Trash Report News Today

What's happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to The Trash Report: President's Day Edition! Today we'll be asking the hottest question: WWGWD? Yes, Trash Pandas, that's What Would George Washington do? Warning: the Founding Fathers were problematic to say the least, so he will be a bad judge. Today is one of those holidays that some employers honor and some have never heard of; if you have to work today, simply let your boss know that they'll...

Happy new year, darling baby Trash Pandas! Welcome to the first Trash Report of 2024. The changing of the year is always a great time on social media, when the worst people you've ever known profess exactly the wrong goals for the coming year. The meanest and messiest people are planning to rise above toxicity this year, and you love to see it. By that I mean, we will love watching them try. And there's...

Listen up, sluts: it's me, Elinor Jones, bringing you another Trash Report despite the fact that Al Gore's internet is full of SALES, SALES, SALES, and all I want to do is SPENDDDDDD MONEYYYYYYY! Every time I fire up my laptop I accidentally do zero work but buy four sweaters; science can't actually explain it; I'm gonna look so awesome when I get fired from everything. Let's go ahead and ride out my posting access...

Hello everyone, and welcome to another Trash Report, with me, Elinor Jones, the queen raccoon of garbage mountain. This column goes live at 10 am, which I know will feel like 11 am today, and you will be angry that I'm late when in fact you should be mad at the old-timey farmers who put us in the whole clock-change mess in the first place. We all wanted The Price is Right to have started...

Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. I'm your girl, Elinor Jones, constantly weirded out about how Elinor (or Eleanor) is such a popular name for little kids these days when I was a stone-cold freak for having a name like that in the '90s. Now if you see me in public and call out "Elinor!" I will not even turn my head, so jilted am I for getting my hopes...

What's up, besties? It's me, Elinor Jones, here with your weekly dose of news and gossip and cute stories. I don't know about you, but I have been very sad lately! Hopefully the next few minutes together can provide you the briefest respite from the beginning of the end. Let's Trash Report this bitch. The Helpers are Agents of Chaos According to a meme that always surfaces in the hardest of times, Mr. Rogers once...

Hello there, sexy things. It's another week, and thusly, another Trash Report. You may notice that this Trash Report is coming to you a day late, and that is because I am one of many workers who got to enjoy yesterday off in honor of Labor Day. Thank you, Unions, for your hard and disruptive work! Without the longer weekend, I never would have had the chance to powerwatch Dance Monsters on Netflix, which has...

Hihihihihihihi! I missed you! I didn't put out a Trash Report last week because I was on a legit vacation, which was wonderful, but I barely kept up on any news while I was away, so now all the relaxing I did on vacation is mooted by how hard I have to work to get back into the groove. Talk about a ripoff! Let's work on syncing our vacation cycles, mkay? Everybody else should rest...

GOOD MORNING, SUNDAY! It's the perfect time to catch up on some of the great reporting and stories the Mercury churned out this week! (PRO TIP: If you despise being "the last to know," then be one of the first to know by signing up for Mercury newsletters! All the latest stories shipped directly to your email's in-box... and then... YOUR HEAD.) • Multnomah County to Sue Big Oil for Billions for Their Role In...

What light through yonder dumpster breaks? It is the East, and I, Elinor Jones, am the sun, and this is The Trash Report, and you are my Trash Pandas, and this is how it's going to go: I'm going to write about some news and gossip that I read about in other places, and I'll add a few humorous observations, and you will go on to have a slightly more pleasant day. If some interesting...