Up his hands in a celebratory manner. [ laughter ] lou from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight wanda sykes, cassidy hutchinson, and music from lany. With cleto and the cletones. And now, jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very nice. Thank you. Thank you, i appreciate it. Welcome. Im jimmy, im the host. Thanks for watching. Thank you for joining us on a very special day, a very holy day of guacamole here in the united states. It is National Taco day today. [ cheers ] why would they have taco day on wednesday . Isnt tuesday the taco day . Guillermo yeah, taco tuesday, yeah. Jimmy everything is so screwed up. [ laughter ] did you get that text from the Emergency Alert system today . The federal government let everyone know our phones would be getting an alert message at 2 20 eastern, 11 20 a. M. Our time today. Everyones phones made a terrible noise at once. And of course, because everyone is crazy now, the conspiracy goblins were out in force warning anyone who will listen that its all part of the globalist plan to mutate us when the vaccines get hit with 5g. [ laughter ] pathogens can be released by different frequencies. Pulsed through the 5g network. If you got the shots, the odds are, according to u. S. Law, that you are owned by the patent owners. You are a new species. The worstcase scenario is it activates people and makes them aggressive, and we see the hutus and the tutsis recreated in america. Theres worse parts to it, including a gene deletion that effectively will turn those poor people into zombies. [ laughter ] jimmy into zombies. The phones are gonna turn us into zombies. Our phones already turned us into zombies. [ laughter ] and by the way, zombies eat brains. None of you guys have anything to worry about. [ laughter ] but if you were concerned that your phone will somehow trigger a zombie transformation, there was a simple thing you could do to prevent it. First, its important you both turn off your phones and laptops and put them in faraday bags. Theoretically or a microwave. Or your microwave. Dont turn on it, but the microwave is a faraday cage itself. Jimmy yes. Definitely turn the microwave on, put your phone in it, put it on the popcorn setting for 18 minutes. [ laughter ] try to get your head in there too. [ cheers and applause ] i mean okay. So lets break this down for a second. So these nuts think this is a conspiracy, whatever. If this was a conspiracy to turn us into zombies, why would the government announce it in advance . Just to let you know, zombie time is 2 20 eastern on wednesday. [ laughter ] in the old days, people like your dad or your uncle would think these people were crazy. But now, you even see this stuff on allegedly mainstream news channels. Season two of triple confidential is back. 5g technology. Is it the reason your grandson is a gay . We dial in on your isps some say bill gates and oprah secretly own the worlds fresh water. Facebook suggested poisoning it with fluoride to make you enjoy rap music. What are they hiding . Jews, we all know they caused hurricane katrina, but what are they planning with their space lasers . Eight planets, eight nights of chanukah, that adds up to 16. The same number of letters in Barbra Streisands name if you add an extra a here. Will yentyl go mental and blow up the cosmos . Triple confidential on fox nation, hosted by jfk jr. And sasquatch. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the american dream. Speaking of crazy, are you following the goingson in congress . We got a new episode of the house floor is lava last night. [ laughter ] the search is on for a new speaker after the maga monkeys kicked out Kevin Mccarthy. The ins and outs of how it happened are complicated, but basically Kevin Mccarthy went through the political equivalent of getting pantsed in front of the whole school, then having a squirrel bite you on the penis. [ laughter ] mccarthy was ousted by the lunatic fringe of his own party. It is the First Time Ever in the history of this country that a speaker has been removed. Now they need a new speaker. And the klan mom, Marjorie Taylor greene, has a great idea. She thinks it should be donald trump. We want him back as president , why not make him speaker of the house . Even if its an interim speaker while we work to find another speaker. Anyone that wants to run for speaker, the only way to earn my vote is to beat President Trump. Jimmy hes never going to have sex with you, marge [ laughter ] stop it hes a married man [ cheers and applause ] as nutty as it sounds, the constitution does not require that the speaker of the house be a member of congress. Technically, any american can be the