Transcripts For KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon July 14, 2024

[ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much. Hello, everybody hey. [ cheers and applause welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome what a show we have tonight. Madonna is in the house, tonight. [ cheers and applause welcome. Have a seat. Relax. Guys, tomorrow is the official start of summer. [ cheers and applause excited. Im excited. Im very excited, but my legs are still so pale. Steve really [ laughter ] jimmy they are so white, i mean, ive nicknamed them utah and npr. I mean [ laughter ] my legs are so white they could have their own show on fox news steve really jimmy yeah, absolutely [ laughter ] lets get to lets get to some news here the big story now is iran. Yeah, apparently this morning iran shot down a u. S. Drone. When they told the president he was like, oh, my god. They got mike pence . They go, no, no [ laughter ] that drone that drone is fine that drone is fine no. Thats right iran shot down an unmanned drone. They said they wanted to send america a clear message. But trump was like, everyone knows if you want to send the u. S. A message, you do it on twitter [ laughter ] everyone knows that. Big ratings. Wall. [ applause ] its getting serious though. An iranian general named hossein salami said, theyre ready for war. [ light laughter ] trumps already got troops in turkey ready for action, but putins warning the white house against the conflict so if youre keeping track, weve got salami and turkey on white, hold the russian. [ laughter and applause youre welcome, america. [ applause ] well, in the oval office today, trump talked about what happened, and he had a very interesting theory about who was responsible. Check it out i find it hard to believe it was intentional, if you want to know the truth i think that it could have been somebody who was loose and stupid [ laughter ] jimmy then he was like, the only way to fight loose and stupid is with tight and genius. [ laughter ] when they heard trump say loose and stupid, eric and don junior kramered into the oval office and said, you asked for us dad . [ laughter ] giddy up [ cheers and applause loose and stupid duh, yeah. [ applause ] later, reporters asked trump if the u. S. Is gonna strike back at iran, and trump said, youll soon find out. Ooh. Thats reassuring. The president is treating war with iran like a cliffhanger on the bachelorette. [ laughter ] its like, were gonna find out when we come back. I saw last night, trump called into Sean Hannity Show on fox news, and at the end of the show, after the president had talked for 45 minutes, hannity had a little trouble getting him off the phone. Watch this i want to get along with china, and i think we will im meeting actually both of them next week in japan and let me, mr. President i think its important that the United States gets along you know, the United States was paying for nato. Mr. President you had a lot of countries that were delinquent i think were gonna have a mr. President i hope were gonna have a a good relationship, but were a very i want to strong country again. [ laughter ] jimmy mr. President. Sorry, sir the show is going through a tunnel were losing you [ laughter ] it continued till 3 00 in the morning. I was up late that steve really jimmy watch what i saw last night. Whats happened to the democrats, and in the meantime [ laughter ] jimmy hes still talking he cant stop talking. Steve wow. [ applause ] jimmy he wouldnt stop [ applause ] speaking of the president , i saw that hes on the cover of the newest issue of Time Magazine here it is it says, my whole life is a a bet. Better than the other headline they considered, heres me, and everyone who still works at the white house. Steve wow. [ laughter ] jimmy and finally, this is very interesting a Police Department in california just unveiled the new addition to its force. Take a look. The city of Huntington Park deploying its very own robotic officer to monitor public outdoor areas like parks [ light laughter ] jimmy actually actually it talks too, the robot can say freeze, and please stop throwing trash in me. [ laughter and applause its a its a trashcan. We have a great show tonight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause jimmy everybody, it is time for tonight show hashtags. Steve oh [ cheers and applause Hashtag Hashtag jimmy we do this thing every week where i send out a hashtag, and we ask you guys to respond to that topic its Summer Wedding season so i sent out a hashtag called, wedding fail i asked you guys to send us funny or embarrassing things that happened at a wedding that you were at. And it was one of the most popular hashtags ever. Steve really jimmy it was a top trending topic in the u. S steve oh jimmy it was [ applause ] a twitter moment one tweet one tweet even got 100,000 likes. Steve wow. Jimmy yeah so thank you for playing along it was pretty cool [ cheers and applause now i thought id share some of my favorite wedding fails from you guys this first one is from jwiederspan steve yeah jimmy she says, went to a a wedding reception a couple of years ago, and the dj played only karaoke versions of songs he sang the vocals for every song. [ audience aws ] steve oh, oh jimmy wow. That is awful. Steve oh my god. Jimmy that is a nightmare. This songs a little bit out of my range, but im gonna try it anyway all by myself steve father and daughter dance. [ laughter ] i remember one time at a a wedding, my friend rob and denise family friends, we went