9 12 this morning the soon to be former president tweeted, stop the count i guess nobody listened because half an hour later he retweeted, stop the count why are they still counting . I tweeted stop. He also wrote, stop the fraud, which should have been a note to self. There was so much false propaganda coming out of twitterlers bunker. Any vote that came in after election day will not be counted. The planes going down and all he can do is keep hitting the call button to get the Flight Attendant to bring him another diet coke. By the way, a lot of ballots that come in from election day are from troops serving overseas. The irony of a draft dodger trying to negate those votes is more delicious than the 12 dunk cups of Honey Mustard he dipped his mcnuggets in today. Trumps lead in georgia and pennsylvania is smaller than these little boodles of baby carrots he calls hands. The race being so close in georgia was a big surprise. But pennsylvania, the reason joe biden is strong in pennsylvania, a state that voted republican last time, is because hes from there and they know him. The same reason trump lost new york. [ laughter ] the soon to be former president is said to be furious at fox news because they called arizona for biden on tuesday night. And that had to hurt when you realize that fox isnt really your friend. [ laughter ] i mean, that cuts deep. When an armed and angry trump mop descended on a ballotcounting center in phoenix last night, they had harsh words for the pinnacle of fairness and balance. Theyre chanting fox news sucks. The reason theyre chanting that is because fox news called arizona for biden yesterday. And a lot of people are angry about that. Jimmy how quickly they turn. Finally were finding some common ground, huh . [ laughter ] this tells you all you need to know. This was the rallying cry among Trump Supporters in arizona last night. Count the vote count the vote jimmy count the votes, count the votes. This is what the trumpers were chanting in detroit. Stop the count stop the count stop the count jimmy stop the count. Which is it . Heres a compromise. How about they count the votes and then they stop counting the votes . [ laughter ] like the old days. The bigly question now is will donald trump concede . Youd think he would concede. Hes the most conceited president weve ever had. [ laughter ] but he really cant. He wont. Because he cant. In fact, tonight, he emerged from wherever hes been hiding to take one more shot at choking democracy to death. Good evening. Id like to provide the American People with an update on our efforts to protect the integrity of our very important 2020 election. If you count the legal votes, i easily win. [ laughter ] jimmy well, thats a different type of concession speech. The only thing i wont bore you, or give him the pleasure of showing what he said tonight. But the only thing he didnt do was pull off his wig and reveal that hes been vlad putin all along. It was a litany of lies, threats. Just a despicable and incoherent attack on democracy and the United States. At the end of that speech, he should have been arrested. If they could have found handcuffs small enough to take him away, they would have. [ laughter ] but it isnt over. Trump has a plan to win the states back. Hes going to sue them. The Trump Campaign filed lawsuits in georgia, michigan, nevada, and pennsylvania. And you know hes serious because he sent his best lawyer, who was duped by borat into almost showing his penis on camera, to pennsylvania, to handle this. Rudy is on duty, and let the lawsuits begin. [ laughter ] i cant think of a more fitting end to this presidency than him suing america. We should be suing him is what should be happening. [ cheers and applause ] all the best people were on it, though. Theres this guy, he was fired from fox news, he was a contributor there. He wrote something horrible, they fired him. His name is harlan hill. And he tweeted, im going to philly tomorrow with a team, this is war. And id like you to take a look at the man whos just declared war. Look out, philadelphia. [ laughter ] this little rascal is coming. Its war. What is he going to do, give everyone at Lens Crafters a peanut allergy . [ laughter ] if the legal challenges dont work, trump will go to an even higher court acti, that of the almighty himself, the president s spiritual adviser, doing a bangup job, tv evangelical named paula white. I hear a sound of abundance of rain. I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of shouting and singing. I hear a sound of victory. I hear of abundance of rain. I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain. I hear a sound of victory. The lord says it is