Have i got news for you i'm kenan thompson and for roy wood jr. In the news this week, at a town hall with oprah kamala harris said that if someone breaks into her house they didn't shut which is probably why her husband enters the house like this hey, it's done excitement is building for the hbo reboot of harry potter, especially now that they found there hagrid, we get up pairing get your fatty and sadow couch please join me in welcoming our team captains, ever ruffin tonight. He's a former congressman from pennsylvania and a moderate republican, which means the only hates women a little bit and joining michel she's a writer and comedian who just shot her new netflix special. Look forward in 2025 and fun fact, orson welles named his slate after her its rosebud banker biggest stories of the week. Here's, tonight's first game. And firstteam, you're going to be up first. I'll show you a clip package representing major news story from the past week. And you'll tell me what's the story? here's the clip. All right, so we got a tinfoil hat man. He's ohio, and we got a sexy cat though police oh, this i think is referencing the story of all of the bomb threats that were called into various places in ohio because of the very dangerous rhetoric they're eating the dogs, eating the cats. You're clothes, and correct this is the story of springfield, ohio a little town i got flipped, turned upside down ever since donald trump repeated the lie about haitian immigrants eating pets. And last week's presidential debate, they're eating the dogs springfield has been the target of over 30 bomb threats including bomb threats called into schools, university, city buildings, and hospitals. The fallout forced ohio governor mike dewine to reboot the story on national tv. How did the governor characterize the story bad real bad, and false? it would be crazy if the governor went on team. Monday constituents are eating cats and dogs you don't say that. Here's how governor dewine characterize the story there's a lot of garbage on the internet, kind of a redundancy in my opinion it is the internet is like when you say atm machine, the m means machine, you don't have to say to be better it was a little bit of internet on garbage j. D. Vance, who is from ohio, has refused to back down from his false claims how did he justify continuing to spread a fake story? he likes to lie he said he wanted to create a a new story or i narrative. Here's how vance defended his lies. If i have to just do create stories so that the american media actually pays attention to the suffering of the american people. Then that's what i'm going to do. Dana right confronting the create a false story. Let's call it a lie. Yeah, he knowingly doing if you don't relied on the story of one constituent who filed a police report about her missing cat to backup their lai does anybody know the missing cat's name? it would be best if the cat was named dinner, that would actually make a story that missing cat's name is miss sassy ms richard here earning her name does anyone know what really happened yet to miss sassy? now, you can tell when you look at that picture of miss sassy that their house is filth nasty and it becomes very easy to understand why there was in the fec and basement to the wall street journal, miss sassy returned a few days later found safe in her own basement and being like, where's my cat? it has to be those about lack as neighbors like you former congressman, charlie, when did the lies turn? because normally american people count on the politicians to create the lie that we all follow. But now j. D. Vance is allowing the constituent to create the lie that he it's like if the rat played the flute for the pied piper there's a great disconnection between the between the truth these days in dc, it's really sad i don't know how you fix it, but if people don't agree on facts anymore, it's hard to have a conversation on serious issue. I disagree. See that according to a recent yougov poll 52% of likely 2024 trump voters believed that the claim is definitely, or probably true, but nearly are probably are two very different things we also found out this week that at least one haitian immigrant has a highprofile job that president trump might be interested in who is it? and what is the job is a us attorney who is investigating, you guys like googling over there attorney. He's correct. Points to team member with an important job as florida prosecutor markenzy lapointe lapointe is not only the first haitian born us attorney, he also just happens to be overseeing the case of trump's wouldbe assassin. That's what i yeah. This haitian is going to hammer this case if he can put them cat sandwiches down haitian people, i love you i don't want to be beverages joke. I love you now, ohio law enforcement their focus has been on all of the craziness that's been happening in springfield, which means they're late to respond to real problems within the state. The resources are imbalanced, so what was the real problem outside of cleveland this week? and does anybody know what serious problem i'm talking about? because it involves fentanyl. Everything involves fentanyl at this point. Here's the real ohio crime story. We should have been focusing on this week. Okay. Here's something you don't see every day and eightyearold girl drove 11 miles, eight or mother's car to go shopping at a target store outside of cleveland. Driver call police after watching her swerve, you see in and out of the lanes, she did admit to hitting a mailbox, but she won't face fentanyl was involved we know about bombs point. Do you know what the police found her doing fentanyl you too do you know what the police founder doing at the target playing candy crush? final answer when eightyearold was located by the police, the eightyearold was reportedly enjoying a frappuccino i was i was close. I wouldn't bet $1 million. This child calls their mom by her first name so in conclusion, the fake story about legal immigrants cause chaos in springfield. It was debunked by the governor, but trump voters don't care. And miss sassy the cat is really that ditch mike and rose byrne i'm going to play a clip. It's going to be from the news this week, you watched a clip and you tell me what the story already. There's an elephant that said john, that the caution know, yep