Everybody welcome to the daily social distancing show. Im trevor noah. Today is thursday, the 17th of september, and heres your quarantine tip of the day if youre planning on finally seeing your older relatives for the first time in months, remember not to eat any of the hard candies they give you. And this is not a covid thing, those things are just gross. Anyway, on tonights show, donald trump divorces half the country. Bill barr says slavery is back, and the coronavirus is getting its own award show. So lets do this, people. Welcome to the daily social distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. Trevor lets kick things off in barbados, the place with a rich beautiful history you probably wont see because its outside the sandals resort. Although the caribbean island obtained about in 1956, the queen of england is still officially head of state but thats abto change. Queen elizabeth is to be removed as head of state in barbados. The islands governor general says the time has come to leave the colonial past behind. It will be the first time in three decades the monarch has been removed. The queen is head of state in more than a dozen countries formally under british rule including australia, canada and jamaica. Trevor oh, no first Meghan Markle and now barbados . The queen is losing all her black friends and the question is why now . Did barbados just get sick of the british, or were her majestys vacation corn rows the last straw . I thought she looked fly. You know who i feel really bad for . Prince charles. Think about it, when he was born, he was set to inherit a bh a fancier accent. At this rate the only caribbean island british royals will be welcome at is jeffrey epsteins. Barbados basically ghosted the queen hello . Hello, barbados, hello . Shhh dont answer the phone, rihanna is our queen now. To another country where people are desperate to rid themselves of a despotic monarch, the United States. One of the big clashes between protestors and police is on junr gas, spray and batons to clear the white house so President Trump could hold a bible in front of a church. I want to show my people it doesnt burn my hand like in the movies, we can hold it. But as overheated as that response was, we are finding out ut it could have been hotter. The military whistle blowers said federal officials sought to make a heat ray make peoples skin feel like it was burning to deal with protestors. An Police Officer sought heat ray. The officer stated in an email the device provides a sensation of intense heat on surface of the skin. Demarco said the d. C. National guard did not have the device. Trevor i cant believe this is real life. Federal Police Wanted to use a heat ray against Peaceful Protesters outside the white house. At this point, guys, can we admit trump is essentially a reallife von villain . Hes already got the golden layer, Eastern European girl in camo and a creepy pet. By the way, what a crazy way to learn that americas military has a heat ray. This is the same country that cant find money for veterans or healthcare or teachers but somehow it has a giant microwave gun just lying around. You know, just in case we want to hot pocket the immediately,. I will say now that america has the weapon im going to wear the lady gaga dress to every protest, to be protected from the heat and dont have to stress about dinner. Justice, peace, and more well done on this side moving on to the coronavirus pandemic, the outbreak harder to get rid of than the College Buddy crashing on your couch. This is not a hotel, dave youve got to leave yeah, okay, pizza sounds good. Ill be done in 30 minutes. A new report found when new york city ordered one of the strictest shutdowns in the city it reduced the spread of coronavirus by 70 . 70 . Normally when something is beaten that badly in new york its the knicks. But even though stayathome orders saved countless lives and even though most places didnt try anything nearly as tough as new york, Donald Trumps attorney general still thinks they went way too far. In new remarks, attorney general wilbur courting controversy by saying this about the coronavirus lockdown. Putting a national lockdown, stayathome orders is like house arrest. Its you know, other than slavery, which was a different kind of restraint, this is the greatest intrusion on Civil Liberties in american history. Trevor slow your role there droopy dog. Corona quarantines are not even close to the worst intrusion into Civil Liberties. Just off the top of my head how about japanese interment camps during world war ii . That was like taking a face mask, making it huge, sticking an entire race of people in it an saying they cant take it off. Just 50 years ago, black people were kicked out of restaurants and coulden vote unless they answered a riddle from a sphinx. I could go on but its only a 45 minute show. Barr shouldnt mention slavery in the same breath as corona shutdowns. Why sit every time republicans dont like something they compare it to slavery . Obamacare is like slavery paying tax is like slavery, is barr at home, goddam it i wish Harriet Tubman would free me from this zoom call sorry, i thought it was on mutilate, guys. Because i know not going to the movie sucks but Trump Supporters with respect actually out here singing slave spirituals. It would have been funny to see, though. Swing low sweet caroline ha ha ha why were we angry, i forgot because this song makes me happy while bill barr is trying to make it sound like the lockdowns are the worst thing to happen in america, his boss donald trump is trying to convince everyone things havent been that bad especially when you dont count half the country. Breaking news, President Trump suggesting the United States would be doing much better with coronavirus if we just took out the death numbers from blue states. If you look at what weve done in all of the and all of the lives weve saved, im going to ask a graph be put up