Thanks to kyle i got a golden twinkle in my eye aw, shit aw, shit captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com welcome to the daily social distancing show. Im trevor noah. Today is thursday, the 3rd of december, which means theres only 48 days left until donald trump is no longer president and can finally Start Building the first president ial library that has a ballpit. Anyway, coming up on tonights show drake wants to be in your house, ivanka trump wants to stay out of prison, and ludacris is joining me on the show. So lets do this, people welcome to the daily social distancing show. Announcer from trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show, with trevor noah. Trevor lets kick it off with the coronavirus pandemic. Its the reason you know what all your coworkers bedrooms look like without creating a problem for h. R. Right now, things are not looking good all over the world, and especially not in the united states. In fact, robert redfield, the director of the c. D. C. And man whose face got put on upsidedown by god, said yesterday that the next few months could be the most difficult in the Public Health history of this nation even worse than that sixmonth stretch when you couldnt go anywhere without hearing baby shark. We thought that was the pandemic the good news is that a vaccine is right around the corner, but you still need to get enough people to get the vaccine so that people are immune. And lets face it, in a country where millions of people refuse to wear masks, theres a good chance many of them will resist getting an injection, which is sort of like a mask that hurts. So thats why some highprofile people from across the political spectrum are forming a supergroup to promote the vaccine. In a show of president ial leadership in this health crisis, three former president s are ready to roll up their sleeves to bolster Public Confidence in the new coronavirus vaccines, barack obama, george w. Bush, and bill clinton all volunteering to get their shots on camera once the f. D. A. Authorizes a vaccine. Clinton and obama got on board after president bush reached out to dr. Anthony fauci and dr. Deborah birx to see how he could help promote the vaccine. Trevor now, that is some president ial leadership, offering to get the vaccine on live tv before everybody else to boost Public Confidence. Also, its a great way to sneak ahead to the front of the line. I see you, barry yeah, i see you. You and bill and george snatching those first shots no hate fellas, game recognize game you know the game is not going to stop there, because i bet there will be one smart secret Service Agent who will be like,did somebody say shot, ill protect you and jump in front of the needle and say i got vax napted for you. And you might be wondering, why hasnt President Trump also offered to take the vaccine . By the time the vaccines are available, hell also be a former president. But dont forget, he beat corona, so hes already immune. Also, he cant go before the other president s, because hell take all the lollipops. Im actually glad that trump isnt part of this event. Because you know he would find a way to make things awkward. trump im not getting the vaccine on camera. I dont want to show my butt aide sir, they can do it in your arm. trump too late. I already dropped my pants. Not to mention watching them get the vaccine on tv doesnt really help. What we really need to do is watch them 24 7 after the vaccine so we can see its safe so they all need to live together in a house where we can see them eat and sleep and hangout. Of course, until there is a vaccine, it will be more important than ever to continue following social distancing guidelines. Now, the good news is that a lot of politicians have been speaking out very clearly about the need to stay safe. The bad news is these politicians havent all been practicing what they preach. A number of Democratic Leaders apologizing or reversing course, after multiple occurrences of do as i say, not as i do. They have been caught not following their own coronavirus guidelines. In san francisco, mayor london breed facing backlash after it was revealed that she attended a Birthday Party last month at the french laundry, the famed and exclusive napa valley restaurant, with seven other people at her table. And when this party happened, such gatherings were discouraged by statewide guidelines. The day before breeds dinner at the french laundry, governor gavin newsom also attended a party there with at least a dozen other people from different households. In denver, mayor Michael Hancock told residents of his city to skip large thanksgiving dinners, and then he promptly appeared at the Denver Airport and flew to mississippi to spend the holiday with his wife and daughter. Before thanksgiving, the mayor of austin, texas, had this message for his city you need to stay home if you can, do everything you can to try to keep the numbers down. This is not the time to relax. But it turns out, when he gave that warning, mayor steve adler wasnt home. He was on vacation in the swanky mexican resort of cabo san lucas. Trevor man, come on. What is it with these democrats . Hey, everybody, its your mayor here, telling you do the right thing and stay home. All my boys at the pool know what im talking about say whats up, everybody we livin that cabo life, bitches im sorery man, everyone has given up their lives and theyre hypocrites. Do you guys think corona respects your office too much to come after you . Because if it got the president of the united states, its not going to be starstruck by governor hair gel. And, yeah, i know republicans are also having big indoor parties. I know that. People say, what, about the republicans . Everyone expects them to the official Republican Party platform now is just. loudly coughs . In fact, in a way, these democrats are even worse than antimaskers because of their hypocrisy. At least when those dudes break the rules, theyre open about it. Antimask people are Walking Around in bars breathing into