[ light laughter ] probrexit politician Boris Johnson was officially elected today to become the uks next prime minister. Great. In 70 years, the uk has gone from Winston Churchill to a roady for spinal tap [ light laughter ] President Trump continued his attacks on minority congresswomen today tweeting the quote, aoc plus three are a nightmare for america. Although technically for trump, anything that involves math is a nightmare. [ laughter and applause aoc plus three, how do you how do you add letters to a number . Several bars in washington, d. C. Will open early tomorrow so people can watch special counsel Robert Muellers congressional testimony. So by dinnertime, youll be just like the mueller report, mostly blacked out. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new poll, despite senator Elizabeth Warren having a 67 approval rating, just 4 of voters say they see her as likable. Now, lets see what happens when we change her name to Warren Elizabeth oh [ laughter ] okay thats very interesting. The fda has released a new antiteen vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns ecigarettes into traditional cigarettes because if theres one group of people teens will definitely listen to, its street magicians. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause macys is being accused of fat shaming customers after its Flagship Store in manhattan began selling plates with marked rings indicating serving sizes with names like mom jeans, favorite jeans, and skinny jeans, not to mention this giant tub that says dad jeans. [ laughter and applause according to new data, the highest paying job on average in new york is anesthesiologist because its the state with the highest concentration of people who dont want to feel anything. [ light laughter ] producers at Warner Brothers have struck a deal with coffee bean and tea leaf to offer special items based on characters from the sitcom friends including the joey, which is a mango cold brewed tea, the rachel, which is a mata latte, and the ross which is the bathroom key [ laughter and applause thats right, producers have struck a deal with coffee bean to offer special items based on the characters from friends. Unfortunately, they have nothing for you if you take your coffee black. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight [ cheers and applause no, no, thats the right order well do bathroom key then well kill them with the black joke. [ light laughter ] no, you dont want to flip it. [ light laughter ] hes a former representative from texas and a current 2020 president ial candidate beto orourke is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause you can see her in the new movie, good boys, opening in theaters on august 16th. Our friend, retta, is back, everyone [ cheers and applause were always so happy to see her. And you can see her in the dramatic new hbo series, euphoria. Hunter schafer is joining us tonight. So its a great show [ cheers and applause before we get to any of that, a kansas city moms car was stolen at a gas station recently, so she tracked the thief down and stole it back. [ light laughter ] which brings us to a segment called, the kind of story we need right now. [ cheers and applause seth this is Danielle Reno a couple weeks ago she pulled into a gas station, got out of her car, and when she did, someone else jumped in it and drove away so she did what any normal person would do. She filed a Police Report and then in a move that can only be described as abnormal, she hunted the car down herself. Danielles cell phone and wallet were still in the car, so she started tracking the thiefs location on the phones gps and crossreferencing that with charges the thief was making on her credit card. This is the kind of story we need right now while the rest of u. S. Well the rest of us, excuse me, are watching the news every day feeling helpless, this woman watched taken and was like, i can do that. [ laughter ] but for my car. [ applause ] so what happened next . Danielle showed up at each of the stores where the thief had used her credit card, talked to employees and looked for clues to be clear, this woman has no previous Law Enforcement experience shes just a mom trying to get to the bottom of a crime and if youve ever come home after curfew smelling like weed, you know moms solve crimes [ cheers and applause it is too bad. It is too bad. Shes not a detective because Danielle Reno is a kickass detective name Danielle Reno sounds like the main character on a show on tnt. [ laughter ] so finally, after two days of intense Mariska Hargitay role playing, danielle had a break in the case she showed up to a different gas station where the thief had recently used her card and learned that he had just missed them but one of the gas station attendants had overheard the thief making plans to have lunch at applebees. Because even criminals in your neighborhood like to eat good. [ light laughter ] also i guess the lesson here is if youre doing something shady at a gas station, whisper, because it turns out the gas station attendants are listening to you [ light laughter ] so danielle was off to applebees but because this story takes place in america, her hometown has multiple applebees. So she and her friends split up and each went to a different location to wait this is the kind of story we need right now nothing this cool ever happens at applebees. Only two things ever happen there, coworkers birthdays and custody handoffs [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] also, how cool is it to be friends with Danielle Reno most moms call you and invite you to book club danielles like, are you free for a stakeout [ laughter ] so danielles chilling in a booth lying in wait probably sipping on Something Like this when the thief walks in. Danielle walks out, finds her car in the parking lot and drives away because you know mom has a spare key. Then [ cheers and applause then she called the police, but not before livestreaming her victory on facebook. Oh, my god. So before i call the cops, i wanted to show you guys what i just found by doing our own