[ car alarms blaring ] [ america the beautiful playing ] pc principal all right everyone, listen up. I dont know about you, but i, for one, am sick and tired of all the hate speech and microaggressions against our species. We have a new enemy out there an almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased, they actually think we should all die. They are trying to attract our youth, using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our pc. And so, i have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who dont is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, nonbiased, and politically correct as possible. This is gonna be really hard. From comedy centralsworld news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. Cheersz plaws cheers and applause . Trevor thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for coming out. Thank you, everybody. Im trevor noah. Our guest tonight was the the villain in aquaman and the hero in watchman, yahya abdulmateen is joining us. We will have a great conversation. Also on tonights episode, ronny chieng cancels christmas, how to kidnap yourself and congratulations, president trump, you made history. Lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with a story that took place in new york but had the whole country talking. Yesterday residents of the city were interrupted by an amber alert on their phones saying 16 year old had been kidnapped in the bronx. And although this was a scary story for awhile it turns out there was no actual kidnapping but what did happen was way more insane. What appeared to have been a violent kidnapping is over tonight. A teenage girl here in new york is safe after she was grabbed by two men and sparked an amber alert. But was it all a hoax. Two men jumped out of a car in the bronx, and grabbed the 16 year old as she walked down the sidewalk next to her mother. After a frantic day of searching the girl admitted she staged her own abduction, to run away from her family. She told detectives that her mother was too protective. The two had reportedly argued about a plan to leave the United States for honduras. The mothers Worst Nightmare is over. While there is a chance her daughters legal troubles are only just beginning. Trevor wow, there was an amber alert but mow she saying she faked her own kidnapping. Whatever you do, please do not try this if you have african parents. Yeah, because you will be like i faked my kidnapping and they will be like but your funeral will be real. Now the reason this blew upjohn line is because there are real cases of sex trafficking and people are worried that this kind of story would undermine some of those stories. And not to mention a fake kidnapping will really confuse liam neesom, you know, because every time he keith gets a call he will be like i have a particular set of skills, skills that i will use to wait, is this a real one this time . Is this my daughter putting me on speaker phone at a party i will be so pissed. And by the way, you know what i dont understand, whenever someone goes missing we all get an amber alert. How come we dont get another alert when the person is found. Because some of us are on the streets looking. Like green hona civic, kawtd you. What, that girl came back the same day. Oh, well, fix that tail light, get out of here. Here is what should happen. If someone is kidnapped, an amber alert. But if they find out it is a hoax we should get a Jussie Smollett alert, that makes sense, that makes sense. All right, lets move on. Millions of people will be traveling for the holidays next week and just in time our Favorite Airlines have made a major announcement. Spirit airlines unveiled at new design cabin that features more comfortable seats and bigger tray tables. Spirit says the seats will offer two extra inches of usable leg room and tables. The change coming after the carrier faced criticism over the years about thin seats and tight leg room space. The new interior is currently installed on one airplane so far but the plan is to try to make it available across the entire fleet. Trevor yay applause Spirit Airlines has finally upgraded their planes. Can i just say im so proud . More leg room, a full size tray table and look at those seats. Sure itk loo like they stole them from the delta terminal, but still, but still. And you get a full size tray table trk is a worth thing to drag about but on the right side now you have room to put the meals they dont give you. This is great. So congratulations, spirit. We have seen a lot on the show but this say big improvement over their only seats which was just a dirty couch they found on the street. I think that is great. And finally a major story shaking california. Actually, this story, can we, i will need some help. Can we get, can we get roy, roy, can we get roy to come and join me at the desk . Yeah, i just no, cuz roy has a great per spiskt. I just wanted to chant with you. cheers and applause whats up, whats happening . Trevor i just need some help with this next story. That is weird, you never needed help during the headlines. Trevor this one is different. It is a very big story. And i just need to you stay here. And lets roll the tape, lets roll the tape. Police in Southern California say an artist appears to have sketched the man who stole his money. Detectives say sth a caricature of the suspect in a robbery at riverside festival of lights this month. The guy asked the artist to make the drawing, when it was done the suspect grabbed the bag with about 500 in it an ran off. But he left the picture behind. Police posted it on facebook with the message do you recognize this caricature. The message went on to say the caricature is one of the suspects but of course, they are exaggerated characteristics and features. laughter so i dont know, dont do me like that. So, so let me ask you, when you asked me to wear a red hat for today, it wasnt cuz you thought a red hat would look good