Thats very nice. Welcome, brooklyn. Thank you for coming. Thanks for watching at home. Wear on the road beaming into your heads from the Howard Gillman opera house at the Brooklyn Academy of music in brooklyn, new york. [ cheers and applause ] please, its an opera house. Sit. Thank you very much. Was there enough bike parking for everyone here tonight . This is our third time broadcasting from brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] we had a lot of fun last time but a lot has changed since we were here in 2015. Bedstuy is the new williamsb g williamsburg. Tickets to hamilton are only 500 each now. I dont know if im going to make it to the end of the week. Ive been eating my blood mozzarella level is. 375 right now. I ate at frankies three nights in a row. My daughter jane yesterday, shes 3 years old. She asked if we can move here. She said, can this be our home . [ cheers and applause ] we had the window open and a breeze came in and i said, it smells good. And she said, sometimes it smells like dog poop. [ laughter ] sometimes it smells like flowers. And i really think that sums brooklyn up perfectly. Every time we come line Something Weird happens. Breaking news out of prospect park, brooklyn. A cow is on the loose. The cow is near a soccer field there. A cow. In l. A. We go through a similar thing every time gary busey gets out of his pen. This cow escapes from a slaughterhouse, the only one that hasnt been converted into an art gallery event space yet, ended up on a soccer field which any parents will tell you is the worst place in the world to be. They had a hard time catching it, took two hours to get ahold of this baby bull. The police were able to wrangle it. I believe the bull was arrested and charged with reckless endangerment. I think you guys might be going overboard with the farm to table thing. The bull will not end up under a slice of melted parmesan. They have a policy where if an animal escapes a slaughterhouse, it goes free. [ cheers and applause ] the bull is being sent to a rehabilitation facility for misbehaving cows. Bad news, its also where they sent harvey weinstein. Oh, is it too soon . Im not sure if its too soon yet. We have a great show for you. A man i admire intensely, David Letterman, is here with us tonight. David letterman. I dont know if i can say this, David Letterman is to me what beyonce is to everyone else. If dave had any idea how excited that i am he is here tonight, he would not under any circumstances be here tonight. If that isnt enough, and by god, dont you think it ought to be, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all week, mr. Paul shaffer [ cheers and applause ] thank you, jimmy. How about those cletones. Cletones be rocking. Good to be with you. Jimmy thank you for being here with us, paul. This is how we got letterman on the show. We kidnapped paul and said youd better show up. Also we have music from fifth harmony. And i feel like were missing somebody. Guillermo jimmy yes, wheres guillermo . Do we know . Jimmy oh, okay. Now i understand whats going on. Yeah, bring him right in. Thank you. Sometimes he gets a little bit drunk. Hi, everybody [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks, guillermo. What they call a brooklyn burrito. The good news is it didnt mess your hair up at all. No, its perfect. Jimmy it looks perfect. Say hello to everybody. Hi, everybody love Brooklyn Jimmy as you know, brooklyn is home to many great cooks and chefs and bakers and artisans of all types. It is also home to the worlds biggest maker of Fortune Cookies. A Company Called won ton food, theyre based in brooklyn. They have a factory in long island city. I happen to love a good Fortune Cookie so we took a field trip to convenes to learn how they put those fortunes in the cookies and to maybe write a few of our own. This is the place . Jimmy yeah. Lets check this out. All right. Hey, jimmy. Nice meeting you. Did you carry him all the way . Jimmy yeah i did. Can we come in, were exhausted. Welcome to wonton food. Jimmy how do i look . You look good too. Fortune cookies so this is the production floor. Jimmy these are them . These are them. The batter goes from up here to down here to all the machines. They get baked and then here is the packing part of it jimmy when you say they get baked, these people are high . I meant the cookies. Jimmy the cookies themselves. Jimmy how many fortunes are in one of these rolls . 