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Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

laughter laughter cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, impeachykeen. Plus, stephen welcomes Whoopi Goldberg. And Tanehisi Coates. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on wooo wow wow cheers and applause please, have a seat sit thank you very much welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Oh, good cheers and applause lordy. What a day. You really feel the ground shifting under your feet. But if youre at home and youve got a seatbelt on your couch, uh, number one why . laughter number two buckle up, becauseln unnamed coconspirator to Campaign Finance violations, lying about the moscow trump tower, stealing money to pay for the border wall, faking the weather with a sharpie. laughter every time every time none of those are made up. Every time, people have asked, is this the thing . Surely, this must

Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713

Children tranned pped in wells, ten years ago yesterday, the balloon boy hoax. A man in colorado made a bogus 911 call, claiming his 6yearold son climbed into a weather balloon and flew away. My 6yearold boy, he got inside and it took off. Wheres he at . Hes in the air. Hes in the air . Yeah. Hes only, hes only 6. Jimmy turned out, the fact that the kid was only 6 was the only true part of the call. At first everyone was panicked. It made no sense. Theres no way balloon like that could lift a 60pound kid. They closed down airports in denver. The kid was in the attic. Turns out his father told him to hide in the attic so he could play dumb about the balloon stunt, get a ton of coverage and hopefully a reality show out of it. Unfortunately, for richard heeny, his son spilled the beans. Did you hear us calling us didnt . Mmhm. Why didnt you come out . You said that we did this for a show. No. Jimmy so richard heeny held a press conference to say it wasnt a hoax. Could you just say once an

Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713

Thank you. Very nice. Hi, everyone. Thanks, im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thanks for watching at home. Thanks for coming. We are coming to you from the opera house at bam in brooklyn, new york. Please relax. Were here all week. Were here for slightly less time than Felicity Huffman will be in prison. Last night after the show i was walking over to barclays with alisha key. They had a concert over there, and i saw a rat the size of a toddler, debt ad in the street. I picked it up, held it right above my head and turned to alicia keys and said welcome to arbys, may i take your order . Did you watch the jets last night . Watching the jets try to run on the patriots was like watching bill de blasio run for president. [cheers and applause] thank you. The jets, as you know, lost to the patriots, 330. Many jets fans say it was their finest performance in many years. By the way, how do you like our set . This is our beautiful set. [cheers and applause] they worked very hard on it. Its a t

Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20240713

Impeachment proceedings like a lynching when asked about the criticism, trump said, wow, now i know how jesus felt on the cross. [ laughter ] after President Trump this morning compared impeachment proceedings to a lynching, senator Lindsey Graham defended trump saying, quote, this is a lynching in every sense. And if theres one word Lindsey Graham shouldnt be using its sense. [ laughter ] thats right early this morning President Trump tweeted about congress ongoing impeachment inquiry. He wrote, all republicans must remember what they are witnessing here, a lynching. Now, the complex issue surrounding a white person using the term lynching is not something im comfortable talking about. But i am [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause oh, donald trump, you raggedy bastard. Youre not being lynched you know how i know . Because people who are being lynched dont sit in a mansion tweeting about bull[ bleep ] [ laughter ] look, the reason youre comfortable comparing your situation to a lynching

Transcripts For KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20240713

Guests jessica biel billy crudup comedian jay jurden, and featuring the legendary roots cr questlove 1141 steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, thank you very much [ cheers and applause thank you very much, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show, everybody. Thank you for being here [ cheers and applause ]. You made it. The tonight show. You guys, tonight was game one of the world series between the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals and this is nice, even though their teams not in it, yankees fans promise to boo whoever wins [ laughter ] well, earlier tonight, abc aired the classic halloween special, its the Great Pumpkin, charlie brown. [ cheers and applause they actually updated it a bit at the end of this version, the Great Pumpkin gets impeached [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause thats right, the impeachment inquiry is in full swing and i heard that today actually marks the onemonth anniversary of the

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