on fee for the holidays t was a joke. Trevor i also like your hat, but of course it was a joke. Are we done, can i go back. Trevor no, we are done. I just wanted to take a selfie. I got work to do trevor you look like that guy. Dont its not me. Trevor dont be mad. Thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. applause impeachment. It is when america moves its president to the spam folder. After 85 minutes of inquiries and debate today was timely the big day, so lets see how it all went down in another installment of the magical Wonderful World to impeachment. cheers and applause this. Tz. Trevor ever since the impeachment inquiry began in september there have been many days that it felt historic. The announcement, the testimony, the day that trump and giuliani accidentally switched dentures and talked like each other the whole day but as historic as those days were, today was the most historic of all. This wednesday will long be remembered. President trump set to become the third president in American History to be impeached. On this truly historic day president donald j. Trump is facing the harshest and rarest of reputes by the United States house of representatives. A day for the history books. This is a moment that will go down in history. This will be written about in the history becomes. In is going to go down in the history books. Trevor a day that will go down in the history books, trump must be miserable right now. Because those are the two things he hates the most. History books and going down. And regardless, regardless of how you feel about impeachment, today historic. Because trump soanl the third president ever to be impeached. Yeah, they will carve his face on impeachment mount rushmore, right . Which just to be clear will be appropriately located in the worst place, the Port Authority bathroom. That is where st. So there is no doubt that impeachment will track trempy legacy bigly. But also. President trump incensed, lashing out in a scathing six page letter to the House Speaker calling the impeachment as outlined by the constitution an illegal partisan attempted coup. He just fired off a tweet, can you believe that i will be impeached today by the radical left do nothing democrats and i did wrog, a terrible thing. Read the transcripts this should never happen to another president again. Say a prayer. laughter is it just me or does it seem like trump went through all the stages of grief in one tweet . laughter it was like denial, i cant believe im getting impeached, anger, i did nothing wrong. Depression, this is a terrible thing. Acceptance. I guess we can only pray. applause you know what Trump Reminds me of in that tweet, remember when you were a kid, right, who was going to get a spanking but then your parents told you it would happen later because they didnt have time. And then the whole day was just you in a state of panic that is what sounds like. Like like child, no, no, i didnt, i didnt. I didnt, i didnt do it, pray for me, pray for me. Pray for me. laughter whatever trump sounds his republican minions in house seemed even more angry because they spent the day on the floor of the house competing to see who could make impeachment sound the worst. History will not treat democrats well. They will be forever remembered as the senator Joe Mccarthies of our time. December 7th, 1941 a horrific act in the United States, one that president roosevelt said this is the day that will live in infamy. Today december 18th, 2019, is another day that will live in infamy. When jesus was falsely accused of treason, Pontius Pilate gave jesus the opportunity to face his accusers. During that sham trial, pontius pilot afforded more rights to jesus than the democrats have afforded this president. Trevor shit, did these guys just compare an impeachment to particle harbor and what happened to jesus, did they just google bad things and then click im feeling lucky, first of all, people actually died at pearl harbor, no one died here. And secondly jesus was por ture tortured and nailed to the cross, that is way worse than what is happening to trump. Even if trump was going to be put on the cross he would snefer carry it himself, he would probably put it on the back of a government cart it is not even close. So House Republicans spent the wol day being drama queens about impeachment. At one point a republican congressman from ohio even held a a moment of silence for the 63 Million People who voted for donald trump. Which is kind of ironic because donald trump would never be able to hold a moment of silence for himself. He would just be like lets have a moment of silence. Wow, this is the greatest moment of silence ever. Listen to how sigh lent it is. Dont silence, no silence has ever sounded like this before. I cant believe how sigh lent st. Silent it is. So powerful. But even so powerful lam yo, yo, we get it, yo. But even though this was a bad day for republicans, that doesnt mean that democrats were gloating. In fact, all day they wanted everyone to know that this impeachment made them very, very sad. Madame speaker, this is a sad day in u. S. History when we have to vote on articles impeachment. It is a sad day. It will be a somber day around here. It is with profound sadness that i sit here today. Th we think this is a very serious and sad day. I was just talking to democratic congresswoman who is wearing a dark dress to show the somber nature of the day. The gravity of the day. It is tragic that the president s reckless actions make impeachment necessary. He gave us no choice. Trevor oh, thats right, all day the democrats were roamings the halls of congress sad and de pressed, just Walking Around like a moving adele album. Hello, impeach. Anyway, for more on the mood in washington, lets go to our senior impeachment correspondent michael kosta, everybody. cheers and applause michael, are you in d. C. Right now at the Democratic Party headquarters, all the democrats say they are