Ohh, what is it gonna be . No peeking [laughs] [gasps] [all exclaim] its a boy wait, wait, wait, wait, theres Something Else in there. [exclaiming] its a girl. You tricked us. Oh, my gosh. Uhoh. Its empty. Something must have gone wrong. Wait, katie. What is that on your back . Hm . [cheers and applause] what is it . Ii cant see. I cani can [upbeat news broadcast music] hey, whats wrong . Youre making that face you make when i sing about how cute you are do you remember that girl Jessica Mancuso from high school . Uhhuh. Oh, her instagram drives me crazy. Oh, look at my cute kids, my golden retriever and my shower thats not full of dishes. Oh, i love that dog. Its a rescue. Wait, how do you know that . I follow her on instagram. Her feed is like mom porn. You go on there if you wanna see what your daughters life would be like if she listened to you. Its so. Hot. What, just because jessica moved back to new jersey . Not just new jersey, she bought the house across the street from her parents. So now stupid Barbara Mancuso gets to see her grandkids every day. Plus, she got an electric wheelchair so now she doesnt even have to use her arms. You know what . Im happy i didnt make the choices jessica made. I love my work hard play hard, but replace play hard with more work hard lifestyle. Oh who put that skelerton in my path. Ohh or that ghastly apparition . What is she doing . The nerve of these decorations oh, mom isnt crazy about halloween. She was raised Roman Catholic with a dash of old world superstition. Look, i just believe there are forces in this world that we do not understand and we shouldnt mess with them. Especially you, or your babys gonna be born with hooves. Oh, well, that would narrow down who the father is. Wait, what . Im just saying, you gotta be careful. Okay, mom. Thats good. This is not a joke, katherine. I want you to wear this cross, just to be safe. It was worn by great grandma on the titanic. She used to be great grandpa, but she wanted to get in one of the lifeboats. I have an exciting announcement to make. We are adding a new piece of technology to the breakdown. It better not be that fox nfl robot. He stole my dance. Nope. Its a geniusscreen. Look, you can pull up graphics, you can shrink and enlarge, and then when youre finished, you just circle away. It even responds to voice commands. Geniusscreen, what is 73 times 49 . 3,577. Thats correct. Fine, i dont know if its correct. Im stupid. Are you happy . Well, im not using it. Look, we are behind the times. All the top anchors use geniusscreens. Anderson cooper, wolf blitzer chuck pierce is a top anchor oh, damn it. All right, fine. Ill use it. But its not allowed to be taller than me. Hey, guys. So sorry im late. Last night, beyonces exfiance hosted a halloween seance. Excuse me, seance. Hey, portia, have any fun new york plans tonight . Not really. I have dinner at a popup sushi bar on the floor of the new york stock exchange. And then at 3 00 a. M. , im djing at club foot. And after that, ill probably go out. Oh, see, thats exactly the type of thing that i should be doing. Can i come withies . Well, my other friends are on bachelor in paradise right now and for reasons i cant get into can never come backso. Sure. [laughs] meh the senate votes tonight on the president s moon ladder bill. For a look at how the votes will fall, we turn now to our new geniusscreen. Chuck. Thank you, portia. These are the senators currently on the fence. So far so good. Rand paul is predicted to whoops. [laughs] geniusscreen, enlarge. Ggeniusscreen, enlarge. Enlarge no, not his crotch. Not so good, not so good. Circle away. Circle awa whoops, i seem to have unlocked some sort of drawing feature. Ahh geniusscreen, erase penis erase penis hold on, folks. Geniusscreen, go back in time to before this happened to me erase penis that geniusscreen made me look like an idiot. I want it gone. And you, youre probably friends with him. Maybe you just need practice. Its not about practice. The damn thing doesnt work. I think i saw a main screw fall off and roll into the sewer where nobody can get it. I bet i could get it to work. Im great at technology. Perfect. If she can get it to work, maybe she can teach you. [sighs] fine. But good luck. You cant teach an old dog new tricks. Ive been to the Sexual Harassment seminar 20 times. And i still try to kiss the makeup girl on the mouth. [club music playing] thank you. Oh, my gosh. That was so much fun i cant believe someone thought i was your sister. No, they thought you were a nun. Anyway. Okay, moment of truth. [gasps] oh, my god the photo i posted of us got 368 likes. [gasps] and jessica called me a fomo. Oh, my god. She thinks were hooking up. Wait, should me . No. Fomo stands for fear of missing out. Shes jealous