We have a lot did discuss including the bachelor. Bachelor peter is here tonight. You know those people who resolve to exercise and eat healthy . You probably did. Every year. Jimmy i didnt make a new years resolution this year but my wife made new years resolutions for me. She said, this year my new years resolution for you is, and she went on to mention areas in which she would like me to improve. I didnt say anything. But that is allowed . [ laughter ] can you make a resolution for someone else . I dont think so. I think its a selfonly thing. Its like flossing, you dont floss with other people. You can, you just dont. If someone else makes it, i dont think it technically counts as a resolution. I think thats an intervention. There are no joint resolutions for new years. They have to be made by the person who is subject to them, right . Bottom line, im a lazy monster who is incapable of change. The sooner my wife accepts that, the easier both of our lives is going to be. [ cheers and applause ] speaking of fun couples, the president rang in the new year at maralago in palm beach where they were asked about their resolutions for 2020. Happy new year, how about your new years resolutions . Whats your goal for the new year . Peace on the world. Peace is right, but im not sure youre supposed to say resolution out loud. Jimmy no, you can, you can say it out loud. Its not beetlejuice. Its not your birthday wish, its a resolution. Tell anyone you like. I love also that melanias resolution is peace on the world. First of all thats not a resolution, its a wish. Its a wish that it seems her husband doesnt share. Very happy, and we rebuilt our military, we cut taxes down, the lowest in history, biggest tax cut ever. Were doing great. Our country is really the talk of the world. Jimmy well, well hes right on that last thing. [ laughter ] we are the talk of the world. We might even end the world. If you havent been following the news, the president , the guy who sharpied a hurricane, authorized a military strike that killed the number two most powerful man in iran. And now we have a big mess. We have some very angry people, hundreds of thousands of iranians showed up for the Funeral Service of this general, they burned american flags, they burned israeli flags, they shouted death to america, they publicly vowed revenge. Our president continues to escalate the situation. He tweeted a threat that he would attack iran with our best weapons if they retaliate. Even threatened to release the movie cats over there if he has to, scary stuff. He didnt give congress a headsup before he did it, as president s will typically do. Democratic members of congress were not briefed on the attack, though he did reportedly brag about it to some guests at maralago over new years. He told them to expect Something Big in iran very soon. He didnt consult with congress, he did run it by people in line at the chocolate fan due station at his country club. According to the failing New York Times the officials presented him a list of options, including targeting the general he targeted, general soleimani, mainly to make other options seem reasonable. This is like a decoy. When President Trump whose the option of killing general soleimani, top officials were flabbergasted. Three years into the administration, you didnt know he was going to pick the craziest choice . Thats what he does. You dont want him to make a crazy choice, dont give him crazy things to choose from. The only thing donald trump should be allowed to choose is popeyes or kfc, thats it. [ cheers and applause ] some people believe that this seemingly out of nowhere act of aggression was designed to distract us from the impeachment and boost trumps chances of getting reelected. If youre wondering who would come up with an idea like that, well, look no further than this video from 2011. Our president will start a war with iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate. Hes weak and hes ineffective. So the only way he of courses hes going to get reelected, and sure as youre sitting there, is to start a war with iran. Jimmy its like he went back in time to make an attack ad against himself. [ laughter ] happy new year, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] its going to be a great one. Yesterday, what is known to some as dating sunday, the first sunday of the year is traditionally one of the biggest days for dating apps. Basically what happens is all the single people who went home for the holidays got sick of being asked why theyre not married so they signed up for these apps. Yesterday is dating sunday, tonight is bachelor monday here on abc. [ cheers and