Into your phone, revealed the more than 200 new ones theyll be rolling out. That is face with spiral eyes, heart on fire, and face exhaling. Well, if those three emojis together dont sum up 2020, i dont know what does. They also have some new facial hair stuff. This is person with a beard and this is woman with a beard. I dont know. Looks like emo jesus to me, or jared leto. Even our emojis are letting themselves go during quarantine. And once again, despite my intense lobbying efforts, i had meetings with these people, i filled out the forms, i presented my case, still no meatball emoji theyve got sausage, theyve got dumplings, theyve got oysters, chicken, tacos and soup. No meatballs. Theyve got falafel and bundt cake. I cant get a meatball. We need a new president. We have a fun show tonight from beginning to end. Jack black and kyle gass, otherwise known as tenacious d, is with us, and we will be joined by the cast of the show that dominated the emmys. Dan levy, eugene levy, Catherine Ohara and annie murphy, aka the rose family, are with us from their homes up north. They won all the emmys sunday night. Canadians havent swept us like this since the world curling championships back in 2017. Their show is called Schitts Creek, which is a title that is a problem for american broadcast television. The show up a creek whose name we cant say on morning tv. Cant say the name on tv, but it involveshe ne cre can s e namef e show. She tonight want to get in that is spelled schitt. The show that sounds like splits creek. Were talking about screek, screek is so good. Never seen blank creek . Can i say the name of the show . Yeah. Hits creek. Jimmy thats the kind of courage we need right now. Today, i hope you know, is National Voter registration day. This is the day to make sure you are registered, and if not, to get registered. Guillermo, are you registered to vote . Guillermo yes, jimmy. Jimmy will you be voting by mail or in person . Guillermo no, in person. Jimmy some people dont bother to register. What are you going do do, we have to work that day . Guillermo maybe go early. Jimmy some people dont bother to register. Those are usually the same people who find time to vote on what the new pringles flavor should be. But its very important to register, because if you dont register, you cant vote and if you dont vote, you wont get a sticker. And also, theres a psychotic individual in the white house who could use some removing. Its hard to believe that we are only 42 days away from donald trump refusing to accept the results of the election. The other vote that could happen very soon is in the senate. The big question in washington is, who will fill the vacancy left by Justice Ruth Bader ginsburg . This morning, the president wrote, i will be announcing my Supreme Court nominee on saturday, at the white house exact time tba. Theres nothing trump loves more than announcing hes going to make an announcement. Hes a real tbahole. But it looks like trump is gonna get his way on this because today we learned that hes got the support of his least favorite senator, mitt romney of utah. Romney says he will vote on whomever trump nominates. So now were up mitts creek too. As everyone knows, republicans blocked obama from appointing a new justice almost a full year before the 2016 election because they said it was for the next president to decide. Now they say, we cant wait for the next president , we need to get this done now i wonder if the reason why they are doing this, why they are revealing themselves to be utter hypocrites, has occurred to donald trump . If republicans thought trump was gonna win, they would just wait. But theyre not waiting, they want to do it now, because they think hes gonna lose. I wonder if this has dawned on him yet . Mr. President we need to make this happen before youre back at maralago screaming at the housekeepers. Trump is moving very quickly on this, but when it came to doing something about a virus that he knew was deadly, a virus that has now killed more than 200 thousand of the americans he swore an oath to protect, then, he moved slower than eric doing the People Magazine crossword puzzle. But donald trump isnt the type to worry about a silly virus. Hes got his show on the road, he had a gig in swanton, ohio last night, where told the crowd covid affects virtually nobody. Its an amazing thing. Which is insane. And on top of that, something fishy is going on at the centers for disease control. On friday, the cdc posted new guidelines for how covid is spread. Jimmy they wrote, it is possible that covid19 may spread through the droplets and airborne particles that are formed when a person who has