On, everybody . Welcome to the daily distancing show. Im trevor noah. It is monday, august 17, which means the Democratic National convention kicked off today in milwaukee. It also means theres still three days left for john delaney to maybe win the mom no nation. Youve got this, my man some of you may have noticed my face is a little swollen. I wanted to address this before people start rumors. I was walking to subway to get my usual 3 00 a. M. Sandwich, and this guy in a maga hat jumped out of nowhere and said, hey, arent you that super funny comedian from the daily show . And he punched me in the face and ran away and hopped on a flight to nigeria. Now that weve cleared that up, tonight, america fights back to save the post office, Michael Kosta tries to smuggle coronavirus on to an indian reservation and how donald trump intends to win the popular vote. Lets do this, welcome to the daily distancing show. From trevor noahs couch to your couch somewhere in the world, the daily distancing show presents the Democratic National convention, electing americas first black president s friend. Trevor so tonight was the first night of the Democratic National convention, and i was actually going to watch it but i was in a bust fight on ghost of tsushima. It was too late by the time i beat it. I promise tomorrow well bring you the best highlight of tonights speeches. This years conventions are anything but normal. This pandemic is change hough we nominate president ial candidates. The Democratic National convention will get underway tonight to nominate joe biden, but hardly any speakers will be there in person. It will be almost an entirely virtual event. There will be no Convention Floor packed with delegates, no cheering, applause and no balloon drop. Dont expect anything quite like this at this years convention. Or that. They wont be fun. They were so much fun. And i dont mean just for me, i think the audience watched the craziness and enjoyed that. Trevor thats right. For the first time ever, the conventions are going virtual, which means no crowds, no dancing, no balloon drops and definitely no bill clinton kissing booth. Honestly, im kind of looking forward to watching speeches without the crowd cheering every other sentence because everything at these conventions gets a standing ovation. Anything does anyone drive a 2015 kia sorento . cheers and applause no, your lights are on. chanting lights are on, light are on on the other hand, we have to admit a convention that takes place over zoom doesnt have the same juice. Imagine if obama had to do one of his famous speeches but on zoom. Yes, we can sorry, obama, i didnt get that. Can you say that did again . Yes, we can. Could you speak slower . I think the connection is bad. Yes, we can. Okay, we can what . I think you cut off attend. We can what . No, thats the whole thing, yes, we can. Oh. Okay. No, you dont have to be a genius to see what the underlying message of tonights lineup, from a. O. C. And bernie on the left to john kasich and a slew of other republicans on the right, tonight was meant to showcase the broader appeal of joe biden across the political spectrum. Joe biden is basically the cheerios of president ial candidates, hes not the most exciting option but deep down you know hes good for you. And as he enters this convention week, biden finds himself in a strong position against trump. Hes ahead by an average of 8 points nationally, leading in five out of the six swing states and his wife sometimes lets him hold her hand. Thats something. Some polls show trump is closing the gap. If one thing ive learned living in america, the poll numbers are like scores in basketball, they dont mean shit till the last two minutes of the game. Clearly trump doesnt care about the polls because hes measuring the race by a completely different metric. Did you see down in florida the boat parade yesterday . They broke the guinness book of world records. Thousands of boats, and thats all over the country. Thats everywhere you have a lake, river or ocean, there are these massive numbers of boats and bikers for trump. I just looked. There are thousands of votes in lakes, rivers and oceans, thousands and thousands of boats. Its called boaters for trump, boaters for trumppence. There are signs all over. Some have ten flags on them. Theyre incredible. Trevor no denying trump is huge with the boating community. I dont blame them. His policies are ensuring the ice caps melt faster and make a lot more water for them. Trump has a special place in this community because he stands as if hes on a moving boat. I wouldnt be surprised if trump tries to move the polling locations from land to sea. You know a lot of people are saying water elections are much safer. In fact, theres never been a rigged election on water. You can check it out. Obviously, trump is very confident that the boater voters will put him over the top. But as a backup, hes also been moving ahead with plan b, destroying the u. S. Post office so democrats cant vote by mail. Over the weekend a tax on the post office became so brazen the people started fighting back. The escalating showdown over the post office in mailin voting. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi cut short the recess, called the house back to emergency session to confront the president obama over cutbacks in mail service which could disrupt mailin ballots and at the nie some the this morning nancy pelosi is calling every member of the house back to washington for a rare saturday session this weekend to address the crisis in the u. S. Postal service and growing questions about the november election. After reports surfaced in recent weeks of posting workers removing the iconic blue boxes from screen corners in multiple states, the agency says it will halt removals for 90 days citing customer concerns. Joe is accused of undermining the service to suppress votes. Backing pots and bans before 9 00 saturday. Protesters marched the first steps of what they say is louis dejoys d. C. Conned o. Trevor man, got to admit theres few things that suck more than being neighbors with a trump appointee because at some point people will protest the shit out of your building, not to mention Russian Politicians showing up im here for a secret but perfectly legal meeting. You want 7d, not g. My bad, my bad, but now that youve seen my face i offer you drink that is not poison. But for real, can anyone tell me why theyre not removing mailboxes . Why dont they repurpose them if they dont need them. Turn them into a crash can, flower pot or a new apartment for oscar the grouch. Maybe he would be less grouchy if his house was filled with postcards instead of dog shit. Trump is claiming the reason hes going after mailin votes sit has too much fraud. But no one has found evidence of that claim. Yesterday, trumps chief of staff said this do you realize how inaccurate the voters roles are with people just moving around, let alone the people that die off, but sending ballots out just based on a voter role, registration . Anytime you move, you change your drivers license, but you dont call up and say, hey dr. But theres no evidence of widespread voter fraud, though. Theres no evidence that theres not either. Thats the definition of fraud, jake. Wow. So theres no evidence of widespread voter fraud but theres also no evidence that there isnt widespread voter fraud. Once you go into that argument, theres nothing you cant claim anymore. Sure, i havent seen any evidence that aliens are cloning humans and making them compete in talent competitions in space but i also havent seen any evidence that aliens arent cloning humans and making them compete in talent competitions in space. So, if youre watching, give em hell in that danceoff, buddy. People have all sorts of theories about why trump is attacking the post office. One is he wants to slow down mail so ballots dont arrive in time to be counted. Another theory is he just wants democrats to think the mail is going to slow down so they dont trust the mail and they dont send their ballots at all. Which is why over the weekend the king of the democrats barack obama came out with a different message. If youre in a state where you have the option to vote early, you need to do that now because the more votes are in early, the less likely youre going to see a lastminute crunch both at polling places and in those states where mailin ballots are permitted. As much as possible, we want to relieve that pressure. Trevor america really is an upsidedown place. The black president is telling everyone to vote early and the white president is trying to make sure everyone is late. Obama is right, waiting until the last minute never works out. Like the one year i waited until july to get my beach body, but then all the beach bodies were sold out. So in the face of all kinds of voting obstacles, that is president obamas advice, which he reiterated on twitter vote early if you can, and then tell everyone you know to do the same thing, which i guess im doing right now. You guys are basically everyone i know. But just in case, im going to try to tell more people. Hey, everyone dont forget to vote as soon as you can id like to set up as soon as you can. Okay, thank you, sir. It went well. Time for a break. When we come back, well catch you up on everything happening outside the president ial race. So stick come with me and youll be in a world of flavorful hydration coffee, fruit, plus real juice, give your tongue a taste vacation. Has a stronger signal and faster speeds. Its not just fast its super fast. We like it. But how can we say its more than super fast . Boost mobiles upgraded network its eeeeeyooouuuuuuuu fast curious how do you spell eeeeeyouuuuuuuuu . . . Get boost mobiles shrink it plan, and watch your bill shrink to 35 month after just 6 ontime payments. Plus get a free Samsung Galaxy a11 when you switch, all on our new, upgraded network. When you order a hotandjuicy quarter pounder. A normal amount of napkins, just wont do. Ba da ba ba ba the daily distancing show. Now, the big story this week is obviously the Democratic National convention, but theres still a lot of other stuff going on out there, so lets catch up on all of it in our brandnew segment of stories that arent about the convention. laughter word play. Anyway, heres some big news did you know that america is finally getting its first black president . The Washington Football Team formally known as the Washington Redskins announcing the first new black president. Jason wright will lead the Business Operations and working with building the field on the team. Owner of the team says wrights former experience as a playerer and push for inclusion will set new standards for that organization. Trevor thats right, washington has hired the first black president in n. F. L. History, which is fantastic but if they follow the same pattern as america, the teams next president is going to kick all the mexicans off the team and inject all players with hydroxychloroquine. I will say, it really sucks to be a black person in america right now, but even if you do get offer a job, the first thing you think is how bad tid the white people ~bleep up to have to hire me . Best of luck to jason wright because football is the only sport trying to play with fans in the stands and no bubble during covid. So if the league shuts down, you know people are going to try to blame him. Im just saying, the league never set down before when there was a white team president. It cant be a coincidence on to news about climate change. Should be no surprise 2020 is on course to be the hottest year on record. I mean, basically, every year now is hotter than the year before it. You know, in the same way every hemsworth brother is hotter than the one before it. Is that right or is it the other way