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The votes were close, and then yeah, it is. Imagine if we woke up a week the graphics are definitely, like, later and found that a foreign 10 better than the old xbox. Yeah, that thats pretty nice. Government had hacked voting [game sound effects stop] machines and some of the votes you guys want to play outside or something . By americans. Trevor right. And we couldnt put it back cartman, your side won, dude. Together. That would be a disaster to our why are you so sad . Social order and, so, t...

In the world who when she blows out her candles doesnt have to make a wish. Shes got that fan going all the time. If youre watching the show tonight, which you most certainly are not, happy birthday. [cheers and applause] it is nice to have something to celebrate. Because Everything Else in the world has gone completely nuts. There is a Catholic School in nashville, tennessee who has made the educated decision to ban harry potter books from the library. The man who runs the school believes the i...

People take to the air waves to ask this very important c bieve its alrey ve it . C yo already . I cant believe its august, right . I know. I cant believe its already august 1st. I cant believe its august. I cant believe its already august. Hard to believe it is already august. Hard to believe it already is august. I cant believe but its already august 1st. Can you believe it is august already . We are in the month of you belie that . I cant believe its already august already. I cant believe its...

Space. We figured out how to stop guns, and alabama is going to be hit by a hurricane. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with brexit. The worlds most unsolvable puzzle. Yeah, its like if a 12 side rubiks cube was also one of the traps on saw. And just 41 days after bore is johnson came in saying he would get it done, yesterday he officially lost control of his government after members of his own party defected to the opposition. Yeah, in fact, johnsons entire day in parliame...

This is humiliating. Let me just tell you. No, no, no. We will get this before the credits roll. Is it steve bulloc scooby dooby doo, where are you . Its the late show live, with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes jeff daniels and katy tur and Jacob Soboroff featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen wooo live, baby cheers and applause wooo thank you, my friend....

Had been altered using a sharpie to include alabama [ laughter ] look at this i mean, after this, i have to wonder if his High School Report Card was legit [ laughter ] following criticism that he opted to stay at a trump property in ireland 200 miles away from his meetings in dublin, Vice President mike pence today changed his story to claim that the travel arrangements were made to keep him close to his familys ancestral homeland which is weird because i thought this was his ancestral homeland...

This would also include some punishment. It would include 100 hours of community service, an Education Course about prostitution, and a screening for stds. [laughter] a screening for stds . Like, what is all of this . Rich people get deals that ive never heard of. Admit you would have been found guilty and well let you go . [bleep] outta here, man [laughter] at least make him admit it in a room full of eagles fans, then well see some punishment, you know . This is insane well only let you go if ...

The United States to misspell his own name. Lashing out at google, and he tweeted, they suppressed negative stories on Hillary Clinton and boosted stories on donald ttump. I guess when your fingers are covered with dipping sauce it happens. But how do you misspell your name . I have to believe that if Sarah Huckabee sanders was still alive, god rest her soul, she would be out on the lawn shouting that his name is and always has been donald ttump and we were too fake news to know it. Trump was at...

But the reality is, some of us dont even get a look at the basket. Because theres nothing more expensive. Than being broke. Wow. That was beautiful. Hmm. Sometimes in court, i actually learn something, feel something. Today is one of those days. 60 days in jail, sentence suspended based on time served. Go home. But i had a clean record. I dont care. But i do, your honor. [ crowd gasping ] before you render judgment, i have one thing i have to say. Nay, two things. Firstly, i bested adam bethune ...

Times a year to check out the smoke alarm in the greenroom. Also, jim gaffigan and dave salmony is here. He brought a menagerie of creatures, including a striped skunk. I think its a skunk, either that, or im smelling snoops dressing room. He also brought what is called a great alligator turtle. I googled it. It should be fighting mothra in japan. Theres dave right there. Hey, dave, whats this animal . This is a finnic fox whose name is bob. Jimmy bob the fox. Does he know how many Instagram Lik...