Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah 20240712

COM The Daily Show With Trevor Noah July 12, 2024

The fibl game of the world series so we have to say congratulations to Los Angeles Dodgers. This year belongs to the dodgers. The Los Angeles Dodgers capturing their first world series in 32 years with a 31 game six win over the tampa bay rays. The dodgers ended their 32 year world series title drought with a 31, game six win over the rays in texas last night. It was a fitting ending for one of the most turbulent seasons in league history. Trevor congratulations to l. A the world series drought is finally over. And your actual drought ask only getting worse, hey, one vic reat a time, obviously because of corona it is unlikely there will be a pa ray. But lets be honest, even if there was a parade, people wouldnt be able to see it from the sidewalk anyway, look guys it is considerree seager, no, its a light pole, congratulationsk light pole. But for real, i think this is really geat for los angeles because the city really needs a boost right now. The pandemic has hit really hard. The wildfires have displaced hundreds of thousands of people. And not to mention, half the town just found out they werent special enough to be invited to kim ks private island birthday party. Thats got to hurt. It is kind of weird because with all of these championships, if you are from l. A. , will you have very different memory of 2020 from everyone else. Think about it, you dont want to win 2020, yo, you guys remember what happened in 2020 . You mean when everyone died and we were stuck indoors . Yeah, yeah, thats what i was going to talk about. And speaking of winning, you know how we have all been stressed about how the earth is going to die, and we wont have anywhere to live . Well, problem solved. For the first time scientists have discovered water on the sun lit surface of the moon. Nasa announced that water molecules were found in and around a crater. The Space Agency Says that it could mean that there is water across the lunar surface. Nasa previously found ice but only in dark and cold areas near the moons poles. Water on the moons surface could lead to astronauts living on lunar bases in the future. Trevor yes, people, the good news is that there might be water on the moon. Bad news is, it is the sun. But still, congratulations to nasa. Because i know moon water sounds like something goop would sell to clean your private parts, but this is actually a huge discovery because if it pans out it means we can launch Space Missions from the moon. Which is much more efficient. And nasa can finally have the wet space suit contest that its always dream trood of. Plus instead of filling a rocket with water, astronauts will have space for more important flied, like white claw, aint no duis in space, baby. But i dont know why this is a surprise it makes sense that the moon has water on it, think about, it, the earth is what, 71 water, and theth and moon are lake best friends. Either way, if you ask me, im glad that they discovered this now and im glad that they didnt discover moon water on the first landing. Because man, it would have totally ruined the moment. This is one small step for man. One giant god [bleep] i just got these boots. These are said, you cant get them wet, mother [bleep] ball this is one giant [bleep] for man kind. Trevor moving on. To someone who wishes they were on the moon right now. Keith rannier, the leader of the sex cult called nexium, he was sentenced yesterday to 120 years in prison. And i hope that this is a lesson to any expiring cult leaders out there. If you want people to give you their money and worship you, dont start a cult. Because an instagram influencer. Or president. And speaking of trump, he also had a bad day in court yesterday that ended not nice. A federal judge this morning rejected an effort by the Justice Department to have the u. S. Government replace President Trump in a defamation lawsuit. The president is accused of de faming writer e. Jean carroll after she wrote in oy 2019 book that he raped her in the mid 19 90s. He called her a liar and she in turn failed a defamation suit. But the d o. J. Moved to have the u. S. Government replace trump as defendant, arguing that she was effectively suing a u. S. Government employee for actions performed on the course of a job. If i read ral judge didnt see that, and thus rejectedded the argument. Yes. Thank you federal judge. This makes perfect sense. Just because youre president , it doesnt mean that everything you do is officially part of the presidency. I mean if that were true, i would run for president just so i could get into bar fights. What did you say about my mama . Ah, what did the United States say about your momma. Also in trumps defense, he has to use the department of justice lightly. He man cant find a good lawyer no matter how much he tries. One of his lawyers went to jail and then turned against him. And the other one, he is too busy tanning in peoples yards for halloween. But rape allegations arent trumps only problem. Because the election is only a week away. And so he is spending every day on the campaign trail trying to convince voters to replace whoever is destroying this country with him. And by the way, if you are planning to attend one of those big Trump Campaign rallies, well, maybe bring in extra coats. After President Trumps final rally of the day in omaha nebraska, thousands of his supporter supportedders got stranded in freezing cold temperatures. There was a shortage of buss to transport people from the rally at the hangar to parking lots on thes on siefdz eppley airfield. Nearly a four mile walk. Police Department Officers helped assist stranded rally goers to help them find their vehicles, only what scanners reported 30 patient contacts and seven patient transports to the hospital. These are people of course struggling with the 30 degree temperatures. The rally concluded around 9 p. M. But the event site was not cleared