that's i know you can have, you can have that techno little baby okay sin, its inability to pass this because i know this is going to be an ivf question and i don't know the answer to this. Does the f in ivf stand for fentanyl they give it to you at the end did you have any yeah. Yeah, i did. Ivf fentanyl at the end as a tree. Okay. So you had a baby ivy. Have you didn't had a fentanyl iv? i did ivf and then i got a baby after ivf, which was a real waste to 20 k, but this is such a man question number but, but to ask used to pay for ivf in it, don't work and they just pull it was it worked it worked. So we got embryos from it. Then i got pregnant naturally oh, you're like fuck these embryolike 20 k down the drain. We can save, but also, i've got the embryos and then if she acts up, i can be like, hey this just of the embryo on the wall and the chiles room like right, that footage is essentially the story of the senate's inability to pass an ivf protection bill for the second time this year? republican shutdown the democrats attempt to pass legislation that would guarantee federal protections for in vitro fertilization. I just don't get it. Do you want us to have the babies? or not? the babies? and we get that shots and we make the babies or no bay these are about babies, but we want them made in the right way and that's what happens in washington an issue where people supposedly agree on, you'll bring up some side issue to say, well, this is going to derail the whole thing that's really not central to the maine main point, unsurprisingly, 62% of americans support protecting ivf including a majority of republican voters. But gop senators say the bill was only presented as a show vote. It was simply an attempt by democrats to try and create a political issue where there isn't one i think there is a political issue there on my mistaken? i mean, the whole abortion thing is predicated on it's a baby at the point of conception. So that is the objection with ivf. If you believe that life begins at conception, you really cannot support ivf. That's the challenge. And there are some who can't reconcile that because you're going to have to create embryos. You're gonna lose embryos in the process. And if you think an embryo was a human being that has all the rights of people like us, well then it's kind of hard to support ivf. I support ivf i expanded it for the va when i was running the appropriations here in the not in office i don't want people thinking not even for here. How often people having babies. Okay. Even stranger as the republican vote against protecting ivf also goes against president trump does anyone know how president trump described himself on the issue of ivf? he's for it, and he and he wants it to be mandated insurance coverage would be free for people who seek it you still be reading the paper every day as i read, i am a news junkie that is cut off that. No. Yeah. Here's trump's position i have been a leader on fertilization, ivf do know that he's a leader in fertilization. We do know that can anyone tell me why he has this position on ivf? well, because that's what came to mind at the moment that someone asked him about it let's hear why trumps supports ivf because we want more babies to put it very nicely that well, at least we know why melania is hiding when he said to put it nicely, somehow that made it so not nice for dropped elon musk men keep running her mouth on what makes so good mom. But this week what female politician took a swipe at vice president harris for being a stepmom somehow 00 wait i can help you with this. You can i can you because i feel like it's right on the tip of your tongue. You want initials. What do you want? how do i help you? how do i help you? help me, help? are you have the answer? i do. Okay. Just say, sarah huckabee sanders. Sarah huckabee sanders say something worse it can be so. He's going to yeah. Well, saying her name is in a bad thing. He has like an say it three times because like a drooping the answer is sarah huckabee sanders. Let's see what she said at a trump rally in arkansas this week so my kids keep me humble unfortunately kamala harris doesn't have anything keeping her humble. I think what sarah huckabee sanders said about kamala harris is not a fair assertion to say that she has no one at home to keep her humble is not true when she has this person hey sanders kids said to help keep her humble, were voting democrat sopper let's like your car to target i'm back how sarah huckabee sanders kids keep her humble sweet daughter reaches up, pats my shoulder and says, it's ok, mommy, one day you can be pretty too everybody close her eyes. Imagine saying that to your mother my way to target you, say that once i feel like i could play sarah huckabee sanders in the movie version of sarah huckabee sanders think my god, i looked do you think sarah huckabee sanders was like a yes to fight version of tom brady brady like that at all this is the kind of astute political analysis that got you elected 13 times now, 13 times undefeated and unindicted apologize petition like the measure of whether or not you succeeded. It's just whether or not you went to jail do you have any votes that you regret? you know, early in my career i voted against marriage equality and i corrected myself later in life, but i was that was when i married a man. I did not i did not. I don't team. My news republicans and democrats need to quit juggling other people's eggs because something's going to break. And governor sanders, daughter needs to sign up for a roast battle without take a quick break, and come right back, but warming up the catheter to give michael an embryo of his own moments that took culture over the edge. People are watching and then our world change. It had an hello said reverberation tv on the edge next sunday at nine on cnn love it when people say that something's impossible i see that as a challenge birthday, marty. Oh, no, yeah. Let me get this too kind of her unlimited 2% cash back the wells fargo active cash credit card lowe's knows it's easier to make the right calls when you have the right team, cj stroud putting up points with my lows rewards, he is really cleaning up my math is the card he's got to look cleaning supplies as current instore online. Our lows team has you covered give me a hot pink cosmopolitan and some drama recent twist, that give me an early morning tea time in a bloody mary was killed along not give me a cocktail with catalin vodka you might wonder john legend how do you keep your voice down until legendary? honey and how do i keep my protection against covid19 uptodate with a covid shot this season designed for recent variants, you can get your covid night 19 shot when getting your flu shot, if you're do for both as recommended by the cdc, russia the better ask your health care provider about getting this season's covid19 shot when getting your flu shot it's got, it's just perfect for fall, right? feature long. Now to strengthen rwds all winter for pet alone next spring, i didn't know all this says it right there on the back. Right there on the back. Yes, it does san francisco's been through tough times. 