out. Im not going to sit there and let them we rate anybody continuously. So i was more disappointed in the crowd, because if somebody is just sitting there listening, you are condoning it. Stephen silence is consent is what are you saying. applause well, the series is called american race. The man is Charles Barkley. It premiers next thursday on tnt. You can see charles on inside the nba throughout the playoffs. Charles barkley, everybody. applause thank you. Well be right back with debra wing are. Nothing beats live. So we want to stream all that sweet live stuff. Like football. Red carpets. And yelling. Wait what are we yelling about, guys . Four. We dont just want unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. Like unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now mark . Cmon man. Its unlimited. Last thing. We just want all our stuff. The way we want all our stuff. Thats not too much to ask is it . Only at t brings you entertainment on your terms. Directv, wireless, internet. Its entertainment your way. Its theat olive gardenver introducing new giant stuffed pastas starting at 12. 99. Pastas so big you could share them, but so delicious, you wont want to. Giant stuffed pastas. For a limited time at olive garden. If you want to be ooh, is that a galaxy s8 . By. Handsome screen. Well, pack that. Oop, oh ok, were moving fast. Youll need a tour guide. Apparently not. Dont forget a big camera. Trinavelg by yourself can be lonely. And. Youve already made friends. Ok, i guess you have the world traveler thing covered. New pantene doesnt just wash i wiyour hair, it fuels it. Gain. Making every strand stronger. So tangles dont stand a chance. Neutrogena® hydro boost hydrating tint. Wake up skin. The first water Gel Foundation with hyaluronic acid it plumps, quenches. Delivers a natural, flawless look. This is what makeups been missing. Neutrogena® stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an Academy Award nominated actress you know from an officer and a gentlemen and terms of endearment, please welcome deborah winger. Debra winger. applause . Stephen im so glad to have you on the show and im so glad to see you out in the movies again because i know you havent really gone away am but for years you were like a darling of the film industry, for the younger people out there who might not necessarily know, your biggest hits, officer and a gentleman, terms of endearment, shadowlands, and urban cowboy. Good one. Stephen i have v aids, baby. I have got visual aids. Well, you know, im stoaked to be following Charles Barkley because now nothing i say will be a problem. I mean cuz you know, my kids were watching. I thought oh, theyre going to like him more than he me. But then he just dissed their whole generation, so. Stephen thats true. How old are your kids. I have one in college. Stephen good. And then the other two are, you know, ten years older. Stephen okay. Yeah, there was a pause. I do that in pie life, evidently. Stephen so you were an industry darling for ten years and sort of walked away from big hollywood. Why did you do that . I know that its a thing. And im trying to figure out an answer to it but i didnt feel like i was walking away, i just was following my life and it wasnt there in hollywood. Stephen where did it end up being sph. It was, you know, i have a family. I have three pretty good dudes that i hung out with for awhile. I have a farm, i taught a little i did some stuff. Stephen you moved out to the farm. Well, we live on a farm, yeah. An old dairy farm. Stephen is jon stewart out there, because hes somewhere out on a farm out there. I work on the ranch. I live on the farm. So thats it. Stephen now i understand that you grew up in a jewish house but you are are kind of obsessed with catholic things. I was very obsessed with catholic saints. Stephen i love that we have saints. Pretty grisly, man. Stephen well, some of them are. Well, no, all of them, all of them. None of them died in their sleep, sok okay. A happy death. Stephen do you have any favorite gris leigh. Well, what about your patron saifnt. Stephen st. Stephen, the first martyr, he was an antioch. He was stoned to death because he dissed the jews. Stephen he did if . Yeah, thats what he did. Stephen im not sure i want to be named for him now. Ims just saying, check it out. But the women saints, this he are the most, they get really creative. Stephen okay. Because c religions is pretty sexist, a little bit. Stephen well, god has a beard. You had a bit of a reputation with going headtohead with your costars and kind of mixing up with them. This is just going so bad for me. Stephen no, its going so great. So shirley maclane, you just insta grahammed this, you and shirley, with a hashtag bury the hatchet. What is that shall. Yeah, she in my back. Stephen she is holding the hatchet. How did this come about and why did you want to do it. Furs of all the only social media i do which is instagram, my youngest son convinced moo he that it was the friend friend leeeasy. Stephen instagram. Yeah, so i came up with that hashtag when i ran into her at a restaurant which is where that restaurant was taken, when somebody else was supposed to meet us for lunch, and we were waiting. This girlfriend of mine, were waiting for her sis tore sister to arrive and the hos years old, somewhere the synapse in her brain said oh, Shirley Mclane is going to debra wingers traibl. So imagine both of our surprise when she is being surprises, both of our surprise. Sitting right here so i could ask him the proper english. Anyway they walked her over to the table and are like oh my. Stephen she wasnt supposed to have. She said no, thats not my editor. Stephen so she just drabbinged shirley over to you. Yeah. I was like shirl, can we take a picture, hi, how are you . Well, i may as well sit here. So. Stephen so you had lunch together. We had lunch together. Stephen what a lovely story . I done know. Now we got to go in a minute you about i want to hear about the movie the lovers. You and tracy letz who is your husband. Not in life. Stephen but in the movie is he your husker a Brilliant Writer and actor, and you guys are having affairs on each other, correct . Well, i probably wouldnt thve given that