until 12 30 a. M. I swear, guys, every day, there is another way that you can die from going to a trump rally. First you could get corona. Now you can get hypothermia . By the end of the weekend trump is just going to be tossing snakes out into the crowd. Free cobras, everybody. Free cobras and an connedars. You wont get that from sleepy joe, take that, it bites. But i guess this is a classic donald trump move, leaving his supporters stranded out in the cold. Were going to bring back manufacturing. Bye. Now while trump has chosen coronavirus as his wingman, joe biden is going with his former boss barack obama. The two of them have been going around the Country Holding separate rallies. And one thing that has become Crystal Clear is that one of these guys is trying to get the jb and the other one is retired and living the life. Wha this closing aferghtd, that people are too to us canned on covid, he said this at one of his rallies, covid, covid, covid, he is complaining. He is jealous of covids media coverage. Many of those lives lost, in the cruelest way possible. Alone. Alone. Alone in a hospital room. Alone in a nursing home. No family, no friends. If we were focused on covid now, the white house wouldnt be having its second outbreak in a month, the white house. Hes turned the white house into a hot zone. We seat empty store front and the shut erred businesses. The visible signs of lost hope and broken dreams. I will say that i miss kissing babies during the pandemic. I cant do it. But i look at that little bundle right there. Brand new. Got the new baby smell. The longest walk any parent can make, up a short flight of stairs to his childrens bedroom. Tell a child you cant play in the Little League team any more. In is so hilarious to see, how roles have been reversed because you remember when obama was president , joe biden was the guy that got to have fun while obama was giving the somber speeches. Now obama is out doing rap battles while biden is writing hallmark cards. The difference between obama and biden is the difference between white church and black church sthrks all i experienced growing up because obama makes you say amen and biden makes you say ahmen. Watching obama in that speech also remiensd us of how much delivery of a speech actually affects the message. Because when obama says i want to kiss that bab he, were like yeah, kiss that baby, barry. But if trump was like i want to kiss that little baby. You would be like yo, we need to get this baby out of here, man, i dont trust this guy. And i dont know about you, but sometimes these rallies feel like when you fall in love with someone, but theyre trying t set you up with their best friend. Well hey, girl, how you doing. Hey, barry. You free on friday night. I sure am. Wrnlings i want to you go out with my friend joe, is he a good guy, you will like him. Okay, but im only taking one for democracy. Okay, when we come back we talk about how people are making halloween work during coronavirus. And dont forget ice cube is joining us on the show. So stick around. burke deepsea driving, i see. customer Something Like that. burke well, heres Something Else with your farmers policy perk, new car replacement, you can get a new one. customer that is Something Else. burke get a whole lot of something with farmers policy perks. We are farmers. Bumpadum, bumbumbumbum this is an ad for a chip we dont need a logo. Its the threesided crunch. You know, that cheesy, spicy, crispycrunchy, flavor packed bodega snack that rhymes with. I need those. An ad with no logo . Its another level. Faster, faster theyre gaining on you [engine revving] thats good come on come on [spooky laugh] okay now [yelling] an herbal stress reliever ashwagandha, [yelling] that helps you turn the stressed life. Into your best life. Stress less and live more. With stressballs. But to someone whos tired of always ordering delivery hey google, play salt fat acid heat on netflix. Its the google dinein motivator. Nest hub from google. Show. Lets talk about halloween. You know, when the whole neighborhood pays Child Support with kit kat. But with the pandemic here, we are treating it a bit differently. Lets find out how differently in our special segment halloween in the time of corona. When you think about it, halloween is the exact opposite of social distancing. You go to as many strangers houses as possible and ask them for stuff that theyve touched. Plus there is saliva everywhere from when people eat candy corn, oh boy, candy corn. Oh. But whatever the reason, this year many sissies are doing away with halloween completely. Will halloween be cancelled . 2020 being the worst year ever, theres new concern about the treasured holiday due to the pandemic. Health officials in l. A. Announced that door to door trick or treating is banned this year. Also banned, Haunted Houses and large gatherings. New yorks classic parade that draws a Million People to Greenwich Village every year, canceled, chicago too, atlanta went virtual. In a town famous for witch trials and halloween celebrations the scawriest thing in salem, massachusetts this year, the tourists. The mater is telling sight seers to stay home. And in richmond. Trick or treating is not cancelled. However my best recommendation is that you stay home. Yes, it turns out halloween events are getting cancelled all across the u. S. Because if these cities actually held these events, somebody could die. No, but for real someone could die because of consider owna like someone could actually die, i have to get my lights fixed, why do they always do this. And if you ask me, canceling trick or treating is ridiculous. So what, im just supposed to sit at home alone in my superman costume eating a bucket of my own candy, how is that going to be different from the other nights of the year, halloween is supposed to be special, the good news is that just because there is a pandemic, what doesnt mean halloween has to be canceled. All across america people are finding ways to