[ cheers and applause jimmy wow wow. Oh, my goodness. Please welcome. Have a seat. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show, everybuy. Yo here. [ cheers and applause finally. Lets start the show, finally, here can we please . Gosh, it was hot this weekend. Oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] steve was it it was hot jimmy whats that . Steve was it hot jim it was very hot. The heat was brutal, all around the country. For the first time in years, Ice Cream Truck drivers sold more ice cream than weed steve really [ laughter ] jimmy for the first time, yeah [ cheers and applause this is the first get this, it was so hot that here in new york, they had to cancel the new york city trthlon. [ audience aws ] which means 4,000 people were just wandering the streets going, now what do i brag about on instagram . [ light laughter ] i mean, my brunch . Well, throughout the weekend, people came up with interesting ways to beat the heat. Check out what one guy did when he had to swing by the store s surveillance came captured a man walking into a specialty story in bennington, vermont naked [ laughter ] jimmy the guy was like, its hot out there. Ca and thier said, are you sure its not cold . [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] steve oh oh hey jimmy very sharp very sharp cashier by the way, you dont want to know wherehihat guy was keeping wallet [ laughter ] im just saying. Lets get to some news he. Over the weekend, white house adviser Stephen Miller went on fox news and said that trump is not a racist people at home were confused they couldnt tell if they were little lies. G [ light laughter ] check this out over the weekend, trump asked swedens pme minister to free pper a ap rocky from jail. Was like, were the home of ikea, we dont do anything asap. [ laughter ] some more news about the president. Over the weekend, a couple at trumps new Jersey Golf Club held a make America Great again themed wedding and t. Actually crashed i take a look at this. Yeah, he showed up [ light laughter ]ye , he cut in right after hearing, you may now kiss the bride. Hes like, all right, let me get in. [ laughter ] hey guys, this weekend was theiv 50th annsary of the moon landing. [ cheers and applause its crazy only 12 people have ever set foot on the moon and nobodys been tre since 1972. So its basically the jcenney of space [ laughter ] steve ouch jimmy some Entertainment News everyones talking about the trailer for the new cats movie. Tariq oh, they sure are. [ light laughter ] and now i can finally try out my new segment, tariqs cat corner. Its puurrfect timing. [ light laughter ] d to cut cat corner for weha tonight. Sorry, man tariq oh, i see. [ light laughter ] i guess ill just put all my cat toys away. Jimmy me on, tariq dont be like that well do theegment another time its just tariq another time the cats trailer just came out. Whens it going to be a better time than now . Jimmy look, we have to move on, all right. Tiits like we dont have me tonight. So, im sorry. T we had to cuit tariq its fine. Memories all alone in the moonligh i can smile at the old days jimmy dont do this. Just i was beautiful then jimmy all right, we dont need this, tariq this come on. I remember the time [ laughter ] i kne i knew what happiness was jimmy its mot even cats from tie its generic pictures of cats. Let the memor live again touch m its so easy to leave me all alone with my memories of of my days in the sun if you touch me if i touch yo youll understand what happiness is look a new da has begun [ cheers and applause jimmy well, asto said, were going get to cat corner next week. [ light laughter ] tariq meow [ light laughter ] jimmy hey, guys, this is going viral. Did you see this Shaquille Oneal was in the crowd for a big Music Festival in belgium this weekend. See if you canpot him. [ laughter ] jimmy its like steve what jimmy its lik wa reverse wheresdo. Its called theres waldo. Also, can you imagine being the guy standing behind shaq [ light laughter ] hes like, you got to be kidding me out of 100,000 people, shaq is standing in front of me . ] [ light laught the concert abruptly ended when shaq tried to crowd surf steve oh jimmy very sad [ laughter ] and finally, today, the first trailer came out for the newea mr. Rogers movie, aiful day in the neighborhood. It stars tom hanks and judging by the clip they sent it looks pretty good. Watch this its a beautiful da in this neighborhood a beautiful y for ighbor would you be mine could you be min wont u be m wilson pp [ cheers and ause jimmy we have a great show im going to tell you whos on the show tonight but first, give itvep for the roots, ebody [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmygreat show tonight two of the funniest men in the world are here david spade is here. Cheers and applause come on jimmy so funny steve hilarious. Jimmy Jeff Foxworthy is rshere tonight [ cheend applause steve what here you go. Ry funny [ cheers and applause i had a great weekend. Birthdayy daughters [ audience aws ] very cute. But it was a hundred it was really it was like 110 degrees. So i was just afraid i didnt want any humans dying steve mishaps, yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy at my