stalking. And i am going to pull into this parking lot and call 911 shes about to get her ass arrested because we [ bleep found her. [ cheers and applause seth now, i know i know [ cheers and applause youre not supposed to use the phone while youre driving but i think we can make an exception when the driver is actively solving a crime [ light laughter ] maam, you wanna tell me what youre doing driving while on your phone . Yeah. Your job. [ laughter ] danielle called the cops they arrested the thief and she got her car back plus, her show got greenlit for season two [ light laughter ] these days, the world is full of people committing crimes and getting away with it so, thank you, Danielle Reno, for catching at least one of them, because this is the kind of story we need right now [ cheers and applause well be right back with beto orourke, everybody [ cheers and applause this is a surface laptop 2. And this is a real person named mackenzie book. Hi, im mac book. So mac, which laptop lasts longer . Surface laptop lasts longer. Hmm, interesting. And which ones faster . This ones faster. Really . Amazing. Which one has a better touchscreen . The surface has a better touchscreen. Because it actually has a touchscreen. Oh, right. Macs dont have touchscreens. You should get a surface. Trust me, im mac book. Well, there you have it. Mac book says, get a surface. woman banjo . man hey go home. woman banjo hi. I was so worried. Sorry, it wont happen again. man go get it there ya go. woman come on, lets go home. woman vo after 10 years, weve covered a lot of miles. Good thing i got a subaru. man looks like you got out again, huh, banjo. avo love is out there. Find it in a subaru crosstrek. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. [ cheers and applause seth welcome back, everybody. And give it up for the 8g band right over there [ cheers and applause also, so happy that fred is back with us this week. How are you, fred . Fred really good, how are you doing . Seth im wonderful and, fred, its so great having you around i dont think people fully appreciate what a learning experience is having you as a friend, because youre a renaissance man. A comedian, a musician, a writer but one thing people dont know about you, and i did not even know about you til you brought up recently is that you are an art connoisseur fred yeah. Seth and [ laughter ] you were saying backstage you have an art historians knowledge of every painting ever painted. Fred every painting. Yeah [ laughter ] seth this isnt just something you made up to impress me this is a real thing fred its real [ laughter ] seth and so if i test it right now, this wont be a situation where were both embarrassed at the end of it no, please test me. Seth okay. [ laughter ] time once again for the segment called fred armisen art aficionado. [ cheers and applause seth fred, this is renoirs masterpiece girls at the piano. Tell us everything you, an art historian, knows about this classic painting fred oh, yes [ laughter ] yes, yes, yes. Well, its one of the first paintings made partially with mustard. [ laughter ] he used a bunch of mustard for the yellows. [ laughter ] and it was really, you know, the reaction now we accept it like, okay, we see that its two people, you know, playing piano and reading notes. But at the time, this was very shocking its a very shocking [ laughter ] anything depicting Musical Instruments and people playing instruments was very shocking at the time [ laughter ] so people seth so obviously people had pianos at the time, right . Fred yeah, but they werent depicted seth oh. [ laughter ] fred you know, we take it for granted now but people so when they debuted this, people just fainted and they just [ laughter ] seth was there, like, a show, was there, like a i dont know, how did art work in the day like, how did you first show a painting to people fred it was in sort of a glass gallery. And they would show it there, it was, like, just the one painting and they would sort of unveil it and people just fainted. They would see it and like [ laughter ] you know, especially because theyre facing one direction, you see them, theyre facing left that was a huge shock. At the time, paintings were [ laughter ] they were all straighton and they were just people. Seth oh. So they were not even accustomed to paintings where people werent making eye contact with the painter . Fred which is what made him a genius it was profiles. Finally in art, there were profiles seth wow, so this was sort of a doublebarreled blow to people that it was both a piano depicted and profiles. Fred yes, and also the use of mustard seth yeah. Now, the mustard seems to have kept over the years pretty well. Fred i think so, too [ laughter ] seth give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause our first guest tonight represented texas 16th Congressional District and was a 2018 senate candidate. Hes now a democratic candidate for president. Please welcome to the show beto orourke. [ cheers and applause seth how are you im im great. I [ cheers and applause yeah seth very happy youre here. I just met fred armisen seth yeah. Backstage before the show started. And always been a huge fan of his. Including a cover that he did of the clashs cover, police on my back which just blew my mind when i saw on youtube. So, honored to be with you, fred yeah seth yeah, so you and this is a real thing about you that you are a great lover of punk rock. You were in the 90s a punk rocker fair to say . Id like to think somewhere inside i still am. Seth yeah. Seth, yeah. [ laughter ] seth do you think the punk rocker that is still inside you is surprised that you, the outside you, is running for president . [ laughter ] yeah. Maybe just a little bit, but ill tell you, this campaign at its best has a doityourself ethic and spirit we dont take a dime from a single Political Action committee or corporation or special interest or lobbyist its all people, all the time, driving from one town to the next, showing up, telling our story but listening to the stories of others. Which was kind of like touring in a punk rock band in the 