[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and they dont tweet a lot. First Lady Melania Trump gave a speech at the u. N. Today where she unveiled her Halloween Costume for this year, sexy grimace. [ cheers and applause ] during Melania Trumps u. N. Speech today she spoke out against bullying, and then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal. [ laughter and applause ] it can be very helpful. Its a helpful tool for life. [ light laughter ] during the same speech Melania Trump encouraged the next generation to live by the golden rule. Which i think she and donald take literally. [ laughter and applause ] several states are considering using paper ballots in the midst of concerns about russian interference in the 2016 election. Also considering using a paper ballot, eric trump. [ laughter and applause ] slide it under the door when youre done, father. Father, i left you a note under the door. I forgot to put my name on it father. [ laughter ] ill be out here. [ light laughter ] scientists had discovered that when male ducks congregate together their penises grow in length. Unfortunately, it only works when youre also a duck. [ laughter and applause ] Hillary Clintons new book what happened sold over 300,000 copies in its first week, making it the highest opening for a nonfiction release in five years. Though, personally id rather read this version. [ laughter and applause ] just write it. Write it. Federal prosecutors have reportedly recommended disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner serve a two Year Prison Sentence for sexting with an underage girl. Why not make it life . Said an unidentified juror. [ cheers and applause ] a leader of a polygamist sect in Salt Lake City plead guilty today to food stamp fraud as he was taken into custody, he said, dont wait for me honey, you either, or you, you too. [ audience aws ] or you, youre my favorite, youre my favorite. [ light laughter ] and finally, in a new interview, former secretary of state john kerry did not rule out running for president in 2020 because who better to lose to our worst president , then the guy who lost to our old worst president. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you tonight. Hes my old friend, hes starring in a very funny new show, on cbs me, myself and i, bobby moynihan, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] the great bobby moynihan. And man, it is always fun when you have a legend stop by your show. We have that tonight. Shes a Ground Breaking tennis champion, and the subject of the new film, battle of the sexes. Billie jean king is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] so, weve got a lot to talk about tonight. But, before we get to that, here at late night every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to my being a straight white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them, so wed like to share them with you now in a segment we call, jokes seth cant tell. [ cheers and applause ] seth these are two of our writers everybody. Thats amber and thats jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not. [ light laughter ] so heres how this works. Ill read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines, here goes. Starbucks recently hired its first black female c. O. O. Or as her coworkers call her, venti cocoa mochaccino. [ laughter and applause ] seth it was announced recently that the upcoming lesbian reboot of the show, xena Warrior Princess has been canceled. So if you want to watch a show for lesbians youll have to watch monday night football. [ laughter and applause ] seth oh dear and jenny jenny, do you like football . No, if i want to see someone wearing a bunch of pads ill go to a Natalie Merchant concert during a full moon. [ laughter and applause ] whose Natalie Merchant . Seth oh, i can take this. Shes who you played when you wanted to make out with a girl in 1993. Did it work . Yes. Seth yes. [ laughter ] former White House Communications director Anthony Scaramucci reportedly has a Minority Stake in the new york mets. Coincidentally, minority steak is what donald trump calls barbecued ribs. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter and applause ] seth San Francisco was recently named the most popular destination for gay people. While the most popular destination for closeted gay people is the vatican. Seth oh. [ audience gasps ] [ applause ] i i didnt know that. Its true. Hey, seth, you know what lesbians and nuns have in common . Seth what . Theyre lesbians. Seth huh. [ light laughter ] a rare White Lobster was caught recently in the gulf of maine. But since it was white, it got to live. [ audience gasps ] [ cheers and applause ] seth several conservatives have suggested that Hurricane Harvey was gods punishment for houston electing a lesbian mayor. Thats ridiculous. If god wanted to punish a lesbian hed make her a bridesmaid. [ laughter and applause ] seth a university of Memphis Police officer is suing the school for reverse discrimination. Reverse discrimination is like regular discrimination, except it doesnt exist. [ laughter and applause ] seth a group of parents in an Alabama School recently started a petition to have the rainbow flag outside a teachers classroom taken down, saying its the same as the confederate flag. And it is, except the gays won. [ cheers and applause ] oh oh baby hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth no i couldnt, you guys. Oh come on, just one. Seth no, i feel like if i do ill get in trouble, and it wont end well. Please, seth, please. Come on, buddy. Yeah do it do it do it seth do it seth okay [ cheers and applause ] theyre so behind me ill never lose them. [ laughter ] today was National Scotch day. Ill have two fingers, said lesbians. [ audience gasps ] seth, no seth where did all the applause go . [ light laughter ] seth seth you told me it would be okay. Very bad. Seth okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait im sorry. Let me try another one. Okay. [ light laughter ] new yorks Lincoln Center recently hosted a National Double dutch competition and the winner was, im guessing, black. [ light laughter ] how dare you . You should be ashamed of yourself. Seth well, were they . Yes, they were. Seth okay. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night everybody. [ cheers and applause ] fly me to the moon and let me play amon ding bell mnemonic mom stuffynosecold nosleep mouthbreather just put on a breathe right strip it instantly opens your nose. Up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone go to breatheright. Com today to request a free sample. With flavors youll love. Re like new savory grilled mediterranean shrimp, topped with a blend of green onions, tomatoes, and herbs. And your favorites, like garlic shrimp scampi. Nows the only time to try as much as you want, however you want em. So hurry in today. Fortyeight hours of protection. I dont have to reapply this, not once. Its really soft and almost velvety as you put it on. Thats like really soft. Try dove advanced care for softer, smoother underarms. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up to the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also ive been so excited this week, back with us on the drums, fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and fred, very exciting, you are in the new lego movie, lego ninjago. Fred yeah. Seth and this is theyve given me a lego of your character, thats cole. [ light laughter ] and that seems like a perfect lego for you to be the voice of. Fred yeah, little boom box. Seth little boom box. Fred yeah. Seth thats fantastic. And im just so impressed, because you do so many things. And considering how many things you do, it strikes me as strange, because i think you also make up things that you havent actually done. [ light laughter ] you know, i feel like thats what you do. [ laughter ] i feel like you do that, and then you try to impress people and people would be impressed enough with your actual accomplishments. Fred uhhuh. [ laughter ] seth like, for example, anyone who lives in new york right now knows that because the u. N. s in session and donald trump being here, theres been terrible traffic. And i heard you backstage telling people youve invented a new way for people to get around when theres traffic in new york. Fred yes. So, um, ive been sort of helping sell these plastic taxis that are the same size as taxis, and they look really realistic, but you can use them on the sidewalks. [ light laughter ] so seth because theyre plastic, its okay to have a full taxi on the sidewalk . [ light laughter ] fred yes. You can get away with it. So, theyre hollow, you can have a driver in it. And, you know, you just run up on to the sidewalk. [ light laughter ] you cant take any fares. You cant get any one on there. But you can rush you can actually get through the whole city really, really fast. Its got wheels. Seth does it have an engine . Is it an actual fred it has a motor. Seth okay. Fred it has a its a plastic engine. [ light laughter ] and its its almost like a bicycle in a way. So its a little bigger than a taxi and you just go on the sidewalk seth wait. Its bigger than a taxi . [ laughter ] fred fairly. Fairly larger than a taxi. Seth how many times bigger than a regularsized taxi . Fred i want to say twice as big. Seth okay. [ light laughter ] and it fits on the sidewalk . Fred yeah ish. [ light laughter ] it basically fits on the sidewalk. Seth okay, if im walking on the sidewalk and one of your plastic taxis comes up, am i happy or sad . Fred you want to move out of the way. Seth okay. [ laughter ] fred so you can just get uptown, down you want to go east side, west side seth i know the directions, yeah. Fred okay. [ light laughter ] central park, you know, Greenwich Village seth okay, we dont have to keep doing places in new york. Fred okay. Seth what is it called, this service . Fred its called the ambulance factory. [ light laughter ] seth thats a terrible name. Give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] moving on, republican california congressman Dana Rohrabacher has been staunchly defending the russian government against accusations they meddled in our election. In fact, he believes the entire trumprussia story is a farce. So what makes him so sure . Also, who the hell is Dana Rohrabacher . Its time for the checkin. [ ding ding ] [ cheers and applause ] seth now, you may have heard the news that congressman rohrabacher recently met with wikileaks founder julian assange. And then he reportedly tried to negotiate a deal with the white house to pardon assange in exchange for wikileaks handing over alleged evidence that would show that russia was not behind the hacked dnc emails. So why is rohrabacher taking this controversial stance . Well, hes been in Congress Since the late 1980s and has developed a reputation for being the most russiafriendly lawmaker, earning him the nickname putins favorite congressman. Although, i cant think of anything more haunting than Vladimir Putin saying you are my favorite. [ light laughter ] rohrabachers fascination with russia began early on and in a very strange way. In the late 1980s, he briefly went to afghanistan to spend time with local militants the mujahideen and their fight against the soviets. Yes, that is actually him right there. Rohrabacher has said it was there he realized his fight was against communism, not the russians who he came to admire. According