Thank you so much for coming out. Take a seat. Thank you so much for coming out. Welcome, everybody. Im trevor noah, and this is the daily shows yearend special, the yearly show. Welcome to it. This is a Little Something we decided to put together to wrap up the year. The year is not over, but were all gonna die, so we figured why not just do this . It was a crazy year, 2017 Sexual Harassment, russians, russians sexually harassing the election, Something Like that. Now the republicans, they got to work hard. They got to get rid of obamacare. All right . Because they named it obamacare. Thats probably the most fun thing about american politics for me is that half of it is branding. Thats all it is. The republicans cant fix obamacare because they named it obamacare because, if they fix it, then obamacare works, and they cant have obamacare work, but its not really obamacare. Its the Affordable Care act, but they named it obamacare because they knew when they said it their voters would hear, black medicine, and they wouldnt want that. What they didnt realize is that black medicine can fix white cancer, and so now theyre in a sticky situation. And all it is is branding, right . Obamacare is a genius, genius name to give it because it doesnt sound like a National Healthcare plan. Obamacare sounds like youre gonna hurt your knee, and barack is gonna walk in the room and kiss it better. Thats all it sounds like. Like, youre gonna be like, oh, i think its broken hes gonna come in, like, right. Uh, bring it in. Uh, bring it in. Uh, come on. Come on. Bring it in. Mmwah. There you go. All right. Go on. Get out of here. Uh, go on, now. Thats all it sounds like, obamacare. Its all branding. Thats really all it is, political branding, and say what you want about the republicans. They are brilliant at political branding. Democrats, nice people, have no clue how to brand, none whatsoever. Like, they just throw things against the wall, see what sticks. Resist what are we, uh, resisting . Everything. Republicans know, you know . Every single issue they brand connects with you emotionally, you know . Gun control, theyre gonna control your guns. I dont even have a gun, and im like, no every issue, prolife or prochoice, thats another one. Thats a powerful one. I remember the first time someone asked me that. Theyre like, trevor, are you prolife or prochoice . I was like, uh, both . Because, like, thats a trick question. How do you say youre not prolife . Youre an asshole. Thats what you are. Are you prolife . No. Im not. No. I dont like life. No. No life for me. Ill have life on the side, thank you. No life, no. Its a trick question. Youre an asshole because i am. Im both. I believe that human beings have the right to exist, and i also believe that women have the right to decide what happens on the inside of their bodies. Thats what i believe. All right . But its a slick move. Its political branding. Yeah, prolife. You answer it in the negative, you look like an asshole. Thats what it is. Its simple branding. Look, ill give you an example now. We can do it in this room. All the men in this room, raise your hand. If you identify as a man, get your hand up, all the way up, all the way up. Hold it up there. Now, only drop your hand if you have stopped masturbating. You see . You were like, oh, wait. Oh. Oh. I dont want my wife to think im a quitter. Oh. Thats all it is, and ladies, the hand they had up, thats the hand, so branding is what got republicans in the sticky situation. Thats all it is. Thats how they got here. Yeah, but obama did his thing, man. Barack obama did his thing. He was smarter than people gave him credit for. You know, we got to interview the president on the daily show, which was really exciting, you know, and, obviously, this was the last year that america had its first and last black president , you know . I remember when we got a call. I got a call at the daily show, and they were like, trevor, would you like to interview the president of the United States . And i was like, do you ask stupid questions . Its like, of course i want to interview the president , and we got to go to the white house to interview barack obama, you know . And we set everything up in this special room, right . Its literally opposites, the oval office, and we sit there, and everything, everything is steeped in history. Every piece is owned by a former president , and were all sitting there waiting for the president to walk in, and they dont give us an exact time, right, for his safety. They just gave us a window, sort of like a cable guy. Were all watching the door waiting for barack to walk in, and then he popped in behind us, scared the [bleep] out