This planet is going to purel in a handbasket. So they just identified the first case of this new coronavirus here in the state of california, and its mysterious, because the person who got it didnt go anywhere or come into contact with anyone who traveled from one of these viral hotspots overseas. Last night i ordered post mates, and before i opened the door i made the delivery guy spray himself down with the hose. This is how theyre cracking down on the virus in had china. Theyve deployed Remote Control tanks that shoot disinfectant onto the citizenry. Its of, that should clear it up. Its a lysol roomba. But we dont have that. President trump is concerned, not necessarily for health reasons, but because the dow was down almost 1200 points today, its what the worst oneday drop ever in the history of the stock market and a soft economy could hurt his chances for reelection. Its virus versus virus right now. So yesterday trump put mike pence on the case. The New York Times reported he picked pence because he has nothing else to do. Its interesting, though, that he picked pence to handle this. Especially since in 2014 donald trump tweeted obama just appointed an ebola czar with zero experience, a total joke. He really does have a, its a, theres a tweet for everything. Its almost like donald trump from the past is trying to stop donald trump in the future. And its just not working. This is a funny joke, too. Back in may of 2018 of of of money, the Trump Administration disbanded the pandemic team, although who could have seen Something Like that come in handy. The coronavirus may result in a shortage of his favorite drink, apparently, the artificial sweetener used in diet coke comes from china. Its manufactured there, and he drinks 14 diet cokes a day. In the morning he blends it with Fried Chicken skins and calls it a smoothie. So the president , you know, is a germaphobe. He doesnt like to have sick people around. So the white house and cdc are reinforcing the importance of washing your hands with instructional video. The white house presents, how to wash your hands. Step one. Turn on water. Step two, apply soap to hands. Step three, rub hands together until perfectly clean. Step four. Dryff. Nooureafe to do t love, virus. So good. Mm. A jimmy the president and first lady honored black history month, they really went for it. Special outfits and everything. The fresh prince of bad hair and i love the idea of donald trump with black history. This is a hman who thinks rosa parks is short for omarosa parks. Do the right thing has a higher Approval Rating than donald trump. The plan is to open community centers. Team trump is calling them black voices for Trump Community centers. Black americans are calling them a trap. They say the goal is to engage ans made under president trumps administration. Thats great. Whats next, the pence lgbt club in theyre opening these in florida, north carolina, atlanta, cleveland. This isnt an outreach program. This is the sequel to get out, okay . They released photos of onen o the centers. This sign caught my eye. This is not a joke. They want to you text woke to 88022, just to find out how dumb you are. Like when the nigerian prince emails you, asking for 600. But in this case, its our president. They are so opposite of woke theyre selling hats with the word woke on them. And who better to model those hats than the sleepiest guy in caonif t doesnt get the bhahe in to do. Kanye will have to come down your chimney, i guess. Michael bloomberg took a shot at the president during a cnn town hall. Say what you want about mike bloomberg, this is a gentleman who knows thousand delivhow to laugh. I spell team team. Theres no i in team. Jimmy i bet they were rollin in the cubicles when you popped that one out, cpac is under way in washington. If youre not familiar with what goes on at cpac, this clhip should tell you all you need to know. We hav hav hav hav hav hav hv tell you why socialized medicine killed princess diana. Youll hear it here first. Jimmy they covered the whole building with tinfoil. Meanwhile, there is a fugitive on thes into australia. A male baboon scheduled to have a vasectomy. Jimmy thats called unfinished business. It makes me miss charlie sheen. An Invasive Species of of of off herpescarrying monkeys are on the loose. Can you guess which state . Of course its florida. Its basically planet of the apes meets the bachelor. They ha they were brought to florida in the 30s to give visitors the er gthe part ence. Where they put the condom over the banana they eat t eat t tensions are very high now with this virus at airports around the world. But if youre flying Air