Whatever you would like if youd like to participate in the conversation. So what Everybody Knows she would much rather love other people than herself. So given what we know that so many of us warned why did you write a book . Thank you everybody for being here i didnt set out to write a book or certainly not by myself when i left the white house i found wonderful work at new america i kept my head down and focused. But i remember women in particular challenge me to think i had something to say that might be of value. I thought what do i really have to say that would make a difference to anybody. But that forced me to think about it. What do i have to say and to whom . I do a lot of public speaking is become policy issues and student groups all the time when i tell stories over the course of my career all the time i have the same stories because thats what resonates invariably somebody will come up when i am done in 100 percent of the time its a woman most of the time it is a woman of color and says to me that saying that you said im so glad you said that i thought i was the only one. So i put myself in the presence of those over the years i have something to say and i say it all the time so once i gave myself permission to believe i have something to contribute i immediately knew about the book and i spoke to seven women also women of color who had stories to tell and that some of the stuff i had struggled with is the same staff everybody else struggled with that we often dont talk about it and think it shows signs of weakness instead of strength thats just wrong and we are leaders already and women of color so the book is an offering of stories from my own experience and experience of the women who were generous enough to share their story and the strategy if we have ourselves and aware people around us so the idea is to remind all of us we have what it takes. So for anyone who doesnt know listening to us now the Vice President for technology in here at new america came to us after being the head of the Domestic Policy Council in the Obama White House which is the highest domestic policy position there is in the white house. Its not a cabinet position. Before that she spent 20 years working on policy and she would never want me to say this but one of what we talk about the our third genius award. Because i am certain there are people out there who think nobody but that type of resume could ever. But we say you are 100 percent secure whether or not i belong here so maybe you talk about those that interviewed you your colleagues or friends or other women of color. Yes. Because to say that we talk about the things that under estimation so i tell the story of putting on makeup working at Chicago Public schools and at the time i really was young so i said i would make myself look more mature. But in sharing that we really connected on the people level and that was part of the process because other women are outraged at some of the obstacles from the outset that said yes, me too. And with the elderly and others that are really smart strategie strategies. So that is a story about having to get your way in. So this wasnt figurative it was called the sharp elbow and other tools so when i first got to washington i was 26. And was thrown into a circle of advocates that were pretty much all men most of them were tall men charles kawasaki stepped away from his role and pushed me in and there i was with the guys and at 5foot 2inch and 26 years old i actually recount i took up swearing on purpose to compensate for my size and soft spoken is like i can show these people i need to be tough so i literally started to swear that is not a strategy i recommend. Working on an immigration bill at one point with the congressional markup to get that amended and changed and it ended and the guys stood up into the huddle i was in heels i was angry at talk to charles and set i will never fit in and he said look you are new. You are short and a woman literally said usurer elbow and say let me in the circle which i did but i only had to do it once. But that is what it was like. Over and over i find i am still frequently the only woman in the room or a person of color in the room into be the only woman that i spoke to and the elbow isnt strategy but you need to use it fairly often. And it helps that we talk about it. The one person speaking for everybody. And you had a story. And with the prior administrations and that was all the time. And at the couple of years ago it is true that it comes with that and then also the challenges to have those preconceptions that carry that weight for that responsibility and that is unique to our experience. So talk about being underestimated part of that is how we underestimate ourselves we are constantly worried. But there is also the feeling that you know others are underestimating you. If you say i feel my blackness to get higher up than it means i am a woman in a mans world but also the majority. I am a woman. I am a woman of color. People dont see you at all. That you might want to talk about if you feel like people are underestimating you. And the bigotry of lower expectations and people cant see it. And that potential but then with the all faculty talking about diversity and i wanted to make that point without saying it and i remember thinking and this is what people think about me but really if it is africanamerican or women in the case to the workforce but in general that i want to create space in the workplace and i do that in part and those that you just dont see a lot. And i dont have that luxury now but i got people to show up the way they want to express themselves theres plenty of things they dont exercise because of that but it is preparedness. That you know that your competent and the skill, you want to make sure to take out any margin of error. We tend to over prepare i have been invited to spaces and places because i constructed you may have invited for this reason but i will show you how much more i can contribute as part of that. And then to up the nation. So why did you call your book that . [laughter] its a wonderful title talking with my editor i think the world is to what we bring. But also it referred exactly that all the women that i spoke to landed on the same strategy that when we are concerned we have what it takes then we over prepare so what we do is be over prepare we work and show up knowing our