covid19 coughs, sneezes, sings, talks or breathes. They forgot yodels. The site also warned that droplets can remain suspended in air, and travel more than six feet. Which was a big deal because, even though we knew this, it was the first time a government website admitted it, but that was on friday. Yesterday, that paragraph about droplets was removed and replaced with this a draft version of proposed changes to these recommendations was posted in error to the agencys official website. In other words, oops we accidentally posted the truth. Sorry. This is suspicious because its not the first time Something Like this has happened. Last month, the cdc also changed their guidance from, if you think youve been in contact with someone infected, you should get tested to you should not get tested. And then when there was a big outcry, they changed it back. Which is odd, very odd. So today, a scientist from the cdc released new official guidance to, hopefully, clear things up. Hi. Im donald rape. Chief of viral epidemiology at the cdc is. And i want to assure you, we are working around the clock to keep your family safe and to get you the information you need. First, know that this virus is highly contagious. And it is deadly. Correction. It is somewhat contagious and very dangerous. Kind of dangerous and actually not really a big deal at all. Next, the virus primary means of twrans missiransmission is t coughing or sneezing and can also be transmitted through aerosols which are fine particles which hang in the air and are not anything you need to worry about, because the virus is not actually airborne after all. So good news there. In terms of prevention, social distancing is still critical. Because studies show that most most scientists are nerds who dont want anyone to have any fun. Also, masks i, i dont even know what this is. Hambi hambirder, extra pickle. I guess thats it. Together we can beat this thing. Stay safish, play it by ear and never mind, because its cured. And i just quit. [ bleep ] this. Jimmy well, at least theyre stopping the spread of information. The cdc is also, for now, strongly discouraging families from trick or treating this year. Which is a bummer for kids, but i will say, im fine with skipping halloween. Its hard to get excited about putting on a costume when, for the past six months ive been going to the supermarket dressed like a beekeeper. This is our second day back to work here at our studio. And we have an array of new Safety Measures in place. Some of them are annoying, like you cant have water at your desk, thats a real one. We have the building divided into zones. Zone a, b, and c. We have plastic shields everywhere. Its crazy. So we decided to have some fun with our staff on the first day back. Yesterday, we set up hidden cameras at the entrance to our building, we hired an actor to pose as our new health and safety officer, and we tested the patience of our unsuspecting coworkers. Whats your name and your call sign. Alec. Alec, what do you do here . Im the stage manager. Oh, wow, what does that entail . Managing the stage. Oh, okay. Have you had diarrhea in the last six months . Thats random question. Its possible, but i dont recollect it. These questions seem random, but theyre not. Bliemy. Did you get their . I did, and i filled it all out, and im good. So have you . I mean, theres more solid ones than lesssolid ones. If you want toweth qutie specif. Can you lift up your shirt real quick . The tummy temperature. And what is your name and call time . Guillermo rodriguez. Can you list your duties on the show, please . Im with jimmy. I talk to everybody. I talk to everybody. Can you be more specific . What do you do here . Imam the teleprompter guy. Sounds like a fun job. Dits stressful but fun. Any tips to help me break in . Dont. If theres anything you can do that makes you happy, do it. Thanks, welcome back, get a haircut, you hippy. Can you describe your sneeze . Normal sneeze. How about large projectile . No. Do me a favor. Can you take three steps back . Sure. Okay. Show me your sneeze. Mask on or off. Just pretend sneeze. Chooo. No problem. . Come on back. How many times have you had diarrhea in the past six months . I havent had it in over a year. Okay. Will you take three steps back . Okay. And just show me what it was like the last time you had diarrhea. What it was like . Yeah. Only group a can use the bathroom until 2 00 p. M. So i have to wait until 2 00 p. M. To go to the bathroom . Mmhm. Youre in zone a, right . Yes. 2 00 p. M. Thats six hours, right . Do you need an empty gatorade bottle or Something Like that . No. Im surelets ather questio nghese t is sim toh actrin take it off, your head of department will have a key and so forth. Will you be wearing shorts every day . Yes. Whats reason for that . I like to wear shorts. Are your legs especially hot . No. Thats all i wear is shorts. Just trying to understand why a grown man is wearing shorts to work. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream all the digits. Still singing. Merrily, merrily, merrily, ae slower. A row, row take some hand sanitizer. I want to make sure youre sanitizing it robustly. A little bit more. See, this is why i need to watch. Okay. Actually, thats a little too fast. Thats a lot of hand sanitizer. So obviously, jimmy kimmel is the host. Right. If you can say a number of statements and say i will. If jimmy kimmel walks within ten feet of me, i will walk in the other direction. If i can you put your hand up . Its under oath. Ly not touch anything that jimmy may have touched, including sinks, nozzles and handles. Hey you need to turn around and walk away. How many doorknobs have you touched today . We need an exact number. Just the doorknob to my bedroom and my front door. Can you demonstrate how you open the door . Just go ahead and walk me through. I dont know, just like that. Okay. Open the door. And walk through. Got it. Okay. Okay. Just one more. I got to go just one more, just an eye test real quick. Can you read line four . Lpde. The next and then the last line. Jimmys totally [ bleep ] i knew it. Thanks, welcome back. Jimmy there you go. Thats, if you knew it, why were you so mad if you knew . Guillermo no, i didnt know it. Jimmy but you said you knew it . Guillermo i just jimmy were going to have to start giving you a Lie Detector Test e jimmy tonight on the show, tenacious d is here, and well be right back with the emmydominating cast of Schitts Creek, eugene levy, Catherine Ohara, dan levy, and annie murphy. So stick around dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by lexus. Only lexus asks questions like these, because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. Experience the rewards of our curiosity. Mcdonalds chicken mcnuggets better. . If they were breaded in spicy tempura, made with a blend of aged cayenne. And they made me cry a little. New spicy chicken mcnuggets ba da ba ba ba which is another name for sugar. Clif bar is brown rice syrup, new spicy chicken mcnuggets in this kind bar, its hearthealthy almonds. With the taste of dark chocolate and 75 less sugar than the leading clif bar. Be kind to yourself. fisherman vo ce how do i register to vote . Ential election. Hmm . Hmm . Hmm . woman on porch vo can we vote by mail here . grandma vo youll be safe, right . daughter vo yes four girls vo the polls voted grandma vo go out and vote its so important man at poll vo woo grandma vo its the most important thing you can do hey guys want to stack different pringles flavors to create new flavor combos . Here ill. Go first. Pizza, barbeque and jalapeno. The spicy barbecue pizza stack. Get him grandpa whats going on . Were trapped in a pringles commercial, they must have taken us in our sleep. Stack pringles flavors make new ones. I cant wiat to share at ts big 5g news. shouting through the glass at t has nationwide 5g . Yup and thats faster . Faster, yea but is it reliable . Ah huh and secure you should consider making a big deal about it bigger . I said bigger oh, bigbigger deal bigger than what im doing . Its not complicated. A 5g Network Needs a 5g device. Now everyone including existing customers can get a free Samsung Galaxy note20 after tradein. Your shoulder seems to be healing nicely. Im sorry baby. I dont want you to play with that. singing twinkle, twinkle little star. How i wonder what you are. How are you doing . Schedule a video visit with your doctor. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. With your doctor. Your bank can be virtually any place you are. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. You can deposit checks from here. And you can see your transactions bae. And y lls fr because yo justownld and use the chase mobile app. Visit chase. Com mobile. Jimmy welcome back. Its not officially fall until you get your first squirt of Pumpkin Spice purell. Mm, delicious. Tonight on the show, their new graphic novel is called postapocalypto, tenacious d is here. Tomorrow night, riz ahmed and tim mcgraw will be with us, and on thursday Norman Reedus and music from amine. So please join us for that. Not since the great maple syrup wars of the 1800s has our nation been so thoroughly dominated by our neighbors to the north the way we were on sunday night. When our first guests achieved an historic schitts sweep, winning all 7 primetime emmy awards