[ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Very nice, welcome. Im jimmy, the host. Thanks for watching. Thanks for coming. I was hoping someone would show up. You know, i have to tell you. We have a lot of fun on this show. Right, guillermo . Guillermo right, jimmy. Jimmy its nonstop fun, right . Guillermo yes, all the time. Jimmy but not everything is fun. And right, im dealing with a tricky situation at my house. Ive been trying to throw out two garbage cans. They got rusty so i threw them out. Theyve been waiting to be taken to garbage heaven for three weeks now. [ laughter ] every week, the garbagemen come, they empty the plastic ones and leave without these. I mean, look at this. I assume they see them. [ laughter ] they dont match the other ones. And i am torn now between calling or putting a note on the bins. And just leaving them there to find out how long it takes. Before someone notices that two of these things are not like the other. What would you do in this situation, guillermo . Guillermo just tell your assistant to take care of it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah. Thats one idea. Guillermo thats what i think. Jimmy youre not supposed to talk about that stuff on tv. Guillermo all right, sorry. Jimmy im going to wait it out. Im going to do an update every week. If theyre not gone by christmas, ill call. [ laughter ] speaking of garbage, you know the show the masked singer . [ laughter ] well, the new season doesnt premiere until next month but the identity of one of the singers has been revealed. And his name is Rudy Giuliani. [ moans ] right . Thats what i said. The guy trying to destroy our country . Hes singing on a show [ moans ] according to deadline, when rudy was unmasked at a taping of the show last week, two of the judges, ken jeong and robin thicke, were so outraged, they walked off the set. [ applause ] good. The only people who should be unmasking Rudy Giuliani is the gang from scooby doo. Now lets find out who the real traitor is fox isnt releasing details about which character was rudy. If you look at it, its not hard to figure out. These are the contestants. Zoom in there. Thats obviously him, right . Those are his real teeth. How does this even happen . I mean, a lot of people at fox had to sign off on this. Not one of them was like, hey, maybe we shouldnt have the guy who is under investigation for helping to plot an insurrection singing on our show . And this isnt the first time theyve done Something Like this, remember season one . Take it off whoo [ laughter ] jimmy you remember season two . Take it off who is this baby . [ laughter ] jimmy do you recall what happened in season three . Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes jimmy and what about what they did in season four . Oh, im excited. [ applause ] jimmy and that is how we got the coronavirus. [ laughter ] why would rudy even agree to this . Did he think he was going to the masked Singer Landscaping Company . [ laughter ] only Rudy Giuliani would try to overthrow the government, break wind loudly in court, sweat hair dye all over one press conference, have another one next to a dildo store, and then try to rehabilitate his image by singing shake your groove thing dressed as a pineapple. [ laughter ] but fox should be ashamed of themselves. They should have another show after the masked singer that night called the masked executives. All the fox executives come out in costumes, the one who greenlit this idea takes off the mask and gets voted out of television forever. [ cheers and applause ] so the New York Times right now has unmasked new details about the shady ways rudy was trying to help trump overturn the election. According to two memos obtained by the times, team trump cooked up an absolutely preposterous plan. They wanted to create a fake slate of electors to replace the people who were assigned to cast electoral votes for biden with electors who would cheat and vote for trump instead. Do you realize how crazy that is . Basically, trump tried to use all the ceremonial parts of the election to overthrow it. Its like hes trying to stab us with a giant pair of Ribbon Cutting scissors. [ laughter ] and the scariest part of this attempted coup is that its not just something that happened in the past. Its ongoing. Some of these nuts who claim the election was stolen are currently running for secretary of state in their states. That means they would oversee elections in states like nevada and arizona and michigan, which are battleground states. You may remember, it was a secretary of state who refused to let trump find 11,000 votes in georgia. Then guess what, the Republican Legislature in georgia voted to censure that man, who by all accounts is a diehard republican, and remove him as chair of the election board. Then they voted to give themselves the power to take over votecounting in the future. One proposal under consideration in wisconsin right now which would have had trump winning 8 of 10 electors in 2020 even though joe biden won the popular vote in the state. In other words, the january 6th committee is investigating whether trump tried to steal the last election while he is trying to steal the next election. And by the way, you know how we could fix this . What if, im just throwing this out there what if the person who got the most votes in the election won . [ cheers and applause ] i mean, think about it. What if we had a system in the united states, its a little complicated, let me put this idea up on screen to help. [ laughter ] these are the voters. Now, lets say this many vote for candidate a, and this many votes for candidate b. And then we would add up the total votes for a and the total votes for b. We count the votes and whoever has more of them is the winner. I know, its tricky. [ cheers and applause ] but i feel like theres something there. Were all so numb to these