party. Steve yeahat thould have been jimmy because we had a a party and it was great everyone survived, it was really good. But no it was really sweet. She loved it she kind of gets what parties are now. So shes like shes really happy eryone was there and loved the cake and was like kind of shy. It was just great. I asked people, no gifts, because were very spoiled steve right. But people brought gifts anyway, so i played with everythinge and [ lighlaughter ] i mean, it is true though. You do see things that you dont you forget, because you were a a kid. But someone got winnie a a spirograph, do you remember those things steve oh, yeah jimmy you put the colored pens in there and move these gears around and it makes different designs. Steve so great jimmy i played with for like three hours [ laughter ] steve yeah jimmy a great gift i loved it so much but shes great,do and she what ou call it she as of yesterday, her favorite thing was my friend got her a backpack with books in it. And also colored pens and a note pad and she pulled out the note pad, shes like, mom, these are all blank. I get to draw. M gonna start drawing like freaked out about just empty paper. Steve aww. Li [ t laughter ] jimmy i was like, we had a bouncy house. [ laughter ] steve come on. Jimmy come on. But hey, speaking of boo steve whats that . Jimmy our book club, the tonight show summer reads . Steve oh, my god jimmy biggest hit weve ever weve done it. Econd year liug [ la ] st teerve htlast year. Jimmy last year. Steve and way bettere. Han the year befor jimmy we never did it the year before. Much better. Ats why its so [ t laughter ] jimmy already, though, the people voting you guys out there are voting online at more than three times stevelawofow tearsr ye jimmy so its like really a game changer i love su r ry , it. So you guys can vote on what book were all going to read together okay this is real weve done this last year. Steve yeah we read em every year jimmy well, no [ light laughter ] we read them last year steve the last ten years jimmy no, no, no last year was the first year we started thisy, steve exactlhats what i said the first year was two years ago. Jimmy yeah [ light laughter ] and maybe well pick which one which one g no order, im gointo mix them up just no real order here we go, silent patient. Okay check this out this woman is everyone thought Alicia Berenson was a happily married ars st, then she murderr husband. Steve oh jimmy then decides to not talk ever again. Steve wow, thats rude jimmy yeah then you have a psychotherapist that comes in there and tries to get her to talk steve h. Immy and then maybe she does steve maybe she doesnt . [ light laughter ] read it and find out jimmy the silent patient. Steve the silent patien jimmy yeah, yeah this is fleischman is in trouble. This is by taffy brodesserakner, who is a very good writer ive read her stuff in the New York Times magazine stuff like this iher first novel. Its humorous, but its also a a great story. Th its basically, guy fleischman, toby fleischman, his exwife drops the kids off, says, yeah, ill be back. Doesnt come back. steveh. Jimmy so now hes trying to raise these kids and figure out whats going on. Then hes like not sure what his marriage was to begin with whatife was. Yeah [ light laughter ] and its got laughs and fun things in there. The gone dead. Steve ooh. Jimmy yeah, this by chanelle benz. I think this is her firstime novel as well. This is like a mystery one this is a this woman inherits a house, because her dad died years ago but she inherits a house in the south. She es to look at the house, starts talkiand finds out theres a rumor that she was missing or went missing that dayls, ng tcalo steve ooh. Jimmy or Something Like that i dont think she was kidnapped. Steve she just went ssing . Jimmy i didnt read any of these books. Steve right [ laughter ] you havent read them ye why would you read them . Jimmy im saving it for the contest. Steve yeah save them for the contest. Jimmy i know the idea of it steve right. You kn voting on itthe people jimmy correct, yeah. I want to read it with you guys, and really but she finds out she herself went missing on the day her father died. Yeah shes in she doesnt so that will hopefullyrobably tie in [ light laughter ] the gone dead. This is ask again, yes. These are two families live nextdoor to each other in new york, i believe and then they become friends and the kids grow up together. Th something shocking happens. Steve oh jimmy and one of the families have to move away steve cause its so shocking jimmy yeah [ light lahter ] and never to talk to the children cant talk to each other dont talk to me ever again. Steve dont say anything ever jimmy ever again no, well, they are allowed to talk steve well, theyre not its not jimmy thats the silent patient. Steve silent patient. Jimti yeah, silent pat they cant talk again these people can talk steve but they choose not to [ light laughter ] jimmy they choose not to steve they choose not to jimmy they choose not to talk to each other steve refrain from talking to you jimmy dont talk to me steve but ask again, yes . Jimmy no [ laughter ] thats not a good segue. [ applause ] dont clap for that, no. No, no, no, no its not a segueat