Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20240713 : vimarsana.c

He went on twitter, wrote man, these l. A. Fires are no joke. Ive been driving around with my family trying to get rooms, no luck so far. Lebron finally did find a place i feel like lebron could have knocked on any door in l. A. , yeah, sure, stay for taco tuesday. [cheers and applause] but we send our best to those displaced by the fires and up north. Every october we travel to brooklyn. When we come back, the whole place is on fire. This is our first day home after a weeklong residency at the Brooklyn Academy of music. You had fun in brooklyn, right . Oh, yeah, a lot of fun, jimmy. Jimmy did you weigh yourself when you got home . No, not yet. Im afraid. Jimmy do you have any guesses as to how much you gained . Maybe six, seven pounds. Easy. Jimmy yeah, were like a couple pinatas running around brooklyn. President trump took a little field trip last night to game five of the world series between the astros and Washington Nationals in d. C. This was his first appearance at a baseball game since taking office. And take a look at this time and vision moment, because, now look at, watch how happy he is when he notices hes onscreen. There i am. And now keep going. And then the boos come in. And just watch him. Thats, you know, its [cheers and applause] fake news is what it is. Usually, to get booed that much at a sporting event in washington, d. C. , you have to play for the redskins, but somehow, i guess the orange skins qualify as well. It was not a friendly crowd for trump. There were a number of impeach tin signs in the crowd and the fans broke into their own version of one of his favorite chants. Lock him up lock him up jimmy you know hes going to be throwing himself a big rally in alabama to make himself feel better. We knew something was up on saturday night when he posted this cryptic message, something very big has just happened. And of course, we were all wondering, what could this be . Kid rock named secretary of state . Did popeyes come out with a new kind of chicken sandwich . The suspense was almost unbearable. And sunday morning, just as the morning news shows went on the air trump announced u. S. Special forces had killed the leader of isis, the worlds most wanted terrorist, abu Bakr Al Baghdadi. And they got him during a raid in syria. Now President Trump was reportedly golfing when they went in. The raid started at 3 30 p. M. According to his schedule, he was playing golf at his course in Northern Virginia saturday until a little after 3 00. Didnt make it back to the white house until 4 18. Theres no way the military told him what day this raid was happening. He immediately would have tweeted guess whats goin on [cheers and applause] i think, and this is just a guess, but i think he okayed the idea of a raid, and they started it without him. The same way you dont tell grandpa about a surprise party. Either way, the white house released this photo. This photo was taken at 5 05, about an hour and a half after the raid started. You can see here the president and his team watching or pretending to watch from the situation room, which is a mess by the way. The next mission should be to send and he shared the news in a surprisingly tasteful and dare i say president ial way. Baghdadi and the losers who work for him, and losers they are, they had no idea what they were getting into. In some cases, they were very frightened puppies. Jimmy wait, hes killing puppies now . He died like a dog, he died like a coward. He was whimpering, screaming and crying. Jimmy he died like a dog, what does that mean . He accidently ate one of those giantsized her sshey bars . Wha happened . This stuff about crying and whimpering is an unusual specific detail for a president to report. So a reporter followed up to find out how specifically he knew that. Did you hear that on your video hookup . I dont want to talk about it. But he was screaming, crying and whimpering. Jimmy all right, so he, maybe he imagined that. I dont know. The defense secretary and the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff said they didnt hear whimpering. Maybe he was hearing mike pence whimpering in the corner . Is that possible . The president was all over the place. He was in full brag daddy mode. He went so far as to compare the terrorist to himself. You know, these people are very smart, theyre not into the use of cell phones anymore. Theyre very technically brilliant. You know, they use the internet better than almost anyone in the world perhaps other than donald trump. Jimmy if youre keeping score, the top two users of the internet are number one, donald trump and number two isis. Maybe we do need to lock him up. [cheers and applause] trump went on to say, hes had his sights set on al baghdadi for some time now. Ive been looking at this for three years. They said sir, we have somebody i dont want somebody. I want and al baghdadi, thats one i want. They say i have somebody else. Fine, take them out, but i want al baghdadi. I dont want other people. And i also wanted hamza bin laden. Because hes a young man, around 30, looks just like his father. Tall, very handsome. [ laughter ] jimmy it s as if hes booking a new season of the celebrity apprentice. Yeah, hes tall like his father. Before he takes too much credit for this, donald trump should probably reread these tweets from someone named donald trump who in 2012 tweeted, obama deserves much less credit for the killing of Osama Bin Laden. Why dont we ask the navy s. E. A. L. S. Who killed bin laden. All obama did is say okay. And stop congratulating obama for killing bin laden. See, theres no one better at using the internet than him. [cheers and applause] you think he even knows he wrote that stuff . But, by the way, when obama went on tv to announce that theyd killed bin laden, he spoke for mine and a half minutes. Trump did 48 minutes. We thought it might be fun to mash up his speech and we were right. The United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama Bin Laden. Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi is dead. They did a lot of shooting and a lot of blasting, even not going through the front door. You think you go through the door. If youre a normal person, you say knock, knock, may i come in . After a firefight, they killed Osama Bin Laden and took custody of his body. He died like a dog. His death does not mark the end of our effort. A beautiful dog. A talented dog. To give thanks for the men who carried out this operation. And i dont get any credit for this, but thats okay, i never do. But here we are. Go may god bless you, and may god bless the United States of america. And im writing a book. All did very well. [cheers and applause] jimmy we have a powerful show for you t himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger is here. [cheers and applause] and we have music from kesha, but first, before this major parade of stars, its time for a brandnew edition of three ridiculous questions with nick offerman. What advice would you give an aspiring hiphop star . Enunciate. Hmm. Enunciate. Yeah, thats always my thing. You know, you go to all the trouble of writing this incredible poetry and spitting it to your rhymes and beats that youve created. I want to understand what the hell youre saying. If you had a tail, would you have it removed . Or would you just adapt your pants to suit it . That seems like a pretty badass thing. Im thinking about taking that into auditions. Yeah. And just casually perform some dialog and then flourish my tail at the end of the line. Yeah. Keep the tail, wear a lot of kilts. Okay. Of all the people in your life, i want to you think this through. All right. Who is the most likely to be attacked by a bear . Probably my uncle don. Mmhm. Pretty heroic. Uncle don has the ability to, if he breaks down hauling a wagon of corn on the road, hes got everything in the truck to like fabricate a new tongue for the wagon. He just is really mechanically gifted. I didnt even know wagons had tongues. Yeah, thats the front part that hooks onto the hitch on the back of your pickup truck. You know what . To the tongue of a wagon. To the wagon tongue. The answer to all of lifes ridiculous questions. Abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by consumer cellular. Performance comes in lots of flavors. dramatic orchestra theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. The holidays are here. Welc audience cheering ight. I love your material. So warm and cozy. And festive. What material are you talking about . And were out of time all outerwear, jeans and sweaters are up to fifty percent off. Thats up to fifty percent off. 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The first gist tonight uest is governor of california and Danny Devitos twin brother. He told us he would be back, and he is. Dark fate opens in theaters friday. Jimmy how are you . I have to you had to be evacuated from your home last night, correct . Yeah, but thats nothing for an action hero, come on. Im happy my house hasnt burned down. Im sure you are, too. You were evacuated. No, my brother was, but i live in a different part of town. Are you disappointed . [ laughter ] yeah, i am disappointed now. Jimmy no, i just drove in regular. So you have a lot of animals, right . Yeah. I have a pony, a miniature pony. I have two dogs. Yeah, theres a lot of activity up there. Jimmy what do you do with the pony . Throw that in the trunk . Or how does that go . Do you ride the pony out . [ laughter ] we send it to sleeping camp, overnight sleeping camp. Jimmy a sleepaway camp. Thats right. Jimmy a sleeping camp doesnt sound so good. No . Jimmy well, you put a dog to sleep, you no. [ laughter ] jimmy i just want to make it clear you did not euthanize your pony. Ive only been in america for 51 years. Give me a break. Jimmy how is it possible that your accent has not subsided even to the slightest degree . [ laughter ] you maintain this accent. How can that be . I think it has to do that im hanging out with sly every so often. Jimmy sly stallone . Absolutely, yes. Jimmy i want to ask you about sly. But i want to ask you a couple more things. You were governor of the state. And you had a lot of this sort of thing to deal with. What was the biggest emergency situation you that presided over when you were governor . Well, one time first of all, youre absolutely right. Fires happen all the time. And i think that during my administration we have seen because of Climate Change and other things the fires increased. There was no more fire season. It was kind of all year round, like as you can see. This is very unusual, they have in october such huge fires. Jimmy yeah, sure. So they are not only in Southern California but theyre in northern california. Theyre all over the place. And when i was governor, there was one time i went to bed and they said theres 500 fires all over california. And that was like i couldnt sleep the whole night. I was up thinking to myself how do you handle this and what do you do about it . How do you have the resources for all, this different places and all this . And then in the morning i get up and i make a call and they tell me theres now 2,012 fires all over california. Jimmy wow. Just to think to show you the size of it all. Its so overwhelming you that really have to kind of pull your act together and get in the National Guard was helping. Everyone was helping. The federal government was helping. The local firefighters. And we have one big advantage here in california when it comes to those kind of events, and that is we have the greatest firefighters in the world, bar none. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have great firefighters. We do. And they seem to coordinate very well. Yeah. We need more resources, though. It was very clear that as we increased in the amount of fires that we need more airplanes, you know, to dump fire retardant. We need more helicopters, more sophisticated helicopters. Not just the hueys from the vietnam war. We needed the blackhawk helicopters so they can fly at night and dump water at night, which is very important because right now we still dont have the ability of really dumping at night. So we have to wait until the morning. Jimmy do you agree with the president that if we raked the forest more frequently that we would not have fires here . Well, theres not that many things that i agree with him on. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy in happier news i want to congratulate you. You got a pretty great guy joining your family. Chris pratt married your daughter, katherine, which is [ cheers and applause ] i would assume something you were very happy about. Yeah, i dont know if the thing is that first of all, im really happy that he is such a great guy. Jimmy yes. Not only very talented guy and a great actor and a great star and all this stuff but a really kind man and kind to my daughter, which is the most important thing for me. But i was like blown away when my daughter was telling me that shes going out with him because i was saying do you have to be so competitive . Do you have to have a guy that is taller than me, that is bigger than me, thats doing bigger movies than me and all of this kind of stuff, that makes more money than me . What is going on here . [ laughter ] so i think it was really wild. I mean, to have all of a sudden this guy in the family. Jimmy yeah. But like i said, hes a really nice guy and hes very talented. I get along with him very well. And of course the first thing when we met, he says, can we ever work out together . I need to have the inside scoop to pumping iron. Jimmy right. And did that happen . I took him to the gym and we worked out. Jimmy were you impressed . Was that part of how you decided whether he could be a part of your family or not . Watching him work out . That pumping iron was the decisionmaking factor. [ laughter ] absolutely, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] we were in the gym. Jimmy who benches more, you or chris pratt . You know, i really dont know because i havent bench pressed for a while because my shoulders are kind of injured. Jimmy i see. But hes a strong guy, theres no two ways about it, and im very proud of him. And like i just said, when i watched him make these moves in the gym, you know, the Incline Press specifically did it. Jimmy oh. Why i wanted him to become my soninlaw. It was the Incline Press. Jimmy thats what always gets you, the Incline Press. Absolutely. The Incline Press, yeah. That does it. Jimmy did he ask you for permission to take your daughters hand in marriage . Absolutely, yeah. In a very traditional way. Jimmy thats good. You need that, right . Very good. Jimmy thats essential. Absolutely essential. Jimmy did he invite you to the Bachelor Party . No. Jimmy he did not . [ laughter ] he did not, no. Jimmy it would have been more fun if you were there, though, i bet. I would have really made sure that everything is cool there. [ laughter ] i didnt want his Bachelor Party toned up like my Bachelor Party. Jimmy what was your Bachelor Party like . It was wild. It was with animals and jimmy oh, my god. [ laughter ] they brought in sheep and garter belts and stuff like that. And it was not pretty. I wouldnt wish it on any kind of soninlaw. Jimmy that pony must be nervous up there at the house. [ cheers and applause ] youre absolutely right. Jimmy you mentioned sylvester stallone. And i want to ask you a story i heard about sylvester stallone. Is it true that you tricked sylvester stallone, who is is he a friend and a rival or just a rival . No, no. In the 80s he was just a rival. Jimmy just a rival. It was just competition. It was all about who is making bigger movies, who has more definition in their muscles, who has more box office success, who kills more people. [ laughter ] who kills people more creatively. Who has bigger knives. Who has bigger guns. In the end i started running around with machine guns that were only used for helicopters, mounting on helicopters or on tanks. It was crazy. It was allout war. Jimmy so the story goes that you somehow tricked him into making a very bad movie. Yes. Jimmy and is that true . Yes. Whether its part of the [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how in the world how did you manage to do that . How did you pull that off . Well, because they came to me because hollywood knew that i was wanting to get o