around. Over the weekend the temperature hit a different record. And this one will really make you sweat. One part of the country is taking heat and could be a record. Death Valley National park which is split between california and nevada recorded a High Temperature of 130 degrees yesterday. It needs to be verified, but if it is, it will be the hottest temperature recorded on earth since 1913. The previous record was also recorded in death valley. Trevor goddam, 130 degrees see, this is when i like that americans use fahrenheit because, in the rest of the world, people use celsius, but a scorching 54 doesnt have the same ring to it. 130 degrees 54. And death valley is a great name for a place thats 130 degrees. As terrible name in terms of real estate development. Who would name that . They need to call it dval. Build a couple of coffee shops and condos, hipsters would be there in a month. This is all a sign we are in a climate crisis, people. While the rest of the world wants to slow climate change, the Trump Administration looks at record temperatures and say, eh, lets try and beat it. Trump administration tried to finalize plans to open up the arctic wildlife refuge. Will allow leasing on the 1. 6 coastal plain and marks a major step towards reviving fossil fuel development inen a area thats been untouched for three decades. Trevor untouched for three decades. For a second, i thought they were talking mike pence. Thats right. With just a few months left in his term, trump is about to let oil and Gas Companies go nuts in a pristine wildlife refuge. Its almost hike he knows hes not getting the Security Deposit back on the country so he might as well see how much he can wreck on his way out. This might be the first time trump destroyed the Property Value of a place without putting his name on it first. Arctic wildlife is the best. Why would you do this . Penguins, polar bears, seals theyre magical why not drill in a sucky wildlife like a mosquito preserve . And we still have a few years before many parts of the planet become uninhabitable. This is a worldwide epidemic. But there is some good coronavirus news today a medical breakthrough brought to you by the n. B. A. The f. D. A. Has approved an emergency use authorization for a salivabased covid 19 test developed by yale university. The test known as saliva direct has been used on n. B. A. Players and staff and according to yale, its simply, less expensive and less invasive. The n. B. A. And Players Union came together to donate more than 500,000 to yale for the research that led to the test. Trevor thats right, the n. B. A. Has funded a corona test where all you have to do is spit in a cup. Though knowing the n. B. A. , they probably have someone standing next to the cup trying to block you. But this is huge. The United States desperately needs for testing to get the pandemic under control. And a simple test where you can just spit into a tube could change everything. Its much easier than the test where you have to tickle your doctor, you know. Actually, im starting to wonder, was that guy a real docket . It was weird we met under a bridge. Huh. But this is why i always say, people, it is so much better to get diseases later than earlier. You know i always say that. I mean, if you got covid in january, you had to do the more painful test where they put the thing up your nose, but now all you have to do is spit. Like if you got measles back in the day, you died. But if you get it today, you get an antivaxer asking you if you took the shot. New zealand was the first country to declare itself covedfree. But after three months of no corona, the land of hobbits is back in emergency mode. Overseas, the Prime Minister of new zealand delayed the National Election for ant four weeks after 50 people were infected in auckland, the countrys biggest city. Before that, new zealand had gone more than 100 days without community spread. Trevor new zealand is now delaying its National Election by four weeks because ofen outbreak of 50 people. I know 50 people doesnt sound like a lot, but thats like a third of their population. That i have 150 people and 20 million sheep. This is the one difference between america and other countries. Other countries are loose with their election laws. Theyre, like, yeah, lets do the election in a month, we can delay it. America doesnt play those games. America treats election laws like god told them directly to Thomas Jefferson elections must be the first tuesday after the first monday of november never in december because thats my sons birthday. Not january or february, its, like, really cold. March is for basketball, we all know that. April is for fools. Ha, ha, ha, get it . And then in may, thats like summer and we dont do shit in summer, so im thinking november. What do you think, tommy . At the same time, americas system really protects democracy. Because if you have laws that are too loose and get the wrong leader like, say, donald trump, which i know would never happen, can cause chaos. Because best believe if donald trump could postpone the elections because of coronavirus, he would be testing through the roof hed probably tend to get coronavirus every single month. Guys, im afraid were going to have to postpone the election for two more years because, like, you know that feeling when youre not sick but youre going to be sick . Thats totally me right now, sickish but not but totally sometimes could be. Okay, byebye. When we come back, Michael Kosta tries to sneak on to an indian reservation and i will be speaking to man they called the biden whisperer. Stick tada did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your Car Insurance so you only pay for what you need . Given my unique lifestyle, thatd be perfect let me grab a pen and some paper. Know what . Im gonna switch now. Just need my desk. My chair. And my phone. 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