whappens is the kids, they cant its like a magnet, they cant stay away from each other. Steve cause they grew up together jimmy maybe they might be in love, i dont kw. Steve we dont know. Jimmy it may be so romantic steve it might be so romantic, no ones murdered. [ li jimmy yeah, theres not murder in all of these books steve just a few of them jimmy dont think. All right, so thats ask again, yes. Steve okay jimmy this one is called the chain. Steve boo. Jimmy all right, you ready for this i almost want to have an echo on my voice like, the chainnnnn. This is called the chain. Steve chainnnnnn. [ light laughter ] jimmy this is a thriller check this out steve outtttt. Jimmy your phone rings no, not everything [ laughter ] steve not everyt jimmy i dont want everything turn the echo off. Steve offffff. Jimmy no, im serious. Shut it off f steve offf jimmy turn it off, im being serious. Steve seriousssss. [ light laughter ] jimmy so youre [ fart noise ] [ laughter ] phone rings, the stranger has [ imitating phone ringing no, no, no[ ughter and applause i dont want to do all of this steve im sorry. Im a little hot i went to cape cod im tired re jimmy im gonna ad what the book is about. Steve im not going to say another word sell it. Jimmy a stranger im not selling the book steve im just saying. You dont have many you dont have a horse in the game, right . Jimmy i dont have a dog in the fight. No, these are just fun books i want to read with you. I dont own these books. Steve right. Jimmy i dont option for movies steve no payola. Jimmy nothing. No payola. No one paid me to do this. No, this is just fun steve summer read. Jimmy a stranger has kidnapped your chi teve ooh, child, childddd. [ light laughter ] jimmy a stranger has kidnapped your child to free them, you must abduct soone elses child steve ooh. Jimmy your child will be released when your victims parents kidnap another child youre now part of the chain. Steve chainnnnnn. Jimmy its the chain. , ask agains [ applause ] fleischman is in trouble. Silent patient. And the gone dead. Vote on which book will be this years tonight show summer read go to your local book stores and even pick them up while youre there go to tonightshow. Com summerreads. Vote, or find out whatlyhese books are realbout i give a bad description but thats basically what the idea is. Voting ends this wednesday at noon were going to announce the winning book thursday night on the show steve yeah jimmy its going to be fun [ cheers and applause well be right back with david spade, everybody come on back [ cheers and applause at tmobile, for 40 line for four lines, its all included for the whole family, starting with unlimited data. Use as much as you want, when you want. D you like netflix, its included on us. On plus no surprises our bill. When you want. D taxes and fees are included. And now for a limited time, with each newine, get one of our latest smartphones included. Nl thats right, oy 40 line forith four lines and smartphones are included for the whole family. Dr delivered to your car door so you can do more. More rill. More recharge. More rel. Target run and done. [ soft piano music playing ] mm, uh, what do you do for fun . Not this. Oh, what am into . Mostly progressives name your price tool. Helps people find Coverage Options based on their budget. Flo has it, i want it, its a whole thing, d shes right there. Yeah, shes my ride. This dates lame. He has pics of you on his phone. Theyre very tasteful. He has pics of you on his phone. You know when youre at ross and that cute dress gets even cuter . Yes. Or when bu can say yes. Toh . smiling sure. Or when you find that brand at that price . Are you kidding me . Yeah. Thats yes for less. And thats what ross always has in store. Whoa. sighs yes. Oh, yeah. It feels even better when you find it for less. At ross. sighs yes. Yes for less. Only 1 billionth of 1 is filtered naturally. And emerges crp and refreshing enough to be called deer park 100 Natural Spring water. Born better® need help paying for college . So does. Everyone. Strayer has graduation fund. With tuitionfree classes in your last year. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest hosts a new late night show called lights out with david spade which premieres next monday at 11 30 on comedy central. Please welcome the always entertaining, david spade. [ cheers and applause jmy wow. Hey. Hey jimmy thats a nice standing ovation for david spade righ hey jimmy they love you heresh welcome back to th they like us hanging out together jimmy they like us hanging out. Thanks guys. Jimmy todays a special day for all of us because that youre here, first of all. We love having you here. But also, todays your birthday, buddy. Oh, thats right. Jimmy happy birthday [ cheers and applaus happy birthday yeah. Jimmy and you yeah, you dont like to make a big deal of out. No, no big fuss, jimmy. Jimmy what are you going to do do you have any plans . Anything for your birthday oh, we were going to dinner me and you, right . Jimmy yeah youre invited. A jimmy no, me and you going to dinner. Yes, just us. Jimmy i didnt know if you want to tell everybody but yeah yeah, yeah. Were goeng to dinner, and th jimmy were going to go to dinner tonight, wow, im so