for comedy. From Schitts Creek, please welcome eugene levy, dan levy, annie murphy and Catherine Ohara. Hello woo we won, aye . Jimmy congratulations. Not only am i personally happy for you guys, every comedy nerd was delighted that you guys won all these awards on sunday night. I really felt that backstage at the emmies, for sure. Wow, ill take that as a compliment. Jimmy it is a compliment. It was bizarre. It was surreal. I swear. It was like i said, on the night, i said its like a dream you never want to webecame up from. Jimmy speaking of dreams, the next morning, how late did you stay and who set up that big party you guys had that night . It was a two parter, to be honest, because we had plans to have a much larger party, because in canada, up until, oh, whats that . I was just cleaning the house. I see see s jimmy eugenes working with props now. Were trying to keep people on our side at this point, dad. Were trying not to turn people. You dont have to tell me about it. Okay. Just trying to im always two steps ahead. Absolutely. Yeah, the party, we had a big party planned. In canada, can you have a larger gathering because, you know, canadas been doing good when it came to the covid. And then obviously, in true 2020 fashion, the night before our emmy party, the government had to minimize the party size in half, which meant that we had a lastminute uninvitation ceremony, which had to happen for our lovely crew, which we were so excited to share the night with. Jimmy oh, no. So it was a strange kind of vibe going into the evening. And all because the numbers had spiked to 380 across the entire province. Jimmy who made those phone calls to the people who were invited and then uninvited . Not us. I would say, i was the first one to say not me. Jimmy there was a lot of celebration, not just in that tent you guys had set up, but all across canada. The tower and the toronto sign were lit in gold in your honor. The Prime Minister tweeted about you. And i think maybe best of all your cast mate daughter sister, sarah, this is the video thats been making the rounds today, lets take a look at that. [ screaming ] [ laughter ] jimmy that went on for like a full minute. Is sarah okay . Shes not okay, no. We have not heard from her since. So very unclear on her status at this point. But she was excited when the video was filmed. Jimmy kathryn, you gave a speech that i think mara would have approved of. I convinced myself i wouldnt win. And i thought, anybody who said i was going to win was just setting me up for a cruel, cruel evening and so i convinced myself. And im saying, no, no, no, and then it happened. And we went crazy. Jimmy you all won win after went aft win after win. And we were backstage having a conversation, oh, himy god, i he annie wins, that would be terrible. Its tough enough not to win an emmy, but when everyone else on the show wins, was that making you feel extra pressure . Yes, yes. It was awful. At no point was i like, well, we won this many, now im going to win. It was more like internal monologue of just who am i going to apologize to first when i lose . Annie, annie, tell them what i asked, if youd written anything just in case. Tell them what you had. It was really embarrassing, actually. So, yeah, we were talking and she was like, what are you going to say when you, you know, whats your acceptance speech . Have you written an acceptance speech . I was like, no, no, i havent. Im not going to win. Shes like, what are you going to say if you win . And i said i dont know, probably Something Like this. Ill just go up to the podium and do that for 45 seconds. And then kathryn was i said i hope you win. And each table can do a different sound effect. It will be great. Thank goodness that didnt happen. Thats all i had. Jimmy we can work that into the show if you want to. I think one of the things that i dont know maybe was as cool as winning the emmy, maybe even cooler was wed asked a bunch of celebrities, whats your favorite show, and elton john said Schitts Creek was his favorite and he spoke about your show. Now that had to be great, right . Thats pretty good. Yeah. It was, it was, i mean, my eyes were popping when that came on. Id met him a couple of years the, at fair party and discovered that he and his partner, david, were huge fans of the show, and then i ran around the party looking for daniel. I got a text from my dad saying were with elton john, come find us. And at that party, theres so many people that you couldnt possibly find anyone, and i was thinking, this is such a full circle moment, because i was named after an elton john song. Jimmy which one . Its such a big deal. Which one . When i ran