Hi, everyone. Very nice. Im jimmy, im the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us. Please, relax. It was a very stormy day for everyones favorite former president today. [ laughter ] we are coming to you from our studio in hollywood, or exhibit f as it was entered into evidence during the donald trump hush money trial this afternoon. The prosecution today called their star witness, their porn star witness, Stormy Daniels took the stand this morning. For donald trump i could only imagine the nervous farting was off the charts. [ laughter ] it was quite a day in court. We got mentioned in court again today, which is exciting. [ cheers and applause ] prosecutors asked stormy about her interview on our show. In which we examined her signature on a letter trumps henchmen cooked up, denying that she and trump ever did it. Daniels said she signed her name in a different way as a tip off to jimmy kimmel. Who is me. [ laughter ] somehow i have become the kato kaelin of this trial. [ laughter ] they did not share a clip, but this was the exchange in question. Your original statement, the signature on the original statement does not match the signature on this statement, which i went through my library of photographs of you to compare it to head shots that you have signed. And these seem to match the original statement. Did you sign this letter that was released today . I dont know, did i . Jimmy she played me like a fiddle. [ laughter ] stormy testified for three hours and 44 minutes today. Her testimony got off to an awkward start. The bailiff swore her in on a rolledup forbes magazine. [ laughter ] when she raised her right hand, trump instinctively shouted, im a bad boy, mommy [ laughter ] the judge said stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with trump, but also said, we dont need to know the details. And see, now this is where i have to object. [ laughter ] yes, we do need to know the details, some of us are trying to host a show here, okay . [ laughter and applause ] and we did get some details. Very unnecessary details. Stormy said the encounter was brief, and that trump did not wear a condom. Which is not surprising. He also stared directly into an eclipse. [ laughter ] not exactly a safety first kinda guy. She said they had sex in the missionary position, and that trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. [ audience moaning ] seems like we should lock him up just for that, right . [ cheers and applause ] we also learned trump used to call stormy honeybunch. Which, interestingly, is also a term melania used at maralago. Honey, bunch of fbi agents at door. [ laughter ] prosecutors promised the judge the testimony would not involve any descriptions of the former president s genitalia. For that you can go to our youtube channel, and type in trump mushroom penis Stormy Daniels. It has 18 million views. Youll love it. The live Court Updates today read like the old letters to penthouse forum. Stormy daniels says she came out of the bathroom and found that trump was in the bedroom, waiting for her, in his boxer shorts and a teeshirt. She had been planning to go. She said he was seated on the bed between her and the exit. Like a traffic cone with nipples or something. [ laughter ] and by the way, if you are having trouble imagining trump seducing a lady in his bedroom clothes . Just feast your eyes on this. [ audience moaning ] no one puts the mold in smoldering like donald trump. Stormy also recounted how she rummaged through trumps toiletry bag, where she found old spice deodorant, and a bottle of pert plus. [ laughter ] explains why his hair has so much bounce [ laughter ] its gentle enough to use every day another bit of scumbaggery trump participated in, he dangled the idea of putting stormy on the apprentice when he was wooing her. She said, what if i lose on the First Episode . And she says trump suggested he could tell her what the challenges would be ahead of time. The guy who complains everything is rigged, offered to rig his stupid show to get some action. [ laughter ] this was another fun detail. Trump watched stormys testimony on the courtroom monitor, rather than looking at her directly. Which is odd. Especially when he was looking at the monitor, he tried to fast forward to the sex scenes. [ laughter ] and nothing happened. So after hearing the first half of stormys testimony, trump, he nearly allcapsed in his pants. [ laughter ] during the lunch break, he posted, the prosecution, which has no case, has gone too far, mistrial [ laughter ] trumps lawyers argued that stormys testimony was prejudicial because, how is the jury supposed to be fair now that theyve visualized him in the missionary position . [ laughter ] how are any of us supposed to move forward from that, really . [ applause ] this is not related to the sex, but you know how trump made a big deal of the judge not letting him go to barrons High School Graduation . Even though the judge never said anything about not letting him go and actually is letting him go . Well, youre definitely going to believe this. On the day barron is graduating in florida, trump is headlining