psyched. I i try to invite anybody rich because [ laughter ] i just want somebody to buy. cause im going to eat and drink a lot and jimmy and youre not paying for it m calling all credit cards beep, beep, beep, beep, beep [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god i called chris rock, he es, im in toronto. I go, you can call in a credit card [ laughter ]co i mean, you d surprise me. Jimmy yeah but no, its one time, you know, i tried to you know, sandler we always talk about all these names, not to name drop yes to name drop, but also [ laughter ] because of old saturday night live stories. But adam once he always buys me dinner. You know hes a nice guy and his wallets about 10 feet tall. [ light laughter ] and then he has to bend it closedla [ hter ] but we were all out or i was out at dinner at some fancy restaurant and then they go, mr. Sandlers here. And i go, ooh. [ laughter ]do i play it i go, who cares . [ light laughter ] but then, hes got this whole backroom with 15 people, and theyre having some Big Birthday Party or something. So, i go in there, and i do a few thsty bits to get attention. Gross. [ laughter ] and then i come back but then when i leave [ laughter ] it was so sickening im like, im your waiter or whatever. Jimmy yeah, yeah i did that ive done that everyones like [ laughter ] get lost. Jimmy ive done that bit yeah. So i go, all right, and then wht i leave, i go, hey, pu this on, you know, my Discover Card or whatever. So i charge theirs the guy goes, sir, his whole g . Thin i go, yeah. I am on tv sometimes what are you worried about . Ug [ laer ] so he goes, sure you know, and then im like anyway, so the next day identity guard calls me and says someone stole your card. [ laughter ] i go, they did . They go, yeah. [ laughter ] there was some 9,000 dollar dinner last night. [ audience oohs i go, oh, my god. I go, that was me. Theyre like, it couldnt have been youre not that generous. I go, no, i was buzze [ laughter ] jimmy youre not that generous no, no, no, yeah. Jimmy they told you that they knew they could tell. My scrimp weve anne over your tips realized youre a bit of a scrimper. Jimmy no, of course, last time you were here was for your father of the year. Yeah, it was great jimmy father of the year. Thats right it was on netflix. [ cheers and applause it was it was a big hit congrats it wa yeah. They told me once, they go, oh, its the biggest movie in the world for two weeks in a a row. I go, huh . [ laughter i i go, i cant believe it. They go, believe me, we cant believe it. [ laughter ] but they you know, listen, netflix, the way it rks you never know it comes out in all these countries. But i play, like, a boston guy you know jimmy yeahe and so one time wre shooting it, were up, you know, on boston outskirts. Jimmy yeah where im a little more famous and then [ laughter ] jimmy youre more famous on the outskirts . Yeah, yeah. I have an app that tells im like 9 more famous. [ laughter ] dododododo thats where i go, its worth the drive. So were shooting and they give me a minivan so people dont, like, know cause, you know, they know somethings shn. Ting so it blends i and then im sitting in this at, like, midnight and then some lady bangs on the door hey is the superstar in there . [ light laughter ] so, i open it. Im so i open the window about a quarter inch c and i go, hey, what i do for you . [ laughter ] jimmy just peeked your eye out. Hey, man of the people, yeah yeah, and she goes, hey, can i lk to you, hotshot . [ laughter ] and i go, uh, well and then she goes opens the van or and its like bing, bing, bing you know, automatically and all the lights come on im like, oh. [ laughter ] the gizmo. And so, i go, ahh, and, hen she goes, heyooch over. I got to talk to you. I go and then i scooch over like a loser ngi dont know why im doit. [ laughter ] im weak jimmy dont mess with her, man. I yeah, and i go, uh, cause shes like from real a housewives of bostonacent, wasted like [ laughter ] spilling her drink then she gets in and she goes, we have a dog namedarley. I go, farley . Okay like, chris farley . I go, yeah, yeah. And then she goes, yeah, its kind of a fatty you know hes, like, funny, he bas into stuff. I go, oh, thats nice. [ light laughter ] but you know, people bring up chris. I know it means a lot to people so jimmy absolutely so, te some time with her im like, thats so nice, and she goes, well, we love your movies and everything. I go, all right. And then she talks about 20 minutes in circles, and then they finally go, we need you on the set. I go, thank you, jesus. So i go, all right [ laughter ] i go, all right, take it she goes, you want mewait here do i go with . I go, no, go home i dont know. [ laughter ]im j were done. Thats a wrap, yeah jimmy thats a wrap. So, i go in, and an hour later, now its like 1 00 a. M. I come obu, i dont see her, i see some people with their kids and dogs out. So i go talk to everyoneea grguy syndrome [ laughter ] i walk over, hey, guys. Thanks for staying up. And im petting this dogis hes like, oh, ths ginger. Im like, yeah. And then out of the bushes comes drunkelstilzchen with her drinks [ laughter ] then she goe hey, we were gonna name him farley. I go, wait, you didnt name your dog farley . [ laughter ] she goes [ indiscernible and then even the husbands like, its a girl. No, but if was a boy, [ laughter ] and then we didnt name it ginger. Jimmy oh, my god i was like, oh, my god you so i leave and then she goes, heading back to the van hotshot . Is that where were all going now . Jimmy whatla hter ] i go, no, im going, and then and then i hear her get mad at her husband she goes, dan, you ruined it. He goes, what, your horrifying lie . [ laughter ] jimmy you lie that said that me give a heads up. Jimmy the dogs name is ginger yeah. Gingers like, huh . [ laughter ] i was gonna be farley . Jimmy gosh talk about can we talk about lights out with lights out. Uhhuh yeah, the show david spade is a new competing talk show against us, 11 30 at night. [ audience oohs well, i just i have three comedians. Its different i just have three comics we do just current events, pop culture stuff, you know, whatever, maybe some srts. No politics, because im too stupid, i dont even know. [ laughter i know who the president is for sure i think thats what im scared of im so dumb if anyone asked me any questions, i wouldnt know so i just we just talk about domb stuff, and laugh and some bits. We did this one bit the other day where we thought itd be funny cause people sometimes want to know what its like to be a standup, you know, you know whats it likt and people go, w the feeling . So we got guy a guy that works with me. Hes sort of a chubby guy, and we got someone from vanderpump rules, antawe just put him on at the comedy store but instead of writing him an act, wjust give him an ear piece. And no one knows its not a comedian so they go right up on the with everyone else, its terrying and then were in a monitor, me and jeff ross. Jimmy oh, no and we feed them a joke, and they just say whatever we say. It was so scary, but it was really fun jimmy oh, my god [ laughter ] eah, it was fun. Jimmy thats such a good bit. It was fun, i think, for everybody. Yeah, its a good bit, and it came o great it was like a tv show or something. I was like, they show us laughing, then we say it like we go, this guys kind of heavy. And he goes, hey. I go i go, hey. [ and he goes hey. Ght laughter ] and im like, oh, its working. And i go, you guys like impressions . And hes like [ laughter ] you guys like impressio . And he goes, you should see the impression i left on the couch in the green room. Nd [ laughterpplause jimmy oh, my thats a good joke come on. [ cheers and applause yeah. Immy thats a good joke its funny. Hes jimmy i cant i would love that joke and they laugh and hes like this jimmy i cant wait thats funny cause worre writing, like, sof professional jokes for some of them jimmy yeah just as an amateur and they they can even screw it up. They just say it it anyways jimmy when is it when is it thats monday we do that, and we go four nights a week after the daily show every following the daily show, its called lights out with david spade. Yeah. Jimmy david spade, everybody. It premieres jy 29th [ cheers and applause well be back. Not this monday, next monday yeah. Jimmy next monday, july 29th at 11 30 p. M. On medy central were playing wheel of opinions when we come right back. Stick around, everybody. Pp [ cheers and alause so kimdryou going for our big e safe save discount . Yup, using the agi. Ive been quite vilant. Sharon says step on it. The meetings arted. Ok, write her back dear sharon, dont mess with my discount faster mommy, i gotta go to e bathroom. I do too honey, but were gonna hold it for mommys discount. Easy but youre in labor . Donmess with my discount uh hem. T a discount up to 30 with drive safe save from state farm. Crabfest is back at red lobster with 9 craveable crab creations. From the new ultimate crabfest trio with three kinds of wildcaught crab to the return of crab lovers dream grab your crab crew, hurry in or order it to go et wireless nrk claims are americas most reliable network. The nations largest and most reliable network. The best network is even better . Best, fastest, best. Enough. Sprints doing things differently. Theyre offering a new 100 to. L satisfaction guarantee i mean i think Sprints Network and savings are great, but dont just take my word for it. Try it out and decide for yourself. And now for a limited time theyll evenr coveyour switching fees up to 650 per line. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. They mad hot hot . Inal hot heres u a shake my hot flamins mixin with doritos hello talkin bout how far back we go way way way way back is it me youre looking for dont care about that i aint sharin my snacks is it me youre looking for dothe original, now its hot. Agining distracted teenagehas the car. The worst. Especially whey at subaru, were tviing on distracted dri [ping] with sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. The allnew subaru forester. The safest forester ever. [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome backre we aere with david spade, everybody. Now, david wow jimmy thats the first time thats the First Time Ever our guest gave our audience a standing ovation good for you yeah, yeah. You guys were great. Jimmy now david, you are a a great comedian and part of your job is to haveu strong opinions aball different kinds of things. Yeah. Jimmy so with that in mind, i want to play a game we call wheel of opinions. Here we go oh [ cheers and applause io wheel of opin yeah jimmy now heres how it works. Were going to hit this button here which will activate the opinion topic generator. Flux capacitor. [ laughter ] jimmy and it will land on a random topic and whatever it is, youll have to give your opinion on it i dont know. Yo jimmy ready for this [ laughter ] all right, here we go. Ready . Here we go what do i do . Jimmy well, i think you should press it because youre here tart it or t to jimmy then well tell you random opinions and then just talk about whatever shows up okay. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, do you know the faceapp filter oh, do i. [ laughter ] yeah people did it for me im against it, because im just against, in general first of all, i dont want to look any older on that app thats like i dontn know why anyone would do it. But i like i want one that when im taller. An app [ laughter ] jimmy thats nice. Yeah, wheres that vention. [ laughter ] but overall, i just think that sometimes people dont look like they do on instagram. And so its not a great idea you meet girre on instagram, youike, uh, is the girl from instagram coming . [ laughter ] because are you her roommate . Because sometimes you dont look [ ding ] they dont look exactly the same you know, its bad for the world. Thats allay ok theres no right or wrong answer jimmyiono, its just opinns [ laughter ] here we go i cant even read that. Jimmy it says, the richest man in the world. [ laughter ] oh, richest m in the world. Oh, its now jimmy its no, not bill gates anymore. Its a french guy named bernard arnault. Is i just read th and he is number one and then bezos jimmy oh, jeff bezos, yeah and then bill gates embarrassing [ laughter ] bill gates is isnt that tragic . Jimmy ew yeah, hes the bronze nobodys talking about the bronze anymore [ laughter ] he walks around with a leather coat and theyre like, hey, im bronzy hey. Jimmy bronzyea y [ ding ] his wife is like, i thought you were rich . [ laughter ]go jimmy here we ready . Here we go e thats my favorrt [ laughter ] jimmy this is an odd one this is an odd oneou this is what isopinion on going into the pool with a shirt on oh. [ laughter ] its mandatory for me now. [ laughter ] yeah america voted. [ laughter ] no, you know what happened though i did i did get some paparazzi pictures at the pool, like, two summers ago. And, you know, no ones expecting miracles from this g, you know . [ laughter ] so i had my shirt off, i didnt look great and then i come home and im my waiter is german at my breakfast place. And he comes up and goes, what was going on in the pool . [ laughter ] . I go, h and he goes, i saw pictures, dude not good. I go, what do you mean . He goes, you have a gut i was like, oh, my god. [ laughter ] i go, first of all, let me tell you something. He goes, why do you pick the most horrible picture . I go, i dont pick [ bleep ], dude they pick it. [ laughter ] what do you do you not know hoit works they want a bad picture. The guys got like a jewelers loop with a context. E, hes liklooks too good, looks too good. [ laughter ] fat, run with it. [ laughter ] prinit [ cheers and applause [ ding ] jimmy thats it, wheel of opinions. My thanks to david spade right there. Yeah. Us [ cheers and app jimmy thank you for playing that that was good jimmy well be right back with Jeff Foxworthy, everybody [ cheers and applause wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. As doordashhe most restaurants across america. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Downlo doordash. First order, 0 delivery fee. Delicious, delivered. Gracie. Ou get everything y need to go back big e. At the low prices you love. T tone] [text tone] [text tone] nice mmmmmm so nice nice but i can tell ymi Liberty Mutual custod my ed, Car Insurance so i only pay for what i need. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. And none of us have ever kissed and were scared. We need to see real people kissing. Just go online and type in how to kiss. Are you 18 or older . Eww. How many husbands does sheave . [ screaming ] cp my parents have a doll. [ screaming ] we can practice kissing on that. This is a really pretty cpr doll. Come on, the party is just over there. [ screaming ] im fine ill just live here were bad. Were so bad. [ cheers and applause my jimwelcome back, everybody. Oh, my god i love spade so much he really i told him, i didnt want to make a big dealfo his birthday so i really didnt do it because i once, this was years ago, we were friendly, but we werent friends. Now i would say were friends. I was just a fan of david. Light laughter ] but i saw him at a restaurant and sent him over cake and pretended it was his birthday and had the whole restaurant sing happy birthday to him. [ laughter ] not happy. [ laughter ] he was like, oh, were not going to be friends. He was like, oh, no, i dont do this. Li and i was looking i was like, wasnt that funny . [ laughter ] and he was like, no, not funny. [ laughter ]wo so i really know that he doesnt like that. He doesnt like to get attention even though hes, you know a star, and