of you. Yes, i am finally cool. Cowabunga well, i should call my secret rich person uber that comes immediately. Portia, thanks so much for tonight. How much do i owe you . Aw, you can get it to me tomorrow. Its eleven fifty. Oh, wow. Its only eleven dollars and fifty cents. What are cents . Ohh, god. Its time to stack the savings. Take 50 off hundreds of select items storewide. Plus take an extra 20 off. Plus take an extra 10 off when you spend 50 or more. Plus get kohls cash. Plus yes2you members earn triple points. Only at kohls. Try revitalift triple power antifrom loreal. I have more confidence. My coworkers were like, your skin looks great revitalift triple power visibly reduces wrinkles, refirms and smooths texture in one week. Guaranteed, or your money back. From loreal paris. Introducing new Dunkin Donuts Cold Brew Coffee packs. Its delicious craft coffee, as easy as 123. And its now available where you buy groceries. Score bigour plans start at only 30 month. Weve got more 4g lte coverage than tmobile or sprint. And if you switch now, you can get a brand new smartphone for free. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. [ joe cocke s with a little help from my friends ] vw drivers have always put others first. Now were returning the favor, with the people first warranty. Americas best bumpertobumper limited warranty. Why are you wearing is it another eclipse . I cant bear it. They make me so cold. I went out with portia last night. Till 5 00 a. M. But now my instagram is blowing up. Look oh, i cant see it. Someone named jessica just posted a new picture. What . She did . She seems to have accidentally knitted her children matching sweaters. Ooh, i like that quite a bit. No, greg dont like it shes just doing this to oneup me. Oh, my god. What are you going to do . And who is going to care . Mm. Portia are you going out again tonight . [scoffs] do i breathe . No, i take a onceaday pill so i dont have to. But yes, im going out. Okay. See, chuck, it does work. You just have to click and drag. Now lets try it together. Oh. I dont know. Come on. Okay. Uhhahh there you go. Okay, im gonna let you go. No, dont let go, carol dont let go. Dont you dare let go. Oh, my god you let go and im doing it. [laughs] now im going too fast oh, no [thud] ah, i skinned my knee oh, its okay, chuck. Being scared is nothing to be ashamed of. Im not scared. That stupid piece of junk just does whatever it wants, anyway. The damn things possessed. Chuck dont even joke about anything like that. Especially this time of year hang on, you cant seriously believe this screen could be possessed. Im just saying, the devil takes many forms. Especially in physical objects. Thats why this pope is so good, because he believes in real stuff like exorcisms and not saying candyman [gasps] thats one. Candyman . Oh whats candyman . Thats three what have you done . [screams] carol . [screaming in distance] hey, youre good with computers, right . Sure. My therapist says i relate better to computers than i do people. Probably because im not afraid theyll abandon me like my dad. Shut up and focus or im out of here. I need your help with the geniusscreen. You want me to teach you how to use it . No. I wanna get out of using it by driving an old woman insane. [dramatic sting] [club music] yeah, hi, i need to make some Monthly Budget cuts and i read that cronket wireless has the cheapest phone plans. Ahoh, sorry. Youre breaking up. Yeah, yeah i can hold while you stand closer to a lightning rod. [laptop chimes] hey, lady hey, girl. Oh, this is so embarrassing. You caught me carving pumpkins with the kids. [laughs] how is that embarrassing . And also, you called me. [laughs] our life is such a mess, but its ours. Anyway, im loving your insta lately. Looks like you really are living the dream. Suddenly after we spoke about it. No, iveive always been this cool. Hey, if you dont have any halloween plans, we do a little thing at our house. Well, i do have plans, um, with portia. Really . Because portia just tweeted that shes going to jaden and willow smiths halloween extravaganza. That is. Correct. I will be going to whatever you just said. Anyway, if you dont wind up going cause youre lying, youre welcome here. The kids just love their aunt katie. They pray for you every night. Thats really sweet. I dont need their prayers, though cause im doing really, really great. Hey katie, i know you said you didnt have money for lunch this morning dontdont talk but someone left this burrito on the toilet. Shh. You want it . Hey, portia, i need to go to that Halloween Party with you. Ugh, this partys not for you, katie. You have to have an expensive, oneofakind costume. Last year, Ariana Grande went as the statue of liberty actual size. There were immigrants