stuff and then we leaned back into that that gives us the strength to compensate for whatever doubts we have. One of the stories i tell in the book has to do with the time one of those i served under told a couple of folks writing the books when i was a domestic policy director i think he said in so many words but the impression the two people that wrote books the impression is that maybe i was less qualified. And with that time i was at the white house. Not that i didnt think i could do the job for president of the United States and i was in a job for five years. But because if that is what that one person felt what is everyone in the world thinking . And then toned up find this stuff that blew up was this set. I dont want that that well to surround this person with other people can carry the water. So in a sense you are not quite on your game you get feedback that they organize meetings without you. And what does it mean and then do a number on yourself. And i learned from talking to other people that this happened to and then just make sure youre doing a really good job and that you are prepared and invariably answer a question you dont know the answer to then you go find out. And that is part of the strategy. One said ultra prepared and that i also see somebody that was a special all secretary which is an incredible highpressure job and was the unconventional choice because it is like the emily post pedigree and what she had was smart and skill and creativity. But those watching her because she didnt fit their image of should operate in that job happens to women and people of color all the time. The way we deal with it is show up. I think everyone has the experience feeling like they are invisible or underestimated or not heard so often. And a fair number felt that they thought we were the affirmative action higher. And all those that know whether on our panel. And with those qualifications. But i do think that again this is almost reflective i immediately assume there is something extra because how els else . Anybody that is thinking that the cards are stacked against you. So the fact that you could even be considered and with that preparation so i wish i could give people different lenses to understand what it takes but also with that pressure to come at you from society. Asking about how she got to princeton through affirmative action and says that got me to the starting line with then you have to sell let them be prepared and do it well. Nobody will let you take shortcuts. And with those expectations. And to that point and with that metaphor. And it is excessive after that i thought more about lock than life preparedness. And then any moment now my luck will run out is not about life but opportunity to get to the starting line. But im here because of the confidence so it could be tempting because this is a different narrative in your head with this power issue to bring to the table. Do you feel you have other expectations on your shoulders . And that position and to go to have that kind of hope and expectations and with other people to come after you and people of color . Yes. And to describe that in the way i experience it is the person in this role i better not screw it up it will be harder for whoever comes after me. I was the seniormost person in the white house. So with my expertise i know the community really well and the thing that i know a lot about on with lots of other people to describe in the book is an Amazing Group of people there were a lot of us but to carry the water there is attention that i feel all the time and i never understood if i got the balance right or not that there are those that dont necessarily know what you know and to do the job well but sometimes your job is to hold back a little bit it isnt to be an advocate 100 percent of the time that we serve the whole country well. And to be understood and to lift up her stuff and let her have her five minutes of talking then we will go on and do everything. So he will have to represent, calibrate so they can hear you know what they just dont know it will be uncomfortable. In which of the times we are pushing too hard its a constant calibration. But there is a sense if you screw it up it will be harder for the next person after you. And what we tried to do like people like Valerie Jarrett to try to create a safe space for people to ask for feedback, to up their game and do that calibration and this is one of the strategies outlined in the book and i had a conversation just this weekend someone else looking for advice that despite those who are safe enough you can say how did that go with that didnt go well valerie was one of those places for me that she provided one of them and you cant say how do i . Of not being understood with this point im trying to make i cannot tell how others are receiving me she was committed to her comments to make sure she did the job well to get feedback thats one of the strategies i recommend asking for feedback but when you can give it honestly some people see that as a sign of weakness i think its a sign of strength and im trying to up my game so its important to figure out who your team is and i didnt just ask for feedback from the people that i reported to but also reporting to me. That was important that i did a good job. As the deputy chief of staff as department of education and the deputy secretary that you were pretty high up there. Yes and the three of us do that. [laughter] and then the three of us do this together because he never stops whats going on within that organization so it is critical that all stages. And then you have to look for those people to tell you what they thank you want to hear but it doesnt make it better in fact i am skeptical that really you cannot come up with anything . Its not possible. And then looking for that feedback it with my own sense of self on that network of people to help you calibrate you have to push and you want to push maybe we go too far or not far enough but to be on your own calibration to be at peace with yourself. We have worked together in many different ways you have taught me more that not only report to me but i learned far more and i have another questio question. What i failed to take into account i almost by definition more perspective than in the way decisions are traditionally made corporate boardrooms and many settings that determine the course of our lives where