I have decided to run for president of the United States. cheers and applause larry yay. John kasich laughter woo laughter applause man. Yay. laughter yay. laughter im tired. Another guy . Really . laughter okay. What do we have, like 43 guys running . Okay. J. F. K. , man john freakin kasich. laughter okay. You got to use that. What do we know . Well, hes the governor of ohio. Its a very important swing state. Hes known for working across the aisle. Hes open to immigration reform. And his state took some obamacare. Okay. So far hes okasich in my book. laughter seriously, heres my book. Right here. And there you go. laughter here we go. There we go. See . So okasich. Says it right here. cheers and applause no no, no. You guys think i make this [ bleep ] up. Everything i say has been thoroughly sourced. All right . laughter every time a candidate on either side enters the race, i think, how does this impact me . I was just at wendys on saturday up here on hudson avenue, and two wonderful africanamerican fellows were there. laughter larry hmm. Africanamerican fellows. laughter okay. That is the safest possible way of saying black guys. Right . laughter its so safe, im almost offended. I dont know why. laughter okay. Well, how did you interact with these fellows . Two wonderful africanamerican fellows were there, and i walked in. I was standing behind them. And one said to the other one, i dont know what i believe what im seeing, but i think thats governor kasich standing behind me. laughter and they said, you better run. laughter larry dont get ahead of me. So when the fellows told you you better run, you assumed they meant you better run for president. Okay laughter okay. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. cheers and applause im just saying might have been a 50 50 chance they were telling you to get the hell out of that wendys. Im just saying. laughter but good for you for having a frosteehalffull attitude on race relations. Okay. Good for you kasich. What else . You know what . They said it couldnt be done. They said it was too big, too hard. Thats what she said. laughter larry jeb get outta here were focused on the kman right now. All right, kasich. This is your rollout. Come on. Hit me with some of that classic kasich charisma. Kasichma, if you will. laughter its teachers and preachers and moms and dads and doctors construction workers. laughter the suns coming up. I told them that the sun would come up again. It hasnt reached its zenith but the sun is rising. laughter larry what the [ bleep ] . The sun is rising . Okay. Enough, enough. Im through. Whats trump doing . laughter they would say im one of the smartest people anywhere in the world. Now china loves me. Whos worse to china an i am . The American Dream is dead. Larry yes there you go. laughter woo much better. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Now that the republican field is seemingly complete, i thought id bring on our political expert mike yard to discuss trump and which candidate might have the best chance of winning the black vote. Mike yard, everybody. cheers and applause how you doing, mike . Hey, whats up, larry . Larry so, mike, it sounds like john kasich is trying to sound inclusive. Do you think he can appeal to the black vote . The black votes already wrapped up. Its trump. laughter larry wait, trump . Arry, this guy is 90s hiphop, all day. Man laughter think about it. Trump likes gold. laughter he rolls deep. He had his own vodka. laughter hes got his own cologne. laughter hes got tons of baby mamas. laughter hes had court appearances. And hes dealt with bankruptcies. laughter larry wow. That is amazing. Wait. Hold on. So you think black people like him because he seems like a 90s rapper . 90s, early aughts whatever. laughter i mean, look, did you see when he pissed off neil young by using his music . This dude is even jacking beats larry laughter larry jacking beats . applause yes. Larry all right. Okay. I guess i can see why black people would vote for him. Wait, but isnt he pissing everybody off . Musicians, mexicans, john mccain. Exactly. Exactly, larry. The dudes got beef with everybody laughter hes like the 50 cent of the republican party. laughter im telling you, man. All he needs is to get shot nine times, and hes golden. Larry hold on. Hold on. laughter applause im telling you. Im telling you. laughter im telling you, man. Did you check out his beef with Lindsey Graham . Larry oh, yeah. Didnt he call trump a jackass . Uhhuh. And whatd trump do . So lindsay glam said, please, please, whatever you can do. And he gave me his number. I found the card, 2022280292. 202228[ bleep ]. So i dont know. Give it a shot. He gave out a United States senators private cell phone number thats straightup gangsta, larry laughter i know. Larry youre right. Classic 90s hiphop. Yes thats biggie tupac style. All today. laughter back when [ bleep ] was real. Larry so how will this affect the race if trump has the black vote locked up . Affect him . The race is over, brother. laughter larry wait. You think trumps going to win the republican primary . Yes white people love hiphop too and republicans love it even more coming from a white guy. Trump is the macklemore candidate. laughter applause larry okay. Open up your eyes. Larry let me ask you this, mike. Does that mean you think trump can beat hillary . You mean suge knight . laughter larry, are you asking me if macklemore can beat suge knight . laughter larry, answer that yourself. Larry its not really what i said. But i think the answers no. There you go. Larry mike yard, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause tmobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. Get 4g lte data in mexico and canada just like in the u. S. 