Caesar, the white house fired back and countered with a summarized transcript of the president s call with the president of ukraine. This is if oj told chris dardin, hey, you found my glove the whistleblower came floored because he or she believe trump pressured the president of ukraine, this is what the whistleblower said happened. Trump said that did not happen and released a transcript that said it did happen. He did both of those things, multiple times and abused the office of both the president and attorney general. He clearly only had one reason for making this call, that was to strongly encourage president zelinsky to find information that could hurt trumps opponents and help his campaign. That is the conclusion any reasonable person who reads this would draw. But the president has repeatedly claimed that the call in question was perfect. The conversation i had with the president of ukraine was absolutely perfect. That call was a great call. It was a perfect call, a perfect call. It was a beautiful, warm, nice conversation. The conversation, by the way, was absolutely perfect. I said absolutely nothing wrong. It was perfect. We had a great conversation. It was a warm and friendly conversation. It was a totally appropriate conversation. It was a beautiful conversation. We had a great call. Its a very honorable call. Its a nice call. By the way, the conversation was absolutely perfect. Absolutely appropriate. It was a perfect conversation. Everything we said on that call was perfect. There was a very, very fine conversation. An absolutely perfect conversation. But what i said was so good. It was a great conversation. It was a really great conversation. And everybody will say that. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. Hes right. It was pretty great. It was a perfect phone call. Pleasantries were exchanged. Friendships were built. Crimes were committed. Ems toave no idea hoive ar h ns time of course, the president was on the defensive today, lashing out at the media and claiming he didnt pressure anybody to do anything. There was no pressure. The way you had that built up, that call, it was going to be the call from hell. It turned out to be a nothing call other than a lot of people said i never knew you could be so nice. Jimmy he really thinks were idiots. By the way, we are idiots who elected an idiot to run our country. This transcript is very clearly a [cheers and applause] a thinlyveiled extortion attempt. Republicans spent the morning diving under their desk like an earthquake drill. They kept saying look at the transcript. Theres no quid pro quo. Theres a hell of a quid. After putting a hold on millions of dollars in aid money, trump told the president of another country to look into biden and said whatever you do, its very important that you do it or else what . Nothing . How else are you supposed to read that . People like Lindsey Graham are arguing that that transcript exonerates trump. He called it a nothing burger which made the president happy and hungry. By the way, when you hear someone call something a nothing burger, you can be damn sure theres something in that burger. Donald trump cant help himself. Hes been doing business like this forever. Hes a sneaky, hamhanded racketeer, shaking people down is what he does. He doesnt know how to do anything else. He thinks hes tony soprano. And in a lot of ways he is tony soprano. Theyre both overweight mouth breathers who are disappointed with their sons, but tony soprano, at least, [cheers and applause] he knew when his conversations were being recorded and that he should avoid saying illegal things. If tony soprano ran the mob like this he wouldnt have made it past episode three. The way i see it, there are two possibilities here. Either donald trump knows what hes doing is wrong and does it anyway, or he doesnt know what hes doing is wrong, which i think might be worse. I think he wants to admit he colluded with a foreign power, hes proud of it. He doesnt understand what all the commotion is about. He would do it again. Hes Jack Nickolson in a few good men, although in this story, there are no good men. Its all bad men. This goes in the everything we do we screw up category. Shortly after the white house released the transcript they sent out talking points they want Republican Congress people to use when theyre interviewed on the news to defend the president. Unfortunately for them, instead of just sending them to the republicans in congress they sent them to the democrats in congress, too, then tried to recall the email, which is, always works, hey, guys, you mind sending those back without reading them . Two of the talking points actually suggested that republicans, this is from the white house. They said put blame on the deep state, which, i mean at this point, why not just say chupacabras forced the president to do this. The only thing trump ever said that he could stand in the middle of fifth avenue and shoot one and wouldnt lose any voters, i think hes right. If trump pulled out a gun and fired point blank at that naked cowboy who walks around times square with a guitar, Lindsey Graham would say great shot. Kevin mccarthy would say reminds me of john wayne. Mike pence would say giddyap, were going for a ride. [cheers and applause] its really amazing. The good news, if there is any good news left in the world is that joe biden is here tonight. [cheers and applause] so as this news is breaking, trump held a very, very lowenergy press conference this afternoon. The press was asking questions of the president of ukraine, and said no pressure. I used the word pressure. I think he used the word push, but he meant pressure, its the same thing. No push, no pressure, no nothing. Its all a hoax, folks, its all a big hoax. Jimmy yeah, i havent seen him this sad since they threw him out of the dressing room at ms. Teen usa. He was noticeably subdued. [cheers and applause] hes either very concerned about this or the edibles kicked in at the wrong time. He rambled on about a hundred different subjects, the stock market, poland. He said i used to be the king of good press