decisions are made frequently by men so just by virtue and there is evidence now that those from a variety of backgrounds making a decision to make better decisions they make decisions that are more effective than this is true for every sector. Some people early in their careers to just know when they walked in the room that the people in the room need you and what you bring they may not know that they do but they do. And its important that you know that they do that for you get the confidence to say the hard things that sometimes you need to say or you just hold your own we feel like you are on your ow own. And that evidence to support it but the key is. So there is a comment many of you are commenting and asking questions one of the things that i think is special is that you come from a place of kindness and generosity and talk about the superpowers but the part of the book thats not what people would expect but that is not exactly the first thing you recommend so talk about the book. We think about this long and hard and thank you for that lovely comment. She herself is the episcopal priest so she knows a thing or two. And is in the book because it is too often mistaken for weakness and thats a mistake i talk about at how the beginning of my career i took up swearing to show that i could be tough. And we understand leadership and toughness from a narrow lens not that man cant be kind but not necessarily what we associate with leadership but its a way i try to show up in the world and its a skill set. It is tremendously important. And part of my job was to help drive the decisionmaking at the president s desk. Was never the smartest person in the room rarely had expertise and what they were discussing but those that i had that made me good at the job i could understand as you might imagine the secretary of commerce disagreed with each other my job in that moment was to make sure each got heard that they felt if they were in disagreement and the they would have to decide got the information that they needed the policy brilliance but in that moment to make sure that people who disagree can live whatever decision that they make sometimes day when those decisions the perspective prevails sometimes it does sometimes it doesnt but that information was present to say now i will support that decision because this was a fair process so that requires sympathy and kindness to understand what somebody needs to get a decision made and we think too frequently that the person showing up at kindness is not showing up with strength so i have been very inspired by the book of genesis and then to be okay on the job swearing is the expression of emotion. People do it all the time and enough already through the dawn of time in order to be leaders. That has gotten us fairly far back there are limits and its time to reshape what we think leadership looks like. I could not agree more we also men are socialized not to show their emotions swearing is okay even showing physical emotion and empathy. So its particularly important in washington where you feel that you think the worst of people then you are naive and its not tough enough for the game that if we are working on behalf of the American People and we are supposed to take the seriously that kindness, empathy, emotion, the connection to people is so important and with the government that if youre not this sentence call oldschool journalist so i found that part of your book to be extremely important. Thank you. My former colleague with asking a question. That was one of my questions so thank you. [laughter] the person the people in my head were women and women of color in particular but i think its important for other people to understand what we wrestle with. And also to have an opportunity for what retribution looks like. I hope it is useful to men and i hope people enjoy the book but most of all i hope they find it useful. Thats why i wrote it. We talk about those as human beings so there are some things that are unique. I often think how many books i have written about leadership and i heard from them that they dont always apply but then to learn from them i cannot believe that they dont equally learn but just thinking about themselves how to be emotional is valuable. So we are ready to turn to questions i see one that they said there is any woman you have interviewed have a strategy for a white fragility . For the idea that when you are raising critiques from the position of a woman or person of color often white people get very defensive so you have to protect against that. That is a question. Even just with a specific topic and maybe we should have because it is a thing. But i didnt ask that question in so many terms but i will say that anybody that i have spoke to feels they are juggling multiple things that just came up in my conversations about kindness and representing everybody. And that multiple identities one includes a person who is listening to understand and there is a sense that we are expected to represent as well as understand and this is an argument i have with my wonderful adult daughters with that conversation we are having a lot that they are less willing to modulate how they present something so they can be heard that is much more about expression and being true and authentic. I modulate all the time. But for me i can only speak for me on this, my goal and almost all of those conversations is to bring them with me thats why i modulate but i respect thats not everybodys goal. I remember us having that conversation of impact and if we could modulate to have impact and then just to say deal with it that they should navigate with those conversations that is a part of that but they have to hear it and deal with it and it also depends on what we are talking about that just puts the ball on the other side of the court. That the question from one of the Board Members that i love this question everything you say speaks to the tremendous dignity on your part. In a for women to demonstrate anger and frustration and along the front lines of the estimation. Yes. I never lost it like nine now i will yell at people kind of way but it manifests itself in tears. I had one memorable occasion that the summer of 2014 it was the crisis of large numbers of children coming through Central America alone and a lot of us were making share one are we were caring for those kids and it seems like such a long