Now substituting for colorado, number four, kyle broflovski. Oh jesus. Hes about to play. [gunfire] [grunting] mrs. Garrison, grab kyle. Which one is he . Arrrhhh. Ohhh. Hey, what the hell . Stop the game ahhhh ohhh. I got it. I got the ball. Kyle, no broflovski goes for the dunk. No my baaaaaaalllllssssss aagh. [screams] so let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin. Yeah, thats basically it. Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, lets head em out. Im sorry, kyle. I should i have told you the surgery was cosmetic only. So does this mean im not really a dolphin . Lets get you two up to the clinic, and ill change you back for a nominal fee. But what about mr. Garrison . He cant go back. You know what, im okay. Even though im not truly a woman, i think i still like the new me. Id rather be a woman who cant have periods than a fag. Hey, guys this girl is staying a woman. Who wants to pound my vag . Girl power. Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com on, everybody . Welcome to the daily social distancing show. Im trevor noah. Today is thursday, september 10. If corona shut down your college and you had to move back home, not all is lost. Just teach your parents the proper way to draw a dick on your face. That way when you wake up in the morning it will still feel like you are at school. Trump goes into damage controlled over woodward tapes. Ronny chieng says why chinese keep saying the n word. And talking to samuel l. Jackson about projects hes work on and a bunch of other stuff. Lets do this, people. Welcome to the daily social distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. Trevor lets kick things off with donald trump, the first president whos a nonessential worker. Yesterday a tape dropped of an interview he did with bob woodward in february where he admitted he purposefully downplayed the risk of coronavirus. We know why, its because he didnt want to spook his precious stock market. Whoa, whoa, easy, girl. Easy, gil. Its okay, nasdaq, everythings fine. You just keep going out, girl. Now when normal people get caught on tape admitting they lied to an entire country, they usually apologize, but donald trump didnt become president by being normal, so yesterday he doubled down. Did you mislead the public by saying that you downplayed the coronavirus and that you repeatedly did that in order to reduce panic . Did you mislead the public . Well, i think if you said in order to reduce panic, perhaps thats. So the fact is im a cheerleader for this country, i love our country and i dont want people to be frightened, i dont want to create panic, as you say, and certainly im not going to drive this country or the world into a frenzy. We want to show confidence, we want to show strength, we want to show strength as a nation. Trevor you were a cheerleader . No, youre not a cheerleader, youre the coach when you see your team teem is headed for a huge defeat, you come up with some plays, right . You dont stand on the sidelines waiving pompoms and saying everything is going to be okay. Look, trump, just because you spent time in cheerleaders changing rooms doesnt mean you are one. I watched that netflix show and donald trump would not make it on the mat. Cheerleaders is everything the president is not, they work as a team, are disciplined and most importantly know how to spell words. The one up side of being stuck in this psychotic relationship with trump for the last four years is by now weve pretty much learned every pattern every trump scandal takes. Trump steps into shit and trump comes out and explains he didnt actually step in shit or it wasnt shit or if the coastal elites got out of their bubble theyd recognize stepping in shit is the most american thing you can do. This time is no different, as fox news quickly rallied to trumps corner to explain why lying to america as a deadly pandemic was the right move all along. The president was saying dont fear, he was calm and confident because he didnt want to create a panic. I thought that was fine and dandy. Youre trying to run the country, youre offering leadership. When a doctor sees a spot on your xray, he doesnt run in and say, my god, you have cancer youre going to die he says, hold on a second, this could be dense tissue, we want to look at it again. Think about it, during the depression it was d. F. R. Who had fire side chats to calm america. You look at something president obama tweeted out on march 4t march 4th, and he had the same message about President Trump about calm down. He said protect yourself and your community from coronavirus are common sense precautions, wash your hands, stay home when sick, listen to c. D. C. Governor and local health authorities, lets stay calm. Sound familiar . Lets listen to the expert and follow lines. Trevor that obama tweet isnt proving what the you think it is. Its an example of how a president can keep people calm while being realistic. The complaint is not that trump wanted to keep people calm, its downplaying the virus part. Crazy as it may seem, lots of people in america actually believe the things President Trump says. So when trump comes out and declares the deep state made up corona to ruin his birthday, they listened. As for the doctor analogy, ray is correct, when doctors see a spot on your xray, they dont panic but they check it out because it might be serious. They dont tell you you dont have a spot and dont worry one day its going to disappear like america. You want to do copay or quid pro quo . By and large, woodward took the position the tapes are nothing to be concerned about. Maybe theyre trying to not cause a panic. Bob woodwards book is exactly what you thought it would be, whats surprising is that donald trump participated in making the book. The president sat for repeated interviews with bob woodward. Why would he do