done. The lord says it is done. Jimmy whos that guy pacing behind her . [ laughter ] anyway, well, lets play one more. Here we go. Where angels are being released right now, angels are being dispatched right now. [ speaking in a Foreign Language ] angels have been dispatched from africa right now, africa right now, africa right now, from africa right now, theyre coming here, theyre coming here. Jimmy what . What is going on . [ speaking in a Foreign Language ] you understand what im saying . Guillermo yeah. [ speaking in a Foreign Language ] jimmy sounds like somebody watched the lion king last night and got drunk. [ laughter ] a lot of republicans, this is crazy, 38 of republicans said they want trump to stay in politics. And his former chief of staff, mick mulvaney, said he expects trump to run again in 2024. Can you imagine if in 18 months he comes down that frigging escalator again . [ laughter ] biden should outlaw escalators just to make sure he doesnt. [ laughter ] the other big news item today, the other major story shaking up the markets and the world, really, is the Shocking Development on the bachelorette tonight. Its over. It is over. Clare really threw the show for a loop. If you havent been watching sadly i have, so let me catch you up. What happened in this episode tonight is trumplevel insane. So clare agrees to be the bachelorette, to be on the show. They line up 25 guys. Clare and the producers are all ready to go. But they have to postpone because of covid. So everyone goes home. She goes home. The guys go home. But since theyve already revealed who all the contestants are, clare starts looking them up on social media. She starts studying their instagrams and whatever. And she convinces herself that shes in love with one of them. Dale. Thats dale. Handsome guy, weekend vibes. Whats not to love . Clare gets herself all lathered up for dale. And then dale shows up. And hes like, oh, okay, uh so now its over. She makes it clear, like immediately, that she doesnt want to talk to any of the other guys, shes only interested in dale. So now the producers dont know what to do. They have love to pretend to find for like 13 episodes. So they put dale and clare in a room, they get them naked. While theyre in the room getting it on, Chris Harrison calls neil lane, we need a ring. So neil lane gives them the ring. Unbeknownst to claire or dale, this ring is coming. Then chris brings clare in and informs her that shes getting engaged. What do we do . The next step . Proposal. Oh my gosh. Thats where were headed. [ laughter ] jimmy thats where were headed . Who is we . Chris isnt headed anywhere. Chris is headed to the golf course. So then chris goes to dale, who at this point i think has only had one, yes, only one date with clare. The night before. But chris hands dale an Engagement Ring and tells him to use it. Clare is going to be waiting for you. And shes going to be waiting for a proposal. Jimmy and if you dont do it, were not going to validate your parking. [ laughter ] you willow the la 7,000. Dale, even though he had one date with this woman, gets down on his knee, asks her, will you marry me . Shes like, oh my god, i cant believe it, yes. She goes in and tells the other guys, youre all amazing but i have no interest in any of you. Then they truck in a new bachelorette. Gentlemen, your new bachelorette is on her way here right now. How are you feeling . Im very strong, im very confident, and i live my life. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy wow. This is going to be best season ever. The new bachelorette is not melania, it is tayshia. Tayshia will be with us later on tonight. This has been a problem for me because my wife has correctly picked the winner of the bachelorette and the bachelor eight out of the last ten times. Shes very good at it. She already picked dale for clare but now she has to pick another one and we dont know anything, really. Lets see if we can learn something. Lets go to Molly Mcnearney at the magic wall, molly . Hi. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, there you are. How are you doing . Jimmy what are you seeing on the wall . Well, this is going to be a nail biter. I want to draw your attention to texas. Lets zoom in on dallas. All right, that is in rockwell county. Ivan. And ivan is the first Aeronautical Engineer on the bachelorette, this is historic, because no one has ever had an education on this show before. [ laughter ] jimmy okay. Now hes performing well, but as strong as he is, we have to remember, traditionally tayshia has picked suitors like these. Jpj. A total imbecile. But still, we have to be patient, you know . Ivan has all but a packed victory. Lets cross the country to california, l. A. County. Lets go to venice. California is typically blue, but this is ben, a very likeable army veteran from venice. Veterans perform well, even in traditionally blue areas. When you look at that right there, you can see why. His face. Jimmy youre saying people like his face . I do. [ laughter ] jimmy oh. All right. Well, lets check in with political analyst Guillermo Rodriguez over here in the whatever center. [ applause ] guillermo, based on what you saw there, what can you tell us about bens face . Guillermo it is very good. Jimmy uhhuh. Guillermo 80 , 87 of white women approve of his face. Jimmy how is he doing with women of other demographics . Guillermo very good. He has a very good face. Jimmy lets go back now to molly. [ cheers and applause ] molly, you heard what guillermo had to say. Yeah, that is very telling, the face. The face is an important part of the body, along with the chest, the buttocks, the legs, the perfect abs. Anything could happen. Now lets move up to canada. Jimmy okay. The next couple days will be critical in determining if tayshia wants to relocate to canada, to live with wildlife manager blake. Blake is from ontario. He was upset when clare said goodbye, but i think its an important bachelor to watch. Do not count him out. Were tracking blake closely. Jimmy tell us whats going on in new jersey. All right, come here to new jersey to camden county. This is zach c. , an addiction specialist. He could turn this competition on its head. Heres the important thing here. Ryan goslings lessattractive cousin is basically zac c. Women love that, particularly white women. His roses are going to be coming in at a steady rate. He is one to watch. Z. A. C. C. Has a number of paths to win but its important we be patient, remain calm, and wait for the ballots to come in. Jimmy there nor ballots to come in, you are really the only one who votes on this. Okay, great. Then i see a clear path for the army veteran. Im calling the race for ben. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Your projected winner. Ben is mollys projected winner of the bachelorette season 16b. Thank you for that, molly. And thank you for the sex last night, on a wednesday. Rare and appreciated. I am going to sue you. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy we have a good show tonight. The new new bachelorette tayshia is with us. We have music from jon pardoni and be right back with David Duchovny alexa, tell roomba to vacuum in front of the couch. Experience clean in a whole new way. Now roomba offers you personalized cleaning suggestions and vacuums exactly where you need it. By getting to know you and your home, roomba makes cleaning easier than ever before. So say goodbye to cleaning and hello to clean. Hey google, tell roomba to vacuum the dining room table. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Roomba and the irobot home app. Time to make your disappointing breakfast your exfast. Cause wendys has your new breakfast love with a freshcracked egg on every sandwich and crispy oven baked bacon. Youll be telling everybody about the new breakfast youre seeing at wendys. Hurry in for the breakfast of your dreams today. I had this hundred thousand dollar student debt. Two hundred and twentyfive thousand dollars in debt. Ah, sofi literally changed my life. It was the easiest application process. Sofi made it so theres no tradeoff between my dreams and paying student loans. Student loans dont have to take over for the rest of your life. Thank you for allowing me to get my money right. Thank you for allowing me to get my money right. Got the whole fam rockin hejingle jammays olidays our 18th time watchin love actuallay we gon have the best holiday here at old navay shop jingle jammies from head to toe to tail. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight, after much tumult in the house and a forced engagement, the new bachelorette, tayshia adams, is with us. [ applause ] later, this is his album. Its called heartache medication. Its up did for album of the year at the cmas. This is the deluxe edition. Music from jon pardi. You can see jon at the cma awards wednesday night here on abc. Tomorrow night hunnam and with the exception of scoobydoo, no one has spent more time investigating strange phenomenon. Please welcome David Duchovny. [ cheers and applause ] hi, david. How are you . Jimmy good to see you. Nice to see you. Jimmy where are you, david . I have to commend you on your dressing room, its my apartment, its wonderful. Its working out for me. I do miss the walk out to see you, shaking hands. But another time, maybe. Jimmy its a long walk yeah. Do you mind if