The wall mart is imploding l mart everybody out now erybo [all screaming] s [fart] haa ha ha ha boys, you did it you did you killed the wall mart the how did you do it, kyle . all wall marts start a selfdestruction sequence if you break a mirror brea in the back. Art we know how to destroy it now. In w spread the word to other towns. Spread wait, i think i understand the symbolism of the mirror. Td the the wall mart. Is us. Duh. You see, boys, if we like our smalltown charm more than big corporate bullies,more we all have to be willing to pay a little bit more. Bl do you understand . Yeah yeah lets all go shop at jims drug down, the street [all cheering] all oh, lord, kumbaya all right, lets not make that mistake again. Not n. Yeah, lets go shop over at true value. O shop lets go yeah captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com welcome to the daily social distancing show. Im trevor noah. Today is monday, the 26th of october, which means, if you live in washington, colorado, montana, you only have an hour left to request a mailin ballot theres no excuse not to unless youre a baby, in which case, why are you watching this show . If youre not in bed by now, how do you plan to wake your parents up at 2 00 a. M. . You gotta focus, baby anyway, coming up on tonights show donald trump is giving up, the partys at the early voting line, and i talk to the boss himself. Bruce springsteen. So lets do this, people welcome to the daily social distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. Trevor lets kick it off with the big story. Election day is now just eight days away. So at this point, my friends, you can forget about getting in shape for it because election day bodies are made during the primaries. This year, votes for are not waiting till the first tuesday in november to cast their ballots. The Record Number of americans taking advantage of early voting across the country. An unprecedented 57 million ballots have been cast, more than 40 to have the total votes counted in the 2016 general election. At one of new york citys premier venues snaking around the block in brooklyn while marching bands drum up excitement. Incredible turnout in the lines. Ive never seen this before in my life. Americans dont even have to be earthbound to vote. U. S. Astronaut kate rubens casts her ballot with help from Mission Control from the International Space station. I think its important to vote. If we can do it from space, ebl folks can do it from the ground, too. Thats super cool. An astronaut voted in space . Wow. Still weird that she had to wait in line for 10 hours but thats cool. I dont know if this was the kind of story that would inspire people to vote just because a astronaut did. Its easy to vote in space. What do you have . Nothing, no responsibilities. Down mere we have to work, we have to check instagram every 20 minutes. In space, you float around, talk to some guy in houston. Youre riffing the dream. Im glad astronauts can vote but america has to ask itself about its priorities when its easier for a white lady in space to cast their ballots than someone in georgia. Looks like people are lining up to buy Michael Jordan not air jordans. I heard theyve only got one. I want the baseball version. Even with the long lines, even with the suppression, america is still hitting record levels of early votes. There are so many early votes that the president could already have been decided and we just dont know it. Its like the week before christmas when your parents have already bought your gift and you werent allowed to find out what it is. So it could be a brandnew president or its the same one as last time i shook the box and it grabbed me by the pussy with election day so close, the big issue on everyones mind is still the coronavirus pandemic, which is funny, because when you think about it, this whole year everybody has been wait for an october surprise and turns out the october surprise is were still talking about the same shit we were talking about in march. Surprise so with america now seeing more daily infections than ever before and hospitalizations rising in many states, the two candidates are staking out their positions on covid 19. Last week democratic candidate joe biden announced that he will push a nationwide masked mandate, deploy the defense production act to drive the manufacture of p. P. E. , and begin testing 7 Million People each day. And then President TrumpPresident Trump revealed his take on the pandemic. Boring thats all i hear about now. Thats all i hear, turn on television. Coved, coved covid, covid, covid covid a plane goes down, 500 people dead, they dont talk about it. Covid, covid, covid, covid trevor i can safely say ive never seen a world leader get bored of a crisis. Also its weird donald trump is saying this when hes still the one talking shit from 2015. Covid, covid, covid im so bored why isnt anyone talking about hillarys emails . Keep up with the times, people. But, hey, shout out to covid for helping trump understand what weve felt the past five years. Every time we switch on the tv and heard his name, trump trump trump, always trump. Oh, and by the way, maybe the reason the news isnt talking about the plane that went down with 500 people is because there was no plane that went down with 500 people. And if you think 500 pretend people dying is big news, remember almost 1,000 real people a day are still dying from covid 19 covid. If youre going to bullshit us, at least make the numbers work. Have a fake airplane crash into another fake airplane that goes down and crashes into a pretend petting zoo and the animals get out and more than 600 people. How does the president not get it . People are talking about covid because people are still dying from covid. Imagine in the captain of the titanic had this attitude. All anyone is talking about is drowning drowning drowning, as if tonights not all you can seat shrimp night at the dining hall i know what