applause ] bachelor peter, he met 30 women, hes a pilot, a commercial airline pilot. This season the woman he selects will get an Engagement Ring from neil lang and 200,000 skymiles, so this is a big deal. And later on, when peters with us, i will reveal who the woman he chose is. My wife, molly, has correctly predicted six of the last eight bachelor selections, and six of the last seven on the bachelorette. She does this on the first show. She watches the first show, she goes thats the one. Its a weird and useless ability. You think she would have used it to avoid marrying me but she didnt. It was an eighthour season premiere and they packed in a lot including one of the most dramatic moments of bachelor history, the unexpected arrival of an unexpected guest. Is there 40 of us now . Oh, oh, oh, oh, on what is going on . What is happening, what is literally happening . What . Jimmy well. Cancel the cocktail party, we got trouble. Actually the surprise guest was hannah b. Not bill cosby. Hannah b. Was bachelorette on bachelor coltons season, the last bachelor, then she was the bachelorette, then she was on dancing with the stars, now shes back on the bachelor. Hannah has been on abc more than i have the last few years. She stood up tonight and gave a detailed account of the love she and peter made in the windmill, which was really weird. Then peters pilot, they brought in a couple of women, she accomplished women, a marine pilot and the first female member of the blue angels, to give the ladies a pop quiz about airplane stuff. And that went exactly how you might expect it went. How high in feet would you and peter have to be to join the milehigh club . 30,000 . 30,000. Yeah. All right, lets reveal our answers. Okay. 30,000 feet is ridiculously wrong, no. Are you going to space . Yeah. Okay, back here . Didnt even try, thats awesome. Jimmy i love those two. I hope they keep them around the whole season. Id like to see them host a game show, are you smarter than a bachelor contestant . Of all the women who hopped out of the limo tonight, and there were many, one caught my attention, a body waxer named alexa, esthetician. Thats not what caught my eye, i dont know what goes on at your house. Does anybody at abc realize the hell they unleashed . Any time anybody says the name alexa, millions of alexas are going to activate and accidentally order hot tubs to all the houses in the united states. Peter will be here shortly to tell all. I will say is it good to be back to work for you . Guillermo yes, it is. Jimmy why is it good to be back to work for you . Guillermo oh jimmy trouble with the wife at home . Everything all right . Guillermo put it this way, she had knee surgery. Jimmy oh no. Guillermo shes in pain, so jimmy so you were in pain. Guillermo i was. Jimmy welcome back. It was good to see our coworkers and catch up on the nothing we didnt already know from instagram. But we did a fun thing today. We went around the office and we asked people who work here to share the worst gift they got for christmas or hanukkah. These are real staffers with real gifts they really got this holiday season. The worst gift i got was this bag of moldy scones. My dad got me temporary tattoos. I wear it pretty well. My dad gave me a painting of a man standing in the middle of a field. The worst gift i got is this book. The gambling Addiction Recovery workbook based on a true story written by a former gambler. I know this sounds like something a gambling addict would say, but im not a gambling addict. My dad got me this book of bad jokes. So that his hilarious presence would always be felt. The worst gift i got was this tshirt. Some of my coworkers know i have a crush on sofia vergara, and my name is gary. They made me this cardboard cutout of sofia vergary. Jimmy oh, but theyre both beautiful. Thanks, everybody. Weve got a good show tonight. Music tonight from Pharell Williams. [ cheers and applause ] the bachelor peter is here with us. Well be right back with Tiffany Haddish, so stick around paul sprint has great news for you and your family. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live brought to you by sprint. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 paul . Included for just 35 a month when you switch. sprintern whoa. What a deal. paul and, sprint has a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out and see the savings for yourself. So, take it to 11, with iphone 11 at sprint for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. I am totally blind. And non24 can make me show up too early. Or too late. Or make me feel like im not really there. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442342424. Delivered to your car door so you can do more. Try drive up at target. Feels so good feels so good target run and done. But since they bought their new house. Which menu am i looking at here . Start with tapaz. Oh, its tapas. Tapas. Get out of town. Its like eating dinner with your parents. Sandra, are you in school . Yes, im in art school. Oh, wow. So have you thought about how youre gonna make money . At least were learning some new things. We bundled our home and auto with progressive, saved a bunch. Oh, we got a wobbler. Progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. Thats what the extra menus for. Jimmy hi there, welcome back. Tonight, he either is, or was, the most eligible bachelor on this or any television network. The bachelor peter weber is with us here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and hes going to make love to you in a windmill so that is exciting. Then here with his song from the great Netflix Documentary the black godfather, its called letter to my godfather. Pharrell williams from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, the marvelous mrs. Maisel rachel brosnahan. Actor director greta gerwig will join us. Well have music from Taylor Hawkins and the coattail riders. And later this week, john cena, rupaul, michael b. Jordan, and janury jones, with music from Dermot Kennedy and cigarettes after sex. So please join us for all that. Tonight, we begin a new year on an upnote with a very funny person. She is festive and resolute with a new movie too. Like a boss opens in theaters friday. Please say hello to Tiffany Haddish. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very good to see you. You look fantastic. Thank you, thank you. Jimmy by the way, thank you. You played willona on good times live here on abc about three weeks ago. Yes. Jimmy you were great, you really nailed it, you did a great job, thank you, it was very fun to do, it wasnt a hard character for me to play. Jimmy you did seem to slide right into willona. Very close, and i watched good times for many, many years. Jimmy good times was one of the best. Good times but they werent good times. Jimmy most of them were bad, sarcastic good times, which is how i like to say it. When something is not going quite right good times. I heard your monologue. You know she know where youre weak at. She know where you need to improve. Jimmy well, yeah, believe me, she made that quite clear. Uhhuh, thats her job as a wife, let you know where youre messing up so you can become a better man. Jimmy you know to know the real resolution, what shouldnt med to do . What, what, what . Jimmy she wanted me to drink less iced tea and more water. And i somehow took offense to that. Well, thats actually a good thing. Jimmy i know, its good. It probably smells bad when you pee. [ laughter ] probably really strong. Like its still around drink more water jimmy quite the contrary, it smells like were at the lipton factory. By the way, i have so much to ask you. Okay. Jimmy so you and i were at a party for crank yankers. A show on Comedy Central which you were nice to be a part of. We were talking. And you said, hey, id like to invite you to my bat mitzvah. Uhhuh. Jimmy and i said, i would love to come to your bat mitzvah. And so then, surprising to me, i got an invitation about a week later, come to tiffanys bat mitzvah. So i said, all right, im going to go to tiffanys bat mitzvah. Now i thought you were kidding about this. I did. And i know, i told you this a couple of times, each time you give me that look. But i thought you were kidding. I was dead serious, i told you ive been studying hebrew jimmy i thought it was a joke. If i have a microphone in my hand i might be joking about religion. If im talking to you mano y mano, im telling the truth. Jimmy now i know that, but i didnt know it. I showed up in jeans. I know, that looked so bad. He had a windbreaker on. [ laughter ] jimmy i did have a windbreaker on. I was like, jimmy, what are you okay, well, im happy you made it. Jimmy yeah, and i was embarrassed, first of all, to be underdressed like that. You should be. Jimmy i was. But you really this was a serious event. Yeah. Jimmy well, it was on a thursday night. Who has a bat mitzvah on a thursday . A black jew. [ cheers and applause ] more affordable, its more affordable. Jimmy and Billy Crystal spoke. Yeah, he did the aliyah, my ceremony, he gave a little speech. Thats like, hes my everything. Jimmy you guys just did a movie together. Yeah, here today, should be coming out soon. Jimmy hes a great person. Hes amazing, hes taught me so much. Hes like my like secondary rabbi. Like if i got