each others faces. Do you have any covid in you . Would you like some . But you know what . Its not healthy to dwell on the bad news all the time. Theres definitely bad news. Its 2020. For the next few minutes, lets make like donald trump and pretend coronavirus doesnt exist. And what better way to do that than another episode of ray of sunshine. Our first ray of sunshine comes from the moon. And i know some of you are thinking, how can you have a ray of sunshine from the moon, because the moon reflects light from the sun. Thats what moonlight is dont you remember thirdgrade science . i actually tonight remember it, either. I just googled it now. Anyway, heres whats happening on the moon right now right now, a chinese robotic craft is collecting samples on the moon. Its touched down where apollo and the sputnik missions have never ventured. Chinas Space Administration says for two days, it will drill, it will collect samples. The goal is to bring back four pounds of dust, of rock, debris, later this month. And the samples will be brought back to the earth in 44 years. Its been a while since weve done the moon exploration. Trevor wow, we havent collected any moon rocks in 44 years. Ill bet tatheyve changed a lot since back then. They probably graduated moon college, met another moon rock, and had some little moon rocks of their own. Then they started moon rock drinking and developed a gambling problem. And the one moon rock tells the other to get their act together. And tells him to get his goddam act together, and hes all like, why dont you mind your damned business. Anyway, it will be nice to catch up. But thats right, china is sending a robotic craft to the and this is pretty slick of china to do this now when everyone is still angry at them over the pandemic. Hey, china, for real, did you try to hide covid when it started in wuhan . Id love to answer your questions, but we have to go get rocks on the moon. Also, i just want to put it out there maybe this isnt the best year for humanity to be visiting the moon . I cant even travel to vermont without a quarantine. Maybe we shouldnt be sending humans to touch thungz in space. I dont want aliens coming down in two weeks like, what the hell, guys. You gave us covid19. human were so sorry it helps if you just put a mask alien dont take away my freedoms but lets return to earth for some news from the United Nations. Its where all the worlds most important leaders gather together. For a slummmmber party and the organization that brings nations together now has something to bring to the party. The United Nations has now removed cannabis from their list of most dangerous drugs. Marijuana had been categorized by the World Health Organization as a socalled schedule 4 drug. Heroin is in the same group. Well, now a panel voted to move cannabis into a lower category known as schedule 1. It includes drugs that are still considered highly addictive but can also be used medically. Many countries look to the u. N. Classification for policy guidance. Trevor thats right, the United Nations has officially removed cannabis from its list of mostdangerous drugs, which is fantastic. Because if any group could mellow out a bit, its world leaders. I mean, right now, israel and palestine hate each other so much, but if they smoked a little weed together, couldnt they become friends . The answer would be no. Theyd probably still hate each other, but would they want to get off the couch to do any world leader smoking pot would be awesome, because they would be like. Ya, mon, that be some irie kush right dere. Uh, sir, youre the Prime Minister of sweden. Dyats how ya know its good. I will say this, i would not be want to be a u. N. Translator right now, because that job is about to get real strange. It is with this that the. giggling i lost it. And. laughing i cant. I cant. Whoa you guys see that . Trevor moving on. From the world of diplomacy to the world of hip hop and home decorating. Yeah, thats right, the new drake just dropped, and i cant tell you how it sounds, but i can tell you how it smells. Sure smells great. Here is a unique holiday gift. Have your home smell like drake, bill. The singer has released a series of scented candles, and the scent called carby musk claims to smell like the canadian rapper himself, filled with notes of musk, ambers, cashmere, suede, and velvet. It costs about 80 bucks and includes a marker for you to write the recipients name on the candle. Trevor whoa, eighty bucks . i love drake, but i feel like hes really overestimating how much i want my house to smell like an emotional rapper. And even if i do agree to spend 80o a drakesmelling candle, i need ton which drake smell im talking about. Because you smell different at different times. Am i getting drake before the concert or drake after . Because one smells like blueberries with a hint of egyptian musk, and the other smells so sweaty you can tell his balls are stuck to one leg. And finally, the queen of england. Shes the titular head of the United Kingdom and the reason every british actress has a job. And she has a job opening. Heres a job opportunity that does not come around very often. Queen elizabeth is looking to hire a new personal assistant in the office at can the buck. The person will be in charge of managing requests, coordinating meets and appointments and drafting correspondence. It comes with a twoyear contract and a salary of almost 50,000 a year. Trevor okay, fifty grand a year is a decent salary, but not enough for the queens personal assistant, because youre the assistant. Youre going to know all the queens secrets. If she wants to keep her meghan voodoo doll under wraps, thats got to be worth more than 50 grand more. And the queen better not say its because the economy isnt great. Thats a weird excuse to make when youre sitting in a castle. queen i wish we could pay more, but money is tight right now. cockney your Diamond Crown is crooked, you majesty. queen sorry, its because of all the diamonds. And, look, on some level, it would be fun