Last night i complicated the president , commended him for not throwing a tantrum after 16yearold Greta Thunberg was named person of the year by time magazine. We all knew he wanted to be person of the year, we know it bothered him. He showed uncharacteristic restraint. He was on Good Behavior. Sadly that Good Behavior lasted just under 24 hours. This morning he wrote, so ridiculous, greta must work on her anger management problem, then go to a good oldfashioned movie with a friend, chill greta chill. Says the sweaty old man who was mad at a magazine because they didnt put him on the cover. The fact that Greta Thunberg is a teenager makes this especially insane. Im old enough to remember a time when everyone at the white house had a fullblown hissy fit because a witness at trumps impeachment hearing had the gall to say the word barron in a completely benign fashion. That time was last tuesday by the way. I guess things have changed. The first lady did not tweet about this actual attack on a child. But this kid greta is very good. Right after trump tweeted she changed her twitter bio to a teenager working on her anger management problem. Chilling and watching a good oldfashioned movie. [ cheers and applause ] trump hasnt been roasted that thoroughly since the last time he locked himself in his tanning bed. This is from the official trump war room account managed business his campaign. They photoshopped his head on gretas body. Which would not be the first time donald trump has imagined himself on the top of a young womans body. [ moans and groans ] the idea orange hulk would accuse anyone else of having an anger problem . For more lets go to the tape. What a stupid question that is. What a stupid question. But i watch you a lot, you ask a lot of stupid questions. Should the woman quiet, quiet. Get him out of here. Get out excuse me, sit down, you werent called, sit down, sit down. Go back to univision. Quiet, quiet. Quiet. Id like to punch him in the face, ill tell you. Hes a sleaze. Why am i youre a sleaze. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Since you are attacking our News Organization not you. Your organizations terrible. Quiet. Knock the crap out of him, would you . The zen master. No one has been less selfaware than this man. Hooking a child with aspergers because shes more popular than he is. This tweet has the potential to get interesting. The tweet trump was responding to when he wrote this was written by roma downey congratulating greta. Trump didnt like that, which is dangerous to do, because roma downey is married to mark burnett, the producer of the apprentice. So far we havent seen any of the raw footage from that show, but if trump starts a war with Mark Burnetts wife he could let that footage out and well get all the unedited video of who the hell knows what, trump crushing a sudafed and snorting it off the conference table . Maybe punching don jr. In the face . Pulling his penis out and forcing meatloaf to say how fat it is . [ laughter ] maybe that could be how Greta Thunberg saves the world. I should point out greta was not the only target of the president s thumb war. He had a banner day. He tweet asked or retweeted 91 times before noon today. If you do anything 91 times before noon you belong in a mental institution. They called ate tweet storm but that doesnt capture it. We should come up with a new term for when he does this, like a donsoon, a liefoon, a tittytwister. This was the president s official schedule for the day. Brief speech at 11 15. Intelligence briefing at noon. A party at 7 00. People in assisted living facilities do more than this in a day. Were spending a huge amount of energy trying to remove a man from office who is never in his office. That Party Tonight is by the way the white house congressional ball. Its him with members of congress, great timing on that. Last night trump presided over the hanukkah celebration and what a lovefest. Melania ate it up. Were thrilled, thank you, i love you too, thank you. I love ivanka. I love our first lady. Jimmy i think we witnessed the moment the first ladys soul exited her body. A shoutout to rightwing radio host mark levin, who took time to get to the podium. Where are you . I saw him. That is mark . Come on, mark. Get your way up. Make a path. Like we used to say in the military, make a path. Jimmy right, like i used to like we used to say in the military i wasnt in. The military . Christmas is two weeks are you ready for christmas, guillermo . Yes, jimmy. Jimmy have your shopping done . Halfway. Jimmy who do