Coronavirus is up. This planet is going to pure l n a handbasket. They just identified this new case of coronavirus in the state of california. And its curious, because the person who got it didnt go anywhere or come into contact with anyone who went to one of these travel hotspots. Last night i ordered post mates, and before i let him in i made the delivery guy spray himself down with the hose. Theyve deployed Remote Control tanks in china that shoot disinfectant onto the citizenry. That should clear it up. Its a lysol roomba. But we dont have that. President trump is concerned, not necessarily for health reasons, but because the dow was down almost 1200 points today, it was the worst oneday drop ever in the history of the stock market and a soft economy could hurt his chances for reelection. Its virus versus virus right now. So yesterday trump put mike pence on the case. The New York Times reported that he said he picked pence because he has nothing else to do. [ laughter ] its interesting that he picked pence to handle this. Especially because in 2014 donald trump tweeted, obama just appointed an ebola czar with zero experience in Infectious Disease control, a total joke. Theres a tweet for everything. Its almost like donald trump from the past is trying to stop donald trump in the future. And its just not working. This is a funny joke, too. Back in may of 2018, to save money, the Trump Administration disbanded the u. S. Pandemic response team, although, to be fair, who could ever see Something Like that coming in to be handy, and another reason trump better start taking this more seriously, the coronavirus may result in a shortage of his favorite drink. Apparently, the artificial sweetner used in diet coke comes from china. He drinks 14 cokes a day. In the morning he blends it with Fried Chicken skins and calls it a smoothie. The president is a germaphobe. He doesnt like sick people around. So the white house and cdc are reinforcing the importance of washing your hands with a video. The white house presents how to wash your hands. Step one. Turn on water. Step would. Apply soap to hands. Step three. Rub hands together. Until perfectly clean. Step four. Dry them off. Now youre safe to do the things you love virus free. So good. Mm. A message from cdc. Gov. Cd jimmy thats why we need to eat our vegetables. Tonight at the white house the president and first lady held an event to honor black history month. Of course they chose february 27th to do it. Like a new Years Eve Party that starts at 11 58 p. M. They really went for it. They had special outfit the and everything. The fresh prince of bad hair, and i love the idea of donald trump and black history. This is a man who thinks that rosa parks is short from omarosa parks. Dot rig do the right thing has a higher rating. Trump is calling them black voice for America Community centers. Black americans are calling them a trap. They say the goal is to engage voters and discuss the incredible strides black americans have made. Whats next, the mike pence lgbt club . This isnt an outreach program. This is the sequel to get out. They released a photo of some of the senators. This sign caught my eye. They want to you text woke, to88022, just to find out how dumb you are, like when the nigerian prince email you asking for 600. But in this case, its our president. They are so opposite of woke that they are selling hats with the word woke on them, and who better to model those hats than the sleepiest guy in maga land, ben carson. If that doesnt get the vote i dont know what he will do, kanye will have to come down your chimney i guess. Michael bloomberg took a shot, say what you want about Mike Bloomberg. This is a gentleman who knows thousa how to deliver a laugh. I spell team team. Theres no i in team. Jimmy cpac is under way in washington. Ifrou ye goesot on at cpac, this clip should tell you all you need to know. We have david snider, dr. David snider, a leading orthopedist and writer of a new book. And hell tell you among other things why socialized medicine killed princess diana. You heard it here first. Jimmy and hopefully last. I dont know. This year cpac covered the whole building with tinfoil so they dont have to wear the individual hats. Meanwhile, there is a fugitive on the loose in australia. A male baboon escaped a facility where he was scheduled to undergo a vasectomy, and he ran off with two female baboons who were there to keep him calm during the procedure. Jimmy thats called Unfinished Business it makes me miss charlie sheen. Its a weird thing. In