and it all changed when i started running for president. Yeah, because instead of being a ridiculous person we elected, you became a ridiculous person who has the nuclear codes. So trump also trotted out the guy on the other end of the call, the president of ukraine, who, fortunately for him, happened to be in town for meetings at the u. N. We had i think good phone call. It was normal. We spoke about many things. And i, so i think and you read it that nobody push it. Push me. Yes. In other words, no pressure. Jimmy well, that settles that, i guess. You heard it from the hostages mouth. There was no pressure. At the center of all this drama is the president s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani. Hes the one who actually went to ukraine to get the dirt. He needs dirt to keep the lid of his coffin moist. Giuliani doubled down on his estimation that the state department sent him to the ukraine even though the state department specifically denied that they did and lost his temper in the usually very friendly confines of fox news. Okay, im going to bring rudy back in. Youve been listening to this conversation. Id like to say to mr. Hahn i should sue you for libel. You usually say incredibly stupid things. Youre a public figure. Yeah, and, by the way, do you have any idea that the state department so you know the libel shut up, shut up, moron. You dont know what youre talking about, idiot. Chris, chris, chris. Jimmy luckily, the president is surrounding himself with calm and stable people to help him through this. Some members of congress got to read the whistleblowers complaint, and after reading it Chuck Schumer said hes even more worried about what happened. Eric swalwell says its a fivealarm fire. Even ben sasse said they shouldnt be circling the wagons saying they shouldnt say theres no there there. And theres obviously a lot thats very troubling there. What if the whistleblower, and just go with me on this. What if the whistleblower shows up tomorrow morning at 6 00 a. M. , turns out to be mike pence . Wouldnt that be the best . Ive had enough of your abuse, donald, get your stuff, mother and i are moving into the white house. And thats that. [cheers and applause] so anyway, you know, with all the nastiness happening in washington i thought it would be nice to switch gears and focus on nastiness here in hollywood. As most of you know, from time to time we shine a light on the harsh words people post online. Weve done it before, were doing it again. It is time for a new edition of mean tweets. [cheers and applause] will farrell is overrated sorry but he just screams its kind of true. Jon hamm is a soft boy with a dad bod. Truf. [ bleep ] you chris rock you on grownups too. Well if you saw your money in divorce youd be on grownups 2, too. Id rather plant poison ivy plants in my anus before hearing another word about kim kardashian. Go ahead and do that. Please. Maisie williams looks like a very young grandma. David harber. Hey, im ready to be punched in the face. [ bleep ] bring it, [ bleep ] bag. Thats nice. I just cut a fart that smells so bad they added david spade as a supporting character. Thats not bad. I auditioned for that. I didnt know i got it. Jake gyllenhaals [ bleep ] smells like hot dog water. Thats a haiku. A beautiful, beautiful thing to say. I bet zendayas feet smell like funyuns. Lets check, shall we . No, smells like success to me. It must suck to be a cute little kid only to grow up and be a creep, yes, fred savage, im talking about you. Thats true. Tiffany haddish has a [ bleep ] mouth. Just shut the [ bleep ] up. You know what . Why dont you [ bleep ] up with your 14 followers, but thank you for introducing me to them. You think martin shorts had sex . I bet martin shorts never had sex. The older mark hamill gets, the more he looks like yoda, seriously. Seen that guy lately . Hes yoda. Mm, mean burden this is. Thanks a lot. Sarah paulson, you [ bleep ] bitch, i have mixed feelings about you right know. Guess what, [ bleep ], i have mixed feelings about you, too. Jeff goldblum is starting to annoy me. Like, okay, dude, youre quirky, we get it. You have some weird sweaters, good for you. I know what youre talkin about, believe you me, if i was in your shoes, i might feel the same way, like my new shirt . [cheers and applause] jimmy thank you, everyone. Cobie smulders is here. And well be right back with Vice President joe biden. [cheers and applause] Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by toyota. Good lunch . Amazing toyota, lets go places. Friends family sale . Take an extra 20 off save on mens and womens denim. Nine west shoes and boots. And the big one throw is just 14. 39. Plus take an extra 20 off your 100 purchase . Plus everyone gets kohls cash right now. At kohls. You sure you dont want me to come with you . Im very sure. Because i can. Make good choices. You make good choices. I am. Fiber is good for digestive health. Good choices never tasted so good. Raisin bran stop dancing around the pain tasted so good. That keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm laso you can enjoy it even ifst youre sensitive. Se. Yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. Sit i said sit drum roll and the record for longestlasting aa battery goes to. cymbal crash energizer ultimate lithium. Guinness World Records title holder for longestlasting aa battery. Hendless shrimp even hotter . S you bring back Nashville Hot oh yeah its back. Crispy shrimp. Tossed in a spicy rub. And drizzled with sweet amber honey. More shrimp more ways. Endless shrimps just fifteen ninety nine. Hurry in. When i think of what my imagination looks like. [laughs] i mean, wow. The surface is a tool that helps me realize beautiful ideas. Jimmy tonight, from the new abc show stumptown, Cobie Smulders is here. Then, his latest album is called assume form. James blake from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow, viola davis will be here. Christian slater will join us, and well have music from gary clark jr. So please join us for that. Our first guest tonight is the 47th Vice President of the United States. The leading candidate for the democratic nomination, and the reason President Trump used up all the International Minutes on his cell phone plan calling ukraine. Please say hello to Vice President joe biden. [cheers and applause] jimmy it is an honor and a pleasure to have you here. Good to be with you. Jimmy so whats new . Anything going on . Not much at all. Rudy and donald, i dont know. Jimmy youve been in politics for quite some time. How does this rank as far as on the outlandish scale for you, the last 48 hours, watching this transpire . 