hes on tv [ laughter ] and hes on yeah, so but anyways, so i promised i wouldnt make a big deal so thats why i didnt make a giant deal about his birthday, but im going to dinner tg ight and im goin have [ laughter ] im going to stand on the table and sing happy birthday. La [ laughter and appe because its his actual bihday stick around well be right back with Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause it runs on doritos. Want to tr[dog barks]me machine . Okay. Yes [humming, thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard [birds chirping] jimmy . Youre so old. [crunch ] become a golden opportunity . When a forwardthinking Safety System and peace of mind come together at the Perfect Moment. Dont ss your Perfect Moment to experience our most advanced Safety Technology on a full line of vehicles. Now,rtt the lexus golden oppoity sales event. R perience amazing at yxus dealer. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest is thy bestselling comedcording artist of all time and one of the judges on the show bring the funny, which airs tuesdays at 10 00 p. M. On nbc. Everyone, please welcome Jeff Foxworthy [ cheers and applause t jimmy welcome bathe show we love having you here. Thank you so much for being here i want to get into bring the funny. But i also want to hear about whats happening with your life hois it going . Whats new what have you been up to lifes good good summer. My moms flip phone finally broke. [ light laughter jimmy wow yes jimmy thats a big deal. Big deal. Big deal so jimmy finally. Fi we got mom her t iphone jimmy oh, no and if you said to me tonight, jeff, i give you the choice between teaching your mother how to text or teaching your dog how to wipe his butt jimmy yeah [ light laughter ] i would say, hand me the toilet paper lets give that a shot. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. Teaching her how to use an iphone no, way. And she loves this thing. Weekhe calls me, like, last and i answered, because i didnt have anything to do for an hour and a half [ laughter ] d so so, im talking to my mom. And during the conversation, she mentions that there had been a couple of breakins in her neighborhood i said, well, mom, you know, thats kind of concerning. She said, i know. She goes, thats why im thinking about getting my carry permit. [ light laughter ] my mom is 83 years old [ cheers ] [ laughter ] her eyesight is bad, h hearing is worse and she has the balance of ron white after midnight [ light laughter ] and now shes thinking about getting a pistol and i said, mom. I sa know, worrywart, but maybe you shouldnt be packing heat if youre wearing a life alert. You know[ ughter ] jimmy no i mean, what do you say so i try to talk her through this and i said i said, mom. I said, i hope loading this thing is not going to be more difficult than opening a jar of pickles, or youre going to be in trouble. Well, cause shes g arthritis in her thumbs. And then i started thinking, i bet i could get her a commercial out of it. You know, its like, my arthritis had gotten so bad, i could barely jack a round into the chamber. Ug [ laer ] but thanks to new improved bufferin, i can make it rain, dog. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my gosh. You feel me [ cheers and applause i just see her, likrting her bullets in her pill boxes and everything [ light laughter ] jimmy oh, my gosh. O o i hung up and i said t my wife, i said, well, i know what to get mom for christmas. I said, im getting her the magnetic holster she can put on the side of the walker [ light laughter ] and im getting her husband the bulletproof vest he can wear underneath his cardigan sweater, just in case she goes spider monkey during the wheel of fortune. So [ laughter ]he jimmy w of fortune argument [ applause ] yeah, right jimmy lets talk about bring the funny, if yodo mind it. Congrats on this show. Yeah. Jimmy its a hit show on nbc. Its you, chrissy teigen, Kenan Thompson i love the show,ecause i love any form of comedy yeah. Jimmy i just love to laugh well, i t fnk the thing thats about it, any time youve ever seen a comedy competition on tv, its always standup. And im standup. I love standup but kind of the idea was with the show was, a, the timing of it if t country ever needs to laugh, its now. Jimmy yeah you know . Lwand to me, laughter is as like the release valve that keeps the boiler from exploding. You know, you got to laugh and so we kind of thought, all right, we doitt care how you do it can be sketch it can be music acts it can be comedy magic just make us laugh bring the funny. And so thats what were doing i mean, we got standups going up against sketch acts jimmy ventriloquists ventriloquists, puppets you name it, we got it yeah. which i always love. Jimmy i love watching these shows because i always think, like, well i dont you got to get your start somewhere. And this is a good way oh, yeah. Jimmy even if you dont win i mean, have you ever been a a contest an the on one of these, like type of oh, god, yeah i mean, a lot of and i try to tell the guests that its that, you know, just because you dont go to the next level, doesnt mean youre not going to be doing this for threst of your life. And so i try to point out things like, i