an event in minnesota. I guess dads not going to make the postgraduation brunch. [ laughter ] sorry son, i have to go scream about windmills for two hours. [ laughter ] and then we have kristi noem, governor of south dakota and number one arch enemy of the paw patrol. [ laughter ] who was on trumps short list. Many believe trump no longer considers her to be a potential running mate, because she is a puppy shooter. But i dont know. Shes done a really good job of distracting us from the porn star stuff. He kind of owes her. Mike pence never did anything like that. [ laughter ] this story is nuts, and just keeps getting nuttier. Noem is now distancing herself from her own autobiography. [ laughter ] her book came out today, and by the way, its the perfect gift for anyone who loves traditional conservative values and is considering a career as a serial killer. [ laughter ] politico has a story about her first book in which she reportedly wanted to share her dogshooting saga in that one, but the publishers talked her out of it, they said it was a bad idea that could hurt her politically, and they were right. They were very, very right on that. [ applause ] so now, cruella dakota is on a media tour. Where right wing news crazies, like eric bolling of newsmax, are desperately trying to come up with any angle that might help get her out of this mess. Governor, ive also written a couple of books. I know how the process works. Write some chapters. You dont write the whole book at once. You write a chapter or two, send it to the editors, they edit. They read it, add, subtract. Heres my question. The editor, was she possibly a plant . [ laughter ] jimmy yes. The editor was a plant. [ laughter ] the editor was a philodendron. Working for the biden crime family, and she got in. Good one, eric kristi noem, not only did she include this story in the book, she read the dog story aloud for the audiobook [ audience moaning ] and well have that for you, but first, this. I know youre a mom. I know youre a follower of god. I know you can quote the bible. Meanwhile, because of the story, the leftist media has you out there killing fido. Jimmy no, no. We dont have you out there killing fido. You killed fido [ cheers and applause ] the other passage that is getting a lot of attention is a tale about governor noem meeting another gnome, north Korean Leader kim jongun. [ laughter ] in the story, she brags about telling him off. Well, turns out, she did not meet with kim jongun, it was a lie. And now, not only are they cutting it out of the book, shes doing some mary lou rettoncaliber verbal gymnastics to try to bs her way around it. Did you meet with kim jongun . Ive met many World Leaders. Ive been traveling for years and years, talking to World Leaders. Ive traveled the world, and ive visited with World Leaders. Ive gone all across the world. Ive met with World Leaders. I have met with leaders around the world. Ive met with many World Leaders, many of them. Ive met with many, many World Leaders. Many World Leaders. Ive met with many, many World Leaders. Ive met many World Leaders around the world, ive been to the dmz. Ive been in the dmz, ive traveled all around the world. Im not going to talk about those personal meetings that ive had with World Leaders. I dont have conversations about my conversations with World Leaders. I dont talk about personal meetings with World Leaders. I never talk about my personal meetings with World Leaders. Maybe you did have a conversation with kim, but you dont want to talk about it . I will not talk about my personal conversations with any World Leaders. [ laughter ] jimmy thats right, i will only write about it in my book. [ laughter ] then immediately retract it. Why did you remove it . Is it because its untrue . That passage . No, this is something that i think is im not going to talk about it. Clearly if youre taking it out of the book, its because its untrue . Ive given you my answer, no, thats not the answer. You recorded the whole book, the audiobook. You read this pessage out loud. Ive traveled for years. Ive been involved in policy for almost 30 years. Okay, but you didnt answer my question. When you recorded you posted pictures and video of yourself recording the audiobook. When you recorded your audiobook, you didnt notice im not going to discuss about my meetings with World Leaders. Im not asking you to, im asking about recording your audiobook. Did you want to talk about Something Else today . Jimmy yes, lets get back to you killing your puppy in a gravel pit. [ laughter ] i can hear the mother behind me yelling, my chickens, no, not my chickens, as she sobbed and ran after me, bouncing the baby under the arm. All three of us chased cricket around in circles, flailing after her as she grabbed one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it after another. She was like a trained assassin. Jimmy right. Like a puppy john wick. [ laughter ] a real wick puppy is what she is. This is so crazy. And the truth is, kristi noem is getting a lot of heat for being antidog, shouldnt she get some credit for being so prochicken . [ laughter ] [ applause ] the