We will throw them by caucus. Were in whittle mode. Last night in New Hampshire, senator Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg finished one and two. A very tight margin between them. That is turning out to be some matchup. An old jewish guy versus a young gay guy. Like an uncomfortable thanksgiving dinner. The media is eager to crown a winner, but the truth is, it takes like 2,000 delegates to win the nomination. Iowa and New Hampshire combined have 65, and neither state is demographically representative of anything but a Jimmy Buffett concert. Declaring a frontrunner at this point, its like picking a Plastic Surgeon via yelp reviews. Jennyp and the bigdave505 like him. But it was another disappointing night for joe biden who finished in fifth place and then had to hitchhike to South Carolina. Because hes not allowed to drive at night. But if you are, if you are joe biden, 77 years old, you lose New Hampshire to 78 year old Bernie Sanders, that has to feel like getting dumped by a woman and then seeing her on a date with your uncle. Thats got to sting. Biden may be down, but hes not out. He said it aint over until the fat lady sings, and i see some awfully fat women here tonight. He sometimes says the wrong thing, but. Senator Michael Bennet of colorado announced that he is ending his campaign. Hes planning to go back to his previous job of looking like the assistant principal on a Disney Channel show. He had. 3 of the vote, less than 1 , and hes dropping out. And hes dropping out. Michael bennets saying hes dropped out of the race is like me saying ive decided not to run the Kentucky Derby this year. Two betterknown democrats, Deval Patrick and andrew yang are dropping out. Yang is dropping out to spend more time with his calculator. If youre wanting something to remember him by, his merchandise is now 40 off. In case youre looking for something to wear with the word yang is on it. Bernie is the guy beat. But the big surprise has been Amy Klobuchar. She took third place last night. A month ago, if somebody had told me she was going to do better than joe biden, that person would have been Amy Klobuchar. It wouldnt have been anybody else. Even our president , donald jehosophat trump has uttered her name twice. One was in 2018 for the president ial medal of freedom. Thank you, as well, to senator Amy Klobuchar for being here. Maybe the reason he wont say her name is because he cant say her name. He has enough trouble with buttigieg. His primary, primary focus, the president , is on Mike Bloomberg. After the primary, he tweeted a bad night for mini mike, even though Mike Bloomberg wasnt on the ballot last night. It would be more shocking to find out trump did know how the primaries work out. But our Great Pumpkin loaf has had a hell of a week already. Hes doing everything he can to obstruct justice again. Last night he lashed out at the judge in a case against his friend roger stone who was convicted of lying to congress and witness tampering. Earlier this week he fired colonel vindmaand his twin brother who had nothing to do with any of this. He suggested today that the military should punish vindman for the crime of testifying before congress, i guess. Why do i get the feeling were going to have to impeach this guy two more times before the election. Hes going for a threepeach. It has never been done. He met with the president of ecuador today, but almost all the questions were about this new crusade hes on to punish those who opposed him and make sure all his criminal friends get off the hook. A man leaks classified information, highly classified. They give him two months. Roger stone, for doing nobody even knows what he did. In fact, they said he intimidated somebody. That person said he had no idea he was going to jail for that. That person didnt want to press charges. They put him in for nine years . Its a disgrace. Jimmy everything is a disgrace. Donald trump loves to disgrace us with his presence. The whistleblower is a disgrace to our country. I call it impeachment light. Its a disgrace. Shift is a crooked, hes a corrupt politician and disgrace. Its an absolute disgrace what theyre doing to our country. The whole thing with biden is a disgrace. What the democrats did in the house is a disgrace. I think its a disgrace that people can make impeachment out of nothing. What they put my family through is a disgrace. How she got away with that is a disgrace. Whats happened to San Francisco is a disgrace. What happened in iowa was a disgrace. What a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its a disgrace. Its really a great thing in some ways, but in other ways, its a disgrace. [cheers and applause] jimmy a disgrace. [ applause ] and i know disgrace don jr. Is my son maybe wed be better off with a dog president , you know last night in new york they had an election at the Westminster Kennel Club and best in show was this dog. The best in show goes to the standard poodle yes yes siba takes it all 4yearold siba, your 2020 best in show. I had a feeling. Yes jimmy these announcers need to calm down. You think dogs would get that excited when they watch us in the olympics . No. The winning canine was siba. Lets have another look at siba, slow motion here. This is, i dont know about you, but this is easily one of the scariest things ive ever seen in my life. Im going to have nightmares about siba all night tonight. Siba is a black standard poodle. The Westminster Dog Show had more diversity than the oscars this year, but this win is really, im excited, because this is going to open a lot of doors for siba. She can now drag her butt across any carpet in the world. So congratulations. This is, this is a video thats been making the rounds, and it is to my knowledge the number one reason why you should have a nest camera at your house. Ah ah jimmy right. You thought it was, you thought