of everybody. He was just like, hello, and were like ah because there was another door. No one told us, again. He just pops in, and he was really nice. He greeted everyone. He was like, hello, everybody good . You guys good . How are you doing . Everybody good . Camera guy, yes . Sound guy, how are you doing . How are you doing . And he turned, he looked at me. Hes like, now, trevor, you good . And i was like, he knows my name. I wanted to melt. Oh, man. You should have seen him. Hes just, like, he floats it over, you know . Yeah, because he can walk. I dont know. You dont walk. You move differently when youve got nuclear weapons, you know . Youve just got this thing. He came over, and he sat down. He looked over at me and was like, trevor, you good . I said, i dont know if im good, mr. President. Im a little bit nervous right now. He was like, come on. Why are you nervous . Why are you nervous . I said, well, because i dont want to mess up and bring a brother down with me, you know . He was like, dont be nervous, trevor. You cant bring me down. Im on my way out. And he sounded so cool as well. He was just like, im on my way out, and he was. He was on his way out. Yeah. Next time we saw him was the last time anyone saw him as president , when he was giving that final speech in chicago. He give that powerful speech. He stood up there at the lectern. It felt like his inauguration all over again. He was like, as americans, we got to remember that not every issue is red or blue, that at times, we still got to fight. We got to fight for freedom. We got to fight for liberty. We got to fight for the american dream. We got to fight. And then the next time we saw him, he was kitesurfing with richard branson. I thought you said we were gonna fight im fighting these waves. You do you. Its a crazy time to be around, though, 2017. What an insane year, hmm . The year of donald j. Trump. Yeah. You know, im not going to lie to you. I can process donald trump logically, but, emotionally, for me, hes a paradox. All right . Every day i wake up terrified at the notion that hes president of the most powerful nation in the world, but i must admit, every day, i also wake up knowing hes going to make me laugh. There is terror, and there is joy, and i dont know how to feel about these two things. Yeah. Because, like, do you ever stop for a moment and think to yourself . Like, its the most terrifying thing, and its the funniest thing at the same time. You know what its like . It feels like theres a giant asteroid headed towards the earth, but its shaped like a penis. Like, i think im gonna die, but i know im gonna laugh. And you ever stop for a moment and think to yourself, its only been 10 months . Yeah . Yeah . Its only been 10 months of donald trump. 37 more months to go. Or less. Hey, it could be less. It could be less. You never know. Yeah, and im not even saying, like, Robert Mueller and his investigations. I dont know where that will go. Im just saying, i dont think we should be shocked if donald trump quits. I could see him quitting. He could be the first president who just quits the job. Two years in, i could see donald trump leaving the white house after hes got all these tax cuts. He could just walk out and be like, im done. Unlike most president s, i did it in half the time, folks. So much faster, because he does everything he wants, man. He breaks all the rules, you know . People are like, you cant quit after 2 years. You cant do anything donald trump did. Everything, grab them by the pussy, huh, firing the director of the fbi, huh . Think about it. He fired the director of the fbi, a decision i have to admit, i agree with. All right . I know i shouldnt say that, but its true. I agree with it. I think if you can fire somebody whos investigating you, you should fire them. Yeah. Can we agree on that as human beings . If you can fire somebody whos investigating you, you should fire them. What people should be angry at is the fact that you can fire someone who is investigating you. Thats the crazy [bleep] out there. All right . But if you can fire them, fire them. If i could fire a policeman that was coming after me, are you kidding me . Id be at a dui checkpoint, and the cop would come up to my window like, sir, do you know why i pulled you over . Id be like, to get your ass fired. Im out of here. Were gonna be having a fun show today, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming out. Were in new york city. Were wrapping up a crazy year. We got a fun show with all of our correspondents lined up. Its the daily show, the yearly show. Well be right back with everyone right after this. People with matters that cancome to