And that would be if the wifi goes out. God forbid. Could you imagine . I dont know what id even do. Id probably just go to a rave and surrender to the virus. If someone asked me to choose between wifi and Running Water right now, i would drink my pool. My daughters and i played animal crossing all day yesterday on nintendo switch. Have you seen this game . All right. Theres nobody here. Anyway, shout out to tom nook and timmy at the shop. But my point was the internet is still chugging along. Its providing us with hundreds if not thousands of entertaining videos to make the days shorter. So many of you have been coming up with and sharing fun and unusual ways funusual ways to pass the time. And tonights is a good one too. This is our quarantime killer of the night. Quarantine party jimmy its like a Party Version of silence of the lambs. I like that. Well done. You know, for a lot of people like myself today began our third week of quarantine. And this is when your survival skills start to kick in. This is when we get resourceful. One of the guys who works on our show, an industrious young man named max, ran out of toilet paper. And obviously you cant just go out and buy it right now. So max went to amazon and searched novelty toilet paper and this is what he found. He found a roll that says holy other emoji youre 50. Max is 29. But his ass is 50. And its not like anyones coming over. So good for him. At the white house today jim acosta of cnn snapped this photograph of a white house staffer bringing in rolls of paper towels. I hope those were a gift from puerto rico. I really do. The president had his Daily Press Briefing yesterday in the white house rose garden, which gave him a chance to use his outside voice outside for a change. And you can see hes really putting out some positive energy. Why dont you people act let me ask you why dont you act in a little more positive . Its always trying to my question to you get you, get you. And you know what . Thats why nobody trusts the media anymore. My question is hows that going to impact excuse me, you didnt hear me. Thats why you used to work for the times and now you work for someone else. Read the statement. Read what i said. Who are you with, bloomberg, right . I cant imagine that. Excuse me, are you ready . Ready . Take a look at what i said. I want them to be appreciative of me. Okay . And then you cut it off because its fake news. You and your administration. Absolutely. Your statement and your response and your answer is a lie. Mr. President , my second question go ahead. Thats enough. Please. Please. My second question thats enough. Look, let me tell you something. Be nice. Jimmy hes nice. Why cant everyone else be nice . He just wants us all to be nice. Is that too much to ask . The president also took time during this deadly National Emergency to brag about the ratings for his press conferences. The american public, ultimately they should be the decider. Its like if they dont want to watch they shouldnt watch. And we shouldnt have bigger ratings than the bachelor or as the New York Times said we have monday night football type ratings. Now, i didnt say that. I have no idea what they are in a sense, but i know that the times, they say its all the news thats fit to print. I say its all the news thats not fit to print because i think they are not honest people. But thats okay. But they cant help it. But even they said that the ratings are like monday night football ratings. And that these are like bachelor finale. Thats their end. When the big deal happened. I have no idea what happened because im too busy working on this. Someday youll tell me what happened. No, i think its terrible. Jimmy you think whats terrible . I thought you were happy. You were happy about the ratings. What is terrible . You know, i hear words coming out of your mouth but i dont know what they mean. I will say this. Its strange how the New York Times lies about everything except his tv ratings. And by the way, just because people are watching you doesnt mean its good. Have you heard of the masked singer . Right now half of this country is watching a show about a bunch of toothless meth heads abusing tigers. But the president is very proud of himself and couldnt resist blowing his big orange horn on twitter too. He wrote because the ratings of my news conferences et cetera are so high bachelor finale, monday night football type numbers according to the New York Times, the lamestream media is going crazy. Trump is reaching too many people. We must stop him, said one lunatic. See you at 5 00 p. M. Yeah, lets meet up for unhappy hour. The positive news is the president for once appears to have listened to someone. Despite originally saying everybody would be back to work by easter he announced he will extend social distancing guidelines through april 30th. So purell has frozen over. Im honestly surprised he didnt just say hes moving easter. I spoke to jesus, he said sir, if you need to move easter i will wait to rise again. You know, many if not every state is running desperately low on medical supplies, especially ventilators and masks. So trump, because he cant ever be at fault for anything, has suggested that someone at the hospitals must be stealing them. He said somethings going on. Where are the masks going . Are they going out the back door . Yeah, like someone pinched a crate of silverware from one of his casinos in atlantic. What is what on earth is he implying that after work these nurses get off their 12hour shift and steal masks so they can go sand a deck in their back yard . You know how when you overhear something at another table at a restaurant thats so crazy you want to Say Something but your wife tells you not to and then you think about it all night . Our president is the guy sitting at that table. He had another doozy of a press conference today. He invited a group of Major Business leaders to join him to discuss their efforts to help with emergency relief including the ceos of honeywell, procter gamble, jockey, United Technologies and the guy from my pillow. Our president