to reports at the time, rohrabacher also got to know russian officials, including a then little know deputy mayor of st. Petersburg by the name of Vladimir Putin. Rohrabacher claims to have lost a drunken armwrestling match to putin in the early 90s at a bar in Downtown Washington after a game of touch football. That sounds like the beginning of a weekend that ends with lets never speak of this again. [ light laughter ] rohrabacher was apparently so russia friendly, that in 2012 according to reports fbi agents sat him down in the capitol and warned him that a russian spy was trying to recruit him as an agent of influence. And if youre a russian spy, rohrabacher does seem to be the perfect person to recruit. Hes a Senior Member of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs who consistently defends russia in congress. And, of course, hes convinced that the russiatrump story is all a fabrication. But before we take his word for it, lets look at what he believes about other things, like science. You know, half the world i dont know if you know this. Half the world, when they look at the moon, they see a man in the moon. But the other half of the world sees what . A rabbit in the moon. Again, i think the moon is close by and whatever we can actually get benefit out of going back there, we should. We dont know what those other cycles were caused by in the past. Could be dinosaur flatulence, you know. Or who knows . [ light laughter ] and what happened when the co2 was greater since then and now theres been many cycles of up and down warming. So with that said, i think that we weve had a great discussion today. Seth youve had a great discussion. [ light laughter ] you just basically suggested Global Warming was caused by dinosaur farts. [ laughter ] now that clip was from 2007, and rohrabacher later said that he was joking when he made that comment. But it doesnt look like hes changed his mind since then in terms of his skepticism about whether Carbon Dioxide is bad for human health. Which earned him this response from a democratic congressman. Regarding my friend from california in what he just said, if he thinks that Carbon Dioxide doesnt cause any human health problems, i invite him to put a plastic bag over his head and tie it tightly around his neck and see what happens next. [ laughter and applause ] seth now now a part of me thinks that rohrabacher may have already tried that. [ light laughter ] because it would help to explain this impromptu jam session he engaged reporters in during a tour of his office back in 2011. Over the years ive written a lot of songs that are sort of sort of political songs. You know, the sort of patriotic things and things like that. God bless america god bless our freedom and god bless the people who work every day god bless us all God Bless America the freest land of all there you go. [ light laughter ] seth would you believe hes only had negative 30 lessons . [ laughter ] look for that song on rohrabachers album, bumper stickers i saw at costco. [ laughter and applause ] seriously what is this guy smoking . Well, funny i should ask. Now, dont tell anybody i broke the law. [ light laughter ] actually, you know theyll bust down my door. You know, and take whatevers inside and use it for evidence against me. Theres definitely cannabis in there, and it makes sure that i can sleep now. Seth so much for the theory that weed helps you write great music. [ light laughter ] now rohrabacher was speaking to a group of marijuana advocates there, explaining that he had turned to medical marijuana to help with his arthritis pain. And although its legal in the state he represents, his outright admission was significant, because according to one close observer it marks the first time in at least several decades that a sitting u. S. Congressman has admitted to marijuana use while in office. So hes a weed loving, prorussia guitar player. Hes basically the guy who ruined every party i went to in college. [ laughter ] rohrabacher seems to be blazing his own trail when it comes to more than just marijuana, specifically when it comes to his dealings with russian officials and lobbyists. In fact, his story keeps overlapping with many of the key players in the current russia investigation. As the l. A. Times reported, when former Campaign Manager and current target of the mueller investigation, Paul Manafort, was working on behalf of a prorussian Ukrainian Political Party in 2013, he met with just one u. S. Politician rohrabacher. In what rohrabacher described as a nice little dinner. Somehow nice little dinner with Paul Manafort seems like mafia slang. Take him out for a nice little dinner somewhere by the river. [ light laughter ] and manaforts certainly not the only connection here. According to other reports, in april of last year, rohrabacher traveled to moscow and met with the same russian lawyer and lobbyist who we now know were at donald trump jr. s infamous meeting with Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort at trump tower last summer. Between that meeting, manafort, and his defense of assange, even some members of rohrabachers own party are wondering who hes really working for. Behind closed doors, House Majority leader Kevin Mccarthy joked, quote, theres two people i think putin pays rohrabacher and trump. Um when the comment came to light, mccarthy dismissed it as a joke. Seth and of course its a joke. There have to be at least 12 more people on putins payroll. [ light laughter ] jokes aside, the congressman should probably rely to u. S. Intelligence agencies to do their job without his interference. Because we all want america to remain whats the phrase im looking for . The freest land of all [ laughter and applause ] seth thi