revelations now. There could be emails from trump saying suggesting he eat bidens face off and graft the face onto his own head so he could be president and everybody would be like, well, there he goes again. [ laughter ] you know how over the weekend trump said he would give pardons to the rioters who stormed the capitol . Well, turns out its not the first time he floated that idea. In the final days of his presidency, trump reportedly gave serious thought to issuing a blanket pardon, to everyone who supported him in the attack on january 6th. Thats him, always looking out for others, one thing you have to say. The story says trump asked an aide, do you think i should pardon them . Do you think its a good idea . Do you think i have the power to do it . And alexa said, sorry. Im having trouble understanding right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] he got weirdly specific. What if i just said, he wanted to know, is it everybody that had a trump sign or everybody who walked into the capitol who could be pardoned . Or everyone wearing jean shorts that could be pardoned . Maybe we could give out pardons in return for a donation to my campaign . What if we called it pardon university . It could be like tuition. [ laughter ] it was a crazy plan but you know what they say about those, sometimes theyre so crazy, if you find the right lawyer, they just might work did you or a loved one peacefully protest your way through the windows of our nations capitol last january . If so, you may be entitled to a president ial pardon. Hi, its Rudy Giuliani, president ial lawyer and dildo aficionado. I want to help you avoid unfair charges brought against you. Just because you broke into a Federal Building to protest something President Trump made up. Usa usa you may be eligible for a pardon if you committed any of the following patriotic acts. Stealing a podium from the rotunda. Stealing Nancy Pelosis computer. Screaming. Wiping your blood on the walls. Wiping your feces on the walls. Peeing on the walls. Or trying to hang mike pence. If you believe youve earned a president ial pardon, send a certified check for 10,000 to Rudolph Giuliani and associates, the ninth circle of hell, zip code 10004. Were coming for you, nancy act now and receive a president ial dose of hydroxychloroquine, absolutely free. Warning, may cause death. Ill get you the pardon youre entitled to. Or just like President Trump, you pay me nothing at all. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Not valid in alaska, hawaii, or any of the continental united states. [ applause ] jimmy something to think about. Meanwhile, President Biden has been tussling with one of trumps old foes. Tiktok. Remember when trump tried to ban tiktok and instead, every other app banned him . [ laughter ] the Biden Administration is hashing out regulations that would limit the reach of certain apps from china, like tiktok. The concern is that china is using those apps to spy on us and steal our data. Can you imagine the meeting where they had to present this to joe biden . How do you explain tiktok to a 79yearold man . [ laughter ] he probably thinks the internet is a series of tin cans connected together by string. [ laughter ] but grampotus put out a forceful statement today, making his case for the need to crack down. Hey, there, mr. And mrs. America. Its me, joe the know. Im ringing the old air raid siren to warn everyone about something called tictac. Were taking our secret info and wrapping it up for the chinese. From our dance moves to meemaws recipe for succotash. Sure, it tickles a sweet spot. Watching folks cut up soap and freeze bubbles. Look at that there. Is that a kick or what . Lets keep those good times right here in the u. S. Of a is for applesauce. A little story. When i was a tyke, there was a fellow in the neighborhood called short stack. Old short stack got his legs blown off in guadalcanal, but man oh man could he dance. Still, you didnt see short stack doing the jig and sending movies over to the far east. No siree. So lets all be a little more like short stack. Except for when you drown in lake erie. What are we talking about again . Thats right. Osteoporosis is no joke, kemosabe. Milk of magnesia really hits the spot. Im joe biden, and thats it. Right . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well said, mr. President. You hit that right on the head. The latest squabble in washington right now is over the forthcoming vacancy on the supreme court. Biden said he plans to nominate the first black woman to serve on the supreme court. And that [ cheers ] jimmy did not sit will with a number of republicans, including ted cruz and senator john kennedy of louisiana. Im not going to vote for a justice whos going to try to rewrite the constitution every other thursday, to advance a woke agenda. Jimmy yet you expect people to vote for a senator who says thursdee. [ laughter ] jimmy he says, i want a nominee who knows a law book from a j. Crew catalog. John kennedy, he went to oxford. At one time he was a democrat, now he pretends hes a downhome, folksy, republican guy. His campaign ads are like norman rockwellesque, full of homespun john kennedy is the kind of man who would wear diapers proudly. So much so, that we took the audio, the announcer and whatnot, from a commercial for bladder medication and put it over the video from one of his real commercials. And the result is everything we love about america. We all have internal plumbing. For some of us with Overactive Bladder, our pipes dont work as well as they should. I learned theres something more i can do. I take care with veslcare. Oncedaily veslcare can help control your bladder muscle and is proven to treat Overactive Bladder with symptoms of frequent urges and leaks day and night. If you have stomach or glaucoma problems or trouble emptying your bladder, do not take veslcare. Tell your doctor if you become constipated for three or more days. Why wait . Ask your doctor about taking care with veslcare. Id rather drink weed killer. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy be my guest. Let me say this. Hes a tough old lady, that john kennedy. [ laughter ] not as tough as this old lady. This is a walmart in British Columbia where a shoplifter was trying to get out the door with a cart full of stuff. He did not expect to be stopped by a crimefighting grandma. Are you going to pay for that . Yeah. Go ahead. Huh . Are you going to pay for it . Excuse me. Excuse me [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. Damn thief [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. Come on, bud. [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. Come on. Get out all right. Get out get out take your [ bleep ] and go. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i love that were rooting for walmart. Right . [ laughter ] nice work, grambo. That was smooth. One more thing before we move on. Its thursday night, that means its time to bleep and blur the big moments of the week in tv, whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] if you have a chance, maybe next year, brian, you and i will go. Because i feel you need some groundhog [ bleep ]. Right. Records from the Trump White House have been turned over to investigators. It seems many of them have been [ bleep ]ed up. Heres how you actually know hes worried. He just [ bleep ]ed on mike pence. Well, one of the advantages of no longer being Vice President is i can [ bleep ] my own [ bleep ]. I truly dont believe he enjoyed [ bleep ]ing anybodys ass more than he did mine. Check out this [ bleep ], the frozen pond here. Unbelievable, you might have quite a work ethic. Thats what my wife says, but she doesnt know how much i [ bleep ] off at work, actually. Okay, thats the trick there. With the metal pole, im going to keep my [ bleep ] in my mouth. Thank you, appreciate that. You fell into a septic tank . Covered with human [ bleep ] . Yeah. They call me Pookie Dookie now. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy sorry, mr. Dookie. We have a good show for you tonight. Anna chlumsky is here. Weve got music from the weather station. Be right back with josh gad vo ninetytwo percent of students in highneeds schools cant afford essential School Supplies. Subaru and our retailers are there to help by giving millions of dollars in funding along with School Supplies students need. We call it the subaru love promise and we are proud to be the largest corporate supporter of adoptaclassroom. Org. 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Sell to your customers anywhere, with shopify, the Commerce Platform designed for entrepreneurs. Online, on social, in person and on the go. Get the tools you need to sell the way you want, powered by shopify. Im steve. I lost 138 pounds in 9 months on golo and taking release. Golo saved my life. I was way overweight, and thats what sent me down the path, was ii wanted to make sure and live for my kid. Plain and simple. Well well well, what have we here . A magical place. Thats lookin to get scared with bats. And ghouls. And cars in disguise. Ive cast quite a spell now. You wont believe your eyes [laughter] the spell is cast. Halloween time is back with spooktacular experiences in disneyland and disney california Adventure Parks [laughter] [ cheers and applause ] back. Tonight from the new show inventing anna on netflix, you know her from veep, Anna Chlumsky is with us. [ cheers and applause ] all the way from toronto, their album is called ignorance, the weather station. [ cheers and applause ] next week, please join us. Next week weve got new shows with channing tatum, julie bowen, keeganmichael key, and arnold schwarzenegger. Plus music from sylvan esso and pj morton. Please join are for all that. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a highly versatile performer, the consummate showman and the consummate snowman, too. He plays a single dad dating a lady werewolf on the new series wolf like me. Its on peacock now. Please say hello to josh gad. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you doing . Im good. Jimmy its good to see you. Its good to see you. I dont fit in this suit, im realizing that too late. Jimmy what happened . Well, im fat. [ laughter ] and so its a problem. Because i was like, oh, yeah, this looks good. Then i sat. Not so much. Jimmy would you be more comfortable standing through the interview . Yeah, i would, as a matter of fact. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] slimming. Ask me anything, im ready. No, no, this is good. Jimmy i was thinking about you. Frozen, as ive told you in the past, dominated our household. In large part thanks to you as olaf, the beloved snowman. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy and its great and everything. But to the point where its driving us insane. Yeah. Jimmy and now it has been replaced, im maybe sorry to report, maybe youre happy to hear this, i dont know, by encanto. [ cheers ] which is a phenomenon. You have young kids. Is this occurring in your house too . Yeah, its a big problem. [ laughter ] so i didnt get what you all meant by its enough with let it go. I understand now. [ laughter ] ive got two girls. And every day in the house, its this. We dont talk about bruno no no no and its like i understand now. Im ashamed. Im sorry we did that. [ applause ] im sorry. But its a phenomenon. Jimmy yeah. And i keep its like, you know, when you have people who are addicted to cigarettes . They say, give them 50 cigarettes and theyll quit. Ive tried that with we dont talk about bruno. But it only seems to make them stronger. Theyre not i was hoping it would make them sick of it. Its making them stronger. [ laughter ] really upsetting. Jimmy weird thing about kids, when they like something, they c