that . Tonight from the source that knows the answer to that mystery. Senator Lindsey Graham of south carolina, it was Lindsey Graham who helped convince donald trump to talk to bob woodward. How did that turn out . Lindsey graham is supposed to be a republican, so why would he do Something Like that . You would have to ask him. Keep in mind Lindsey Graham has passionately opposed virtually every major policy issue donald trump articulated when he first ran so, maybe you already know the answer. Trevor this is insane. So Lindsey Graham has been pretending to be a trump alwhy this whole time, golfing with him, confirming his judges, defending him during impeachment all so that, four years later, he could trick trump into doing a bob woodward interview . And by the way, nobody forced trump to do this interview or say the things that he said. So this master plan only works if the guy youre plotting against is dumb as shit. How are we going to assassinate seizure . I have an idea. Lets leave a bunch of knives in front of him and maybe hell stab himself. This is the problem with defending trump at all costs. Eventually, youre forced to invent the most ridiculous conspiracy thesconspiracy theor. Lindsey graham is one of trumps most loyal allies but tucker is making him sound like hes hiding black lives matter signs in his office. Eventually you will run out of people to blame, there will be no one else to blame other than trump voters. Im waiting for the day carlsen says trump didnt elect himself. Who put this twisted man in power . I think we all know the answer to that. So, look, i dont know if these recordings will hurt trump in the president ial election. I mean, scandals slide off him further than his bronzer on a hot day. But if his new campaign ad is any sign, hes not taking any chances. Theres a pandemic in america of secret recordings. For too long, ordinary americans have lived in fear of being taped by bob woodward, michael cohen, and even billy bush. But donald trump will put a stop to it. In his second term, President Trump will outlaw all tapes, delete all voice mails, and destroy every microphone in the country. In fact, lets ban taking notes, too. Whatever happened to just remembering things . Reelect donald trump becaus, when that 3 00 a. M. Phone call comes in, you want to make sure its not being tapped. Im donald trump, and i approve this message. Thats what ill say to those idiots attend of my ad. Hey, are you recording trevor all right. We have to take a quick break. But when we come back, ill talk to ronny chieng about the controversy thats tearing black and asian people apart. Dont forget, samuel l. Jackson still coming up on the show. Well be right back. Tonight. We adapt and we change were here to keep you safe. Werbut right bead istart wcutting him off now,e left bead is making a bit of contact ohh weve got a double bead going for the inside line the left bead into first place wow aaaahhhh. Beautiful. Take the good, with the bad live the life you want to have send it off, with a bang whistling hi jen hi. So youre the scientist here. Does my aveeno® daily moisturizer really make my dry skin healthier in one day . Its true jen. Really . this prebiotic oat formula moisturizes to help prevent dry skin. Impressive aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. Impr sive the big events are back. Xfinity is your home for the return of live sports. Class on how different cultures use filler words to take pauses while talking and used a chinese expression that sounds like a racial slur. Some students complained saying they were offended. The university apologized. Patton insists there was no ill intent. Yo. Trevor okay. No. Hell, no. Unless you are the lead in a Quentin Tarantino movie, you have no excuse to say that word so many times. U. S. C. Removed this professor from his Communications Course for saying that word in chinese. The question is was that the right move . Well, here to help me answer it is our own communications expert, an actual chinese person, ronny chieng. Ronny, help me out here, man. When you speak chinese, does this word that sounds exactly like the n word pop up because ive never heard you use it . Well, i dont know because i dont speak chinese. Trevor oh. Well, i thought you did. Oh, yeah . Why would you think that . Why . Why would you think that . Trevor no, because, i mean, because like no, no, what. What about me makes you think i could speak chinese . Trevor i didnt mean to offend you, ronny, im sorry. Just ~bleep you. Of course i speak chinese. Im chinese. Anyway, trevor, this whole thing has gone out of hand. Theres no reason to be offended. That word is a chinese word. Trevor wait, hold up. The chinese invented the n word . No, you idiot racists invented the n word. The chinese word neyga is our word for that. Its a filler word. Hey, whats the name of the bread sticks, i would say, speaking chinese with bread sticks. Trevor all i theard r heard you saying was nei ge, nei ge, nei ge in the middle of a sentence and im a little worked up right now. If nei ge is a thinking word,er isnt that confusing when you listen to rap . Yeah, to be honest, rappers sound unsure of themselves. To me jayz and kanye didnt know if they were in paris. In paris, uh, were going to gorillas, nothing makes sense. Trevor you know what, dude, i guess this is why people need to talk to each other because now we got to the bottom of it as human beings and, i mean, now the solution is clear, you know, if that word nei ge is a word in chinese, well Chinese People just have to find another word. What . No. No. ~bleep that, trevor. Were not changing shit. We had that word for 5,000 years before racists stole it. Racists steal from everybody hitler took swastika from booeda and on and on and now theyre stealing chinese words . How about racists change their