other prime eigate news, can guess which state is invade . Of course its florida florida has monkeys with herpes. Six of these monkeys were brought to florida in the 30s to provide tourists with the jungletype experience. Since then, theyve multiplied to nearly 400 herpes mondkeys. Every time they try to put the condom over the banana in training, one of them eats the banana. That was almost a popsicle stick joke. Tensions are very high with this virus at airports around the world, but if youre flying air new zealand, you can relax. Starting in october they will be offering bunk beds in coach. These are for those times when youre on a flight and you say you know, i wish this felt more like an orphanage in space. Those are not bunk beds. Lets call them what they are, overhead compartments. If this catches on your air travel will go from this to this. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines are testing underwing hammocks, which is special exit route. In the state of virginia, lawmakers there are in the process of getting an unusual law, a law against fornication off their books. Its currently illegal for unmarried people to have sex in the state of virginia. And if they catch you, you can get a 250 fine. For real. This is like the porn version of footloose. State lawmakers have decided they want to repeal the law. But theyre waiting on the governor to sign it any minute now. I want to know more about this, we tracked someone down, and with us now is the man leading the effort to abolish this antiquated law, charles potter. Hello, charles, and thank you four joining us. [cheers and applause] hi there, jimmy, happy sex to you. Jimmy and happy sex to you, too. We were just talking about whats going on there legally. It tell us what youve been doing and how its been going. Its been a long, long battle, but i would say were closer than ever to putting this silly and arcane code to bed. Jimmy good, good. And the reason i say bed is i cannot wait to have sex. Jimmy what . From what ive been told, i hear its just great. Jimmy wait a minute. Youve never had sex . Of course im not married. Jimmy so youre a virgin then . I guess so. And all because of this dang law. Pardon my language. Jimmy its okay. So wait a minute. You let this law stop from you having sex your entire life . What else was i supposed to do . Go off and get busy with a nonwife lady . Jimmy well, yeah, yes, that is what youre supposed to do. Thats what a criminal would do. And criminals go to jail jimmy yes. Where you could lose your virginity. The bad way. Jimmy yeah, i know, i know. Isnt it, you dont go to jail. Isnt it only a 250 fine if youre caught . Oh, listen to mr. Money bags here. Just Walking Around with 250 worth of boners in his pocket. I almost mispronounced that. Jimmy yeah, you did. Good thing. 250 worth of boners in your pocket. Jimmy yeah, i heard the boner thing, for sure. These guys, if i spent all my money on fines, how am i supposed to pay for my sex equipment . Jimmy what do you mean by sex equipment . I dont know, i havent done it before. Dont you need some kind of equipment . Jimmy no, not preellreally,. Its free . Jimmy yeah, most of the time, yeah. Charles, i just want to say im excited foo excited for you. I wish you a lot of luck. Thank you. But i dont need luck, what i need is experience, thats why i put an ad on the world web asking for sex lessons. Jimmy oh. And let me tell you, a lot of people responded. Jimmy oh, they did, what website did you do that snon. Its called gregs list. Jimmy craigslist. That may not be a good idea. [ doorbell ] hey, gang, come on in, take off your robes and make yourself at home. Hi. Oh, hi, andy, did you bring your horse . You know i did. I want to hear more about that whole sidesaddle deal. Jimmy charles, have fun but pace yourself, okay . Oh, beat it, prude, dont be such a square. Who wants to go first. Jimmy wait a minute. Guillermo, is that you . Guillermo no no names allowed here, jimmy. All right, i am ready. I have to warn you guys, no crazy stuff. Jimmy okay. There you go. We wish you all a lot of luck. All right. One more thing before we, that was charles. [cheers and applause] hes about to lose his virginity. It is thursday night, and that means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. [cheers and applause] good evening and thank you so much for joining us tonight as the seven candidates for the democratic president ial nomination will [ bleep ] right here on this stage. When you have a small [ bleep ], people always tease you. And if youre watching