Page 102 - Doesnt Work News Today

A lot of people dont know. i was dirty when i started. i sound like everybody else. i said i wonder if i can pick it up. and i did. >> i hate standing behind people at mcdonalds. people act like they aint never been to mcdonalds. it is the same menu. uh, give me a -- let me see if you have -- you know what they got. >> i dont care how you do it. if that joke doesnt work without the cuss words, its not a joke. it should be able to swing both ways. then youve got yourself a routine. >> those are c...

Have jokes and there would be like, you cant do that joke because you say crack head. and im like, i did this joke in front of the pope a week ago. >> some people dont like religion jokes. especially the ones going to hell biffle the way, to most comedians, saying you cant do something might as well be saying you should do this. there are plenty of comedians, just dont curse. and theyll go up there and curse immediately. >> leo with you a filipino salad man. what? are you still -- it is not my f...

[ laughter ] >> a clean comic is a dream for me because i dont have to beg for a joke to get passed by a network or cross my fingers and toes and worry about people getting pissed off. there is no rule book. >> sam morrell. >> on a show like the colbert show. every day im figuring out what we can and cant do and the boundsries. >> why do gay guys get to choose who the hot women are? i thought straight guys get to decide. all right. and the tony goes to -- rocky again. its a completely separate t...

>> were never ready for the season to change. even in october were caught off guard. its getting cold. what is this? every year now? >> he really works hard to get all the funny out of the joke. he is ringing the funny out. >> how many jokes about scenics does this guy have? >> i came home the other day. i was helping my wife fold clothes. it was a pair of skimpy underwear. i looked at my wife, hey, when are you going to wear these for you? she said i cant. theyre your daughters. no, no, no! >> ...

Steinfeld. >> what is the thing in the post office with the wanted posters on the walls? my main question, why did not they hold on to this guy when theyre taking his picture. >> seinfeld is the master of the minutiae of life. the more specific he can be, the better. hes like a miniature craftsman. hes the guy who can put a boat in a bottle. who has the patience? >> life cereal. thats a ballsy name, i always thought. life. what are we going to call this? how about oaties? squaries? oh, no. this ...

Youre happy with your outfit, with your hair, youre feeling really good about yourself. it just takes that one tiny trip to just suck the coolness right out of you. >> she has that joke when you are walking and you trip. and you look around just to make sure nobody saw you. and do you this whole performance for someone who might have seen you 50 years away. where you look to see what you could have tripped on. it is so specific so universal. youre never thinking that was a clean show. youre just...

>> i cant do corporates. i just cant. >> like testing a battery. >> im too dirty to do corporate and its amazingly unfortunate because there is a lot of money in corporate. believe me, i would do it in a second if, i could be gaffigan. >> i did a very conservative jewish restaurant. they had this whole list of words that you couldnt say, one of which was tookis. im like what? >> they are trying to help the comedian by saying dont be too dirty, dont be too offensive because what is going to happe...

There is no decision where i thought, im going to be a clean comedian. that was kind of a creepy feeling. hanging that on my door before bed. >> i just wrote jokes and i didnt get pleasure out of using vulgarity or cursing. >> im pissed, im angry and im crazier than anybody in the room. go [ bleep ] yourself. i stumbled into that could not seat on stage as a protection but also because thats where it came from. discovering my voice. that im funniest when im angry. so that kind of drove me in tha...

This means to the average person if you would rather be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing eulogy. >> those are the fellows that inspire other people to try it as a challenge just to be funny based on funny without talking about anything that would offend their mother. >> part of single life is great. you have freedom. freedom is great. but i dont pop up alone in bed saying, i can do whatever i want. im not rolling around in bed saying look at the freedom. i have so much ...

Plan and cbo bipartisan, said the number is more like 51 to $93 trillion depending on you break down the different parts i mean, even in sort of bipartisan press, the economists calling deeply unserious plan, you had one of president obamas former energy secretaries, secretary saying, yeah, this doesnt work, so either there needs to be more detail about how to pay for it, how you cross the finish line because right now its just this price tag and that scares everybody. >> it feels like the adjus...