and now its up, and thats despite the fact that the blue states had tremendous death rates. If you take the blue states out, were at a levelt that i dont think anybody in the world would be at. Trevor okay, no, guys. Hold on, hold on. Did this dude just try to pull, if you eat around the mold everythings fine move . Be corona deaths, why dont we just not count the red states, too . Then the u. S. Has zero deaths, which is pretty impressive if you ask me. Its pretty astounding that a leader would even think of his country in that way. You cant just write off entire states. This isnt the electoral college. The popular vote counts. By the way, these comment arent just embarrassing and unpatriotic and just gross, theyre also wrong because, even if you made the very weird decision to not count deaths from all the blue states, america would still have one of the worst death rates of any country in the world. So even trumps lies are lies. Its like the inception of lies. Somehow, trump cant even flatten the curve hes grading himself on. For more on trumps divisive statements, i want to bring in a guy whos offended people in red and blue states, michael kosta. Michael, what do you make of this whole thing . Isnt trump dismissing the deaths in the parts to have the country that didnt vote for him shocking . Well, at first i thought so, trevor, but sometimes something seems shocking at first, but then later turns out to be a good idea. Like naked hang gliding. Trevor michael, please, i told you im not doing that with you. But i already booked the plane. Besides, i dont want to go with ronny again. Hes so much better at being naked than me. Trevor how is he better at being hook, were getting offtrack. Kosta, i want to know what part of trumps statement sounded like a good idea to you. Heres the thing at this point, we all know trump only cares about the red states. So lets grant him his wish and just make himt president of the red states. Red states get trump, blue states get biden and well split the country straight down the middle and everybodys happier. Trevor kosta, what you are proposing is what happened during the civil war. Im not talking about a civil war, im talking about a civil divorce, only this time the armies will be lawyers. The rivers will run red but with ink. And the slaves, well, they will be trevor careful, careful okay, right. Ive never been good with analogies. To me, analogies are like slaves, they are trevor careful. Okay, look. Good point, ill stop. My point is this what if the civil war was the first breakup in a bad relationship . We stuck with it because we thought we could figure it out but then as we get older we know that were not good for each other. Besides, now, our current leader has a lot of experience with divorce so he could help guide us through it. Trevor but, michael, there niece way to neatly divide america into two countries. You cant just do it along political lines. Look at new york state, the city might be democratic but some of the upstate is as red add alabama. Fine. New york city breaks up with upstate new york. More flags, more olympic teams, who has a problem with that . Trevor but Staten Island is more red than the rest of the city. How many times can you keep dividing . Pretty soon, every person is just going to be in their own country. Great, and every country will be united. I cant even disagree with myself that i love lower taxes. Although i also really like social services. Huh. Theres only one way to solve this disagreement. Trevor kosta, please do not cut yourself in half. Dont interfere with my sovereign business. Unless you want to arrange a summit. We could meet, perhaps, tomorrow around noon. Trevor you know what . Cut yourself in half. I think we can survive it. You just go ahead and do that. Michael kosta, everyone. Well be right back. Do it, kosta. Do it, kosta. You cant threaten me. Ms. Williams weve been working hard. Ms. Robinson . To make learning fun again. Ms. Duncan and making sure our students can succeed. Ms. Zamora were with you every step of the way. Ms. Robinson i know its a challenging time. Ms. Zamora no one wants to be back in the classroom more than teachers. Ms. Williams we have missed you so much. Mr. Hardesty but we all have to be safe. Ms. Robinson because were all in this together. Narrator making our School Buildings safer. Ms. Robinson working together, we can make it a great year. Narrator because the California Teachers Association knows quality Public Schools make a better california for all of us. the Black Bear School of chess. Speed players. Trash talkers. You wanna come inside my house how about i come in your house and through defeat, he learned. You can beat every bear in the forest, but the game is never finished. hundred bands in my pocket, its on me on me yeah, your grandmama probably know me know me its a moment when i show up, got em sayin, wow new doritos flamin hot limon. Pourbypour commentator. And this is unprecedented. Watch him stand tall in the pocket. Hes looking for a cheers over the middle. And he makes the connection touchbeer truly stunning athleticism, folks. Dos equis. A most interesting beer. The daily social distancing show. This is an exciting week, for me especially because sunday night is the 72nd annual emmy awards. Its the oscars for people who are slightly less attractive. And i have a good feeling this year, guys, not just the daily show is nominated, but because i was also the actor that played baby yoda. I know you cant tell, the makeup team did a terrific job. Thank you to everyone. Thank you so much, guys. Its not just the emmys. This weekend is the first and hopefully last pandemmy awwards which honor the most notable performances during the coronavirus pandemic. I know you probably havent heard to have the pandemmies because we made them up but everyone is talking about it. The best part is you will vote for the winners. Honestly, i dont envy you because