gave us so much hope when just a few short months ago we had the best economy, the lowest unemployment and wages going up. It was amazing. With our great president , Vice President , and this administration and all the great people in this country praying daily we will get through this and get back to a place thats stronger and safer than ever. Thank you. Thank you, mike. Appreciate it. Please come on up. I did not know he was going to do it. But hes a friend of mine. I do appreciate it. Jimmy well, you know what . You invite the guy from my pillow, you made your own bed. Literally. Meanwhile, and i hope trump doesnt find out about this, because he will be very jealous. A bakery in rochester, new york called donuts delight is selling donuts featuring the face of dr. Anthony fauci. There he is. His face is printed on top of a thick layer of butter cream. Making donuts to bring attention to a Health Crisis might be the most american thing any american has ever done. So congratulations to them. I also want to wish a happy doctors day to dr. Anthony fauci and all the medical professionals out there and not just for what theyre doing right now. But for all year we show them our weird bodies and they dont laugh at us and we really do appreciate that too. You know, a very good way to thank doctors right now is to follow their orders when they tell you to stay home. Many people are not. In the midst of all this there are people throwing coronavirus parties. For real. A guy in maryland threw two coronavirus parties last week. And look, i dont want anybody to get coronavirus. Except for that guy in maryland. If possible id like him to get two of them. Police in some cities in the south were also having trouble with churches where pastors are refusing to close because they believe god will protect them from the virus. One Pentecostal Church in louisiana had more than 1,000 people show up this weekend. And they were hugging and touching and laying hands on each other. Which is not good. It is bad for everyone. You know, its important to remember that you dont have to go to church. You dont even have to leave your home to celebrate the word of the lord because rest assured, tv televangelist Kenneth Copeland is busy on the case. In the name of jesus oh, thank you, jesus. Standing in the office of the prophet of god, i execute judgment on you, covid19 i execute judgment on you, satan you destroyer you killer you get out you get off this nation i demand judgment on you i demand i demand i demand a vaccination to come immediately yes jimmy did anyone else get the sense the guy in the glasses isnt really buying it . Lets look at him again. I demand a vaccination to come immediately yes jimmy yes maybe we can get some eggs too, lord . Lordy . Of all the dopey things that have been posted online over the past couple of weeks, this might be the dopiest. The instagrammy for most tonedeaf response to the coronavirus goes to billionaire david geffen who over the weekend posted this photo of his super yacht to instagram with the caption sunset last night. Isolated in the grenadines. Avoiding the virus. Im hoping everyone is staying safe. Obviously, that didnt go over great. People went nuts on geffen. So much so he had to delete his instagram account, which is probably for the best. Listen, no one wants best wishes from a super yacht right now. If i was president , thats the first ship id make them turn into a hospital. Id pull that right in the harbor and load it up with cots. Like everyone this weekend, my wife and i watched the tiger king on netflix. Unfortunately, we had to wait to watch until we put the kids to sleep. So i thought it might be helpful to combine netflix with disney plus to create a new version of the tiger king not just for adults but for the whole family. I had my days of coke. I had my days of drinking. I had my days of meth. Youre leading me down a road where people are just going to say you have to join a [ bleep ] cult to be a tiger trainer. Promise you. Been here 35 years. Heard it all forever. It was joes Campaign Manager for about a year and a half. It was the worst experience of my life. It was horrible. Horrible, horrible. Cool cats and kittens. Big cat rescue. Oh, my god. Im never going to financially recover from this. Travis was not gay. Okay . Travis was banging every girl in the park. Mama sure loves you mama made this for you jimmy hakuna matata. Oh, you know what . Weve got joining us from his home our pal guillermo. How are you doing, guillermo . Guillermo im doing great, jimmy. Jimmy guillermo, why are you not wearing your security uniform . You should be in full uniform protecting me virtually at all times. Guillermo oh, im sorry. I forget to go get it dry cleaned. Jimmy do you drop that stuff off yourself . You do your own dry cleaning . Guillermo yeah, i drop it in the dry cleaning. I do it myself. Jimmy all right. Very good. Everythings good at home . Guillermo everything is fine. Yes. Trying to stay safe. Jimmy what . Guillermo everything is fine. Trying to stay safe. Jimmy okay. I thought you said yester stay safe. Guillermo no. I said im fine. Im trying to stay safe. Jimmy i think you know what . When were apart for a while, guillermo forgets how to speak english. But youll work on that, right . Guillermo i will. Ill try my best. Jimmy all right. Well, very good. We have a fun show tonight. Tonight we are going to take guillermo and i are going to look back at an old visit from tom brady, the new tampa bay buccaneer. We have new music from jeff tweedy of wilco and his sons from their bathroom. And well be right back to check in with tracy morgan at home. So stick with us. All right . Im in my house. Guillermo everything is fine. Yester stay safe. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by medicare from blue cross and blue shield companies. This is also hals heart. And his relief, knowing hes covered by Blue Cross Blue Shield. This is hals heart. And its beating better than ever. This is what medicare from Blue Cross Blue Shield does for hal. And with easy access to quality healthcare, imagine what we can do for you. This is the benefit of blue. Lets watch a cooking show. Cookie show . Cooking shows. Cookie shows . Play the Great British baking show. [cookie monster] cookie shows introducing at t tv. Watch with easy selfsetup. Shipped directly to you. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Hey allergy muddlers. Achoo do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. Zyrtec starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec. Muddle no more. And try zyrtecd for proven relief of your allergies, sinus pressure, and congestion. Uhoh, dead battery at your rustic rental. What if a little birdie told you its switching time . Thanks friend. Switched up to twelve hours of battery life. Switch to chromebook. Pepsi zero sugar all in the cola flavor. None of the sugar. Whaso lets do the rightver chanthing, today. Ow. Lets stay at home. Lets wash up. Lets always keep our distance please, six feet apart at least. Lets look after ourselves, as well as others. It will all be worth it. We can all do our part. So those on the front line can do their part. And when this is over, we will all, continue, to thrive. Jimmy kimmel live from his house jimmy we are back at my house. We have music. The music of wilco with jeff tweedy and his sons from the bathroom on the way. Plus we will look back at an interview with former new England Patriots quarterback tom brady. But first it is time to check in with a very special guest. Every night ive been doing this show from home ive been checking in with some of our famous friends in their homes. And tonight we are joined by one of the funniest people of all. I can only imagine what it must be like to be locked up with him right now. His wife is a very lucky lady, suffice it to say. All the way from new jersey lets say hello to tracy morgan. Hello, tracy. Whats up jimmy thank you for joining us. How are you . Im chilling, yo yo, you said my life is a lovely lady . Can i do profanity . Jimmy yes, go right ahead. Of course. We need some profanity right now. You know what she said to me earlier . Jimmy what . Weve been stuck in this house for two weeks. She said, im going to kill you, mother [ bleep ]. Jimmy what did you do to elicit that reaction, tracy . Was it anything in particular . Im just here. Shes tired of looking at my [ bleep ] tas. Jimmy this is your house. Dont you have to to jimmy i see a trex flashing in the back. It looks like a dave busters. This is your Bowling Alley . Its an arcade game i bought for my daughter. Yo, man, this is the longest ive ever been stuck in my house without wearing an ankle monitor. Jimmy tracy, would you agree with me when i say that the difference between being rich and being very rich is a Bowling Alley in your house . That to me is thats the line. How many lanes do you have . Theres only two lanes in here. Jimmy two lanes. Thats enough. And it looks like your bowling balls look like billiard balls. What pound ball do you throw typically . Let me see this one. Jimmy take a look. This is my personal ball. I had my ball personally made for me. Jimmy nice. How many pounds is it . See . It says tm right there. Tm. Jimmy thats not trademark. Thats pretty much every logo says tm on it. Yeah. And are you good . Whats your average . Do you know . I aint good, man this is all for looks, brother. Jimmy how often do you actually bowl . Black people dont be bowling. Ive from the projects, man. I said when i grow up im going to get me a house with a Bowling Alley in it. Voila jimmy how many people are in your house right now living with you . Your wife of course, whos ready to kill you. Your daughter. My wife and my daughter. My wife and my daughter. Then i got sharks. I got a moray eel. Jimmy what does a moray eel eat . What does a moray eat . Jimmy yeah. Other morays. Jimmy really . Yeah. Theyre cannibals, man. Yo, this is crazy times were living in, man. I never saw so many white people in the unemployment office, man. Jimmy are you worried about the economy right now, about what will happen to the American Economy . Hell, no black people aint never had no [ bleep ] money. Jimmy have you been doing the thing, tracy, where people white people going crazy. You know why white people going crazy during these times . Because they closed down the starbucks, man. Jimmy you think thats whats got everyone on edge . Starbucks. They cant get their lattes, man. Jimmy have you been doing that thing when you go out in the driveway and you hang out with your neighbors and youre six feet away from them or like a social distancing Neighborhood Party . Let m tell you something, man. I cant do the social dimension stuff. I went to hug my mother and she gave me her elbow. Jimmy oh, really . Its not right. Then she proceeded to ask me for money. Jimmy oh, my goodness. Have any of your family members she said that shes social distancing from me, so she want me to venmo it to her. Jimmy have any of your family members suggested that they might move into your big house with you . Yeah. My cousin called me to tell me he lost his job. I said you aint never had a job, damn it makes you want to call up your exes on the phone and say you need some toilet paper . Can i come over to help you out with supplies . Or you can rekindle stuff with your exes. Jimmy yes. You can rekindle as long as you dont touch anybody. Are you getting im hurt because they closed down baseball. They closed down nba. They also closed down strip clubs. Jimmy which are you most upset about . Baseball, nba or strip clubs . Strip clubs, man is that a trick question, jim . I never thought id see the time in my life where i got to go through a drivethru strip club. Jimmy is that what youve been resorting to . A drivethru strip club, huh . I dont really go to strip clubs. I told you i was hard on them strippers. I used to go to the strip club with the sweat pants that rocky wore. With no drawers on. Somebody getting pregnant in the boomboom room. Jimmy i noticed, i dont know if you noticed that nba players, all of them seem to have been tested for the coronavirus whereas its very diff