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I love baby statues. I love you. Aww [grunts as bags hit him] [gasps] avvo. Avvo. [gasps] door slam avvo. When you need a lawyer start your search at avvo and find the lawyer whos right for you. Avvo. Lets find your lawyer. cheers and applause larry welcome back. This past weekend was the annual Netroots Nation conference, which is basically comiccon but with Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders laughter instead of a guy who has combined his Frodo Baggins and robocop costumes and calls himself frodocop. laughter basically all it is. And things got a little awkward for president ial candidate Martin Omalley when a group of black activists started chanting black lives matter. When the crowd chanted black lives matter, omalley tried to respond. Black lives matter. White lives matter. All lives matter. [ audience boos ] black lives matter. White lives matter. All lives matter. Larry no, no you dont say it twice. Didnt you hear the booing the first time . laughter they werent booing the fact that you only said it once laughter boo why are you only saying it once . laughter but why was omalley surprised by this . I mean, hillary got dinged for the same thing last month. So it seems like theres a little confusion here over this phrase. Why cant you say all lives matter . I mean, it sounds like it makes sense. Here to break it down for us is our resident blegghead, felonious munk. Felonious, welcome to the program. cheers and applause sobasically whats the problem with saying all lives matter . Brother larry, this is a quandary as old as methuselah and doubly as weary. When all lives matter is offered as a repost, it declares an obliviousness to the milieu in which black lives matter finds itself propounded. laughter larry yeah, right, right. Black lives matter is not a salvo against the grim specter of death in toto. It is a specific rebuttal to the paroxysm of savagery that my brothers and sisters find themselves beset by at the hands of the constabulary. laughter larry yeah thats the constabulary, yall laughter thats what it is. Keep goin, brother. Of course, all lives matter is an unimpeachable veracity. But if one suffers a schism in the very osseum of their extremity and seeking assistance, the hippocratic acolyte tells the sufferer that no limb should suffer such opprobrium. This does nothing to mend the fissure. laughter larry thats more of that constabulary laughter thats what it is. Okay. What exactly are you saying . In the parlance of the hour, if i break my legs, i do not want the doctor telling me all legs should be healed. I want the doctor to fix my leg. Larry right, right. cheers and applause got it. Okay so youre saying black lives matter is a specific cry for something whereas all lives matter is just a way of shutting down that cry. Yes. Larry okay. cheers and applause so basically all lives matter is a non sequitur. There is not a single sequitur to be found, brother larry. laughter one does not attend a reading by Toni Morrison and interrupt her to say, yes, but why have you not weighed in on the movie minions . laughter larry minions . Okay. Now youre just [ bleep ] with me. laughter though, of course, im sure ms. Morrison found minions to be a risible and energetic entertainment, as did i. laughter for what is a minion if not mans true ache laid bare . A voraciousness for purpose, even if that purpose be servitude. Am i right, brother larry . laughter larry i have no idea. laughter why are we talking about minions . Precisely. Larry oh, i get it. I just got all lives matterd, didnt i . Thats it exactly, brother larry. Larry got it. cheers and applause i see what you did. Now you see all lives matter is a shell game intended to hide black lives matter beneath the swindlers devious obfuscation. Larry you know, felonious you dont always have to use so many words. Sometimes its hard to catch your meaning. But the language is the very air i breathe. Language is our evolutionary prerogative. Its what separates us from the uh laughter larry you really want to say minions, dont you . I cant help it. I love those little yellow guys. laughter larry felonious munk, everyone well be right back. cheers and applause we snap it. We stack it. We smoosh it. We love it. Hersheys makes it a smore. You make it special. Hersheys is mine, yours our chocolate. This is smith forge hard cider. Its like buford here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. Buford built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Now on draft. At subway, we bring layers of enticingly tender turkey irresistibly crispy bacon, and deliciously rich guacamole together on freshly baked bread for one truly amazing sandwich the new subway turkey bacon guacamole. Only at subway. Searching for a great used car . 