we send other guests there . Are you accepting visitors . Sure, why not . As long as theyve been screened. Jimmy hows your election week going, david . Its been interesting. I released a song, kind of an antitrump protest song. Jimmy right. I think i turned maybe two or three votes. [ laughter ] happy about that. You know, im not surprised that trump is now out there trying to overturn the results of this election, because if you recall, in 2004 when he lost the emmy, same thing. [ laughter ] demanding recounts, saying propes is a loser, doesnt deserve it, hes a socialist, on and on. So this is par for the course. [ laughter ] jimmy i like that angle. How did you vote . By mail . Did you vote yourself . I voted illegally, by mail. I didnt know it was illegal. [ laughter ] pointed out by our expresident this afternoon. But my mother, who is 90 years old, immigrant from scotland, she voted for the first time. There she is, in the rain. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Theres your mom. Look at her. Jimmy ive never seen anyone happier to vote. [ laughter ] i know, i know. And shes from scotland. Jimmy uhhuh. Never really followed politics. But she does not like this president. And the fact that he is half scottish is a real thorn in her side. And she will be upset with me for bringing it up and reminding people. Jimmy oh, really. That trump is half scottish. Because most of scotland is really embarrassed of that as well. Jimmy is that true . Wow, i didnt know that. Yeah. Jimmy that particularly got in her craw. How long had she been in the United States . Shes been here since the late 50s. Jimmy oh, wow. So shes not voted this is the this is what motivated her to be part of the process . It really goes to show the extent to which trump can get out the vote. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, sure. She owes him a really, i mean i guess we should thank him for that. That is something else. Wow, she didnt vote for kennedy or reagan or obama or any of these, and now she decides to get out there . Yeah. Yeah, well, she was feeling it, you know . Jimmy scottish culture a thing in your house . Did you guys eat the food, play the bagpipes . Yeah, we ate the food. But mostly we got the discipline. Jimmy oh, really. Scottish discipline. Because basically, to be raised by a scottish mother, and i love my mom and she was a great, great schoolteacher, Lower East Side of manhattan, for many, many years. But the scottish philosophy is, whatever is happening to you, you cant complain, you cant say anything, unless well, she would say, if i was complaining about something, shes say, its right better than a translation, its better than a stone behind the ear. So if somebody isnt hitting you over the head with a brick, you probably shouldnt complain about it. [ laughter and applause. Jimmy thats good stuff. You said your mom was a teacher. Was she happy that you chose to do what you do, that you becamen actor for television and movies . The way you ask that question. Well, at first she was skeptical. Jimmy yeah. And nervous. The odds arent good in showbiz, you know. But i think shes come around. My father also was very kind of surprised. I was kind of going into academia. And my father actually went through a quadruple bypass in the late 80s. I went to visit him. I was doing twin peaks at the time. I played a crossdressing Drug Enforcement agent, one of my first roles. Jimmy right. I went to my dads hospital room, and he was unconscious. He had a yellow pad by his bed because he was intubated, couldnt speak. And hed written his desires or his wishes to the people helping him. Hed written, my feet are cold. Im thirsty. My son plays a transvestite on tv. [ laughter ] jimmy in that order, im guessing, yeah. What i call a found poem. Jimmy david, i read a story about you which is its not entirely about you, but its partly about you. And i know you know what story im talking about. Its a story about a paralympic athlete that you met and you found out about. Tell that story. If you dont mind. I know you seem like youre sick, but you wont complain about it because you dont want to get a rock to the head. [ laughter ] thats right, i dont complain, jimmy. Jimmy thats right. I just have a rock in my though the. Throat. I had read this article in the times about this paralympian who was in southern california, and he didnt have a place to train. And i had just moved into a house where id built this 25meter lap pool, which is odd, because i hated being on the swim team when i was a kid and would do anything to not go swimming. Then to kind of torture myself as an adult, i built myself a lap pool. Im the only one that uses it, r