it was just the one. Obviously, i want to know more about what happened there, so weve tracked the victims down. And they are joining us now from martinsburg, west virginia. Hi, guys. Hows it goin, jimmy . [cheers and applause] jimmy welcome, robbie and courtney. And its good to see you safely indoors. Have you been outside since the incident . Yes, i have. I try not to. Jimmy and neither of you are hurt physically, correct . I had a bruise on my hip for about a week. But thats about it. As you can see, im pretty padded. Jimmy when did this happen . How long ago . It was about a month ago on a sunday. Jimmy okay. When we had that big ice storm. Jimmy youre brother and sister, correct . Yes. Jimmy and who is older . Im older. Jimmy okay. Im the baby. Jimmy youre the baby. Do you live with your parents . Or do you live together . Just together . As a family, with our parents. Jimmy do you think the slippery deck may have been their way of trying to get you to move out . Perhaps theyre greasing it. They would be my top suspects right now. So tell us what happened. Set this up. Courtney, you were just having a normal morning with your brother in his underwear . I dont know. And what happened . He was asleep when i was getting ready to go to work, and i realized it was icy, so i went out to light my cigarette and have my coffee and jimmy oh, see smoking is bad. And how many steps did you fall down there . It was hard to tell . There was 20 of them. Jimmy wow, 20 steps. And theres no video of that . No. Jimmy and robbie, i assume you heard screaming . Yeah, you know, i woke up to that sound of wailing, wasnt sure if it was an animal or my sister. I thought she might be hurt, so i rushed right out to help her, hence my state of dress or lack thereof. And my rescue attempt didnt go as well as i was hoping. Jimmy well, lets take a look at that moment in slow motion with the audience. Here you are in your underpants, and you went down pretty hard, which i imagine didnt feel great. But then the ultimate indignity. And ive been a deep sea fishing, and ive seen this kind of thing with a tuna before, but so who wound up helping who up after this . Um, unfortunately, neither of us helped each other. I tried to get up myself and go back and go out the basement to help her without any ice. Jimmy uhhuh. But she was able to i crawled up the steps, my dad went out to help. He came out through the basement. Hes about to have hip surgery. I didnt want him to be up the steps. Jimmy that would have been quite a video in itself. How soon after that did you realize oh, we have this on video and we should post it . I went to get a shower to wipe off all the whipped cream and coffee in my hair. And i came out and bobby and my mom were watching the video of him. And showed me, and i started laughing, and they were like, well, theres one of you, too, i dont know if i should show you. They showed me, i sent it to my phone and showed it to everyone. As soon as i realized what i had, i told mom to pull that video up on her phone. I wanted to see it. Jimmy oh, yeah, its gold. Are you famous now in your town . Yes. Theyre sending pictures of me posting them on facebook saying oh, this is the chick in the video. Jimmy i can see this a whole series, you guys fall downstairs, escalators, who knows. Any Online Dating possibilities emerged from this incident . No, okay. Well, we did get you, you know, im glad you guys are okay, and we enjoyed the video. And thank you for posting it. Because a lot of people wouldnt do that. We got you some presents were going to send you. We got you a big bag of salt. And also we got you a pair of sweat pants. We got them for 40 off, robbie, so. Well send those your way, all right . Thank you. [cheers and applause] thank you, guys. Thank you jimmy be careful, all right . We will. Definitely. Jimmy very good. You know, valentines day is on friday. Guillermo, what are you doing on valentines day . Guillermo dinner and im going to buy flowers for my wife. Jimmy will you be making love to your wife . Guillermo of course. Jimmy its a test for husbands to see how much money you are willing to waste to show you love her more than the spouse of the woman who sits next to her at work. And most men dont do well on tests. To test that test we went out on hollywood boulevard. We found some couples who had been together a while and asked the guys a few questions about their ladies, and as a result, the following relationships have been destroyed. So im going to ask you some very basic questions about your girlfriend. Okay. Just answer them to the best of your ability and you can tell us whether he was right or wrong. When is your girlfriends birthday . Um, her birthday is, a couple months ago . Its in i do know this. November. In december. October. Yeah. October. October what . October 20th. No 22nd. No 19th . No. Its october 29th. What e the names of your girlfriends parents . Um, it is stewart, is that where you get your middle name . No. Christopher . No. No. Jonathan . I dont think you know this. Do you know his parents names . Pamela and archie, right . Whats his name . That is right. Close your eyes. Okay. What color are your girlfriends eyes . Theyre like bluegreen. Dude, really . What is your girlfriends middle name . Uh, thats a good question. Ann . No. Marie. [ bleep ], not even close. Its lynn. Im upset. Does your wife have any allergies . Um, unknown. Could potentially have hay fever. We dont know. Penicillin is kind of deadly to me. So he should probably know that. What is your girlfriends Favorite Movie . Pocahontas. [ laughter ] the confidence was nice, though. That was good. What is your wifes favorite meal . Hmm. Meal . Thats a hard one. No, its not. Sushi. Beer and pizza. Oh that changes things. Thats two of us. Whats name of your girlfriends boss . Her boss name . Irene . Not true. Whats your boss name . Oh, my gosh, sarah. Okay. She look like irene. What are the names of your wifes grand parents . Ooh boy, thats been a long time ago. I dont remember. Should he know the names of your grandparents . Yes. Can you name his grandparents . Perky, ray, aleen and lee. What are the names of her siblings . She only has one. And uh, huh, you better answer. Shes going to be really mad at me, because we just down there over christmas, too. Sue. Sue and danny. What song did you do your first dance to at your wedding . [ bleep ]. I have no idea. When did you get married . March 26, december 26. The two of you, whos the more generous lover . Me. Is that true . No jimmy me is the wrong answer. Weve got a good show for you. Music from andy shauf. Lucy hale is here. And well be right back with luke bryan, katy perry and Lionel Richie. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by sprint. paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. paul and because sprint likes to do things differently, theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out and see the savings for yourself. sprintern now thats a picture perfect deal. Smile. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Introducing wendys big bacon classic. With fresh, never frozen beef and hot crispy bacon. If youre not getting your Bacon Cheeseburger from wendys, what are you getting . soft rock music playing get the big bacon classic now on wendys made to crave menu. Find something incredible, from somewhere amazing. Unique selection, unbelievable prices. Homegoods. Go finding. Homegoods. I am totally blind. And non24 can make me show up too early. Or too late. Or make me feel like im not really there. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442342424. Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. Soursop. Hot pot. Scallop. Kebab. inhale brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are americas kitchen. I just feel stuck, doc. And im hearing voices. You feel stuck. Because you are stuck. In a giant chocolate bar. Huh. But what about the voices . Thats me there it is again. Nows the time sale . And take an extra 20 off . Pick up fleece for the family 11. 99 and under. Shoes for the family 35. 99 and under. And these Hamilton Beach kitchen electrics are just 15. 99 each. Plus get kohls cash at kohls and kohls dot com. Sorry, sliced bread. Save 5 or more over other National Chains on delivered pizza. doorbell rings. pizza, pizza. 100 online car buying. Carvanas had a lot of firsts. On delivered pizza. doorbell rings. car vending machines. And now, putting you in control of your financing. At carvana, get personalized terms, browse for cars that fit your budget, then customize your down payment and monthly payment. And these arent madeup numbers. Its what youll really pay, right down to the penny. Whether youre shopping or just looking. It only takes a few seconds, and it wont affect your credit score. Finally a totally different way to finance your ride. Only from carvana. The new way to buy a car. Tomtrump on the economy. Ald his people over profits plan makes a living wage a right. Creates thousands of good paying green jobs in california. And provides a 10 tax cut for everyone making under 250,000. Toms plan also makes health care a right, by adding a public option to obamacare. Protects union negotiated plans. And ensures californians can make their own health care choices. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Jimmy hey, there, how you doin . Tonight, from the new cw show katy keene, lucy hale is here. Then, his album is called the neon skyline, andy shauf from the mercedesbenz stage. Andy has two clarinets in his band. Thats a record. Tomorrow, chris pratt and huey lewis will be with us. With music from sam hunt. And we might even have a surprise guest too. Our first guests are three very talented stars of music whove banded together for the third time to find their own replacements. A new season of American Idol premieres sunday night here on abc. Please welcome luke bryan, katy perry and Lionel Richie. [cheers and applause] jimmy may i ask, do you guys always sit in like these positions you have now set we do what were told so we can keep comin back this is it. This is how we do it. Seniority, beauty, brains. I had stared into katies left ear. Very clean. Because she sits, and im just like, there it is. Left ear. Jimmy why is it so clean, katy . Are you using qtips . You know youre not supposed to. I dont care, luke has to look inside my ear. Sometimes they get stuck. Jimmy youre the senior partner . The firm . Its either senior partner or senior citizen. I like senior partner better. Were here to preserve his legacy. You like that . Or ruin it. Jimmy i think your legacy is undiminishable, really. Well, no, no, no. You havent met these two. These two, i mean, whatever my comfort zone was, they have taken me to a new level of just by the seat of my pants. Jimmy yeah, right. Im not sure whats going to happen. But going out on that show, every time we go out, i just hold my breath and go, god take me to the next level. Jimmy because you play it pretty safe in general. You know me. We dont take any chances. Once you survive in the music business for 100 years and youre still here, you dont want to take any chances. These two take me to the edge. Jimmy i know katy, for sure, will, katy, will you agree with this assessment of lionel is that hes got the greatest stories. Oh, my gosh. Jimmy but he keeps them for private situations. Its the best. Okay, so i ran into Lionel Richie when there was this talk about maybe doing American Idol. I actually ran into him at sunset tower. Get a reservation. And i ran into him and lisa. Right. And we had a drink together, and he was telling me stories about diana ross and whitney houston. And i was like oh, my gosh. You have so much wisdom. They asked me