to work for the queen managing her appointments, having tea with her, telling the cops you were driving after she runs someone over. But its also got to be a super stressful. Theres so many tasks to keep on top of. Every day its like, wait, was it feed the corgis and behead the traitor, or feed the traitor and behead the corgis . Oh, what have i done of course, a celebrity assistant these days is basically just a 20something who manages social media accounts, which is going to be confusing for the queen. queen so i dont quite understand this latest tweet from us. What is the it that idris elba can get . All right, we have go to take a quick break, but when we come back, desi lydic will explain why the trump kids deserve a pardon. Yeah, i know. And then roy wood jr. Is going to check out the year in movies and ludacris come on over here amanda nunes wears hers with pride. From standing up for herself against the doubters, to being the only woman in her mma training gym. Amanda refused to let stereotypes get in her way. Whether inside the octagon or out. Since 1925, weve proved that it doesnt matter where you come from, it matters what youre made of. Modelo. The official beer of ufc. Hey, tracee, i cant hear you over this flamin hot crunch. Oh, crispy, airy, tasty poppables. Stax. Im totally tubular. Lays. A little joy with every bag. Lays. Thgreat stocking stuffers. Ke but how about rightnowinyourmouth stuffers. Happy holidays to your mouth. Not sorry. Reeses. Trevor welcome back to the daily social distancing show. In just 48 days, President Trump will lose all the powers that come with the presidency, like vetoing bills and getting to pick the inflight movie on air force one. But even worse for trump, hell lose the power to pardon people. So he might take advantage of it while he can. In another sign President Trump is preparing for life after the white house, multiple sources telling nbc news he is considering preemptive pardons for his three eldest children, his soninlaw, and other close associates. Trevor yup, you heard that right. Trump might preemptively pardon ivanka, don jr. , eric, and jared, which is groundbreaking. Because this could be the first time trump gives all his kids the same gift, because when they were growing up, they would get different presents. Like, ivanka would get a horse, and eric would get a shovel to scoop up horse shit. But the big question is, is it legal for trowsm pardon his own children . To help me answer that lets turn to our own senior legal correspondent, desi lydic. Desi, this seems really shady. If trump pardons all his kids, isnt that basically admitting that theyre criminals . Of course not, trevor. Sounds like someone didnt go to law school i didnt either, but ive partied there. But the fact is these pardons are preemptive. Right . That doesnt mean theyre criminals. It means theyre precriminals. And in a way, were all precriminals. I mean, are you telling me you know for sure that you would never get into a bar fight or help a friend knock over a bank. Trevor yeah, i know im not going to knock over a kneang. All right, ill find someone else. Trevor desi, what about the fact that this could be a blanket pardon . It could cover literally any crime. Thats a good thing. See, we dont know what theyve done, but they might not know, either. There are so many crimes you could commit without even realizing it. They could go after don jr. For not filling out every tax form perfectly, or hunting a rhinoceros because it was in the zoo. And thats not right, trevor. In america, we dont want to send innocent people to jail. This isnt Africa Trevor wow, okay. Okay, let me ask you this, disezy at the very least, you have to admit this is hypocritical. Trumps whole deal is hes the law and order president. Now hes using his power to subvert the Justice System. Right, but this is law and order. Hes bringing the people outside the law, back into the law, which allows them to order lunch, because they wont be in jail. Law and order. Trevor that is not what law and order means. Again, trevor, youre not a lawyer, and im on the board at columbia law school. Theres a cork board that says, if you see this woman, call campus security. Trevor but, desi, if all the trump kids are so clearly innocent, then why cant they just trust the Justice System . To prove it . Uhh, are you kidding . Because once joe biden takes power, he and the democrat deep state are just going to use the Justice System to get revenge, thats why i mean, thats the way it works around here. In america, so many innocent people get sent to jail. This isnt africa now, if youll excuse me, i have to go. Ronnys waiting for me at the wells fargo. See, hes a real friend trevor desi, please dont rob a bank with ronny. No, no, no, trevor. Its fine. Coworkers dont have to testify against each other. Its the perfect crime trevor desi, i dont think thats true, i might have to testify man, i have to stop asking her for legal questions. All right, when we come back, roy wood jr. Takes a look at the movies and Television Shows we all watched in 2020. And ludacris is still coming up stick around. Somebody needs to call ronny and pennsylvania, winning the white house and denying President Trump a second term. Donald trump built his brand on being a winner. You have to think like a winner. Now he cant stop losing. Joseph r. Biden jr. Is elected the 46th president. Certified joe biden as the winner. Day after day. A federal judge appointed by trump himself dismissed the president s efforts to throw out votes. After day. Election night that turned into election week. Election day is stretching well into election month. Election month, election two months. What the hell is going on . From the people who brought you, ill release my taxes when the audit is finished, and ill release my Health Care Plan in two weeks. A Beautiful Health care bill. Comes from a man who lost again. Trump lost wisconsin again. And again. He keeps losing court cases, recounts, and certifications. And again. He keeps relosing the