Page 2 - Jon Al News Today

Makes everyone say, what . Were just getting around to that now . Like when mississippi finally ratified the 13th amendment banning slavery. [laughter] um, last year. Laughter or when the Supreme Court ruled recently you can no longer use kittens for skeet shooting. [laughter] [audience reacts] before you, oh, that cat does look like its attacking. Im just going to give you the visual that. Does not look like happy kitty. But these legal decisions are the subject of our new segment jon stewart. ...

But first, you know, sometimes a legal ruling comes down that makes everyone say, what . Were just getting around to that now . Like when mississippi finally ratified the 13th amendment banning slavery. [laughter] um, last year. Laughter or when the Supreme Court ruled recently you can no longer use kittens for skeet shooting. [laughter] [audience reacts] before you, oh, that cat does look like its attacking. Im just going to give you the visual that. Does not look like happy kitty. But these le...

Theyre ready for the pool. This is not what i envisioned. Im all about work, and the work we put into these cupcakes are really paying off in an amazing way. These cupcakes are having a party. [barking] brad brad is so confident. Hes like a completely new dog. Like, no one would ever know. When push comes to shove, i wouldnt trust my dogs Plastic Surgery with anybody but dr. Armond. Brad, you look absolutely gorgeous. The event cost 20,000, and it brought in 4,000, and i feel foolish. To see tho...

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. The guest tonight, listen to this, settle down. Supreme court justice, thats right, today on the show, Supreme Court. Thank you very much Supreme Court Justice Sonnia Sotomayor cheers and applause unless i believe shes coming out here. Unless this is another elaborate hoax by manti teo ...

Well, kid . Well, if you put it that way. Come in, unit four what have you found . Nothing, sir. We just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, thats all. Barkley, out. No but obama wasnt really elected. Dont you people care . [choral singing] obama is president again captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. The gue...

Theres not that many chances in your life where you get to see a problem and then eat that problem. I wouldnt have even fixed my car. Id wait for people to be like, what did you hit . So i could be like, this. [ laughter and applause ] all right, thank you guys very much. Youve been great. I really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] captions by vitac www. Vitac. Com captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jo...

Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Dont forget to see zero dark thirty by Kathryn Bigelow and captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. The guest tonight, listen to this, settle down. Supreme court justice, thats right, today on the show, Supreme Court. Thank you very much Supreme Court Justice Sonnia Sotomayor cheers ...

First, i want to let you people know i am a jew who is in to politics. cheers and applause . Been doing the show 15 years now. laughter speaking of which, ooh, i think we have a new middle east war brewing out there. Thats latebreaking news. Well have to deal with that when we get back. Whats better than a middle east war. Lets begin one more from the where are they now . You may remember mitt romney made a rather infamous statement that 47 of the country would not vote for him because they saw ...

Usually wrong but never in doubt Yes we did. My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year. Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them. The revolution will be supervised. It’s been a really long fucking year. I personally stopped the public option… The house always wins. Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity … makes me wish i had hoarded more linguine Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub. Militantly superior ...

that milkaholic lindsey and the baby goes what? lindsey wants $100 million for, quote, pain and suffering. i think lindsey is a pretty common name. bill: aint gonna happen! "happening now" starts right now. martha: see you tomorrow. jon: good morning to you, im jon scott. jane: im jane skinner, "happening now", more bizarre details in the resignation of eric massa, the new york law maker is blasting rahm emanuel, calling him the son of the devils spawn, and trying to intim -- saying em...