speaker. And according to sean hannity, trump might be into this. Sources telling me at this hour, some House Republicans have been in contact with and have started an effort to draft former President Donald Trump to be the next speaker. And i have been told that President Trump might be open to helping the republican party, at least in the shortterm. Jimmy did he say draft . Dont use the word draft. It gives trump bone spurs. [ laughter ] could you imagine this . There isnt enough insanity in the house right now. They want to bring in donald trump to come settle things down . The man has 91 felony counts against him, and hes in the middle of a 250 million fraud trial in new york. But that doesnt mean he isnt considering the job. Would you take the job . A lot of people have asked me about it. Im focused. I dont know im sure you know from the papers, im leading by like 50 points for president. My focus is totally on that. If i can help them during the process, i would do it. Jimmy the same guy who sent hundreds of dangerous imbeciles to poop on the floor of that same building wants to help. [ laughter ] although i guess in some ways, it makes sense. Republicans need a speaker, and the way things are going right now in court, pretty soon, trump might need a house. [ laughter ] meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani is back at the center of another trump investigation. Count drunkula is said to be in the crosshairs of special council jack smith. Federal prosecutors have reportedly been looking into rudys drinking. They want to know was giuliani drunk when he told the president to fight the election results, did trump know giuliani was drunk, and who threw up all over mike pences dockers . [ laughter ] there was a big story today in the New York Times about giulianis drinking. He strongly denies being an alcoholic, even though you can clearly see theres an espresso martini leaking out of his head. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i have to say, though, i was thinking about giuliani, and the saddest thing about it is if they werent on opposite sides of the fence, rudy and hunter biden would probably have a really good time together. [ laughter ] as you know, the Writers Strike is over. But not only are members of the actors unions still out on the picket line, today, more than 75,000 employees of Kaiser Permanente walked off the job as well. Its the largest Healthcare Strike in american history. Which is bad news for anybody they left in the mri machine. [ laughter ] kaiser employees are fighting for better pay, which they deserve, better benefits. Theyre looking for they want hospital gowns that actually cover their patients hideous butts. [ laughter ] striking employees include nursing staff, receptionists, pharmacists, and optometrists. Optometrists must make great picketers. Which middle finger looks clearer . This one or this one . [ laughter ] the Writers Strike lasted 148 days, which was a very long time for us to be out. It went on so long, guillermo and i started looking at fallback careers. Right . Guillermo thats right, jimmy, yes. Jimmy do you remember what we did . Guillermo yes, jimmy, cooking. [ laughter ] jimmy yes. We went through the want ads and found a line of work called cooking that seemed to be fun and delicious. [ laughter ] hi, welcome to benihana. Jimmy nice to meet you, thank you for having us. Youre going to instruct us in the ways of the benihana chef . Yes, rule number one, please dont cut yourself. Jimmy dont cut yourself, okay, thats good. I was planning to do that, okay. Rule number two, as you see, the grill is hot. Jimmy dont touch that either . Dont touch that either. We have to introduce ourselves for the guests. Konnichiwa. Guillermo konnichiwa. Jimmy konnichiwa. Cross and bend, three seconds. Japanese people, we bend each other. Jimmy you bend each other . Why there are so many, right, right. Next step, were going to serve the sauces. Jimmy one time i was at benihana, and i saw Rick Springfield sitting at another table. Thats my benihana story. He did the song jessies girl. You know that song . Im sorry. Jimmy you know that song . He wanted to steal jesses girlfriend from his friend because she was so attracted to him. Guillermo oh, wow. Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] i saw him at a benihana. You ever served him . No, i dont think so. Jimmy great. Simple. One, right . And catch. You can make some noise a little bit. Jimmy make noise. Fried rice. We have egg. You know the japanese egg roll . Jimmy yeah. This is japanese egg roll. [ laughter ] jimmy people laugh when you do that . Yeah, usually. Guillermo what a great joke. Im going to close with this, right . Jimmy okay. Right now they disappear . Guillermo oh my god. Jimmy oh, wow, its like magic. Magic. Jimmy give the egg a spin, go like all right, there we go, and look at that, how many eggs are in there . I got it right here now listen, i know you got a book full of jokes, right . The chefs use . This is like the benihah of jokes. When someones cell phone rings, use the shake tore answer. Hello, pellow . Jimmy thats good. We want to get the bottom surface there cooking. Scrape from the bottom and mix, mix, mix. Guillermo oh, wow. Now were going to do the eggs. Right . Once you get this point, you can put on top of the rice. Very good. Jimmy mix it all up . All together. There you go. Guillermo what time we bring the beer . Japanese sake. Jimmy guillermo, lets focus here. Guillermo lets focus, all right. The good stuff. Jimmy thats the benihana secret. Guillermo oh my god. Jimmy yeah. Theres another trick i can show you. Guillermo what . Rice bowl. Guillermo oh, wow. No, im going to have an accident. No, its easy, trust me. One, two guillermo okay, if i drop it you got it. Guillermo hey jimmy beautiful. Guillermo you want one, jimmy . Jimmy no, im all right, thank you. Guillermo like japanese tequila. Wow jimmy wow you cut too much meat here, look at this. Guillermo im a little bit drunk, maybe. Jimmy is it okay to eat the food while youre cooking it . Do you ever have a little snack . Did you eat it . Thats not done. Jimmy still tasted good. What did a mushroom say to another mushroom . You are a fun guy. Im going to have to hire some of these writers. Guillermo yeah, thats it . Looks good, huh . Jimmy you think were ready now to cook for customers . It tastes very good. You can cook your friend, maybe. Jimmy what do you say, chef . Good job, very good. Jimmy i mean, about cooking for customers. Uh [ laughter ] oh my gosh. Jimmy hello, ladies. Guillermo how are you . How are you doing . Jimmy konnichiwa. Guillermo konnichiwa. Jimmy my names chef jimmy, this is chef guillermo. We just learned how to do this, so bear with us. Whose birthday about it . Happy birthday, teresa. Im going to tell you something, guillermos a little drunk also. Guillermo yeah. Jimmy get that rice, will you, guillermo . Are we trained for almost 40 minutes, so youre in very, very good hands. By the way, why does he have the erect hat, mine is flaccid . Do you guys know what the filet mignon said to the tbone . Nice to meatcha. Guillermo how are we doing . Jimmy now were going to hey guillermo yeah jimmy there you go, birthday girl. Watch this, birthday girl. Hey oh sorry. All right, ready . Oh there you go. Whoa were getting pretty good at this, guillermo. Guillermo yes jimmy extra rice . I know where ill put this rice, hold on. There you go. All right. Guillermo all right jimmy all right, you get to we nemade a little bit of mess here. Lets start putting that on plates. Guillermo put it on top of the rice. Jimmy putting it on the rice. Thats the new chef jimmyhana way. And weve done it. Lets have a toast to the birthday girl happy birthday. Guillermo happy birthday jimmy be honest, id like you to rate us both. Do we have what it takes to be benihana chefs . [ laughter ] are the guests happy . Jimmy happy guests. Konnichiwa guillermo konnichiwa [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a good tonight. Cassidy hutchinson is here. Weve got music from lany. And well be right back with wanda sykes. Thousands of women with Metastatic Breast Cancer, are living in the moment and taking ibrance. Ibrance with an aromatase inhibitor is for adults with hr her2 Metastatic Breast Cancer as the first hormonal based therapy. Ibrance plus letrozole significantly delayed disease progression versus letrozole. Ibrance may cause low white blood cell counts that may lead to serious infections. Ibrance may cause severe inflammation of the lungs. Both of these can lead to death. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening chest pain, cough, or trouble breathing. Before taking ibrance, tell your doctor if you have fever, chills, or other signs of infection, liver or kidney problems, are or plan to become pregnant, or are breastfeeding. For more information about side effects talk to your doctor. Be in your moment. Ask your doctor about ibrance. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello there, welcome back. Tonight, shes a former Trump White House assistant, and like many unhappy trumpers, an author. Her book is called enough. Cassidy hutchinson is with us. [ cheers and applause ] later on, a very talented duo from right here in l. A. This is their album, a beautiful blur. It came out last week. Music from lany. [ cheers and applause ] you can see lany on tour starting next year on february 13 in this raleigh, north carolina. Tomorrow night, our guests are dax shepard, nicole avant, and music from boy with uke. Please join us for that. Our first guest is a disproportionately funny human being who is nominated for three emmys, including two for her netflix comedy special wanda sykes im an entertainer. Please say hello to wanda sykes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its great to see you. Thank you for flying out here from your home to be here tonight, i appreciate it. Of course, of course. I mean, come on, were back, its good to be out here. [ cheers and applause ] well, technically, half of me is back. Jimmy half of you is back. The writer side, im back. The actor side is pissed. [ laughter ] jimmy hopefully theyll get that worked out. Hopefully, yes, hopefully, yes. Jimmy did you have the phone go off on the plane . I know you flew in this afternoon. Luckily, i was on the ground when the phone went off. And it was early because it was supposed to be 2 20. At 2 18 jimmy thats right. Everything went off. Im glad i wasnt in the bathroom. [ laughter ] my phone would be in the toilet right now. Scared the hell out of me. Jimmy i was waiting for it at 2 20. It scared me when it went off at 2 18. You get on a plane, do people do they get excited, want to talk to you . When they see you coming . Heres the thing. Because, you know we fly a lot. So i have, like, you know like on american, im damn near two miles away from being a pilot. [ laughter ] so i get to board early, whatever. And so i dont think people are happy to see me when i cut past wheelchairs and everything. [ laughter ] out of the way, ive got to get my drink before we take off you know. But theyre great. And man, they did a great job getting you on that plane this morning because i was so late. Jimmy were you . I was late getting to the airport. Jimmy they were helpful . Yes, yes. Jimmy wow, that almost never happens anymore. No, no, they were great. Because the flight was pretty much closed. Jimmy they let you through . I think two heart attacks, but i got on. [ laughter ] i gotta see jimmy jimmy do people ever mistake you for another celebrity . Yes. Yes. And youre going to think this is nuts. But if i tell you it happened in new orleans, youll believe it. They thought i was Lenny Kravitz. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and im so sorry, lenny. I apologize to lenny. But yeah. Jimmy thats not bad at all. I was like, good, i guess lenny must be working on his pecs, you know . [ laughter ] jimmy i know you are very interested in politics. Have you been following whats been going on this week . Oh, lord. Jimmy, its you know i want to enjoy my summer and enjoy i had to turn it off. Jimmy you did . Its so crazy. Its beyond crazy. So im a little behind. Jimmy you are . How behind are you . Im behind on the craziness. Oh, did you hear that johnny depp and amber heard are having marital issues . [ laughter ] jimmy is that right . Oh my gosh. I hope theyre able to im sure theyll come to a normal resolution. I hope so. Yeah. Jimmy you and your wife are celebrating a 15th wedding anniversary this month. [ cheers and applause ] yes. Jimmy thats a big deal. Thank you. Jimmy did you do something for 15 . Well probably just, you know, have some good oldfashioned hotel sex. [ laughter ] you know. That sounds about right. Jimmy locally . Youll go somewhere local . Ill take her somewhere. It will be a trip involved, yeah. Jimmy when you say youre going to take her somewhere, did you propose to her . I did, actually. I proposed to her, yeah. Jimmy how does that work . Forgive me for my ignorance. But could i mean, you know yeah, she would have proposed to me . Right, yeah. But you know, but shes selfish like that. [ laughter ] jimmy you do a very funny impression of your wife. No, no, yeah. Jimmy in your comedy special, your standup special. Uhhuh. Jimmy does she like when you do that . She loves when i talk about her. I dont know if she likes, you know, the way i you know. Because when that i guess when i do her shes like, uh, so uh babe, uh, do you take, you know, we can do something for, you know, like our anniversary, because we never do anything, you know, and thats the only its the gram, you know, like you know, you know, kevin hart, he take his wife and other people, they do things, and for me, pfft. I do that a lot. Jimmy the spitting. I hope you dont mind me asking, how much does she smoke . [ laughter ] she doesnt smoke at all. [ laughter ] thats just how i see her. I just see her, you know. Jimmy she smokes in your head . A beret and a scarf, thats how i see her. J