to this wedding my moms always will get in trouble dude, wherever we went she was just a magnet for making trouble, and she kind of had like bad bad knees or something. So she kind of like walked like a little kind of like ozzy osbourne. [ laughter ] and so we went to this wedding, and what theyre about to were at the reception theyre about to announce the wedding party. You know, and then the bride and groom and mom goes, i got to go to the bathroom. [ light laughter ] i go, dont do it now why would you do it now . Wait till they introduce everybody. Just hold it for 10 minutes, and then go. She goes, i got to go now. [ light laughter ] i go, all right just do it quick before cause they havent introduced she goes, okay. Shes walking to the bathroom. [ light laughter ] yeah and im like, oh man theres no way shes going to make it. You know so, shes in there and my me and my dad are waiting for her to come out and like and all of the sudden, they start putting smoke machines [ light laughter ] so this is a nightmare for my mother shes this is like, shes gonna come out of the bathroom like, what happened . Like this. [ laughter ] so, smoke machine, laser beams, like, all right everybody. Put your hands together. Were gonna get this party started. Give it up for the bridesmaid you know, give it up for the best man, and then they go, here they are the husband and wife, robert and denise daniel. And my mom comes walking through the fog. [ laughter ] what im like, gloria. Mom. Get over here. What are [ applause ] unbelievable person. Steve the toilet broke [ laughter ] jimmy she had no idea where she was, and what is happening laser beams. All right, this one is from yourbizsucks. Steve ooh, wow jimmy wow. He says, i was best man at my friends second wedding. I started my speech with, welcome back, everyone. steve oh [ laughter and applause yes. Jimmy he was not happy steve oh, oh jimmy i think thats funny steve round two. Threes the charm. Jimmy this one is from patrickneville. He says, i thought i was making a calm composed face at my as my wife came down the aisle. I found out this was the face i made. Look at this photo [ laughter and applause steve oh my oh my god jimmy hes like steve wow. Jimmy this ones from sdsmith987. She says, my motherinlaw brought platters of food to my catered wedding reception so their side of the family would have something to eat that they like. [ audience oohs steve oh jimmy wow. Strong move on the motherinlaw. Steve wow. That they like jimmy strong move. Yeah th is something we like. Steve we like. We like to eat food we like. I mean, you can eat your garbage food jimmy this one is from lifealertme he says, i danced so hard i ripped my pants. Look at the photo. Steve wow. Jimmy wow. [ audience oohs [ applause ] steve wow. I hope that i hope thats [ laughter ] that was underwear we saw. Jimmy oh yeah. [ laughter ] this ones from beerstat. He says, i went to a wedding at a farm. The ceremony was completely drowned out by the sound of a cow giving birthn a nearby shed. [ laughter ] well, the beauty of nature steve oh jimmy oh [ laughter ] steve do you take [ mooing ] jimmy oh steve push, bessie push [ laughter ] jimmy push, bessie oh, my god [ mooing ] [ laughter ] jimmy thanks goodness we took her we did those steve yeah jimmy this ones from acampisi. She says, all three of the grandmothers unexpectedly showed up to the wedding in the exact same dress. Look at this steve oh [ audience oohs [ applause ] jimmy i love the claps in this steve yeah [ clapping ] jimmy in the exact same dress. [ laughter ] thats pretty classic. This one is called i am ish ish one. She says, i went to a beach wedding in florida a seagull flew by, and dropped a fish head on the mother of the bride. [ audience oohs steve oh oh jimmy nothing like, a fish head steve a fish head. Jimmy oh my gosh steve oh god jimmy this one is classic. This ones from amypennza she says, my motherinlaw wore a Wedding Dress to my wedding. So, yeah. Top that one, twitter. Look at this she wore a Wedding Dress steve oh [ laughter and applause jimmy come on. Steve come on. Jimmy come on. Steve you cant do that. Jimmy come on, that is unbelievable there you have it. Those are our tonight show hashtags [ cheers and applause to check out more of our favorites go to tonightshow. Com hashtag. Stick around well be right back with madonna. [ cheers and applause this is the ocean. Just listen. vo theres so much we want to show her. We needed a car that would last long enough to see it all. avo subaru outback. Ninety eight percent are still on the road after 10 years. Come on mom, lets go so recently my sons band was signed by a record label. While were on the road, i can keep my parents in the loop with the whole facetime thing. I created a rockstar. vo the network more people rely on, gives you more. Like great deals on the best devices. Thats verizon. Come on. Come on. 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Plus ask how to get 250 back when you switch to xfinity mobile. [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back, everybody. Were about to play a brand new game that combines the fun of dancing with the spectacle of jumpsuits that glow in the dark it is time for a neon dance battle. Neon dance battle neon dance battle jimmy and before we start, im going to need a competitor and she is no stranger to dancing. She is a music icon, and her new album, madame x, is in stores now ladies and gentlemen, give it up for madonna [ cheers and applause neon dance battle neon dance battle jimmy oh my goodness come on. Neon dance battle neon dance battle [ cheers and applause jimmy thats [ cheers and applause all right, all right, all right. All right, all right i know, i know its madonna who wants jimmy all right, heres how this works im going to heres how it works. Jimmy people are freaking out right now. The roots are going to play us a beat, and madonna and i will take turns showing off our best dance moves. Madonna, since youre madonna [ laughter ] why dont you go first all right jimmy you ready for this yeah. Jimmy yeah, cool all right. Dim the lights roots. