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OOH, I do declare. Another waddle back into the mists of history this week, folks, to the 14h century, when men were men and never did Pilates. Our fuzzy focus is on the Declaration of Arbroath. You ken what I mean, right? Scots are notoriously ignorant of their own history but even the dimmest of them – George Galloway, say – knows about the DoA: “It’s that manky bit of parchment wi’a the daft wee tassles hingin’ oaf it.” That’s the one. What did you expect? Basildon Bond with PTO written at the bottom? Let us look, then, at what it said, bearing in mind that, aside from the most famous lines, there’s a fair amount of bilge. We should remind ourselves, too, that it was a letter to the Pope, and so it starts with, “devoted kisses of your blessed feet”. Whatever turns you on, I suppose. Blessed be the feet. It’s just a blessing that Orangemen and their own never-quoted declaration – The Treaty of Union – hadn’t been invented yet.

North ayrshireUnited kingdomUnited statesFergus ardrossanNicola sturgeonPope johnDonald campbellKing edwardMagnus jonssonAlex salmondBoris johnsonTreaty of unionGreater scythiaGreater strathclydeYoung personsAmerican declaration