youre thinking. If trump is tired of hearing about covid on the tv news, theres actually something that he could do about it, just turn off the tv. But even that might not work because these days the news is coming from inside the house. This morning, concerns of another coronavirus outbreak at the white house, after five of Vice President mike pences associates including his chief of staff test positive for covid 19. His chief of staff mark short was with the Vice President on every Campaign Stop last week including friday night at a rally in ohio. Short now in isolation and experiencing symptoms. Pences body man, a personal assistant who accompanies him virtually everywhere, a i political aide who recently twavld with pence on air force two along with two other staffers. But c. D. C. Guidelines call for 14day queent quarantine after exposure to the virus. A Spokesman Says pence will travel as planned in accordance with the c. D. C. Gliensz for essential personnel. Pence says campaigning for office does not qualify as essential. Trevor ted of the Vice President task force has covid all over his office. Its like finding out the flash came in second in a marathon. I dont care where hes from, youre supposed to be the flash. Technically this is one way to keep track of covid 19. You know what they say, keep your friends close and the coronavirus even closer. Honestly, though, people, im not mad at pence. Im just disappointed in him. Because i get trump not following the rules. We know he cant read. But dont tell me mike pence cant follow strict protocols. That dudes rules about being around women are more complicated than rules for meeting the queen. Im sorry. I thought you were going to chop my neck off so you could become highlander and thats why i fought you. This is good information for us to learn about the virus from trump getting it. You know you can get it from breathing the same air as someone positive but you cant catch it if you spend all that time kissing that persons ass. Even after hes been exposed to the virus, mike pence is still going to campaign. A terrible idea and honestly i think it will backfire because who the hell is going to a rally with mike pence if that might give you coronavirus . I know people go to trump rallies after he got covid but thats trump. His rallies are fun. Thats worth getting corona for. No one cants corona from mike pence especially because he already makes you feel like you have corona. After he talks youre exhausted. Its hard to breathe and you just want to lie down. But turns out theres actually a very good reason that the white house isnt following guidelines for preventing the spread of the virus. They just dont want to. And the white house sounds like they are admitting that they have given up on trying to stop the spread of coronavirus. Chief of staff mark meadows telling cnn we are not going to control the pandemic. Heres what we have to do. We are not going to control the pandemic. We are going to control the fact that we get vaccines, therapeutics and other mitigations. Why arent we going to control the pandemic. Because it is a contagious virus just like the flu trevor interesting. So the plan is to just let Coronavirus Spread freely throughout america . Its interesting howsine trumps people are about this, you know, because with an immigrant child who came over the border, they, like, zero tolerance one is too many we have to deport but with a virus killing hundreds of thousands of americans theyre like, look, man, the virus is just trying to make a better life in our lungs, who are we to stop it . But yes you heard that right, the Trump Administration is basically surrendering to the coronavirus. Theyre not using the word surrender but admiting theyre not going to control the pandemic is basically surrendering. In fact we actually have the tape of trump himself personally surrendering to covid 19. Its over after eight months of bitter fighting, this morning President Trump surrendered america to the coronavirus. I gotta hand it to you, coronavirus, you outsmarted me, and you outwitted me, also. America is all yours. Why dont you guys just wear masks . No, thanks. Id rather just surrender. Trevor you did the best you could, mr. President. At least you tried. All right, when we come back we continue our epic countdown of Donald Trumps top 100 scandals and stay tuned because Bruce Springsteen goingts be on the show. [dinosdont even [dinosaur noises] im serious [dinosaur noises] yes fritolay variety packs. Packed with possibilities. This halloween will be just like last. Well buy tons of reeses cups for the youngins. laughing then eat them all ourselves. Reeses. This was the theater i came to quite often. The support weve had over the last few months has been amazing. I have a soft spot for local places. Its not just a work environment. Everyone here is family. Gonna go ahead and support him, get my hair cut, leave a big tip. If we focus on our local communities, we can find a way to get through this together. Thank you. If you are ready to open your heart and your home, check us out. Get out and about and support our local community. We thought for sure that we were done. And this town said not today. Is someone trying to steal your butterfinger . Call the bfi. Woah. Im going in. No one lays a finger on your butterfinger. Advisor . Donald trump has all of these, and its helped make him the most scannedridden president in american history. But which of these scandal also is the best of the worst . The daily show conducted historians, political scientists and psychoanalysts and we ignored all those people and pulled something out of our ass. This is Donald Trumps 100 most tremendous scandals, and were picking up right where we left off at number 75. This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration period. Alternative facts. Whether they may have had some kind of russian money funneling through them to help them. Tax dollars to travel by private jet. 43,000 soundproof phone booth and swear to heart deal of 50 a month rent for capital lobtist. 