they will be raised in strength. every time i quote that verse. you know, matthew s body was broken, a gun broke his body. he will be raised if glory. he was buried in weakness. i say, matthew, you were buried in weakness, but you will be raised in strength. so the struggle has been not in believing that god exists. not that god is evil. because god is good. but i have this other little tiny pot when there is questions i can t answer, like, did matthew think of us before he pulled the trigger? did he was there any moment in which he suffered? why after all those years of prayer and effort did he die? all these things that i have no answers for. and i ve put them in this little pot. it s my mystery pot. so here s my hope box. my mystery pot. so every day almost i fill it with another question that i can t answer. but what i know to be true is that god will answer those questions. they will be answered and my hope is very certain. i know, matthew was not in
a mentally ill person. there is just no way. so i as i said, california has one of the strictest gun laws around. even with strict gun laws, he figured out a way. if you are persistent, you are going to figure out a way. is so in addition to laws that restrict, we also have to go to issues of why did my son want a gun and were there better ways to help him? we, of all people, have the means, the ability, to connection to find help for our son. if we couldn t find it, what is the person who is a single parent who has a mentally ill family member or a poor person that has a family member, this is an issue that has to be brought to the forefront. kay, people say it s the 2nd amendment right of every american to have guns. what do you say to them? it is. it s in our constitution. i don t have a problem with that.
knowledge of why they re doing it. you have to ignore it. you can t pay any attention to it. we keep what we call a tough skin and a tender heart. do you have either of you any big what if when you look back on this? do you have anything you think, if we only have tried okay, that s grief. you always second guess yourself in grief. that s a part of grief, the what if. i look back at all the years of treatment, all the years of every approach we tried. there i was reading my journal again last night. there were days i d go what if we had done this, what if we had done that? the what if springs to mind for me if, for example, if i was in your position, and thank god i m not. if i had been, what if knowing he d acquired an illegal gun you had reported that to the authorities? now, you already said, kay, he always said if you call the police, i ll kill myself. so, obviously, an incredibly difficult what if.
yeah. but he kept trying. he wanted one as far as you re aware for only one purpose? only one purpose. because he knew it would end it for him and he was just so determined. when did he finally get this gun? a month before he took his life. do you know how he got it? who he got it from? he told me that he he told me everything. he told me that he found somebody finally on the internet who would sell it to him. it had to be super encrypted and it had to be this whole process. he begged me to help him because he couldn t figure out the process. again, there are so many moments of terrible choses with mental illness. here is my son is terrible pain begging me to help him to get a means to end his pain. it s like, my son, i can t do that. i can help you live. i will do anything to help you live. i cannot help you take your life. he finally through great struggle was able to figure it out.