me. Ned, this ones different though. This is the house i grew up in. [ screaming ] theres evil in that house and i let it into this world. I am going to find it and im gonna finish it. [ wicked laughter ] [ screaming ] [ gasp ] insidious the last key. Rated pg13. Listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. Listerine® total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth™. Welcome back to the daily shows yearend special. You know, people, if theres one group of people who have defined this year, its been women. So we asked desi lydic and dulce sloan for their thoughts, and they gave us a whole song. When i heard that we were gonna do a yearend special, i was like, we have to do a song. Oh, like when i said that, hey, desi. We should do a yearend song. You were like, good idea, dulce. Yeah, exactly, and i knew that it had to be about women because this has been such an incredible year for women. It was terrible. This year has been terrible for women. Roy it was a nobrainer to get them both on this project. I wanted to be a part of the solution, not the problem. Men have been creepy a longass time, and i want to be here to support women like the underwire of a bra. You just lift. Oh, my god. Im doing it, too. Hey, youre gonna cut that, right . Please just cut that. Yall got me a hit, right . Yes. You ready . Oh, its so good. Yeah. Is it good . Oh, its great. Its so good. Youre so amazing. Youre so good. Ive been writing some lyrics, here. What youve been doing. What youve been doing. Thank you. Has been great. Once you see what i got, though. Just you. Weve been working. Just her. On it together. Just her. Wait until you see my lyrics, roy. Oh, my god. Dulce, incredible voice, just a talent. I havent heard anybody this natural since back when i discovered luther vandross. Did you see on that piano . [ piano music plays ] she learned that today. Selftaught, thats some princelevel [bleep] we should be honored to be in the presence of a musical genius like this, in our lifetime, a vocalist. This guy. Will never. Bragging about me again. You know, i think the key is treating your voice like its an instrument. Like any other instrument, a guitar, an electric guitar, a piccolo. Hello. Ive been singing my whole life, from the time i was a little kid, and dulce has been singing for. I just started today. Well, lucky for you, i am a professional, so i will get you up to speed. Bbbbbbbbbb. But bigger. Bbbbbbbbbb. Ha ha this is gonna be a powerful song for women. And black women. Ahhhh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thats good. No. Thats good. Thats good. You just. But a little more, like. [ offkey ] ahh, oh, yeah la. You always end with la. Is that good . Yeah. That was great. All right. You ladies ready to lay it down . You ready . And here it is, the World Premiere of song for women 2017. This is for you, ladies. 2017 mmhmm women started this year marching handinhand to show that pussygrabber with the terrible tan everywhere i looked a lady resisted tried to stop lizzie yet she persisted all around the world weve come so far saudi women sitting at the wheel of a vehicle pm, chancellor, all weve reached south korean women even getting impeached what a year for women its why were singing finally see us winning what a year for women wonder woman set records at the movies who knew you could direct when you have boobies on the charts cardi b spitting the fire beyonce had twins thats double messiah megan kelly went to nbc from fox 17 million for sure, that sucks women all over taking care of each other and showing some love to our sisters of color i can say that, right . Nope. What a year for women its why were singing finally see us winning in this year of women that fool Harvey Weinstein cant come to phone right now. Why . Because. This is the year we all stood strong no one wants to see a nastyass dong back off, all you producers and actors end up in the trash like the Oreilly Factor because when you look at the patriarchy hold up. Hold up. Dj mansplain is here. Im gonna tell yall what really happened this year. Men are from mars women, theyre from venus nobody likes a surprise penis but maybe you asked for it its kind of on you we men are dumb we cant control what we do too many men this year acting like stalkers it makes me so sad i got a daughter and thats all the time i got to mansplain time for the hook yo, ladies, hit that refrain, unh no. Were not doing that. Mnhmnh. Get the [bleep] out of here. Out. Trying to help, you know . Yo, hillary clinton, take us home. Ahhhhh what a year for women its why were singing keeping it feminine but this mess weve been in our lady dicks are swinging sick of all