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh my goodness oh my. Come on. [ cheers and applause why am i even thank you jimmy why am i even trying you know what, youve got to always aim jimmy look at me my suit doesnt even light up. This is embarrassing come on. Is that true . Jimmy yeah is mine going to light up, or what do i do all right, here we go. I cant see this all right, here we go. All right. Dim the lights whenever youre ready. I want to try something. Good luck [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause yes dont hurt yourself. Did you hurt yourself . Jimmy i think i pulled something. His grandpa moves you like his grandpa moves jimmy i pulled something, all right. Yeah. Jimmy madonna, you are up again. Here we go [ cheers and applause questlove one, two, three. [ cheers ] [ cheers and applause jimmy come on thats not fair. All right. I got to top i got to top i got to top here we go oh, oh, ooh. All right. Wait what do i do okay im going to jimmy i know i think i know okay, ready, okay. Ready. Here we go ready, all right roots. Questlove one, two, three, four [ cheers and applause that was not bad. Jimmy i did pull something there. Yeah, that was a game changer. Jimmy that was a game changer, really. All right, this last one here. Lets do this. Maybe, should we maybe do it together [ cheers and applause no, oh no. Oh, should i do jimmy yeah, lets do it. Yeah . Jimmy lets do it together yeah okay. Jimmy ill follow your lead okay. Jimmy i mean, im honored. Lets do this last one together here we go okay i hope you stretched out your hamstring [ light laughter ] come over here it requires looseness. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is a shes a legend [ cheers and applause she has won multiple grammys has sold hundreds of millions of albums. She just released her 14th studio album called madame x. Please help me welcome the one, the only, madonna. [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Welcome. We love you. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you jimmy thank you for coming back im overdressed jimmy you look gorgeous. No, you come on i had to recover from what you just made me do. Jimmy dude, you crushed me at the dance battle. I did im sorry. [ laughter ] jimmy im still i wish we had more time though i think we were starting to get into a flow. Jimmy we almost did the i was going to do an elliptical dance. Yeah. Jimmy which is an idea i had where i lay on the floor, and i lift my legs up, and then you and i sit on your hands [ laughter ] hes very strong, by the way actually we practiced it, and then it never made the cut jimmy yeah, i think it was too much for tv. [ laughter ] i disagree. Jimmy it was too [ light laughter ] it was too hot nothings too hot jimmy too hot for tv, man. I mean we could try there are so many ways to burn calories. Jimmy yeah [ laughter ] are you mad at me questlove no oh. Cause when we were dancing earlier, you looked like you were mad at me questlove i was serious. Okay, i thought i was thinking maybe you didnt like my dance moves or something. Jimmy no, really yeah. Madame x is very sensitive jimmy no [ laughter ] questlove i just a lot of people think the roots are judging them sometimes. Yeah, you seem grumpy i thought maybe [ laughter ] jimmy i mean its possible. I mean, its possible that he had a bad day, but i think he was happy. [ laughter ] youre in a good mood, right questlove yeah well talk about it later, okay questlove greatest day ever jimmy yeah, he had the greatest okay. Did you like my dancing. Questlove yeah, i loved your dancing do you think its better than his [ laughter ] okay, never mind actually hes your physical comedy is unparalleled jimmy thats what you call my dancing, physical comedy . Yes, yes. [ laughter ] jimmy unbelievable wow. But a good comedian has to be able to dance jimmy yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. And you you know i do need a new hairstylist but thats another story [ audience oohs okay its not gonna be a roast jimmy. Jimmy this is i just go this off of amazon were here to talk about jimmy it looks real. [ laughter ] and it stays on for the weekend. Oh, no, i love the rockabilly thing jimmy thank you, i appreciate it. Yeah, it is like going with your macho butch facial hair. Jimmy see, i do this for edge, you know yeah. Thats what madame x is all about. Jimmy yeah by the way, lets talk about madame x for one second, please congrats on this record. This is your 14th studio album number one in 60 countries are you joking [ cheers and applause 60 number ones in 60 countries it never no. Its im shocked and grateful and it never gets old its like the first time every time jimmy is really is, right . Yeah. Jimmy but, i mean, its not like like, youre madonna its bigger than just america. Its international youre global. Youre i mean, this is the number one album in space. [ laughter ] right now on mars, its

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