right now and youre a billionaire, i will [ bleep ] your [ bleep ]. Im going to be announcing exactly right now that im going to be [ bleep ]ing our Vice President mike pence. If you feel in danger because the precautions they take, i [ bleep ] one of the patients there. Youre negotiating with your child to take a [ bleep ]. Kind of bargaining, i consider it. Lots to learn about pediatric it i think. I never knew about it, i [ bleep ]ed your husband. Im here with my best friend. We [ bleep ] at the university. Go heels. Hes faster than a [ bleep ]ing jackrabbit. Jimmy we have a good show tonight. Music from goody grace with blink182. Storm reid is here. And well be right back with Mark Wahlberg. [cheers and applause] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by the all new kia seltos with chicken or shrimp fajitas now on chilis 3 for 10. ita is a little bit. sizzling oh, so delicious. And a whole lotta. crunching thats a fajita, starter and drink for just 10 bucks. So lets go out to ita the family has to share one. Ooo. Got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 phones for free switch to boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line with unlimited data, and 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones, all on our super fast network. Protect your pet with the 1 name in flea and tick protection. Frontline plus. Trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. Frontline plus. Ill b waiting here waiting just for you welcome to my world its not getting in my way. . I had enough joint pain, swelling, tenderness. Much better. My psoriasis, clearer. Cosentyx works on all of this. Four years and counting. So watch out. I got this watch me. Real people with active Psoriatic Arthritis are feeling real relief with cosentyx. Cosentyx is a different kind of targeted biologic. It treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability. To fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Or if youve had a vaccine, or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I just look and feel better. I got real relief with cosentyx. Watch me feel real relief. Ask your rheumatologist about cosentyx. VoMike Bloomberg has a recordgue of doing something. As mayor, he protected womens reproductive rights. Expanded hortality rates to historic lows. As president , hell build on obamacare, cap medical costs, and will always protect a womans right to choose. Mike bloomberg a record on Health Care Nobody can argue about. Mike im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Jimmy well, hi there, welcome back to the show. Tonight, from the new scary new movie invisible man, storm reid is here. Then, the song is called, scumbag. Goody grace featuring blink182 from the mercedesbenz stage. Next week, we have new shows, with senator elizabeth warren, senator ben affleck, congresswoman elle fanning, freddie highmore, justina machado, dave burd and eric andre, with music from tame impala, victoria monet, and phantogram. Our first guest tonight is a major Motion Picture star, twotime oscar nominee, and i think he invented underpants. For men. Starting next friday on netflix, he goes back to boston in spenser confidential. Please welcome Mark Wahlberg. [cheers and applause] jimmy hows it goin . Good, how are you . Jimmy im doing wheell. Youre getting more handsome, i think. I think your eyesights getting bad. Jimmy i saw you on tv last weekend. Lets roll that quick clip right there. There you are sitting right next to lebron. Uhhuh. Jimmy almost, they dont have a bench anymore, but almost on the lakers bench, and i know youre a celtics fan, and you were there the whole game with lebron. Yes. Jimmy do you talk to him during the game . I said hello. I didnt want to interrupt him at his place of business. So many people who play on the lakers are also friends of mine. Jimmy okay. So im there trying to be as neutral as possible. I say hi to them, the celtics players that i know. Im secretly rooting for the celtics. I dont mind. Its good to see the rivalry back. Then they put eddie murphy on the jumbotron, people cheer. And they put me, and i hadnt been booed like that ever. Like a rousing boo. I only had a jesus piece on. I was trying to show it was jesus. But it was amazing to see the rivalry again. It was absolutely crazy. Jimmy its fun. That may be my favorite rivalry in all of sports. And those seats are amazing. Ive been to games like matt and i were sharing seats at the championship game. Jimmy matt who . I hope youre not talking about matt damon. No, matt mccarthy. Jimmy