inside of her. I promise. My costumes gonna be just as good as yours. Oh. This isnt my costume. This is my costume. Katie, youre trying to have a life that does not belong to you. Like dr. Faustus, my gynecologist who turned out to be andy dick doing a prank. Turn back, before its too late no. Im going to that party and we are taking a selfie together. Sure, whatevs. That one. This. That one. Gun to campus. Police say he was seen in the bathroom holding the weapon and ammunition. No one was hurt. It s the 4th time this week a gun has been found on a local school campus. And a warning to north bay fire victims fema says fire victims are having their identies stolen and used to get financial assistance. The story on our homepage. Back in an hour. Now thisll be really scary, right . Like the time i was naked and i looked at a mirror on the floor. Yeah. You sure you wanna do this . Carols, like, your friend. Shes coming get out of here go on i owe you nothing [vocalizing] carol. Im ready to get started. Well, now thats the attitude im looking for. Ahh holy god ah. No carol [echoing] what do you want . carol [echoing] help help in conclusion, the genius screen has been possessed by the dark lord satan. I consulted father kevin and he said all we needed to do is perform an exorcism and then bury its remains in a sacred tomb underneath damascus. Were not doing that. But greg, its really haunted. Im scared. So just to be clear, chuck, your story is the screen worked fine then you embarrassed yourself on National Television then real quick, a demon got in it. Yes, thats it. I guess the only thing to do now is to get rid of it. Fine. You win. Yes [laughs] i mean, damn it i love that screen like a brother. Hello, there. Sorry, katie, im on my break. How did you know my name was katie . Girl, youre all named katie. Please, please, wait. I need a spectacular, oneofakind Halloween Costume to show up some dumb jersey bitches. Intrigued. This is all the cash i have. What can i get for 103 . Girl, for 103, hm i can give you the world. [upbeat music] behold, my masterpiece. Hey. This sucks. Im not buying this. No, too late, girl. I already threw your clothes away. Ugh. Wait, what about that . Well, thats not 103. Would this settle the debt . Why, yes, my dear. I believe that would. Girl, this is a party city. Go to the pawn shop, get cash and come back. [sighs] i dont care what anyone says. Tonight is gonna be a magical night. Oh, ew. Six times surge pricing. No thanks. [gasps] i bet the bus is fun on halloween. [exhales] keep it down back there, im trying to make toilet. [baby crying] bus is so hot. Well, im not turning off my toaster oven. Im cooking a strudel. Ugh, stupid cronket wireless. [brakes screech] whoa my soup ohh. Now what am i supposed to give the trickortreaters . Uhh stupid new york city i mean, boy, i love this town. [moaning] whos there . If youre an intruder, i have a gun. And dont try taking it and using it on me because it doesnt work. [moaning] [eerie music] what the hell . Oh. [laughs] its you, geniusscreen. You scared me. Well, goodbye. Carol. Oh, give it a rest if you expect me to feel guilty, you really are possessed. Carol. I know shes my friend. But its her job to solve my problems and she did that by being terrified. It doesnt mean im a bad guy. Im good carol. Im good and cool. Would you like to restart . Of course i wanna restart. I wanna go back to before. Before i was a heartless monster who tricked old simpletons for his own gain. I wanna be a boy again. Back in nebraska, discovering my body in the corn fields. Oh, take me back, geniusscreen. Take me back, take me back. Take me back. [club music] [horns honking] ah im moving now hi. [clears throat] how are you . Katie wendelson. Im on the list. I cant let you in. I have a daughter so it hurts me to say this, but you are very ugly and extremely disgusting. No, please. I need to get inside, okay . Even if its just for one picture. The answers still no. May god have mercy on your soul. Excuse me. Excuse me [groaning] theres something in the bushes. What is it . Its some kind of creature. Ahh only fire will kill it oh. [laughs] what are you guys looking at . Katie . Portia, portia, i dont have a lot of time. We have to take a selfie before they kick me out. [camera shutter clicks] [sighs] chilling with my girl, portiascottgriffith newyork iprovedit and send i cant post it. This was all for nothing. All because of cronket wireless. Cronket wireless. Cronket wireless cronket wireless okay, here we go. Score bigour plans start at only 30 month. Weve got more 4g lte coverage than tmobile or sprint. And if you switch now, you can get a brand new smartphone for free. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. Hi, im mindy kearns. Its great nice to meet you too. Your parents have been talking about you for years. Sorry about that. Theyre all about me saving for a house, or starting a college fund for my son. Actually, i want to know what youre thinking. Have a seat. Knowing that the most important goals are yours. Multiplied by 14,000 financial advisors, its a big deal. And its how edward jones makes sense of investing. Its time to stack the savings. Take 50 off hundreds of select items storewide. Plus take an extra 20 off. Plus take an extra 10 off when you spend 50 or more. Plus get kohls cash. Plus yes2you members earn triple points. Only at kohls. cheering a triangle solo . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money sam and yohanna saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Carol. You haveth no power here. I want you to know that im sorry. Whateth . And im sorry, too. The screens not possessed. I had justin program it to scare you. Because i didnt want to learn how to use it. So i taught it to apologize. You did what . Oh, look. Ii guess the real demon here real . Where . A metaphor, carol. Metaphor, is that its name . Metaphor, be gone you are not welcome here carol, im saying, my own insecurities and yes, fears made me do something bad to a nice lady. And im sorry. I suppose i could forgive you. The funny thing is, in order for you to apologize, you actually taught yourself how to use that thing. Huh. I guess i did. Hey, genius screen. Lets take a picture of this touching moment. [camera shutter clicks] jessica, jessica, jessica. Katie [gasps] oh, god, i summoned it. Hey, sweetie, here you go. I made it from scratch. The soup and the tureen. Yeah, when you didnt post anything last night, i said to the hubs, katie must be sick. I mean, why else would you not have instad from that party . [scoffs] you know what . I give up. All that stuff i posted on instagram was just to try to prove to you and to my mother and to myself that i made good choices. But you know what . I guess i didnt. The closest i ever got to the sex and the city lifestyle was going on one date with a man named mr. Pig. Okay . Are you happy . Katie, nobodys life is perfect. Look at mine. I mean, between taking care of my three adorable children, grayson, mason and my unborn gay son gayson, i barely have time to keep my hair looking like this. Um, am i at madonnas Birthday Party back when she was dating that matador . Because i smell bullcrap. You think that this lady is better than you because of her instagram feed . Okay, this picture of her kids is photoshopped. The shadows are on different sides of everyones faces. Uh notuh. Come on, what do you know . Literally only this. And they didnt take that vacation to mykonos. She and her husband put their heads through cardboard cutouts at the jersey shore. See, the sun has cool sunglasses on. I shouldve noticed that. And this marriage has problems. Okay, lets not bring the hubs into this. Look behind her hand. Its a knife handle. She photoshopped out the blade. The only way that she could get him to smile in a picture next to her, is by holding a knife to his throat. Oh, god, jessica. Is this true . True . Uhh oh, youyou think i know what true means anymore. [laughs] i stare at instagram for 19 hours a day. Oh yeah, you know why i call my husband the hubs . Its because when i try to say [gagging] kylei throw up in my mouth. So are you happy now, katie . You already have the cool career and the apartment in the village and the famous friends. No wonder my mother is jealous of your mother. Hey, jessica. Comparison is the thief of joy. But do send barbara my regards. In hell. Uhuhh hey, i was just wondering if you guys take returns for gently destroyed costumes. I just bought it yesterday from ricard. Ricard . Thats impossible. Hes been dead for 30 years. [spooky music] it was on halloween night, in fact. Some say you can still hear okay, but do you guys take returns . Yes, but only for store credit. [screams] hope got into a little bit of i didnt steal any money. She explained it all to me. Small town drama. What did hq say about those oxygen bottles . I called and left a message this morning, but i think i might have the wrong number. Yeah, you have an explanation for all of it. Congratulations, captain casey. [applause] starting immediately captain casey will be your goto for all personnelrelated issues. Chief told me hed back you up if you wanted to make captain yourself. Im in no rush. Impressive stack of forms on your desk. You having a paper drive . Thats the paperwork i get to deal with thanks to these. I was thinking of giving up bacon for health reasons, but trudy has two rules for men. No cats, and no vegetarians. Id add sandals to that list
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