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In america, when my parents seemed very tall and youd get a gold star just for using the toilet. laughter folks, before we delve into the socalled scandal that cost us this great leader, lets get to know the man. Richard nixon was born in 1913 in yorba linda, california. Even at an early age, he refused to wear makeup, which is why even his mother preferred kennedys baby pictures. laughter after serving in the navy, nixon was elected to congress and rose to political prominence as a member of th...

You about corporations. Corporations, theyre a lot like us immortal. [laughter] shielded from liability, accountable tom shareholders. Oh, wait, thats opposite of us. Sorry. But there is one thing corporations do have in common with the rest of us. They dont like paying taxes. Hate it. Fortunately, they rarely have to. Its the subject of tonights oh, no. Thats not. I dont. I did not approve this, and i feel that this is disrespectful in some ways. Its about. Okay. That i dont. That i dont. Lets ...

Victor martinez, out with an oblique strain. Kinsler gets the nod and takes the strike. Harold a nice transition to the tigers. You dont see that often. Tom give him credit. He worked hard in the offseason. Dropped about 15 or 20 pounds. He knew he was going to a bigger park at detroit than what he had in texas. In order to get back to a guy who sprayed the ball around. Had gas power, as opposed to texas, such a back leg hitter. Let it fly in that ballpark, with the home run ball. Joe you see th...

Harold a nice transition to the tigers. You dont see that often. Tom give him credit. He worked hard in the offseason. Dropped about 15 or 20 pounds. He knew he was going to a bigger park at detroit than what he had in texas. In order to get back to a guy who sprayed the ball around. Had gas power, as opposed to texas, such a back leg hitter. Let it fly in that ballpark, with the home run ball. Joe you see the numbers and what kinslers done in the American League, with now the detroit tigers, lo...

The last gaza war in that it is happening now. laughter and for those of you that dont know, i taped this show earlier in the evening. So we dont have a lot of information on these stories. But we will have complete coverage of both of these stories on tomorrow nights show and im im being told we do not have a show on friday nights. laughter okay. Oh thank god. laughter those are really depressing. cheers and applause stephen those are really depressing stories. Lets turn to a lighter story. Chi...

Hold de blasio seat to defire because we all know what this man is. Mayor de blasio is a socialist, all right. Hes just flat out a socialist. Americas leading leftist, mr. Tax the rip, the mayor of new york bill de blasio. Bill de blasio, this your mean socialist. I think bill de blasio is a socialette, i call him comrade mayor. Comrade mayor bill de blasio is going to sock it to the rich, sock it to wall street. I wouldnt be surprised if wall street leaves new york. Stephen thats right. Thats r...

Be saying aloha to another laughter this is the colbert report cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central eagle caw cheers and applause welcome to the report thanks for joining us audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome welcome, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause stephen folks. Folks. Im sure you know, but americas relationship with russia continues to degrade. Finally, a true strong leader stepped up to punish russia and, no surprise, its vladimir putin. laughter ...

Do it for me. The many impeachable offenses of Hannah Baumgartner can barack obama can no longer be ignored. So its time to impeach. Jon its time to impeach. Actually, i think its time to stop checking sarah palins facebook page, but she posts such cute pictures of baby gun. [laughter] well, since clicking on that page there already caused facebook to change all my popup ads to snow machine and moose clubbing products, lets stay with it. Enough is enough of the years of abuse from this president...

I mean, i got to tell you, if my name was jason and i wasnt here, i would be very upset about this show. But were wishing you the best, jason. Get home safe and then come and see wu tang with us. But before we get to that, which history in the making, political primary season still happening. Last night huge news results in the g. O. P. Tea party versus establishment civil war. That has been pitting young, hardline, Rightwing Tea Party obstructionists against older ones. [laughter] its the subje...

Thank you for joining us. My name is jon stewart. Tonights guest, actress emma stone is going to join us. A couple actors talking. All right. One actor talking. [laughter] but first, the real question is this what time is it . Did you really just shout party time . You didnt recognize im setting up a bit of a routine here . [laughter] just got out of college, just a reflex. What time is it . Party time a little bit quiet now. A little bit quiet now. You may be thinking to yourself, time have the...