18 out of 10. Jimmy mmhm. No, this is kind of bizarre, you know, its Rudy Giuliani is a great character witness the president has. Jimmy mmhm. Yeah. Its hard to believe he was mayor of new york at one time and seemed to be doing an okay job. Its like his body has been taken over by another being. I didnt know the president could do that. Jimmy maybe hes more powerful than we realize. It is almost like you and president obama left the door to the White House Open and a bear got in. It is, its crazy. [cheers and applause] have you heard from president obama this week . No, i havent. Jimmy you have not. Gu you about this kind of stuff . No, we dont talk about this kind of stuff. Jimmy is there a gossip element to this sort of thing, or does it just trouble you . Look, you know, when you step back from it, this is not about me and my family. Theres not one single solitary legitimate journalist in the world given any credibility to this. Theyve debunked all of what he had to say since giuliani started this a while ago. What i do worry about, i do worry about all the other families that cant take care of themselves and whats happening with this president and his constant diversions into, look, we want to get his attention, have 70 polls in a row showing youre beating him and that all of a sudden gets his attention. I think thats why im the object of his attention. But look, there is much more at stake than whether or not hes acting so bizarrely. The idea that someone would call a head of a foreign state, ahead of time, withhold significant aid when they badly need it to hold the russian separatists in ukraine from taking over ukraine, and then ask, basically, to, can you cooperate with Rudy Giuliani coming over and the thing i learned, we learned, we all learned recently is that statement that the 2000 word Statement Released talked about getting the Justice Department engaged in this. I mean, its such a blatant abuse of power that its, it just, i dont think it can stand. Jimmy yeah, its, well, do you think it is an Impeachable Offense . Based on the material that they acknowledged today, it seems to me its awful hard to avoid the conclusion that it is an Impeachable Offense and a violation of constitutional responsibility. But look, thats, im confident in the ability of the house and senate to deal with this. My job is to just go out and beat him. [cheers and applause] and so i, what i cant let happen, i cant let this distract me in a way that takes me away from the issues that really, the reasons that im running, this is the fundamental reason, our values. The idea that were not paying any attention, he doesnt want us to Pay Attention to health care, which you and i both know a lot about, not do anything about dealing with the environment, not do anything about the rampant abuse of guns on our streets. I mean so many things. Let alone the International Issues we have. I mean, this guy embraces kim jong un, talks about he believes putin over his intelligence community, i mean, the damage being done is monumental. Jimmy how much of your desire to run is related to donald trump being president . In other words, if someone, if a decent man like jeb bush had won the republican nomination, would, would you feel as motivated to run . I guess the honest answer is no. Look, i hadnt planned on running again. When, when my son passed, i, he made me promise i wouldnt tell anybody how serious the circumstance was. So my staff still thought we had a campaign in waiting. And when i went out to tell the president that i told him i was definitely not going to run after beau passed, i, he said come down to the white house, to the oval, well go out to the rose garden, you make an announcement. And i said at the time when i walked out, i knew id be asking questions if i had any regrets. Id done the cancer moon shot and wed made so much progress, but even then, i hadnt planned on running, until i saw those people, not a joke, jimmy. When i saw those folks in charlottesville, coming out of the fields, carrying torches. Contorted faces, their veins bulging, shouting the same antisemitic bile that was shouted in the streets of nuremberg and berlin in the 30s, accompanied by the ku klux klan and when a woman was killed and the president was asked to respond, and he said there were very fine people in both groups. No president has ever, ever said anything like that, the possible exception of Andrew Jackson before the civil war. Thats when i decided, how can i, ive spent my whole life doing this, how can i remain silent . Because i was raised by a dad who taught me silence is complicit. This is the way he has tried to divide this country and pitted people against one another. And you saw it didnt just end with charlottesville, look what happened in el paso recently, you know, young man saying i shot all these people in the parking lot because theres a hispanic invasion. Well, the president just weeks, and the 2018 off Year Campaign kept showing that video of people marching up, were being invaded by latinos and mexicans are rapists, and this division in our country is just so devastating, so devastating for so many people, and its ruining our standing around the world, in a way that is going to be hard to look, we can probably handle four years if he doesnt get us in a war in the next year, and im not being a wise guy. Im not being glib saying that. But eight years of donald trump will fundamentally alter the character of this nation in my view. And i, we cant let that happen. Jimmy what are your thoughts on, because i know that