New Zealand you can relax. Starting in october Air New Zealand will be offering bunk beds in coach. These are for those tombs whime youre on a flight, and you say, you know i wish this felt more like an orphanage in space. Those are overhead compartments. Thats where they want to you sleep. If this catches on, your air travel will go from this to this. So not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is testing what they ca they call underwing hammocks. In the state of virginia, lawmakers there are in the process of getting an unusual law, a law against fornication off their books. Its currently illegal for unmarried people to have sex in the state of virginia. If they catch you, can you have a 250 fine. For real. Its like the important version of footloose. So state lawmakers have decided they want to repeal the law. But theyre waiting on the governor to sign it any minute now. I want to know more about t we tracked someone down, and with us now is the man leading the charge to abolish the law, charles potter. Hello, charles, and thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] hi, there, jimmy. Happy sex to you. Jimmy happy sex to you, too. We were just talking about whats going on there illegally. Tell us what you are doing and how its been going. Well, it eas been a long, l battle but were closer than ever to putting this silly, arcane law to bed, and the i ct to have sex. From what ive been told i hear its just great. Jimmy wait a minute, youve never had sex . Of course, im not married. Jimmy so youre a virgin. I guess so, and all because of this dang law. Pardon my language. Jimmy you let this law stop you from having sex your entire life . What else was i supposed to do . Go out and get busy with a nonwife lady . Jimmy yes, thats what youre supposed to do. Thats what a criminal would do and criminals go to jail. Jimmy yes. Where you could lose your virginity. The bad way. Jimmy yeah, i know, i know. You dont go to jail, isnt it only a 250 fine if you are caught in. Oh, listen to mr. Money bags here. Just Walking Around with 250 worth of boners in his pocket. I was also mispronounced that. Of more than 250 worth of boners in your pocket. Jimmy yeah, i heard the boner thing for sure. If i spent all my money on fines, how am i supposed to pay for my sex equipment . Jimmy what do you mean by sex equipment . I dont know. I havent done it before. Dont you need some kind of equipment . Jimmy no, not really, no. Nothing. Its free . Jimmy yeah, most of the time, yeah. Any, charles, i just want to say, im excited for you. This is going to be so muchmuchh keep up theed g good fight and wish you a lot of luck. Thank you, but i dont need luck i need experience. Thats why i put an ad on the worldwide web asking for sex lessons, and let me tell you, a lot of people responded. Jimmy what website did you do that on . Its called gregs list. Jimmy craigslist. Thats it. Jimmy that may not be a good idea. [ doorbell ] oh, hi, andy, your horse . Of course i did. Jimmy pace yourself, okay . O beh, beat it, prude. Jimmy gar muillermo, is tha you . No, no names allowed here, jimmy. Okay, im ready, but im going to warn you guys, no crazy stuff. Jimmy we wish you a lot of luck. One more thing that was charles. Hes about to lose his virginity. [cheers and applause] it is thursday night, and that means it is time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. It is of this week in unnecessary censorship. Good evening and thank you so much for joining us as the seven candidates for the democratic president ial nomination are [ bleep ] on this stage. If you are watching right now and a you are a billionaire, i will [ bleep ] your [ bleep ]. Im going to announce right now that im going to be [ bleep ]ing our Vice President mike pence. I didnt feel in danger because of the precautions they take. I [ bleep ]ed one of the patients there. Youre negotiating with your child to take a [ bleep ]. I was kind of bargaining, i consider it. I never knew about it, i [ bleep ]ed your husband. Yeah. And how he told me about it. Im here with my best friend emily newton. We [ bleep ]ed five years ago. Go heels. Huh . Who, wait ow hes faster than a [ bleep ]ing jackrabbit. Jimmy we have a good show, music and well be right back with Mark Wahlberg. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by las vegas. Someone really likes greens. You ordered fresh organic produce . I am groot. Cool. Is there any way you could come down here . paul do you get confused by i dont blame you,laims . The most reliable, the most awarded. The best, the fastest, the best and the fastest. Enough. Sprint is doing things differently. Theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. So you can try out the network and see the savings for yourself. And now, get the new Samsung Galaxy s20 5g for just 0 a month. Its 5g ready for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Hey lady, hows your date going . Well luis guzman, he didnt order by saying, im going to do the caesar, so thats pretty good. The snickers hole, its working roll introducing jimmy dean a nebiscuit roll ups. St. We took delicious sausage, eggs, and cheese and rolled it all up, in a soft flakey biscuit. Give your family a good hearty breakfast that you can eat on the go. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. Rigshop 100s of. S. Epic deals no coupons needed . Plus get kohls cash tops for the family are 9. 99 and under. Athletic shoes 49. 99 and under. And this power air fryer is just 99. 99 plus buy online, Free Store Pickup right now. At kohls and kohls dot com. Aturkey, my favorite. Turkeys my favorite, bro. No, its not, tuna is. I changed my favorite, derek. Hey, knock it off. Sorry. Get a free footlong yup, free. When you buy one on the subway app. Order now. Jimmy hi there, storm reid is here with then, the song is called, scumbag. Goody grace featuring blink182 from the mercedesbenz stage. Next week, we have new shows, with senator elizabeth warren, senator ben affleck, congresswoman elle fanning, freddie highmore, justina machado, dave burd and eric andre, with music from tame impala, victoria monet, and phantogram. So please join us for all that. Our first guest tonight is a major Motion Picture star, twotime oscar nominee, and i think he invented underpants. For men. Starting next friday on netflix, he goes back to boston in spenser confidential. Please welcome Mark Wahlberg. [cheers and applause] jimmy hows it goin . Good, how are you . Jimmy im doing well. Youre getting more handsome, i think. I dont know whats happening with you. I think your eyesights getting bad. Jimmy i saw you on tv last weekend. And i immediately, as soon as i saw you on tv, i thought, i must ask you about this. Lets roll that quick clip right there. There you are sitting right next to lebron. Uhhuh. Jimmy almost, they dont have a bench anymore, but almost on the lakers bench, and i know youre a celtics fan, and you were there the whole game with lebron. Yes. Jimmy do you talk to him during the game . I said hello. I didnt want to interrupt him at his place of business. I said hello. I talked to rondo a little bit. So many people who play on the lakers are also friends of mine. Jimmy okay. So im there trying to be as neutral as possible. I say hi to them, the celtics players that i know. Im secretly rooting for the celtics. I dont mind. Its good to see the rivalry back. Then they put eddie murphy on the jumbotron, people cheer. They put denzel on the jumbotron and people cheer. And they put me, and i hadnt been booed like that ever. Like a rousing boo. I only had a jesus piece on. I was trying to show it was jesus. But it was amazing to see the rivalry again. It was absolutely crazy. Jimmy its fun. That may be my favorite rivalry in all of sports. And those seats are amazing. Ari emmanuels had those seats a long time. Ive been to games like matt and i were sharing seats at the championship game. Jimmy matt who . I hope youre not talking about matt damon. No, matt mccarthy. Jimmy okay, good, yeah. He told the story, he says phil jackson turned around and yelled at both of us. He didnt yell at both of us, he yelled at matt. He told matt to sit down and shut the [ bleep ] up. I was sitting there minding my own business. Jimmy i always liked phil jackson, now im realizing why. Youve not been scolded by any of the coaches . I havent, no. Jimmy have you talked to other players, like had real conversations during a game . Literally, the championship, all of a sudden i was sitting there, i had a pair of shoes untied and shaq had filled up my entire boot with baby powder. This is like game six or game seven of the world championship. You [ bleep ]ed with me and my boots. Th, t when i c go ont get to do t,reie jimmy i want to ask about that, too. How old is your son . My son who went with me is 11. I have a 13 year old as well. Jimmy you are from boston, celtics, patriots, et cetera. Do your team . It was a bit of a prerequisite, also, my son, my youngest boy, he played intermural for the knicks, so hes still kind of a knicks fan. Hes hoping the knicks will turn it around at some point. Jimmy he had the jersey . I did the same thing when i played for the as in Little League in boston. Jimmy if your son decided hey, you know what, i live in l. A. , im a lakers fan, would