there are a dozen categories this year with some really tough choices. For instance, who do you think should win for one of my favorite matchups . Most optimistic performance. The nominees for the most optimistic performance are larry kudlow for we have contained this. We have contained this virus. We have contained this, i wont say airtight, but pretty close to airtight. Elon musk for april. Elon musk tweeted, based on current trends, probably close to zero new cases in the United States too by the end of april. Mike pence, for memorial day. By memorial day weekend, we will largely have this coronavirus pandemic behind us. Jared kushner for really rocking again. You will see by june a lot of the country will be back to normal and by july the country is really rocking again. Donald trump for, like a miracle, it will disappear. Its going to disappear. One day, its like a miracle, it will disappear. Trevor oooh, how do you even decide . I mean, you have to love donald trump, unless youre melania. But dont underestimate rockin jared kushner. Were rocking were rocking oh, man, he was so optimistic. He didnt just predict the end to have the pandemic. He was making plans to go to the club afterwards. He probably gets to the club right at 7 30 p. M. When it opens. The most important thing is prime space on the dunes floor. You know which category im super psyched for . Best stunt coordination. I mean, it is so inspiring to see what truly talented pandemmy nominees can accomplish without even saying a word. The nominees for outstanding stunt coordination are congressman jerry nadler. Donald trump. Mike pence. Joe and jill biden. Trevor oh, boy, joe biden got tangled up in the mask jerry madler, imagine what he could do when taking often the kenta cloth. Cirque du soleil would be proud. Its not just about the famous people. Normal folks get nominated, too. Maybe normalson the right word. You will see what i mean. The nominees for best karen are democratic pigs, all of you. Democratic pigs all of you i have a breathing problem my doctor would not let me wear a mask anyone harassing me wearing a mask, you guys are violating federal law, you got that . I have a right to my pizza. You dont need a mask. I have a right to my pizza. I have a right to get my order i dont give a ~bleep . I cursing i dont give a ~bleep . I am legend. Oh, lord i allegenned aaahhh aaahhh clapping slowly trevor what a performance. That woman was tonguing the door like they went to prom together. Such passion. And this is an exciting category, because, remember, no matter who wins, the loser will call 911 and ask to speak to the manager. Im telling you, my friends, the 2022020 pandemmies are going toe sick, like fever, dry cough, loss of smell sick. So go to pandemmyawards. Com, watch the videos and vote for your favorite. There was a special honorary pandemmy this year. Only one person who could deserve that, president donald trump. The pandemmies extends a special horn to donald trump for Outstanding Achievement in selfediting. If we didnt do it, you would have had a Million People, a million and a half people, maybe two Million People dead. Now, were going toward 50, im hearing, or 60,000 people. 60, maybe 65,000. 65,000 people. 70,000. Its far too many. One person is too many. 75. 80. 80 or 0,000 people. They have minimum numbers of 100,000. So we have between 100 and 200,000. 100,000 to 240,000 deaths and we are below that substantially and well see what comes out. Trevor wow, guys something tells me hes going to win that award next year, too. Remember to vote at pandemmy awards. Com. Ewan mcgregor is still coming up. Well be right back. Tmobile and sprint have merged. And tmobile doesnt just have a bigger network, but a better one than ever before, with scam protection built into its core. Introducing, scamshield, free from t mobile. Get fewer scam calls. Period. With tmobiles supercharged network, you can say goodbye to annoying scam calls, and feel free to answer your phone again. Hello. Pourbypour commentator. Watch the patience of bubble 99. He waits for a hole between the refreshing bubbles, turns on the gas and takes it all the way to the foam zone. I cannot believe what im seeing dos equis. A most interesting beer. I cannot believe when he was diagnosed my son bewith leukemia. Years old he would get sick. Aubrey would take him to the bathroom and she would rub his back. Our family is fighting this every single day. If donald trump gets rid of our health care law, my son wont be protected. We would have to be making some tough decisions about what medications we can afford. We need a president who will protect our health care and thats joe biden. Im joe biden and i approve this message. Show. So earlier today, i spoke with Sherrilyn Ifill of the naacp Legal Defense fund. We talked about what theyre doing to help ensure a safe and Fair Election and so much more. Check it out. Sherrilyn ifill, welcome to the daily social distancing show. Thank you for having me. Trevor lets start with the name of your organization just so people dont get confused. There is the naacp and the naacp Legal Defense fund, both very similar sounding names, obviously, but two distinct and different organizations. What is the naacp Legal Defense fund . The naacp Legal Defense fund was formed in 1940 by thurgood marshall, the trail blazing lawyer, United States supreme court. We were part of the naacp. We were completely separated by 1957. We were the Legal Defense fund, were sometimes called, which is the legal arm of the Civil Rights Movement, represented john lewis, selma, freedom writers, rosa parks, mohamed ali when he wanted to get his license back. We have been the legal arm of the civil rights struggle. The naacp is a Large Membership mobilizing grassroots organization. We dont have members. Were largely a legal organization. Trevor feels like 2020 has thrust this organization back into the limelight in a way that i guess no o