book debuted at number 58 on amazon behind how to catch a mamasaurus. [ laughter ] maybe she should have released a Childrens Book instead, young yeller for instance. [ audience moaning ] kristi noem was not invited to the annual met gala last night in new york. That event is exclusively for liberal elites. The met gala is the ultrafancy Costume Party thrown each year by the editor of vogue where everyone looks like something youd see in a commercial for miraclegro. [ laughter ] many very famous people were there including zendaya, j. Lo, dua lipa. The whole thing just looks like torture. You cant even walk. Thats how we put guillermo to bed on cinco de mayo. [ laughter and applause ] this is not fashion. Its a huge happening. You know every year, these fashion correspondents come up with some dumb word they repeat over and over again. Like rocking. Shes rocking this. Moment. Obsessed. This year, the hot new red carpet word is giving. She is giving glamor, shes giving supermodel, she is giving movie star, she is giving fashion right there, she is giving elegance, movie star, drama on the carpet. She is giving supermodel right now. This is giving mother of the bride. Shes giving silhouette, giving a beautiful body. Shes giving no nothing, just white. Giving me evil Disney Princess in the best way. Its giving like easter sunday. Its also giving queen of hearts, to me. Yes. Its kind of giving poison ivy couture. Shes giving fashion, shes giving fun, shes giving major glam. Shes giving body. Ponytail, just gorgeous. Jimmy youre giving me a headache is what youre giving. [ applause ] really fighting the urge to throw up right now. [ laughter ] the theme of the met gala was sleeping beauties. Im surprised they didnt invite donald trump. Hes been sleeping in court for weeks down the block. And hes nothing if not a fashion trendsetter. This is the latest in maga wear, i dont know if youve seen diapers over dems. If you zoom in you can see shes wearing a sticker that says, real men wear diapers. [ laughter ] this seems to be an offshoot of a nickname trumps former lawyer Michael Cohen came up with, von schitzenpantz. [ laughter ] did you see this . I guess rather than fight it, theyve decided to embrace it. Which i dont think trump will like. I dont think he wants to be known as von schitzenpantz. [ laughter ] i dont know anybody who would want to be known enough enough of this schveinfoolery jimmy im sorry, who are you . Who am i . Who am i . I am Baron Gunther von schitzenpantz [ cheers and applause ] of the klagenfurt von schitzenpantzes [ in fauxgerman accent ] i come from a long line of von shitzenpantzes i vill not have, the von schitzenpantz family name dishhonered undt dishreshpected you vill sheesh and you vill deshist jimmy well, i mean, i was talking about donald trump. I didnt even know there was a von schitzenpantz family. Oh ho ho oh ho ho oh ho ho oh ho ho oh ho ho jimmy is there something you did not know that there was a von shitzenpants family. Oh zats ein gut one. What a chuckle, mr. Funnyhosen. Jimmy no, its true. I did not know there was what . The name von schitzenpantz is known around the vorld my grandfather, the great vorld var un general heinrich, big harry . Bohlshack von schitzenpantz, ring a bell . Jimmy nope. Not at all. No, no. Mein greatgreatgrandmozher vas hildegard fartnokker von schitzenpantz jimmy still doesnt ring a bell. Who later married kommisar kaamletoe of weinerschpanck . And built schools for all the little weinerschpanckers . [ laughter ] youve heard of this . Jimmy ive never heard any of them, no. What . [ in fauxgerman accent ] vell, vell, you need to brush up on your german hishtory. Jimmy i guess so, youre probably right. In ze meantime, i would appreciate it pish and posh keep the von shitzenpants name out of your farfegnugen mouth. Jimmy i apologize, i did not mean any pish good day, sir [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i did not mean any disrespect. All right, yes. We have a you know what . Thats what we call giving 110 . [ cheers and applause ] we have a fun show tonight. 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[ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, well be joined by David Beckham and chris perfetti, with music from cage the elephant. So join us for that. Our first guest tonight is a movie star, tv star, and a mans man to the point where he has the word bro right in his name. [ laughter ] his supernatural western outer range returns for a season two may 16th on prime video. Please welcome josh brolin. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its very good to see you. I want to you to know something, josh. Im not just speaking from my own point of view, but i am speaking from my own point of view. Both i and our segment producers, youre one of our favorite guests to have on the show. [ cheers and applause ] were excited to have you here. Because you never know whats going to happen. I might take off my clothes. I might not. [ laughter ] its nice to see an audience. Remember, last time i was here it was five years ago. Jimmy why, what was going on five years ago . I dont remembe