this winning its the sound were. [ offkey ]. Bringing what a year for women yeah desi lydic and dulce sloan, everybody, a year for women. Well be right back after this. I remember getting a guy to pay 30 grand. I know its politically incorrect, but i thought it was a good cause, to watch Naomi Campbell get dressed. [ laughter ] and gods gonna get me later. Oh. Oh. Drink it in, ladies. Again, matt . Really . Its the third time this week. Get it while it lasts. Id be a really hard subject to satirize because ive done. Ive just been impeccable. Impeccable . Yeah. Ive made some ive made some small mistakes, i suppose. If you are a goodlooking woman. Woman mmhmm. All right, and you cannot comment on that at all. Thats not true. Because if you do, youre a barbarian, and you need to go back to the cave from whence you came. When ive seen examples of people who, you know, mistreat others on the set, i call them out on it. Im a big believer in confrontation because i also think that bullies are not used to being confronted. These days, my problem is very simple. Its trying to find a place in my house where i can masturbate without somebody bothering me, and thats really difficult. Woman charlie, i want you to know, we want you to know, you make us feel alive inside. Oh. I cant tell you what you do to me. [ cheers and applause ] i cant tell you what you do to me. So this is the allnew chevy equinox. Its gorgeous. It offers rear seat reminder, builtin 4g lte wifi. Apple car play compatibility. Wow. And teen driver technology. Thats crazy. Now to get all of these features, youd need all six of those crossovers. Thats insane yep, and you still wouldnt get everything thats in this equinox. Wowww. Six cars in one. Use your employee discount for everyone to get forty five hundred dollars below msrp on this 2018 chevy equinox. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Hey yeah . I switched to geico and got more more savings on Car Insurance . They helped with homeowners, too ok plus motorcycle, boat and rv insurance geicos got you covered like a blanket houston . You seeing this . Geico. Expect great savings and a whole lot more. My wish was a clubhouse, but we call it the wish house. People visit National Parks from all over the world. Food tastes better when you dont have to cook it. He was just supposed to be my dog. I dont know why. vo were proud that, on behalf of our owners, the subaru share the love event will have donated over one hundred fifteen Million Dollars in just ten years. Get 0 financing for 63 months on select models. Plus well donate 250 to charity. Welcome back to the daily shows yearend special, everybody. Now, one thing you can say about 2017 is that there has been a lot of news. Its like every day, they came out with something new. You know, cant we just take, like, tuesday off . Just one day. Our normal show isnt long enough to hit all of our favorites, so here to help us is hasan minhaj with 2017s top moments in cable news, everybody. Whats up, new york . Thank you, trevor. Thank you guys so much. You guys, cable news delivered for me this year, you know . Ive always loved cable news, you know . It answered the ageold question, can we fit 10 minutes of information into an hour . But tonight, we celebrate the best moments of cable news in 2017, baby. Now, im gonna keep this tight, otherwise ill end up on msnbc, so lets start with my favorite afterschool hangout for accused sex offenders, fox news. 2017, we saw the new face of fox news, sean hannity, kind of by default after all the Sexual Harassment that was going on over there, the only people left were sean hannity and the sound guy. So my top fox moment was in november when hannity explained all the conspiracy theories about popularvote president , hillary clinton. That corrupt uranium one deal. Were gonna untangle this web of clinton corruption and show you how all of it is connected. The committee of Foreign Investment in the United States, its known as cfius. The attorney general, thats eric holder. Rosatom, thats controlled by Vladimir Putin and the russians. Former president bill clinton, renaissance capital, the clinton foundation. The second ongoing clinton scandal. Private server, email account, set up, the House Select Committee on benghazi, james comey, loretta lynch. Now, our third scandal involves fusion gps, perkins coie. Theres christopher steele, senator john mccain, buzzfeed. Look at this, pretty amazing. That chart had everything. All right . Uranium one, buzzfeed, my middleschool girlfriend janice mallo. He hit all his marks. I love how hannity is trying to go true detective on us, but it really looks like an exfootball coach is tryin