you be okay with it . I wouldnt be thrilled, but i wouldnt have a problem with it. Ive come to realize that theyre all pral athletes. Heir livelihood. I dont get mad now. If tom goes somewhere else, ill support him. Hes given us so much joy in six super bowls, i can root for him. Jimmy would you ever buy your son a lakers jersey . Yeah. Jimmy you wont have to, because i bought him one. Oh, wow jimmy its a magic, a good way to start. Thats for him. So when i get home, im going to present this, and were either going to put this in the doggie, oh, thats magic. Jimmy yeah, thats like your green jesus. You cant mess with that. Whatever youre smelling there, he didnt wear it. Hes my neighbor and a fantastic man. Jimmy oh, yeah. We got to get this kid to the lakers. Magic won my kids over. We had a Lemonade Stand in the neighborhood. Im passed out in the chair. I have my little reclining chair out there. Magic bought a lemonade from my kids for 100. Hes already a magic fan. Sweetheart of a guy. Jimmy wow. You mentioned tom brady. Tom is a friend of yours . Yes. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy you dont know what hes doing. Dont try to jimmy do you think he knows what hes doing . I think he has an idea of what he wants to do, and i want him to do what haves best for him and his family. Hes brought us so much joy. Ive taken my kids to games. Jimmy do you think he stays . I think would be nice, but if he wants to go elsewhere, i root him on. Jimmy lets say he leaves the patriots. Im not talking about im talking about you. Would you want him to come to l. A. And play for the rams or go elsewhere . I think hopefully the patriots will be smart enough to pay him. If not, the raiders are obviously a option. He wants to go somewhere where he can win. Jimmy he told you that . Jared goff, i think, is secure in his job. Jimmy oh, yeah, right. Chargers, right. But i think maybe the chargers, yeah. Philip rivers is no longer there. Jimmy would you invite him to stay in your home and hang out there for the season . Tom . Jimmy yeah. If he wanted to, but i dont think hes hurtin for rent money. Jimmy who do you think tom likes better, you or matt damon. Me. I actually put him in a movie. We immortalized him in ted ii. We made it seem like he has a golden penis. Jimmy your oldest girl, how old is she now. Shes 16. Jimmy is she driving yet. She is not. She had a bad experience in hawaii. Shes driving on a golf course, both sides are lava. I told her to slow down and she didnt. Shes like got music playing and everything. And she starts to go up on the lava and bails out of the cart. Jimmy it was not hot lava was it . No, it was dry, sharp, dangerous lava. So she hasnt asked to drive anymore, which im grateful for. Jimmy shes scared off from driving . Yes. Before that, it was like, let me take your car, drive around the neighborhood. I was trying to give her all the safety tips and she wouldnt listen to me. So im glad now showes changed. Not like me, my dad drove a 18 wheeler, put me on his lap, let me get the wheel and taught me how to clutch. Jimmy when you were 13 you were learning to drive a truck . I was 11, but i dont want to make it seem like he was doing too much inappropriate. Jimmy what was the first car hundred . That you owned . First car that i owned that was legal . Jimmy no, yours. I bought a71 bug and left it down the street from the house. The first legal car i owned was a pontiac le mans. A 79 le mans. Bought it from a guy for 200. Literally, by the end of the year i had traded up and sold the car. I went through 18 different cars on the first year of my insurance policy. Is there an insurance dealer here . And i was driving a 85 bmw by the end of it. Jimmy you kept selling them . Buy another car, sell that, yeah. Jimmy really . This is crazy. I always had the car bug. I love cars. Jimmy boy, if magic lived in your neighborhood, you probably could have made a million bucks. You know what . Theres still time. Jimmy were going to take a break. When we come back, were going to see a clip from the new movie, spenser confidential. Mark wahlberg is here. Well be right back. They just dont know it yet. ding these are a few of my favorite things. Wendys uses freshcracked eggs on all our breakfast sandwiches. Not whatever. This stuff is. ding thats right. See you in the morning you up for this . So i was at marshalls and i see this jput itpopp thr and looked at the brand and when i saw the price tag i was like, oh yeah, this is this is a keeper brands that wow. Prices that thrill. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting mom vo we got a subaru to give him some ato reconnect and be to