spoiler, but anks. Stephen can i cut it out. No, no. Stephen debra winger what is the movie about. Good one. Stephen yes. No, no, i just think we talk about marriage, youve been married i think for a similar amount of time i have, 25 years. Stephen in that ball park. An have i three kids. Stephen i have three kids too, its like looking in a mirror. Right, i feel that way too. No, it is the story that jacobs wrote and i guess for me it was about how we live in such an impermanent world, everything we have been talking about is based on the fact that its going to change and you better be able to whiteknuckle it show. But then we set up this institution of marriage and it is supposed to not change. Were supposed to stay in love and have the same enthusiasm and wake up every morning and be crazy about each other. And sometimes it doesnt work that way. So yeah, you find other ways to feel good and then maybe you dont feel so good about thatment but its a comedy and laughter sorry. Stephen so im guessing there is some sex in it, is there sex in it. There is so much sex. Stephen you just sold some tickets right now, debra winger. No, there really is a lot of sex. Stephen so there is plenty of sex in this movie. But theres naked sex. Its not. Stephen theres naked sex. Thats my favorite kind. Im happy to hear that. Stephen tonight, the lovers opened tomorrow, debra winger, everybody, well be right back with comedian sarah tollemache. til then youre beautiful and i just stare applause . Ayou dont have to choose just one thing. Choose your trio with any 3 of 9 selections for 15. 99. Like new creamy lobster pasta toasted parmesan shrimp and southernstyle crab cakes. Come create your trio before it ends. The toothpaste that helps new parodontax. Prevent bleeding gums. If you spit blood when you brush or floss you may have gum problems and could be on the journey to much worse. Of gum disease. Try new parodontax toothpaste. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Narrator to do time is what is right. Ralph northam. Army doctor during the gulf war. Volunteer director of a pediatric hospice. Progressive democrat. In the senate, he passed the smoking ban in restaurants, stopped the transvaginal ultrasound antichoice law, and stood up to the nra. As lieutenant governor, dr. Northam is fighting to expand access to affordable healthcare. Ralph northam believes in making progress every day. And he wont let donald trump stop us. Hey, everybody. Folks, my next guest is a new york comedian making her Network Television bay due debut, please welcome sarah hi. applause i recently just did uber pool, but by mistake. Like i didnt realize i pressed the pool part on the app. So the driver came and picked me up and then he went to go pick up moar person. So i just thought i was getting murdered. laughter and i still didnt say anything. Like i was just in the backseat likeu m, never mind. I dont want to be a bother during pie murder. I was like what was the other option, fight for my life and then be wrong . It was so embarrassing when i do that. Like sorry for scratching your eyes out am i will just give you five stars. Thats fair. I ve dad a lot recently. Hes getting old am actually, he is old. Hes not getting old. Hes like right there. And you can tell like hes kind of getting forgetful. Like i went shopping with him recently, and he accidentally left my sister and i in the car. We were fine though cuz were in our 30s. laughter but it was like dad, if we were children this would have been a disaster. So we just wamped youtube videos and rolled down the window. Babies cant do that. Cuz theyre stupid. laughter also my dad cant hear well, which is kind of frustrating when im hanging out with him because im just repeating small talk all the time. Which is not my favorite way of doing small talk. Like i was with him and i was just like, it looks like they cut the slubs out here pretty short. And my dad is like what did you say . Im like you want me to repeat that . I didnt even want to say it in the first place. Everybody thinks i care about the slubs out here. I was eating a the this restaurant and my neighborhood and i didnt finish my meal so i asked the waitress to box my food up for me. And then she replied with when did you decide to give up. I know, it took me a long time to figure out that she was talking about my food. That i just replied with, eight years ago. I just now im just like trying to take better rer care of myself, i the other day. I dont have a fit bit, i just count outloud when i walk. Like so much cheaper, you know. Just been doing that a lot of selfimprovement. Like im trying to get out of debt right now. I dont have a lot of debt, it is just like enough where i think about it all day long. Do you guys have that debt . One time i did get out of debt and then i was like mow what . Now i have nothing to live for any more. So i just put myself back into debt again. Feels booed to have goals, you know. Like if you pay your debt off, thats great. But if you dont, and then die like thats pretty great too. laughter thats the plan im on right now. Its great, you just buy whatever you want d just die. Make sure you die though, thats the most part of this plan. Thank you. laughter applause . Stephen you can see her here in new york. Sarah tollemache, everybody. Well be right back. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently. Maybe thats why weve been ranked highest in Customer Satisfaction by jd power 4 years in a row. And now you can love fios too. Get 150 meg internet, tv and phone. All for 79. 99 per month online, for the first year with a twoyear agreement. Its the only internet with equal upload and download speeds. Cable only offers upload speeds that are a fraction of their download speeds. Plus get hbo for a year and free multiroom dvr service for two years. And Verizon Wireless customers can stream tv on the fios mobile app, datafree. Get the best. Go to getfios. Com stephen thats it for the late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guests will be richard gere, Maria Bamford and musical guest perfume genius. Stick around for james card inwith jennifer lopez, terry crews an justin theroux. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show