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Hell be at carolines in new york city july 23rd through july 26th. Comedian gary owen. cheers and applause hes been with us many times before. Welcome back comedian lavell crawford. cheers and applause and shes an emmyawardwinning actress who has also been nominated for an emmy again this year for netflixs orange is the new black, uzo aduba. cheers and applause lets get right to it. Were talking about black lives matter. laughter heres what i want to say. I dont understand when people hear that they have to keep responding that all lives matter. Whats up with that . I think what happens is that people think when saying black lives matter, they think of it as being exclusionary somehow when its not really meant to be that. Its not excluding people, you know . On, i dont know earth day we dont include jupiter. laughter you know, we just larry thats true. laughter cheers and applause you think if republicans talk about race in an honest way, do you think they have a chance to win some of the black votes . Because in my estimation obamas gone. So 99 black vote bloc is gone. Right . laughter 99 , because theres a few rogue out there. You know . laughter you do not want to vote for the first black president , whatever. Dont get on the history train. Do you think republicans can get some of that black vote now . If they really talk about race in an honest way. They can but dont try to relate you i hate when republicans say, my grandparents came over here and we were broke and we started from the bottom and we worked our way up. Yeah, but youre still white. You know what i mean . laughter youre still at the bottom with other white people, you know . Larry its a class issue. Just dont do that. Just say if they were more honest like, i dont know what its like to be black. I dont know what its like to be profiled. Help me understand it. You know . Dont just go in like, i know what youre going through because you dont you know what i mean . Larry right. It piss me off. You always find one brother thats like a dime lemonless kind of guy. I think mitt romney will have a good chance if he just put forth apologies. No, no, no. His black ass. No. laughter larry lets be real about this. There are a lot of the blacks who are socially conservative. But they dont have to convince larry hold on. Theyre socially conservative. laughter let me ask you this do black votes matter if all we do is vote democrat . Democrat. Larry maybe latino votes matter more because theyre like you got to show me what youre going to do. Democrats have the latino vote. Donald trump is through. He through. laughter his card cars been dirty for six months. laughter larry mexicans clean his car every day. laughter ill keep it real. I know who keeps my grass cut. Thank you, jose. laughter larry no, no, no. You cant stand up for them and then slam them in the same sentence. Im not slamming them larry okay. Heres the real keeping it real issue. There was this thing that happened in a restaurant recently. I love these kind of issues because this woman, her 2yearold was just crying, crying, crying, screaming crying. For like 40 minutes. Okay . Right. Larry and some people are condemning her and others are blah, blah blah. And then the owner of the diner, i think, went and up yelled at the kid told the kid to be quiet and the kid stopped. laughter can we show the clip right now . Lifes full of choices. And you gotta live with all of them. I chose to yell at that kid. It made her shut up, which made me happy. It made my staff happy. It made the other 75 people in the restaurant happy. laughter larry okay. Are we cool with that . Can you say that to somebody . I guarantee you it was a white child and a child family that she yelled at. I know that. It wasnt no black laughter when you talk about a restaurant like that, i was thinking about it myself because we never took our kids out to eat till they were like 5 because we dont want to be in that situation. But theyll sit you right next to somebody. My wifes black. They try to sit us down next to a black couple with a 2yearold daughter and i said im sits next to them. I said, im glad you were with me to my wife because it looked real racist. My point was i didnt want to sit next a child to a child because we got a babysitter for a night out. I thought, ooh that could have gone bad real quick. laughter larry was that a right move from your point of view . I kind of go back and forth like i dont think if a kid is crying endlessly, i think the parents maybe just out of courtesy for the rest of the restaurant should maybe ask for their stuff to go or something. cheers and applause but especially when it comes it a restaurant like if youre in a plane larry theres nowhere to go. You cant jump out. laughter so its but if youre in a restaurant i think maybe you should pack everything up. Im not really sure id be okay if somebody came over and said to my kid to you can go over to somebody and just turn into crazy eyes. laughter larry is it right or wrong and would you do it . It was right on so many perspectives. laughter id be sitting there wanting to slap the hell out of peoples kids but i have never got the courage to come up and say shut your ass up. laughter . Larry right. Because my grandmama used to say lord, if i get five minute with that child everything would be all right. laughter and i swear and it really would because five minutes was all she needed. laughter larry a 30second earthquake is forever. Five minutes with your greanld mother five minutes with my grandmother. I can attest to that. overlapping talking my son acted up one time in dennys and my wife took him in the bathroom at dennys. I dont know what happened in that bathroom. laughter all i know is every time we drive by dennys, he breaks into a cold sweat. laughter larry i am not mad at this woman at all. This is what i did to my kids. Dont spank them. Dont hit them. You do the pinch. I do like this and i pinch under the table. 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