word. Trevor its not like racists have a suggestion box. You want me to ask them . If we want to have language and culture without anyonerun getting offended, have a class for blacks kids, asian kids, and all can be separate and no one will get offend snood you just invented segregation. Oh, shit, youre right. My bad. Im just trying to solve problems because this thing is dividing the black and asian communities and it shouldnt because we should be working together. Look what black and asian people can do when were united, right . Tiger woods, u tang clang. Rush hour, rush hour two, rush hour three. I think im making rush hour four, and if you are please call me, i would love to be in it. Um, the point is, black people and asian people have more in common than we think, okay. Trevor yeah, you know what, ronny . Im not going to lie. Before we spoke, i might have been a little touchy. But i think i hear what youre saying as people there are so many people designed and intended to offend us that we have to try to make sure that we dont get offended by the things that arent made to offend us. Thank you, exactly. Because otherwise theres no limit to what can upset you. You will be shocked to hear what your name actually means in chinese, trevor. Trevor wait, what do you mean my name what does my name mean in chinese . Yeah, i dont think we want to say that word publicly. Lets just say i tell my mom i work at the daily show with don lemmon. Nice talking to you. Trevor what does my name mean . Ronny . What does trevor look, well take a quick break while i look my name up in mandarin. When we come back, well be talking to samuel l. Jackson but First Talking to the f. B. I. Official trump cant stop fantasizing about. I need im hector. Im a delivery Operations Manager in san diego, california. We were one of the first stations to pilot a fleet of electric vehicles. Were striving to deliver a package with zero emissions into the air. I feel really proud of the impact that has on the environment. We have two daughters and i want to do everything i can to protect the environment so hopefully they can have a great future. Todays the day to get to your toyota dealer. Toyota. 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They may not be hydrated enough. Wabba wabba all new, Plant Powered creative roots gives kids the hydration they need, with the fruit flavors they love, and 1 gram of sugar. Find new creative roots in the kids juice aisle. The daily social distancing show. Earlier today, i spoke with former f. B. I. Official peter strzok. We talked about his new book on trump, russia and those infamous Text Messages trump says are from the deep state. Peter strzok, welcome to the daily social distancing show. Thanks so much for having me. Its good to be here. Trevor youve written a book that even today is being name checked by the president of the United States, donald trump donald trump. Hes not your biggest fan and clearly, by your book, you are not a fan of his. In many ways, for him, you are the face of the deep state that he constantly talks about. Why did you write the book and what do you hope the book is meant to achieve is this. So the reason i wrote the book was to talk about the counterintelligence threat that donald trump poses to this day. Why in the f. B. I. In 2016 we were so very concerned about his relationship with the government of russia and not just his but all the people around him, and to point out to the reader that that threat, that problem didnt stop in 2016. Director mueller kept going and the problem stays to this day. I wanted to shine a light on that. Trevor theres no denying your role in this investigation and in the Donald Trumprussia saga has been marred by Text Messages that the public has seen of yours, your opinions on Hillary Clinton and donald trump. Do you think that youre the right person to say to the public, here i am shining a light, when donald trump will use you as the example of the deep state . Yeah, i sure do, and heres why in the first place, every f. B. I. Agent, most every Government Employee has opinions. I have them, everybody i worked with did. We talk about those in private. Every single day, all of us set that aside when we go to work. Part of whats been coronavirus about the idea of a deep state, in my experience its absolutely false. Second thing, because people might have concerns, is this has been looked at up and down and left and right. Two Inspector General investigations and multiple attorneys, all kinds of congressional committees looking at them and all of them have found at the end of the day that me and everybody else that our actions were free of political bias or improper consideration and that we were doing the right thing for the right reasons. Trevor i dont believe in a deep state. Im not a big Conspiracy Theory person in any way, shape or form, but i do understand how it may look to somebody, especially a trump voter, when peter strzok is saying we need to stop this person and, more importantly, recently, an f. B. I. Lawyer was found to be doctoring documents. Once somebody is forging a document to go with their bias, that shows you that people dont just leave their opinions at the door, doesnt it . Right, but when you look at what happened to him, he is paying a severe, severe price for his penalty. There is no room in the f. B. I. Ever for any falsehood or doctoring evidence. When you do that, you will be held accountable. Thats exactly what you saw. To the broader point of i understand how people might look at this and say, yeah, pretty strong opinions. But lets go back to 2016, there were things that i knew and others knew and still knew to this day that if we let it out it would have really damaged trumps campaign. Never happened. Lets look at what happened with all the speeches comey gave about secretary clin