4,000. Jimmy 4,000 fortunes in here. You write everything . I didnt write every one of them, no. Jimmy do people who are gluten free ever just buy the roll . No. We dont sell the paper by itself. Jimmy were going to make a lot of money you and i. I would love to help but i know guillermo also would love to help write some fortunes. That would be great. Jimmy then you need to meet the vetting committee. Jimmy this vetting committee, does it have to be unanimous . Yes. It does. Its a health process. Ladies and guys or just guys . Both. With the ladies well do good. Jimmy oh, yeah, especially in these hats. This is where you write the fortunes . This is where we write the fortunes. Jimmy it is not as magical as i imagined. A tiny office. Little tiny office. Little desk. Jimmy this is where peoples fates are decided in a cubicle . Its actually quite poet effect you think about life. And the flight of the american worker. You know what im saying . Ill give you guys a little time. Jimmy heres a little time, well work on it. Ill come back and check on you guys. Jimmy thank you. Well get to work. I cant think of anything. What are you writing . I put money is not everything but you can buy a lot of expensive things. Is that good . Jimmy it is, yeah. Its really good. Im going to write it also. Money is not everything. Thats not cheating . Jimmy what cheating . That was my idea. Jimmy no, no. Give me another one. I have another one. Jimmy uhhuh. Mexican food is better than chinese food. [ laughter ] jimmy mexican food is better than chinese food. Swhat same thing. Jimmy almost. But not exactly. I have a period at the end of my sentence. I think hes watching us. What about this . Pay your bill and go home. Thats a good one. Jimmy theres fried rice in your goatee. Fortune cookie is like a wife. You might get a good one or you may not. [ laughter ] jimmy i like it. I like it too. Jimmy if you read this out loud, you will get syphilis. Wow, thats a good one. Jimmy yeah, thank you. So how are you doing . Jimmy i think were doing well. We wrote a bunch of them. I feel like the vetting committee will love them. It would be great if we could get an endorsement from you to the committee before we start. Definitely. Jimmy great. Ill do the introduction. Jimmy excellent. Lets do it. Im really nervous right now. Me too. Im the last member of the committee. Jimmy youre the vetting committee . Yes, i am. Jimmy you son of a bitch. Your honors, this is my friend guillermo. He will begin with my first idea. My first idea. Jimmy thats what i said. Read it. You are about to eat a cookie. Jimmy cute, right . Alice likes it. I got one. Thats good. Jimmy thank you, alice. Maybe youll like mine more. How many orange chickens have to die before you people are happy . [ laughter ] we even lost alice on that one. Wow, zero. Jimmy go ahead, guillermo. Dont order vegetables, theyre not fresh. [ laughter ] jimmy thats a no . All right. You will soon be coming into a large sum of bed, bath beyond coup coupons. One thumbs up . Julia, youre killing me. How about this, then . You will find love in a starbucks bathroom. Lucky numbers 2, 5, 13, 18, 27, 9. All thumbs down . 100 on that one. Someone will buy you a tequila shot. Wow congratulations i got 100, yeah thank you very much, thank you very much thank you, thank you jimmy i think maybe we should have a tequila shot. I happen to have some tequila. Jimmy i happen to have some shot glasses. All right, lets do it jimmy how do you say cheers in chinese . [ toasting in chinese ] jimmy that was fun, huh . Nice people. Give me one of those Fortune Cookies, will you . Here. Jimmy thank you. Mine says, new and rewarding opportunities will soon develop for you. Thats bad news for you. Let me read mine. You are about to get hit by a bus. Jimmy what . You are about to get hit by my Fortune Cookie [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the one time the bus shows up. Thanks to everyone at wonton foods. Tonight music from fifth harmony. Well be right back with David Letterman. [ cheers and applause ] its exactly what i asked for. Let out your inner child at the lexus december to remember sales event. Lease the 2017 is turbo for 299 a month for 36 months. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. Directv has been rated number one in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like wet grocery bags. Getting a bad haircut. Overcrowded trains. Turnstiles that dont turn. And spilling coffee on themselves. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable, switch to directv. And for a limited time get a 100 reward card. Call 1800directv can you dance like you should should, should, should can you dance like you should can you dance like you should make the rules while dancing you could dance like you should can you dance like you should make the rules while dancing can you dance like you should well, it turns out she doesnt. Ht i knew everything about garthbut now i do. I just finished his new book. Yes, he wrote a book. Im so proud of him. Its not a book. Its the anthology part 1 of a part 5 series. Its a. Its a book with cds in it. And stories like ive never heard before. Pictures ive never seen. In a really sweet package. I know what im getting everybody for christmas this year. announcer 240 pages, 5 albums, and hundreds of neverbeforeseen photos. Available now at target. And honey, theres some things in here that i dont think i wouldve told. Jimmy welcome back to the show. That is the worlds most dangerous bandleader paul shaffer, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all this week. This is night two of pauls miniresidency with us. A mini residency, just like Britney Spears in las vegas. Jimmy just like Britney Spears. Call me britney from now on. Jimmy ill do that, thank you, britney. Then, this is their selftitled album. Its called fifth harmony and so are they. Fifth harmony, live from the title x benefit Concert Center down the street at Barclays Center tomorrow night, howard stern will be here. Cardi b will be with us. And later this week, billy joel, tracy morgan, Woody Harrelson tony bennett, and maybe even a surprise or two along the way. Its time to see a Real Talk Show host. Two very long years ago, our first guest left us to fend for ourselves. But hes back, thank goodness, with a new show on netflix and a very furry face. On sunday, he will receive the mark twain prize at the Kennedy Center. Please welcome David Letterman. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] welcome. Thank you. Jimmy thank you for being here. Im so excited to be here. Its so good to see famous people again. [ laughter ] just to be out of the house, ladies and gentlemen and paul, you didnt tell me you work here now. I was afraid to tell you. When in the heck did that happen . Thank you. Jimmy thats britney, he goes by britney now. Thats what i understand. How are you doing, and thank you, and thank you everybody. Its very nice. [ cheers and applause ] im doing well. Jimmy how are you doing . Ill tell you something. Youre looking at a man who is laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. I dont know if youve had this problem for a year. I have been looking high and low. I am determined to find a shirt that looks good untucked. I cant find one. Jimmy i think theres a website. Could it be that hard . Jimmy is this suit youre wearing from the late show . Or is this something you had to go out and get on your own . None of your business. [ laughter ] can i talk to you, jimmy . Jimmy yeah, sure. Talk. You know me, im a celebrity. Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] and when stuff happens, just to give you an example, ill start slow. Many its, many, many years ago my niece got married. When youre getting married, you want like a big thing and a honeymoon and a rehearsal dinner and all that crap, and presents. So i thought long and hard and said i have to get big impressive presents because i am the top star of the day. [ laughter ] i figured it out and you get a set of tires. And you wrap them up individually so you have four enormous gifts. And theyre tires. So i thought, well, this is fantastic. My work is done here. Who cares if they want them or if they use them . And then i think one time, because youre in show business and you would get the joke, i said to you, ties. Jimmy i didnt take it as a joke, and in fact, i am wearing one of the ties that you sent me. Thats a beauty. That one shouldnt have gone out. Thats a beauty. Jimmy i will give this back to you. You sent me, a few days after you left the late show, a box of what appeared to be all of your ties. Youre exactly correct. Jimmy i was quite delighted by that. Thats how its supposed to work. Jimmy i still am delighted. And one time my agents son was having a bar mitzvah, sent him a carton of cigarettes. [ laughter ] jimmy great gift. Its only a joke. We all understand that. You understand it. The kid understood it. Everybody did. So a couple years ago when i was either fired or i retired. Jimmy okay. All a blur now. And people were mindlessly saying nice things about me. You were effusive. Jimmy yes, yes. By the way, for the purpose of this conversation, i have nothing but the highest regard for all the talk show men and women, even jimmy fallon, ill include him. [ laughter ] jimmy thats nice. Yeah. So people were saying nice things, so i sent you the ties. And conan obrien, who is like some sort of god on mt. Olympus. He runs around telling people he went to