This race was closer than donald and ivanka at a fatherdaughter dance. [ laughter and applause ] the ballots are still being counted. Joe biden definitely did better than hillary clinton. He was able to pick up the sexist vote but he didnt do as well among racists. [ laughter ] even though the deal appears to be sealed, theres still a lot of attention being paid to the state of pennsylvania. The amish havent wielded this much power since they figured out how to hook a plow to an ox. [ laughter ] ive been thinking about all this. For me the biggest question is, why did we believe the polls again . Youd think wed have learned our lesson. But i guess thats not how humans function. Were on season 25 of the bachelor and were like, i know it didnt work out the first 24 times but this one feels like love. [ laughter ] heres a theory thats very convenient for the pollsters, which is they claim the reason theyre wrong again is because people who supported donald trump lied to them because theyre embarrassed to say. Which is crazy, why would you support a person youre embarrassed to tell anyone youre for . Bottom line, dont trust any industry that calls you on your land line, okay . [ laughter ] it isnt official yet, but all signs are pointing to a joe biden win. Everyone seems to know it. Everyone except for donald trump. This is a fraud. On the american public. This is an embarrassment to our country. We were getting ready to win this election, frankly, we did win this election [ cheers and applause ] jimmy right, right. If they hadnt canceled the olympics this year, he would have won that too. [ laughter ] basically, his message last night in a nutshell was, we won a completely fraudulent election. We want all voting to stop. We dont want them to find any ballots at 4 00 in the morning and add them to the list, okay . Jimmy right, stop counting the votes [ laughter ] okay, stop counting the votes in the states where im ahead, and the states were not tallied up, keep counting, okay . Trump is planning to take this to the supreme court. He called for a recount in wisconsin. Until they told him he had to pay for it. He might not do that. Theyre filing lawsuits in michigan to try to stop them counting votes. And hes sending Rudy Giuliani to philadelphia to try to do something about the results in pennsylvania. Whatever they are. Thats right, recount dracula is on the way to pennsylvania. [ laughter ] they better watch out. This is unbelievable. Tonight we wrote, we have claimed for electoral vote purposes the commonwealth of pennsylvania, which wont allow legal observers, the state of georgia, and the state of north carolina, each one of which has a big trump lead, additionally, we hereby claim the state of michigan if, in fact, there was a large number of secretly dumped ballots as has been widely reported. Hes claiming the votes in four states he didnt win. You cant claim the votes. This is the electoral college. Its not baggage at an airport carousel. [ laughter ] donald trump is losing, and surprisingly, even though he isnt, his supporters are handling it pretty well. We are not prepared to give that number now come on, come on skewed the election the media is covering up the Biden Crime Family is stealing this election the media is covering it up we want freedom for the world give us our freedom bidens covering up this election, hes stealing it where were we . What was the last question . [ laughter and applause ] jimmy that is some lucky relative gets to sit next to him at thanksgiving this year. [ laughter ] in his defense, the Biden Crime Family stole his sleeves and his teeth. [ laughter ] so failure is in the magasphere. Im very happy and relieved that it looks like were finally sending this monster back to maralago. But im also [ cheers and applause ] yes, go ahead. Im also shocked that it was this close. How could i mean, we reunited the cast of every movie and tv show ever made to win this election. It is unimaginable to me that close to half of American Voters saw what this man has done to this country over the last four years, how he kowtowed to vladimir putin, he cozied up to kim jongun, he alienated us from our allies, he put children in cages, he villainized the free press, he hid his tax returns, he tear gassed peaceful protesters, he pardoned all his criminal buddies, he extorted ukraine, he misled us about covid, he dismantled the Pandemic Response team, he dismantled health care, he called neonazis very fine people, he hired a neverending parade of imbeciles, he lied, he lied, he lied, then he lied some more, he is a liar and a cheat who wants them to stop counting thousands of legitimate votes, and almost half of us are apparently okay with that. Half of us want to keep it going for four more years. Which, listen, i dont care what you think of joe biden. If joe biden stopped by my house every morning to key my car and pee in my pool . Still be no question which one of them id vote for. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy none. I mean, what more did donald trump have to do to show us that hes insane and not fit to lead this country . I feel like i overestimated the american people. And i underestimated the village people. [ laughter ] fortunately, there have been some glimmers of sanity from the other side. Many of the president s hype men were unhappy with his speech last night. But no one was more upset than the newspeople who had to stay up until 3 00 in the morning to cover it. Duty bound to point out when he says, we did win this election, weve already won, that is not based in the facts at all. Votes are still being counted. This is disinformation and misinformation on a level that has not been seen from the president ial podium in the east room of the white house in my lifetime. This is why people are boarding up the stores. What President Trump just said was undemocratic and false and premature. This is an extremely flammable situation and the president just threw a match into it. Jimmy yeah. Can you believe this guy did exactly what hes been saying he would do . For months now . Not only has he been saying it for months, this is from october of 2016. I will totally accept the results of this great and historic president ial election if i win. Jimmy okay. Not a lot of room for interpretation there. Donald trump is going to make the end of this as difficult and painful and damaging to this country as he possibly can. Because he cant admit hes a loser. He has to have an excuse. He kept it going this morning. He was orange flagged by twitter repeatedly today, once for this tweet. Last night i was leading, often solidly, in many key states, in almost all instances democrat running controlled. Then one by one they started to magically disappear as surprise ballot dumps were counted, very strange. Yes. Its very strange how the results of an election can change once the ballots are counted. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] its almost supernatural. You know, if theyd just stop counting the votes when he was in the lead, this would be fine, he would have won and ill tell you another thing. If theyd stopped the fight in rocky iii after the first two rounds, kluber lang would have kept his title. He was winning on points. [ laughter ] heres the bottom line. Donald trump is going to serve another term, we just dont know whether it will be in washington or in prison yet. [ cheers and applause ] the inside word is, trump is not taking this well. Lets begin with chief White House Correspondent john roberts live on the north lawn. John, theres a lot to get to. There is, dana. [ breaking glass ] and breaking in the last couple of minutes as well, things moving fast and furiously with the president s campaign four more years, four more years the Trump Campaign has filed a lawsuit in the state of michigan [ breaking glass ] go away, eric jimmy well, there goes the security deposit. [ applause ] meanwhile, joe biden, he gave a speech last night too. He told everyone to remain calm and stay in their cars [ laughter ] while all the votes are counted. So the president and even democracy hangs in the balance. We know one thing for sure, the internet is terrible and caused all of this. Social media is trying to kill us. So tonight as we near the end of an exhausting election, we asked some wellknown names from the world of politics to read some of the worst things ever written about them. With that we give you an allnew politics edition of mean tweets. [ cheers and applause ] Bernie Sanders seems like the type of guy whod return a single piece of fruit to walmart and hold up the line for an hour. Well, not quite, but i do hope that the workers of walmart can eventually earn a living wage with decent benefits. Elizabeth warren is what happens when jan brady grows up. If templeton the rat from charlottes web had a successful rat cousin he hated for being an unctuous slimeball, it would be ted cruz. Andrew yang has terrible hair and cant be president. Its not fair but its the truth. Have you seen our current president s hair . Anthony scaramucci is what happens when cold lasagna served on a sopranos dvd makes a wish upon a star to be a real boy. Somebody was on serious drugs writing that one. Nancy pelosi probably has the same five napkins in her purse for the last 25 years. That comes from puraggies. Is that how many napkins you have . corybooker has the iq of a dog turd. If john kerrys head were be carved on a mountain, it would be actual size. [ laughter ] mt. Rushmore, here i come. Dear al franken, you werent funny then, and youre not funny now, in fact, youre not good enough, youre not smart enough, and gosh darn it, no one likes you. Call back to a character. Im not the kind of person who collects and stores cat piss, for starters, i dont own any cats, but if i were, i guarantee it would take hulklike strength to keep me from throwing collected stored, warmedup cat piss into john kasichs face. Youre kind of sick, arent you . Mayor pete looks like howdy doody if howdy doody was a [ bleep ] narc. [ laughter ] realdonaldtrump, to show you how dishonest the Mainstream Media is, i used the word little to describe corrupt congressman little adam schiff. Low ratings cnn took the hyphen out and said i spelled the word little wrong. A small but neverending situation with cnn. First of all its not a hyphen. But secondly, what the [ bleep ] . Youre the president of the United States. mikebloomberg saying hes running for president is like finding out nickelback is playing the super bowl halftime show. I like nickelback. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i think that goes a good way toward explaining a lot. We got a good show for you tonight. Senator cory booker is with us. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from Gregory Porter. And well be right back with Kerry Washington [ cheers and applause ] sprinting past every leak in our softest, smoothest fabric. Shes confident, protected, her strength respected. Depend. The only thing stronger than us, is you. Depend. Buy online, pick up same day if you wish. Instore, curbside, whatever your sitch i. Its the safest way to gift that ever existed. Buy online, pick up in store or with contactless curbside pickup. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com get new charmin ultra strong. Getting clean . It just cleans better, so your family can use less. Hello clean bottom enjoy the go with charmin. Now roomba vacuums exactly where you need it. Hey google, tell roomba to vacuum the kitchen counter. And offers personalized cleaning suggestions for a clean unique to you and your home. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Roomba and the irobot home app. Chef claes insists on fresh neclean ingredients. The richest cheeses and a mouthwatering sauce. So when chef claes makes a pizza, he doesnt just make a pizza. He makes a masterpiece. Taste our delicious new flatbread pizzas today. Panera. Jimmy welcome back. Tonight, the newly reelected senator from new jersey, cory booker, is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, this guys good. This is his album, called all rise. Music from Gregory Porter. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo, have you had a few drinks tonight . Guillermo i had four shots, jimmy, im nervous. Im nervous. I pray were going to win, were going to win [ cheers and applause ] we just need nevada. Nevada, we win. Jimmy yeah, all right. Well, very good. Guillermo should i bring you a shot . Jimmy what . You realize youre talking like three times louder than usual, right . [ laughter ] guillermo yeah. Its okay, dont worry. [ laughter ] jimmy no, im going to wait until its final before i get you know. Guillermo yeah, maybe we should celebrate in your house. Jimmy okay, you can come over. Guillermo yeah, i will for sure. [ laughter ] molly . Hey jimmy im driving. Guillermo yeah. Jimmy tomorrow night on the show, David Duchovny and the bachelorette will be with us with music from john purdy. Our first guest spent seven seasons in a fictional washington, d. C. That seemed crazier than the real one. Shes with us to calm us down. Please welcome Kerry Washington [ cheers and applause ] hi, kerry. Hi, jimmy. Jimmy how are you doing . I love this version of guillermo. Jimmy drunk guillermo, postshow guillermo. Guillermo im so happy, kerry, were going to win i agree with your, guillermo, im with you. [ applause ] jimmy tell us how youre feeling right now. Im feeling mostly really im feeling a lot of things, like a lot of us. One thing im really proud of is how Many Americans showed up. Like more americans voted in this election than ever before. More people voted for joe biden than any other president in u. S. History. So despite covid, despite voter suppression, despite intimidation, we showed up at the polls. And im really proud of that. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were you surprised at all yeah. Jimmy by how close it was . You know i mean, the metaphor ive been using a lot with friends is that leading up to election day, it felt like we were all awaiting the results of a biopsy. I read that on twitter somewhere and i was like, i relate to that. Thats how i felt. I love what you tweeted about, sort of being in surgery while youre awake. That too. Jimmy yeah, it felt like that, it really did. Yeah, it really did. But i think, you know, when youre awaiting the results of a biopsy, its because you need to find out how serious the cancer is, right . We got to see, we are dealing with some serious cancers in this country with racism and misogyny and homophobia and antisemitism, and you could go on and on. Sellishness, materialism jimmy and these are just the things donald trump puts on his tinder profile. [ laughter ] exactly. So its great to be able to see it. Once you get that result from the doctor, then you can make a plan. So we can see whats out there. We know what were dealing with. And we fight, you know. Not literal fight. We stay calm and peaceful. But we can have a strategic plan. Jimmy you worked very hard on this election. At least, it seemed like that to me. It really seemed like it was a fulltime job for you. My husband said the same thing. It was like, you have another job, as if you dont already have a job. I was working really hard on it, yeah. Jimmy good for you for doing that. I think you might have visited more cities this week than joe biden did. Where were you . I was over the past two weeks ive been in i was in north carolina, arizona, and michigan. Jimmy north carolina, arizona, michigan. And when you get there, like what do you say to people . Are you meeting with volunteers . Are you speaking in front of a group . What are you doing, exactly . Well, its all different in covid time. Because everybodys Wearing Masks and youre six feet apart from folks. But yeah, i was, you know just really i spent a lot of time cheering on the volunteers. Because you have so many people on the ground. Community organizers who are going out there, encouraging people to know how much their vote matters. So it was really like cheering on those folks to say, its one thing to vote, its another thing to really get in the trenches and do the work. And i am so grateful because i dont live in a swing state that people are willing to do that work in swing states. Not just to like say, vote for this guy. But to say to voters, you matter, your vote matters. For democracy to work, we need you to show up, to every single person. Jimmy where did you watch the coverage yesterday . On my couch. Jimmy at home. Yeah. Jimmy did you eat a whole bag of halloween candy, like i did . [ laughter ] i did. Its so bad that theres so much candy right now in my house, not good. Jimmy did your kids watch with you . Were they watching this as it went on . So they not really. We didnt have it on all day. We tried to keep it just on our personal devices all day. But we do talk a lot about it. We talk a lot about the election in my house. And they actually did their own election at school where they were voting for the best dessert. So they were Walking Around on tuesday with i voted stickers too, but their stakes were a little bit lower. Strawberry ice cream, sugar cookies, brownies. A different stake. Jimmy the pumpkin pie didnt win yesterday, thats for sure. [ laughter ] kerry, as far as thanks, guys. [ laughter ] as far as i think when i tell a particularly stupid joke, you laugh just to rub it in, right . To call attention to it . [ laughter ] because you know what, i have to say, we had the television on. And you know, of course our kids are like, could we watch something that we want to see . We try to explain whats going on. But we dont really know what to say when we see donald trump the kids are aware that were not fans. But we dont like to say curse words in front of them. We dont want to scare them, really. Because it can be scary when youre a kid and you think about who the president of the country and is what that represents to like a 6yearold. So how do you handle that with your kids . I mean, we do talk about bad guys and good guys. You know, they know what superheroes are, and they know that in our house, superheroes are the people who vote and the people who work at the polls and the people who community organize and leave the world a better place. And bad guys are people who i havent been this specific with them, but separate families, take away health care. But i have said they were asking a lot when we were getting on planes to go all these places, because obviously were not traveling a lot in covid. And what i said to them was, we really want to go places to help people know how important their voice is and that they need to vote. Because the reason the person is in the white house is there now is because not enough people voted. And our kids were like, why didnt they vote . We said, they didnt know how much they