issues going on, ill take it to him. Hes like, oh, tiffany, youre crazy. Gives me some of the best advice. Hes been in this business for over 60 years. Jimmy yeah. And he has taught me some really valuable lessons. And i wish i would have known them sooner in my career . So theres you read from the torah. You memorize. You worked on this for months. Yeah. Jimmy i had no idea whether youve done it well or not. But people said you were great. And in fact, the rabbi said you were like the fastest learner shed ever worked with. Uhhuh. Jimmy so now you im a genius. [ laughter ] jimmy so now you are did you celebrate hanukkah, then . Yes, i did celebrate hanukkah. You know, ive been celebrating hanukkah for a while now, since i bought my house. Thats like four years, five years. And i guess i been celebrating wrong for a long time. Jimmy in what way . See, you know, its the its the candles, right . I thought at the end of hanukkah, thats when you light the bonus candle. Like you get two. Like bam, yeah, we got it, yeah, we lit thats what i thought. But apparently youre supposed to light the extra candle on day one. Jimmy its like the pilot light. Yeah. Jimmy then all the other candles follow. I didnt know that. Jimmy how did you find out you werent doing it right . I had posted a picture on instagram. My followers and friends, brothers and sisters, jewish sisters and brothers, let me know i was doing it wrong. Theyre like, this from last night . Youre missing a candle. No, this is from tonight. Theyre like, you need to light one more candle. Uhuh, i light that at the end. Theyre like, no, this is how you do it. Jimmy thank god for instagram, they really are able to correct us. God makes sure you get the message and learn how do do it the right way. Jimmy i saw you had a huge table of presents. Did you get good stuff . Oh, man, i got some good, good stuff. Jimmy what did you get . I got some necklace right here that im wearing. Jimmy uhhuh. From Barbra Streisand. Jimmy wow, wow. She wasnt there. She wasnt there but she sent me some diamonds. Jimmy i see, okay. Well, thats pretty good. Yeah. And i got oh, you guys jimmy do you know Barbra Streisand . Yeah, i know Barbra Streisand. Jimmy how do you know Barbra Streisand . I know a lot of people. Jimmy i want to know how you know barbra. Im a cool person, people want to hang out with me. I went to a movie night at this executives house and barbra was there, i started talking to her about cardi b and all kind of stuff. Jimmy did she know about cardi b . She didnt know, i had to break it down. I started rappin for her and everything. Jimmy you filled her in. Yeah. Black shoes she was like, are you talking about the red bottoms . Yes, yes and or gang banging jimmy wow. More or than and, right . Yeah. So barbra sent you a present. Yeah, barbra sent me a present. Jimmy by the way, im embarrassed because i got you the same present except without diamonds in it. Yeah, you did, no diamonds. But im going to wear it when i work out in public places, you know. [ laughter ] where it seems like i dont want people to feel like ill wear it, ill wear it. Jimmy zales was the only place open. Somebody sent me a tennis bracelet. Somebody else beyonces mom gave me the most beautiful bible. Miss tina gave me the most beautiful bible with this cross on it and everything. I was like, is she trying to say, hey you know youre black, right . Jimmy beyonces mother sent you a bible with a crucifix on it for your bat mitzvah . It had diamonds on the crucifix so ill read from that any time, any day, ill read from both. They start out the same. Jimmy we have a fun thing were going to do when we come back. Your movie is like a boss, yeah, uhhuh. Jimmy we came up with a Little Something that we gathered some people, one of them is from your past, and the others are not from your past. One of those people was your boss at one time. I dont want you to look too much because i dont want you to figure it out yet i dont know none of them [ laughter ] jimmy way back into Tiffany Haddishs life to see if she can if you can figure out are we playing a game . Jimmy yes. This is your lucky youre going to pull out my social worker next . [ laughter ] jimmy its a game show with no prize, well play it when we come back. Tiffany haddish is here, well be right back all we have are feet. Us a helping hann technology can make our beds, without us. Go on technology, set the mood. We even have cpas at our fingertips who will review our taxes with us before we file. Ive checked your return and youre good to go. Great thanks. People can be good at anything. Yes, even taxes. Intuit turbotax. We all use our cellphones very