sad but wasnt today a win for them . It is not about winning, trevor it is an impeachment, not an arms we aring match against my six year old nephew, okay. Demg krats take to pleasure in doing this. No matter what you think about trump, no one is happy when the president is impeached. Trevor wait s that champagne . What was that. Yes, it is grieving champagne. Democrats are passing it around so everyone can pour one out for democracy. Trevor but i think when you pour one out you are supposed to pour it on the floor. Come on, this is countriestal, this is for special occasions this is for special sad occasions. Like this dark day. Trevor you know what is weird, michael, because it feels like the democrats are acting sad but then deep down theyre actually happy about this. No, trevor, you are reading this all wrong, okay. The mood here is down right de pressing. Yeah, nancy, today sucked, huh . Hey, save me one ofs no jagger bombs, girl. Trevor kosta, leerily the democrats, this is a party. Trevor, you know, shame on you. This is not a party at all. laughter i am surrounded by sadness. Trevor dude, you must think im an idiot. I dont get why democrats are pretending to be sad. They wanted to impeach trump for ages. This has to make them at least a little bit happy it is just like wait, kosta s that music im hear smg. Yeah, trevor, there is too much sadness z to get into that space, you so we moved into the club now we are just grinding away our sor rows. Trevor i dont buy it, the democrats are happy, it is obvious. Trevor, i can literally taste the sadness, okay. Although that might just be the molly kicking in, am i talking loud . Trevor michael kosta, ever. Ever. Well be right back. Manolo its so cold, come in whats wrong . Its dry. Your scalp . Mine gets dry in the winter too. Try head shoulders dry scalp care. It nourishes the scalp and keeps you up to 100 flakefree. Head shoulders dry scalp care fast paced hip hop song playing rougout la vita ruffino. Oh what fun it is to ride in a onehorse open sleigh, buble sparkling water. Its buble trevor welcome back to the daily show. It is officially the holiday season. And time for family, togetherness and cocktails wegs, for some reason. But you better enjoy it while it lasts. Ronny chieng tells us why in another installment of everything is stupid. applause it is christmas, again. Just another excuse for you people to send me stupid pictures of your family, oh, great, another baby dressed as an elf. Wow, thaks for the reminder to get a vasectomy. But now thanks to all of these stupid world lieders not giving a shit about Climate Change everything you love about christmas will disappear. Starting with Christmas Trees. This year your Christmas Tree could wind up costing you mr than in the past. This farm outside los angeles, the average tree costs around 100 bucks. Nationwide a fresh cut Christmas Tree now averages 76. Double what it cost in 2008. Blame it on Climate Change. Rising temperaturesk wildfires and drought have all made farmk more challenging. Yeah, that is right. Climate change is taking away Christmas Trees. By 2050 they will be so expensive that the tree will be the present. How are we going to trick kids into behaving that way. You better be good all year or you are not going to get a douglas fir for christmas. Why do people want Christmas Trees in their house anyway. All they do is shed pine needles all over the floor. If what is what you are into, just call me, i will stab you in the foot for free. Tand is not just trees that are going away, Climate Change is going to kill santas transportation too. In our eye on earth series, well take you to santas hometown in the north pole, where Climate Change is threatening the reindeer population. The Reindeer Feed even through the winter on lichen, a moss plant they dig down through the snow to get at. Except when all that thawing and refreezing means they cant. And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to the reindeer. We have to feed them. You know things are bad when your entire species depends on a guy in a weird hat, okay. I mean what if you oversleeps one day, he will be like oh, my alarm didnt go off, now i need to dig a mass reindeer grave. And this is a big problem, okay. Is because without reindeer how is santa going to get around. Will have to hitchhike around the world, trading rides for hand jobs. Guess what, the Climate Crisis is coming for our new years drinks too. Another popular consume are item that is expected to get a lot more expensive, prosecco. Climate clang is doing a number on the grapes that make them sparkling wine. The, dream weather is posing new challenges at his vineyard. Climate change say big problem, when it is sunny or raining it is. Prosecco he explained should have low alcohol and high acidity but high temperatures and earlier rain produce the opposite effect. Thats right, next to Climate Change prosecco is going to cost more and taste worse. Although to be fair if you cared about taste you wouldnt be drinking prosecco. And prosecco is the champagne that dropped out of high school, okay. You know what my holiday drink of choice is good oldfashioned rubbing alcohol. Thats right. Sure, it will make you go blind but that is when the party really starts. So happy new year, everyone. Spoiler alert, 2020 is going to be worse. Trevor ronny chieng, everyone. Well be right back. Well be right back. Hey, who say have you ever worked with dr. Francis . Oh yeah, hes ok. Just ok . Guess who just got reinstated well, not officially. Nervous . Yeah. Yeah me too. Dont worry about it, well figure it out. Ill see ya in there just ok is not ok. At t has americas best network, now with our best plans, at our best prices, starting at 35 a line for 4 lines. New from at t. Trevor welcome back to the daily show, my guest tonight san actor who plays the villain in aquaman but now is he dr. Manhattan in the hit hbo series watchman. Where are you . I am in every