you have to buy for . My wife and my son. Jimmy okay. Thats your whole family, right . Yeah. Jimmy were going to work on it after the show. My mom, my grandma, my cousin. Jimmy what does benji, your son, want . New ipad. Jimmy are you going to get that for him . Yes, of course. Jimmy okay, all right. Will your motherinlaw be coming over for christmas . Unfortunately, yes. Jimmy the holidays can be a stressful time when family visits. Especially with this election coming. But help and dare i even say escape is on the way. The holiday season. The most wonderful time of the year. Also the most stressful. Youre putting kids in bleeding heart, wah we need to talk this out. Family gatherings can be bring out the worst. Are you done . Can i bring you another . Shut up when you start to feel overwhelmed, dont reach for the liquor cabinet. Head for the tree fort. The first Christmas Tree with a secret room. Climb in and enjoy a place to hide. Gather your thoughts. Oh, thank you and just be. Enjoy calming aromatherapy diffuser. Im not going to have a transgender in my bathtub. Use our builtin phone charger. Now you woke the baby up. Take a monster hit from the jingle bomb. The tree fort comes with a secret periscope so you can see if the coast is clear. The tree fort. 89. 95. Mind if i join you . Locks sold separately. Yeah, no problem. Available at evergreens. Jimmy you know, were three weeks away not only from the end of the year, but from the end of the decade. I think we can all agree that this is a very stupid time to be alive. We asked people on the street about a bunch of Current Events we made up. These are news items that did not occur in 2019. Or ever. Did that stop people from weighing in on them . Lets find out in this year of wasnt edition of lie witness news. Were talking about the biggest news stories of 2019. North and south korea were united. Was that a big moment of happiness for you . You know, i actually watched that live, yeah. It was a good thing to see donald trump going there and making peace. I watched it on tv, watched north korea and south korea, i believe they went somewhere, they met and did that peaceful thing. Yeah. It was a really good thing. Do you remember when the government shut down because the president couldnt get a mcrib. Back in january, yeah. Where were you when you heard . I was at work. I work at a natural gas company. Its very conservative so im aware of that kind of stuff. Ankle me when kellyanne came in with a bucket of mcribs and said, now the government can reopen, were you shocked . I thought it was funny, i would have done the same, yeah. How many mcribs did she have in that bucket . 40, quite a bit. The kanye west, were you surprised when she grabbed the mike from Greta Thunberg . Absolutely not, hes known for that type of stuff, i was not shocked. What was the look on get that thunbergs face . Oh my gosh, she was in shock, i would have had the same reaction. What did you think when you saw bill cosbys comeback comedy tour . He looks good for his age, not going to lie. Were you a little proud of him . Its tough to say im proud of bill cosby. I guess everybody does their own thing. Why did President Trump pardon millie, but not vanilly . Because of a different religion i believe . Because one is black and one is white. The james bond role did you think it was good . Hes handsome and he fits the character perfectly. What did you think when you saw Nathan Landis for james bond. Were you excited . I was excited. I couldnt wait to see the movie. Were you outraged when the president made friendship bracelets with the taliban . At camp david . I dont agree with a lot of things he does. Kind of outraged about it. That was one thing that pissed me off. Where did you see this story the first time . I dont remember exactly. I live with my sugar daddy. Hes always ranting about trump. Trump did this, trump did that, blah, blah, blah. Whats your sugar daddys name . Dean buggerfield. How did you feel about Billie Eilish performing bad guy did it feel like a stunt . No, hes a bad guy. George bush, imagine what he did to the economy. It freakin sucks. The way stuff is going, i dont know. I think Billie Eilish did a good job by performing bad guy. I love that song. You wouldnt lie. I wouldnt lie. Im like abraham lincoln. I dont tell a lie, i never tell a lie, ever, ever. Im 100 all day, every day, every night, till the day i die. Jimmy and probably well after that, too. All right, one more thing before we forge ahead. Its thursday night, means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] you