remember the first time i ever did the tonight sh. Blake clark you know blake jimmy of, of course, blake clark. Jimmy blake clark. Blake clark jimmy love blake clark blake drove all the way over to nbc to tell me, look, when youre doing tv, you get nervous and you go faster. So when you think youre going too slow, slow down. Ive remembered that for 30 years you know, so ill tell the contestants. causeth lot of them, its r first time on tv its like, when youre doing tv jimmy slow down. Slow down seyour pace. And so its nice to be able to kind of you know, its almost like handing the baton. Taking these things people taught you and handing them to the next generation. Immy you told me a good story backstage about the tonight show, when you were on johnny carson. Oh, yeah. I was telling somebody this. So this was always my dream as a comic to be on the tonight show. And so when i was growing up, it was carson. Jimmy yeah you know, that was the top of mt. Everest jimmy sure and so i finally get to johnny and, you know, back in those days, you didnt know if you were going you did your standup. But if johnny didnt like you, d clap. If he liked you, hed do this. If he loved you, hed call you over jimmy thats correct and so youre scared to look after your six minutes, because its like ouesar you know, do yive or die [ laughter ] and so johnny called me over and im like, oh, my god. I cant and then sit in the chair. So we go to commercial and ed mcmahon leans over. And he goes, hey, how come you never did star search . And i said, cause ive auditioned for you six times single time. Di me down every [ auence aws ] but now im talking to johnny so you slide on down there [ cheers and applause jimmy thats right six times . Yeah, right jimmy thats awesome kids, learn soy thing from this fuman being. [ cheers and applause Jeff Foxworthy, everybody. Rs bring the funny aiuesdays at 10 00 p. M. On nbc well be right back with a a performance from red hearst. Stick around come on back [ cheers and applause shopping for backpacks. And mom also gets a backtoschool bag . Thats yes for less. Ross has the brands you want for back to school. And it feels even better when you find them for less. At ross. Yes for less. The world is changing at a rate like never before. So, why isnt education . Raise your hand if you could use an education thats actually modern, actually affordable, and actually personal . If youre one of the 35 million americans, who hasnt finished your degree, well, strayer is here help. 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[ cheers and applause he jimmy making t tv debut, performing half love from their upcoming selftitled album, give it up for red hearse [ cheers and applause i dont wanna waste no time with you i dont wanna wast my time you feel it comin dont want t acknowledge it so sick of fronting stand up in front of it cause i dona st no time with you i dont wanna waste no time dont hear yo mother fathe whole family they said i wont get fa well we gon see cause i don wanna wast no time with you cause everybody playing it loose but what if we wer real with it cause honestly im just too goo for that half love you know that you bee feeling itoo but admit the truth never gonna lov another like you oo sick of holding o hanging in not again the sunrise all again cause i don wanna wast no time with you i dont wanna waste no time dont need to say it no dont even explain it now ooh i hear you lou and clear now cause i don wanna wast no time with you cause everybody but what if we wer real with it honestl im just too goo for that half love you know that you bee feeling it too but admit the truth never gonna lov another like you never gonn never gonna never gonna never gonn love another like you never gonna never gonn never gonna love another never gonna love another like yo never gonn love another like you nev gonna love another like yo never gonn never never ooh ooh Never Never Never ooh ooh oo yeah oh yeah playing it loosedy but what if we wer real with it honestl im just too goo r that half love you know that you bee feeling it too admit the truth never gonna lovr anotheke you what if we wer real with it honestl im just too goo for that half love halfove youve been feeling it too admit the truth never gonna love another like you ooh never gonna love another like you ooh never gonna love another like you ooh [ cheers and applause jimmy yo sam dew. Jack antonoff. Sounve red hearse, everyone [ cheers and applause half love is out now my thanks to david spade, Jeff Foxworthy red hearse, everyone [ cheers and applause and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching have a gat night hope to see you tomorrow byebye. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight setor cory booker, host and creator of what just happened . . with fred savage fred savage, music from kane brown, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause seth good evening, im seth meyers. This is late night. How is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause at is great to hear. In that case, lets get to the news Vice President mike pence gave an interview with cbs yesterday where he said that both he and President Trump were not pleased by the racist chantshat broke