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Now every weekday morning, here are the five things you need to know to start your day, get the news, you need about this for an earnings call headline in five minutes or less? hello, cnn's five things with kate bolduan, streaming weekdays on cnn. Com and max carb. Winning is everything's stupid. Saturday, october 5th on cnn for you? it's time now for the offender meter. Here's how it works. This is the offender meter, the index of everyone who's made people mad this week, teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did and who they offended. Let's get to it. And brynn charlie, this is your offender he's offending everyone by hitting this. Nope tenant governor of north carolina, mark robinson. Yeah, it's good and it shows extremely long history. We have someone on the centimeter, two weeks in a row unprecedented. Republican nominee for governor of north carolina, mark robinson, seen here telling steve urkel to get out of his house robinson offend? me news robinson, defendant pretty much everybody. Cnn first reported on thursday that over a decade ago, robinson made comments on a porn site in which he referred to himself as a black nazi and expressed support for reinstating slavery now, what's cool know how slavery works because you, you, those slave you can build a house by yourself i'm not going to say that this is a plot by the democrats to derail mark robinson's campaign. But looking at some of the stuff that he's alleged to have been commenting on on the porn site. All of it didn't feel like stuff a black dude would say some of the verbiage. It does feel like i wonder writer would say to be when a white person pretends that black people vandalized, they put blanche rule have a guest to the name of the pornographic website where mark robinson was so active say it, pornhub, know that would be normal africa the website will mark robinson said all this crazy was nude africa and check out their logo. Look at this the world's most amateur black sites the work and by imagery, fonts yeah, know, be fair, be fair. That was cutting edge comic sans font in late 90s when i was a kid nude, africa was national geographic like that's yeah. Did you never look at national geographic that passed his foreign or we were kids i'll say this, whatever you say on a porn site comment room, you meant that that you got that post orgasm clarity. He was telling the truth michael and rosebud. Let's see your offender well, that's mr. Bsw? yes. Oh, i thought that was one of the minions. I that is popular youtuber jimmy donaldson, better known as mr. Bsw. Okay. Did mr. Beast offend your magneto offended five contestants of his upcoming reality competition show beast games, who are suing him and amazon with allegations of sexual harassment and chronic mistreatment it's been a great week for dudes. Yeah yeah. That's what mr. Boost does, man, these wow. Graham videos, that get a lot of didn't he give people cite? i did water in africa, but he also makes crazy wacky videos to this, which explains his new youtube video you won't believe what happened when i was sexually harassed and chronically mistreated people number eight, will shock you mr. Bsw announced that he's teaming up with logan paul to launch a competitor to lunchables oh well, you can't do that. The same week that you get sexual one downside. I do think though that if you're purchasing a premade lunchable from mr. Beason logan, paul, is that it automatically triggers a call to child protective services number 7,000 points team, michael, you went a lifetime membership to nude africa congratulations it's time now for missing words, captains, i'm going to give you a team some recent news headlines with two words that out and you'll have to fill in the blank and give us the full story. It's going to be blank as hill mychael in rosebud. Here's your hit line candidate blanks during live tv debate if it's not dies it ought to be the answer is hits opponent with chair paulo turn violent last sunday when jose luis detainer hit his opponent, pablo marsal, what they chair says man named professor send my love my is why we need a second debate we're not going to make them do anything, but everyone's chair will be a folding chair and brynn charlie, here's your next headline. Rare smelly blank wins new zealand. Blank of the year contests far farc, final answer the correct answer is rare, smelly penguin wins new zealand bird of the year contest i did not think you were gonna say penguin this year's new zealand bird the year contest price was taken home by the endangered hoy, hoping one whose name means noise shelter. And of course, this year's american bird of the year was once again a pigeon stuck at the southwest terminal at newark international yeah that's what it is a whole, a whole penguin. The noise shout and not to be confused with the rare american noise shouted being dingdingding game somebody i on nude africa michael arose, but here's your headline. The apprentice producers were shot by trump's blank intellect his musty carpet, and that is not a euphemism. I say smell. Yeah, you're both right points. Why answer is the apprentice producers were shot by trump's musty carpet producers was shocked by the sorry state of trump tower when they visited saying that there was a musty carpet odor that followed them like an invisible cloud i think this does begged the question now, does the musty carpet matched the musty drapes roy roy he's asking, i can