keep the scares coming without the virus tagging along. The cdc labeling traditional trick or treating this halloween as a high risk activity but parents are coming up with ways to keep halloween safe. Vurnlgia, they found a unique way to handle a socially distant halloween. They came up with the idea of a candy slide. Some nawbs are getting creative. One designed a candy shoot. Another a pulley system to deliver candy from the porch to the street. Some folks are going hightech dispensing candy from a drone. Meanwhile some Haunted Houses in the area are back open and adapting amid the pandemic. Theres no touching most of our dumps are done at a distance. Rooms are designed to keep actors six feet from visitors. They railroad the actors to speak as little as possible to prevent the spread of drop lets. Okay, can i just say i am glads that those Haunted Houses can stay open. Because this is the one year where its safer inside a Haunted House than outside. I am a ghost. Yeah, bitch and there is White Supremacists outside, im staying here with you. And you know, its so amazing how inventive americans have become when candy is at stake. All it took was the possibility of a few kids not getting candy and half of su buria turn noodleon musk. I would like to see those drones. Yeah, the military should use those. You would be at a wedding in the middle east, oh no, a drone, aahh. Wait. It is dropping candy, yay. Its dropping candy. Look, everybody. It is candy. It is candy corn, its candy corn, death to america. Now of course the most important part of halloween is dressing up. And far from stopping people, the pandemic is actually inspiring. Several retailers are cashing in on timely Halloween Costumes inspired by items that became important during the panld. Of course one of the most popular items toilet paper roll also is a disinfection tenant wipe costume. Check out this creation from one dads, a monster groom call. You know those face shields you see medical workers wearing, one company is turnings to into halloween mask for kids. Boo. Im frankenstein. You want to dress up as Hand Sanitizer, how about sexy Hand Sanitizer. Selling this racy mailin ballot costume that comes complete with i voted pasties. Wait, hold up. Someone is planning to shall a sngsy mailin ballot this weekend . What are you doing . If you are a sexy mailin ballot you should have been in the mail by yesterday, do you realize what you have done, are you too late, now you have to go to a sexy dropoff box where you better sexy wait in line for three hours. And look, i get dressing up as paper towels or Hand Sanitizer but please, people, whatever you do, do not dress up as a doctor or a nurse this year. Because sexy nurse or not, your ass is going to get put to work quick. Wait, no, im just a sexy nurse, im in the real. I dont give a shit, give this man on a ventilator and unjct him with some bleach bleemp, fast. That doesnt work. Look, i just dressed as a sexy hospital administrator, i am as confused as you. Look, we have to take a break but when we come back roy wood, jr. Continues his top down of dn ald trump scand alls. And ice hey baby, hey, hey you got me feelin punchdrunk crazy, so crazy its everything i want, now maybe, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh can we do it again . Your blessings all i ever wanted im stressed, you got me feelin nauseous wowwowwowwowwow wowwowwowwowwow wow wtone is used toryw things being hard. The other found a smarter way. One does it how its always been done. The other does it better. So, which one is yours . Maximize your savings. Invest from anywhere. Finance your home. For all things money. Thank you for calling ally. Tintroducing the iphone 12 prog nwith 5g. Or a moment like this. Now at tmobile, the leader in 5g coverage, you can unleash the power of the epic iphone 12 pro in more places. Get 2 iphone 12 pros 2 lines of unlimited 5g for just 100. Only at tmobile. Americas largest 5g network. I never said it but. dramatic crying whoa did svenrod just die . Yeah can you do it again . Sure, sure i always loved you. Oh man. Missed it again. Alexa, rewind 10 seconds. This is an ad for a chip we dont need a logo. Gain. Its the threesided crunch. You know, that cheesy, spicy, crispycrunchy, flavor packed bodega snack that rhymes with. I need those. An ad with no logo . Its another level. To the daily social distancing show. As you know, we have been counting down done all trumps 100 most tremendous scandals. So here is part three with roy wood, jr. Even before he became President Donald Trump was no stranger to scandal. Sometimes to kill tabloid stories he would call reporters pretending to be his own publicist. Imagine trying to fool someone over the phone if are you donald trump. You think your voice sounds like adel. But while a celebrity businessman might be able to get the media to go along with him, it is a lot harder if you are president. Over the last four areas the Fake News Media has exposed hundreds of scandals coming out of the trump administration, and none of it made a bit of a damn difference. But hey, lets continue to count them down. These are Donald Trumps 100 most tremendous scandals. President trump says hes trying to find out more about the whistleblower. He paid just 750 in federal income tax. Firing lieutenant corn err Alexander Vinman and gordon sondland. Why dont they go back and help to fix the places from which they came. Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here. Little rock et man. Tried to manipulate the count by adding a Citizenship Question to the census form. Indicted or convicted six of the president s associates. Advised Staff Members at the Natural Resources Conservation Service to avoid saying the term climate change. Syria also has a relationship with the kurds without i about the way are no angels, okay. Get that son of a bitch off the field. Fire him person, woman, man, camera, tv. Secret chinese bank acc

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