harvard. We dont know. [ laughter ] so he goes on my old show, the Stephen Colbert show. Jimmy on friday. He wrote something that was just beautiful. Do you remember that . The thing conan wrote for you . Yeah. No, i dont remember it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i happened to see this. Tonight on jimmys show, he is talking to an aging vague vagrant. The viewer guide will say that. Thats right. So anyway, conan. This beautiful thing. And i thought this is the perfect opportunity to send a [ bleep ] show business gift. So i thought, do you know what ill do . Ill send him a horse. In hollywood you can get livestock and stuff for shows, things like that. And i get a couple of cowboys and ill send him out a horse. And the idea will be that hell have the horse on the show and the horse will take a dump on the show and it will be hilarious. Isnt that hilarious . Jimmy it is hilarious to send someone a horse. Yeah. So like two or three days later, i realized, oh, no, things have gone terribly wrong. I get this lovely letter from conan saying, my wife loves the horse and she is going to keep the horse because she is an equestrian. Im presbyterian. Are you jewish . No. [ laughter ] one guy, thanks. So now im screwed because i was counting on him returning the horse and id get my money back. [ laughter ] jimmy can you return a horse . Oh, yeah. A terrible discount. But you can return them. So i dont hear anything about it until conan shows up on the late show that i upsed to be on with steve 10 kolber. And now hes lost his mind. Did you see it . Jimmy i did. I watched it. Was he like a crazy man . Jimmy not only did i see it but he complained to me personally thats none of your business, why would he complain to you . Jimmy about the horse. Like its my fault . Jimmy well, you did send him the horse in all fairness. It was a joke. Take a dump on the stage. Load him up and get him back. [ laughter ] thats what it was. Jimmy you dont think the horse knew what he was supposed to do . Not my problem. So now i didnt see it. But from what i infer what people are talking about, conan will not shut up about the horse. And the horse has gone crazy. Something happened. Maybe its being around conan all day, i dont know. Jimmy the horse is said to be unrideable. Of course he is unrideable. All he had to do was take a dump on the stage. So now hes complaining like the there may be litigation. And maybe ill get a call from peta. And apparently he broke into conans mansion . Did you hear this part . Jimmy the horse broke into his mansion . That i didnt hear. And one of conans servants was kicked in the head. Jimmy oh, really. Oh. Oh, boy, thats no good. No, thats no good. So if you run into conan, it was supposed to be a joke. How crazy can the horse be . Jimmy horses can be crazy. Dwroup, hes not a horse i dont want to defend conan. Bottom line it sounds like you are defending him. Jimmy bottom line, you sent me the better gift is what im saying. Look at this. It is not kicking anybody in the head. [ cheers and applause ] for the sake of this, if i had sent you the horse, there would be none of this my wife loves it, were keeping the horse. He has a half achor in studio city. Where is he going to keep the damn horse . Jimmy i think thats the question he was asking too. The point is no good deed goes unpunished. Jimmy and also, when in doubt, an edible arrangement is a nice gift. [ applause ] for when youre on the tonight show. David letterman is with us. [ cheers and applause ] hris the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel hes got a purple heart. bruce we started talking about the service. I outrank him. chris [laughs] yeah. Meals on wheels reaches so many people. Its impactful beyond anything ive ever done in my life. bruce the meals and his friendship really mean, means a lot to me. vo through the subaru share the love event, weve helped deliver over onepoint seven million meals to those in need. Get a new subaru and well donate two hundred fifty dollars more. chris and bruce put a little love in your heart. What is that . The google pixel 2. What can it do . A lot. Can it tell me when to leave . Yes, now. And the fastest way there . Yep. Can it take a selfie just by saying take a selfie . Yep. Take a selfie. What happens if i snap this . It gives you info. What happens if i snap her . She likes it. Do i still have to sit here for ages . No, it charges in fifteen minutes. Will it ever do this . Never. What happens if i squeeze it . Try it. Google pixel 2 hi, im your Google Assistant. How can i help . Hello. So. Its a phone . Well its a phone by google. Toasting dad im not one but here