1990s [ laughter ] a little bit seth yeah. Yeah. Seth probably a nicer car situation. Yes, yeah [ laughter ] we were touring in a we called it the lumber wagon it was a Station Wagon with four guys, our amps, the drum kit and maybe one change of clothes per person seth yeah. [ laughter ] and then on the road for the entire summer, but one of the best ways to spend that part of our lives, and its still with me its still with me seth thats fantastic. I also want to ask, you were in brooklyn last night doing an event. You used to live in brooklyn yeah. Seth is this a true story that you had a trampoline yeah. Seth on your roof that you got from busta rhymes . So [ laughter ] [ cheers ] seth and now, again, i by the way, i get that this is a thing that a lot of candidates have [ laughter ] yeah. The answer is yes. So a roommate of ours, it was either dylan or stephan was working on the set of a busta rhymes video seth uhhuh. Somehow came home with a trampoline and then managed to assemble it on the roof of the building that we were living in on wallabout street in williamsburg in 1996 and it doesnt sound like the safest thing in the world but here we were jumping on a trampoline on the top of a building everyone survived. Seth im sure by the way, im sure busta rhymes checked it to make sure its safe [ laughter ] totally seth i mea if youre going to get one that you can trust for safety, thats it [ laughter ] busta rhymes, every time. Seth i want to ask, because were coming up next week, another round of these debates ten candidates two different nights it does seem like one of the hardest parts is sort of differentiating yourself from other candidates with whom you share a lot. Obviously. You ran against ted cruz in a senate campaign. Do you ever miss how easy it was to be different from ted cruz . [ laughter and applause where is ted cruz when you need him seth yeah, exactly [ laughter ] you know what seth very rarely uttered, and yet, here we are yeah [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause true. You know, what was so great about that campaign in texas, beyond getting a chance to run against ted cruz, was running in a state that had been taken for granted. Really written off ranked 50th in voter turnout and in addition to getting to debate him, we went to every single one of the 254 counties in that state. So no matter how big or blue, we showed up because we didnt want to take it for granted no matter how small or red or rural, we showed up there, too, because we didnt want to write you off. Some places had voted for donald trump 96 in the 2016 election. One place, archer county, that we went to, no candidate from senate from either party had shown up in 70 years when lbj dropped out of the sky in a helicopter in 1948, landed on the courthouse grounds and walked over to the American Legion hall it had been that long since anyone had shown up to listen to them so that was what was so exciting and at the end of the day, we turned out in record numbers won more votes than any democrat had in the history of the state of texas it was really an extraordinary election [ cheers and applause seth and you won a lot of i think i think it was almost about a half a million votes of people that voted for greg abbott. Thats right. Seth a republican, who also voted for you. So this is, i think, one of the reasons why there was enthusiasm for the idea of you running is maybe you can connect people who dont agree usually with a democratic candidate obviously, theres a scalability question with the United States versus i mean, again, dont get me wrong, texas is pretty impressive but as far as size is that your plan here, is just to sort of get wheels down everywhere you can absutely. Thats the consistent theme, from being on the road with the guys in the band 25 years ago, to being on the road across 254 counties of texas. To this weekend being at the diving elk, a great bar in sioux city and taking questions from people who were there, introducing myself, and then going to sioux center which is one of the most, if not the most, conservative places in the state of iowa and not writing anybody off. And not asking whod you vote for for president last time . What party do you belong to . Who do you pray to, who do you love [ speaking spanish ] i do not care. Just tell me whats important to you right now. Were Americans First before were anything else. And i got to tell you, in addition to showing up with the courage of our convictions, talking about what we want to see for america, im learning so much by listening to people about whats important to them in their lives and they never asked about polling. They never ask about fundraising. They dont care about the horse race they want to know how theyre going to afford Prescription Medication or how were going to get Mental Health care, not as a function of luck or fortune, but as a human right that every single american can depend on. And think thats something that unites us across the differences that we have in this country right now. [ cheers and applause seth it it strikes me that, you know, from what i know about you, it strikes me that you believe youre someone who thrives in that situation where you can get local with people. You can be in, you know, bars or restaurants talking to them in the places they live is it as you prepare for these debates, especially ones where it will be you and nine other people onstage, and you know, short answers, is it frustrating to then take that same message that given the luxury of a little bit more time with people you feel like gets across versus what youll be up again next week . Short answer is yes seth yeah. [ light laughter ] its a very different experience to try to package a really complex policy issue and reflect what youve learned from everyone that youve listened to in america into 60 seconds and in an attempt to do that while nine other people are talking over you simultaneously. And yet thats what weve got to do thats where we are right now. And my task is to come through as strong and clear as possible to define this as a moment of truth. Youve got s