THE STANDARD
SUNDAY MAGAZINE
As young, vibrant lawyers rolled up their sleeves and went into a legal war with their veteran learned friends at the Court of Appeal over the Building Bridges Initiative (BBI), Harold was launching his own sensitive appeal in Gitegi.
Frustrated two weekends ago by Sue’s disappearance in Naivasha, Harold is ready to do anything to get money that will give him a chance of accompanying Sue to whichever other haunts she may desire in the future.
As you may remember, Harold’s Prayer Payment Initiative (PPI), which would generate him loads of cash, flopped spectacularly, leaving Harold, who abuses animal proteins, with an egg on his face.
THE STANDARD
LIFESTYLE
Harold’s theme for this past Sunday, “March forth”, was obtained from a joke we shared over a meal of roast pumpkin and avocado, the forbidden fruit, offered to me by Harold as punishment. Gitegi Institute of Flawed Studies found out that the avocado was the mysterious Biblical forbidden fruit.
March forth, I said, was an instruction from the calendar, as last week’s Thursday fell on the fourth of March.
But Harold, who asked me to tell him I was thirsty so he could scream “March forth”, used it to motivate the faithful.
The Kenya Certificate of Primary Education (KCPE) exams start this week, and the few candidates who attend his church needed a rallying call; so Harold had a busy day, sprinkling ‘anointing oil’ on eager faces. By the end of it all, the church reeked of paraffin, which was used in the absence of oil.
THE STANDARD By
Peter Theuri |
March 8th 2021 at 21:38:04 GMT +0300
Harold does everything in the most condescending manner anyone could, almost as if he were the giver, and controller, of life.
That everyone comes to him for help has turned him into a monster. He barks orders and reminds all and sundry that failure to adhere to his rules will result to more than just an exclusion from Gitegi Gossip Club and Harold Assemblies of Holy Associates (Haha).
Many people now talk to him through me. I talk to him through Sue.
Last week I received an important invitation from Githendu, the man who claims to have been the little boy who carried the five loaves and two fish Christ used to feed 5,000 people.
THE STANDARD By
Peter Theuri |
February 3rd 2021 at 20:27:01 GMT +0300
I called Uncle Harold an irredeemable psychopath and he was deeply upset with me. He was angry not because I had insinuated that he is unemotional like a rock but because, well, the man can’t cycle to save his life.
“So why would you call me a cycle path?” he texted on a vintage phone that has survived tribal clashes, two referendums, a Trump presidency and even Sue’s infamous temper.
But I am not taking my words back. He is a sadist, Harold. When people around him suffer, he makes a fortune. And January, the month many people believe should be a year in itself, gives Harold the best returns.