okay, good, yeah. He told the story, he says phil jackson turned around and yelled at both of us. He didnt yell at both of us, he yelled at matt. He told matt to sit down and shut the [ bleep ] up. I was sitting there minding my own business. Jimmy i always liked phil jackson, now im realizing why. Youve not been scolded by any of the coaches . I havent, no. Jimmy have you talked to other players, like had real conversations during a game . Literally, the championship, all of a sudden i was sitting there, i had a pair of shoes untied and shaq had filled up my entire boot with baby powder. This is like game six or game seven of the world championship. You [ bleep ]ed with me and my boots. Its something i dont get to do that often, but when i can go and i took my son, it was a great, great experience. Jimmy i want to ask about that, too. How old is your son . My son who went with me is 11. I have a 13 year old as well. Jimmy you are from boston, celtics, patriots, et cetera. Do you make your son root for your team . It was a bit of a prerequisite, also, my son, my youngest boy, he played intermural for the knicks, so hes still kind of a knicks fan. Hes hoping the knicks will turn it around at some point. Jimmy he had the jersey . I did the same thing when i played for the as in Little League in boston. Jimmy if your son decided hey, you know what, i live in lach l. A. , im a lakers fan, would you be okay with it . Ive come to realize that theyre all professional athletes. Its their livelihood. I dont get mad now. If tom goes somewhere else, ill support him. Hes given us so much joy in six super bowls, i can root for him. Jimmy would you ever buy your son a lakers jersey . Yeah. Jimmy you wont have to, because i bought him one. Oh, wow jimmy its a magic, a good way to start. Thats for him. So when i get home, im going to present this, and were either going to put this in the doggie, oh, thats magic. Jimmy yeah, thats like your green jesus. You cant me mess with that. Whatever youre smelling there, he didnt wear it. Hes my neighbor and a fantastic man. Jimmy oh, yeah. We got to get this kid to the lakers. Magic won my kids over. We had a Lemonade Stand in the neighborhood. Im passed out in the chair. Magic bought a lemonade from my kids for 100. Hes already a magic fan. Sweetheart of a guy. Jimmy wow. You mentioned tom brady. Tom is a friend of yours . Yes. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy you dont know what hes doing. Dont try to jimmy do you think he knows what hes doing . I think he has an idea of what he wants to do, and i want him to do what haves best for him and his family. Hes brought us so much joy. Ive took my boy to games. Jimmy do you think he stays . I think would be nice, but if he wants to go elsewhere, i root him on. Jimmy lets say he leaves the patriots. Im not talking about imham talking about you. Would you want him to come to l. A. And play for the rams or go elsewhere . I think hopefully the patriots will be smart enough to pay him. If not, the raiders are obviously a pgs o. He wants to go somewhere where he can win. Jimmy he told you that . Jared goff, i think, is secure in his job. Jimmy oh, yeah, right. Chargers, right. But i think maybe the chargers, yeah. Philip rivers is no longer there. Jimmy would you invite him to stay in your home and hang out hear for the if he wanted to, but i dont think hes hurtin for rent money. Jimmy who do you think tom likes better, monda damon. Me. We put him in a movie, made it seem like he has a golden penis. Jimmy your oldest girl, how old is she now. Shes 16. Jimmy is she driving yet. Sshe is not. She had a bad experience in hawaii. Shes driving on a golf course, both sides are lava. I told her to slow down and she didnt. And she starts to go up on the lava and bails out of the cart. Jimmy it was not hot lava was it . No, it was dry, sharp, dangerous lava. So she hasnt asked to drive anymore, which im grateful for. Jimmy shes scared off from driving . Yes. Before that, it was like, let me take your car, drive around the neighborhood. I was trying to give her all the safety tips and she wouldnt listen to me. Not like me, my dad drove a 18 wheeler, put me on his lap, let me get the wheel and taught me thousand clutch. Jimmy when you were 13 you were learning to drive a truck . I was 11, but i dont want to make it seem like he weigas doi too much inappropriate. Jimmy what was the first car hundred . I bought a71 bug and left it down the street from the house. The first legal car i owned was a pontiac le mans. Bought it from a