Page 19 - Rob Ford News Today

Praising me, tonight i have to start with a praise for you, the colbert nation. Because last week, folks, i called out china for donating a measly 100,000 in cash to typhoon victims in the philippines. Evidently china cant relate to storm damage because their air is too thick to actually move. laughter folks, i was so upset that i called on you, the nation, to outdo china by texting colbert to 50555 to donate 10 to convoy of hope, philippines relief effort. And thousands of texts poured in as di...

Jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our program tonight we prepared it. My guest House Minority leader nancy pelosi will be joining us of the united state congress. [cheers and applause] thats honestly the only applause the United States congress has gotten in [laughter] god knows how long. First weve seen a lot of reaction to tuesdays state of the union address. Perhaps the most alarming reaction came from senator Lindsey Graham who told roll call that the world is literally ...

Folks, as much as i love you praising me, tonight i have to start with a praise for you, the colbert nation. Because last week, folks, i called out china for donating a measly 100,000 in cash to typhoon victims in the philippines. Evidently china cant relate to storm damage because their air is too thick to actually move. laughter folks, i was so upset that i called on you, the nation, to outdo china by texting colbert to 50555 to donate 10 to convoy of hope, philippines relief effort. And thous...

My guest House Minority leader nancy pelosi will be joining us of the united state congress. [cheers and applause] thats honestly the only applause the United States congress has gotten in [laughter] god knows how long. First weve seen a lot of reaction to tuesdays state of the union address. Perhaps the most alarming reaction came from senator Lindsey Graham who told roll call that the world is literally about to blow up. I wish it had been on camera. I cant help but wonder what it must have so...

Ass, okay. Kick this ass, thats all. Im not asking, im telling with this. Kick my ass. Jon i cant believe this. The web site, the web site fiasco has basically turned our president into artie. But of course for every cloud there is a silver lining. Certainly the rollout for the president s signature legislative accomplishment has been rough. But at least it has not been mayor of front rocky. Or as the mayor is now referred to the cracksmoking mayor of toronto laughter cheers and applause jon tor...

Matt lauer made such a convincing baywatch babe on halloween, the network demanded gender confirmation. Lets go to the action. This is a digital rechtal exam. So you guy goes off. Were to the going to show it, the camera will stay out here. Did it hurt. It doesnt hurt at all. And it took 34 seconds. Yes, 34 seconds. Because everyone knows the best medicine is the fastest medicine. Thats why you race for the cure. And this doctor samadi chief urologist at Lenox Hill Hospital is a prostate prompt ...

Jon thats our show, here it is, our moment of zen. When it came to appearances, superficial things that the men dont ever seem to hear much about. But a woman candidate will. Governor christie cares captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen tonight, the president does damage control on obamacare. If you like your burst appendix, you can keep it. laughter then scandal surrounds a popular clothing...

Of the united state congress. [cheers and applause] thats honestly the only applause the United States congress has gotten in [laughter] god knows how long. First weve seen a lot of reaction to tuesdays state of the union address. Perhaps the most alarming reaction came from senator Lindsey Graham who told roll call that the world is literally about to blow up. I wish it had been on camera. I cant help but wonder what it must have sounded like when Lindsey Graham said that. How would that sound ...

[singing in japanese] princess kenny. [singing continues] [dramatic chords] oh, god, were done for my friends, the time is almost here. Let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall Security Officers before us. [cell phone rings] commander marsh. Theyre what . Theyre going to what . Tom, we have breaking news from the south park mall. In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push black friday by one week. Aw what . The genius idea was proposed by george...

Its because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. [cheers and applause] oh, im so glad its over, sharon, arent you . We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. Boys, how does it feel to be free of your illness . I guess it feels great. Thanks. Yeah, it feels great i never wanna see bush again i finally paid a lady to show me hers. You wanna know whats under that bush . Nothing but a pair of sick joker lips i am so happy that i am cured and no longer have any desire to have sex...