have [ bleep ] hard and you [ bleep ] is impressive, and i just want to [ bleep ] you all. Thank you all for being here today. Im really looking forward to [ bleep ]ing as many of you as time permits before i got to get back on the bus. America, are you sick and tired yet of this impeachment [ bleep ]. Officers are launching a heat is on campaign, plus, spreading Holiday Cheer through some big [ bleep ]. Im gayle king. Anthony mason who apparently [ bleep ]s puppets. Its a [ bleep ]ing frenzy. I also want to bring a friend of mine up. Hes a tremendous success in so many other businesses, but they only know him because he [ bleep ]s tom bradys [ bleep ] every week. My [ bleep ] in your mouth are just as powerful as they are in my mouth. Ooh, who doesnt love a good [ bleep ]. I love a good [ bleep ]. Jamie . Deep [ bleep ] dungeon. Yeah, thats it. [ bleep ] magic from new image. The first fitness machine ever to help you master the king of exercises and get all the benefits of [ bleep ] without the struggle. Jimmy all right, we got a good show tonight. We have music from mark ronson and anderson. Paak. From richard jewell, Paul Walter Hauser is here. And be right back from awkwafina paul the holidays at sprint are truly a magical time. sprintern speaking of magic, i turned my iphone 6s into the new iphone 11. paul its true, trade in an iphone 6s or newer in any condition and youll get the powerful new iphone 11 for just 0 a month when you switch to sprint. sprintern yeah, an iphone 6s for an iphone 11. Or trade in your beloved iphone 7, trusty iphone 8, amazing iphone x. paul . Take them all to 11. sprintern see, i told you, magic. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh find your breaking point, then break it. Every emergenc gives you a potent blend of nutrients. So, you can emerge your best, with emergenc. Chilis 3 for 10 steak, cooked how you like its tender and juicy and aged to perfection that may sound fancy, but its chilis fancy so come as you are and just bring 10 bucks 3 for 10 now with steak baby steak baby steak mmmhmmm together we chilis, oh yeah baby yeah oh, come on. Flo dont worry. Youre covered. dramatic music and youre saving money, because you bundled home and auto. Sarah, get in the house. Were all here for you. All all day, all night. dramatic music great job speaking calmly and clearly everyone. Thats how you put a customer at ease. Hey, did anyone else hear weird voices while they were in the corn . No. No. Me either. Whispering voice jamie. What . Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever, so its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird enjoy the go with charmin. A drink with friends can turn into two. And a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go. Text a friend. Call a cab. Share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. A drink with friends can turn into two. And a prescription can be stronger than you thought. Stop there are a lot of ways to get a dui. And a lot of ways to go. Text a friend. Call a cab. Share a ride. Whatever you choose to do, go safely, california. Jimmy hi there, welcome back. Tonight, from the movie richard jewell. He plays richard jewell. Paul Walter Hauser is here. Then with music from the movie spies in disguise, mark ronson and anderson. Pack from the mercedesbenz stage. Next week, were back at it again closing out the year with a bang with adam sandler, kevin garnett, jamie foxx, margot robbie, brie larson and many more. And on monday night, the force will be very strong with us. We will be in primetime with the cast of star wars the rise of skywalker. Rey, fin, poe, lando, c3po, chewbacca, jj and more. For Jimmy Kimmel Live after darth a star wars special. Monday at 10 00 eastern, 9 00 central. Here on abc. I also want to mention that, as of yesterday, the book that i wrote and illustrated became a number one New York Times bestseller. The serious goose. All the money i make from the sale of this book goes to Childrens Hospital here in l. A. And Childrens Hospitals all over the united states. You can buy it wherever they sell books and if you want an autographed copy go to theseriousgoose. Com to get one signed by me. In great, big black sharpie just like the president of the united stas. Our first guest is a golden globenominated actor and rapper and bottled water too. You know her from the movie crazy rich asians. Starting tomorrow you can see her alongside Dwayne Johnson and kevin hart in jumanji the next level. Please welcome awkwafina. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how you doing . Hey, congratulations on your golden globe nomination. Thank you. Jimmy that came on monday, right . Yes, came out on monday. Jimmy thats a very exciting thing. Yeah, yeah. Very exciting. Jimmy was it very exciting . Were you up waiting to hear if youd get nominated . Um, no. Jimmy okay. Good, good. And not because, you know, i had korean barbecue the night before, and it was very rich, and so i, i fell asleep, and i woke up, and i saw like a flurry of messages as i was waking up as if someone died. Jimmy youd forgotten what was happening . Yeah, sure, yeah. I didnt, i wasnt reminded that they had come out that day. Jimmy i see. Yeah, so it was that. And yeah, but jimmy that would be weird if somebody did remind you, because then it puts a lot of pressure on being nominated. Someones like, by the way, nominations in the morning, and then its like, what if they dont happen, then that persons a jerk. Yeah, sure. The nominations in general, like the wrong date, never mind. Jimmy you know what im saying. Its all this korean barbecue. That knocks you out, huh . Knocked me out, yeah. It was really great, though. Jimmy you brought something that i it tickled me greatly, i have to say. Your family was very excited. Yes, they were. Jimmy they started Group Texting you. Yes. Jimmy explain what im about to see. My aunt linda is a little bit of a nut. Jimmy theres always an aunt linda, and shes always a nut. I dont want to be like raining congratulations, it was just an odd text for the nature of it. Jimmy so first of all, i like the name of the group, which is akwafina fan club. Congrats, were so proud of you, omg, congratulations, congrats nora, thats your real name, congrats, this is awesome. You say thank you guys, when you finally wake up. Then lets zoom in on aunt linda. Here we go. Jimmy seriously, fam, curb yourselves of gluten, grains and beans, read up on lectin and how it poisons your body over time. You all need to try intermittent fasting. Do the 16hour fast and try to eat one meal a day or do every other hour a day. Cut out corn and soy, and even the organic kind. The seeds are all gmo. What a beautiful congratulations that was from aunt linda. I know, love her. Jimmy aunt linda is not coming to the show i guess . No. Jimmy shes not even allowed at the farmers market, your aunt linda. I think she yells at the people at the farmers market, for sure. Shes that type. Jimmy shes like that. Aunt linda. Jimmy nothing more that you need to say than that. Aunt linda. All of that, yeah, pretty much. Jimmy you used to work at a video store. Yes, i did. Jimmy how long ago was that . When i was 16 years old. Jimmy okay, so still at the end of video stores really, right . That was the whole thing. It was constant just well, you know were getting put out of business. Thats how we operated. Jimmy that was how they explained not giving you a raise . For everything. Well, were going to be out of business. Were going to be a thing of the past. Jimmy did they go out of business eventually . Yes. Jimmy they were right. Exactly. Jimmy did you hear from those people you used to work with in the store . Yeah, my video store manager texted me congratulations. Thats how i knew somebody didnt die, i was like, why . You know. Yeah, it was a great store. Jimmy were you active in recommending films to people, things you wanted them to watch . Yeah, always, they would ask me, and i would tell them, yeah. Jimmy would they get mad if you recommended something and they did not like it . Yes, there was one person who hated inconvenient truth. And the next day, what kind of movie was this . I was like, a documentary. Jimmy was that person wearing a red hat . With four letters on it by any chance . Possibly, yes. Jimmy what was the first movie you ever saw, do you remember . Yeah, when i was young, one of the first movies i ever saw was a a league of their own. Beetlejuice. And private parts. Jimmy Howard Sterns movie. Yeah. Jimmy how old were you . 7 or 8. Jimmy thats the perfect age for private parts. And just trying to figure out everything thats happening. Yeah. Jimmy was that the work of your dad . My dad and my uncle were obsessed with howard stern. My uncle had the private parts book and my dad had private parts on laser disk. And i was like, who is this guy with the Empire State Building there. Jimmy it was in the media. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy so you were fascinated with this . Yeah, and my dad was also obsessed with recording the e show on and taping it and hoarding