139,000 price tag for new doors. High ended taxpayer funded dinners. 300 million contract. Work for a place that marked a masculine toilette for well endowed men. Its a wonderful line. I own some. Bite today. What was my temperament yesterday. Very calm, no temper tantrum. Urging government perceived enemies. Ivanka. Security clearances. Email servers. Jeffrey epstein. Abuse allegations from wives. Rate has continued to Court Political controversy particularly with regards to the death of a navy seal. Youve got to clean your floors and your forests. Millions of twitter followers boycotting an american company. I said please dont be too nice. Shooting them in the legs forward fying a bored wall with a trench stocked with snakes and alligators. They want more people in their sanctuary cities, well give the them more. Crazy lashes or pocahontas. Obama wiretapped him in trump tower that came from a bite bart article that was a total conspiracy theory. I know nothing about cue q anon. I just told you. It doesnt necessarily make it fact. Damn thats exhausting. You thought you werent getting anything done at the office. That brings us to tonights final scandal coming in at number 51. Involves twitter a category 5 hurricane and the worse use of a sharpie since your College Roommate drew a d. Natures fury. In department of 2019, a storm was drew brewing in the atlantic. Hurricane dorian making its way toward the United States. Forecasters expecting it to make a dramatic turn to the north. Im not sure ive heard of a cght 5. I knew it existed. A category 5 is something that i dont know that ive ever even heard the term other than i know its there. The Hurricane Dorian was nothing compared to the temp estabout to blow the roof off the oval office. Hurricane donald. The National Weather service had to scramble the correct misinformation from President Trump about dorien. President trump tweeted in addition to florida, south carolina, North Carolina and georgia, alabama will be hit much hard than anticipated. The National Weather service corrected the. Saying alabama will not see impacts from dorien. Suddenly america was caught between two claims, but who to believe . Scientists who have dedicated their lives to the study of weather patterns . Or a man who thinks wind is cause bid birds flapping too hard . This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest weve ever seen from the standpoint of water. As the people of alabama braced for massive destruction with slightly overcast skies, there was still time to avoid disaster. All President Trump had to say was sorry, i was wrong, the hurricane is not going to hit alabama. Alabama is going to get a piece of it, it looks like. It is a very, very powerful hurricane. A great place, its called alabama, and alabama could even be in for at least some very strong winds and something more that be that, it could be thats right, although the experts tried to make trump understand, he had already bored up his ears. Hurricane dorian had moved on. Narrowly missing alabama by 600 miles. But hurricane donald was just forming. After seeing an abc news report on his mistake, trump gained new strength, tweeting. Such a phony hurricane report by light weight reporter john karl of abc news. It was a direct attack on science and twitter user Jonathan Karl who is a kentucky pastor and not abc news anchor john karl, an innocent victim of hurricane donald. Over the next 36 hours, hurricane donald seems to die down, but then it returned. This time with a sharpie. In a white house video released wednesday, trump displays a modified National Hurricane center forecast. The graphic appears to be altered with a sharpie to indicate a risk the storm would move into alabama. I know that alabama was in the original forecast. They actually gave that a 95 chance thats right, donald trump tried to redraw a map with a sharpie have some respect for our intelligence at least learn to photoshop. But what if the culprit wasnt trump at all . It looked like it had a sharpie. I dont know, i dont know. It was a real mystery. Who could have possibly take an sharpie to a hurricane map . It had to be someone with an almost pathological session with using the permanent markers as if they needed their marks to be the boldest, the loudest, the most permanent, but who . There would be no way to know for certain. The storm raged for days, growing in strength until it became a category 5 tweet storm. Government agencies that most americans had never even heard of transformed into hazardous projectiles. Secretary of commerce wilbur ross threatened to fire top employees at n. O. A. A. On friday after the agencys Birmingham Office contradicted trumps claim. Trevor what began as one bad tweet escalated into a full scale political scanned with not one, not two but three government investigations. Like a sharmy drawing a fake path of a hurricane, its a scanned that simply cant be erased, all because there was a hurricane over a year ago that had a 5 to 20 chance of hitting alabama but ultimately didnt. I remember sharpie gate very well, though i like to call it pengazi. Thats all the time we have for tonight. Join us next time as we explore the world of porn stars, lill rocket man and five different flavors of racism as we continue to count down Donald Trumps 100 most tremendous scandals. Trevor all right, we have to take a quick break, but we dont want you to go anywhere because when we come back ill be talking to the legend Bruce Springsteen. This is the story of two bills. One is used to things being hard. The other found a smarter way. One does it how its always been done. The other does it better. So, which one is yours . Maximize your savings. Invest from anywhere. Finance your home. For all things money. Thank you for calling ally. 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